New man

[Neeliethere]

bear with me please. left husband of 21 years in May last year. Generally a pretty emotionally abusive relationship but the love was gone pretty early on in the marriage and it consisted of arguing on an almost daily basis in the end.

Rough times - did I do the right thing? Shock when he found a replacement quickly too. All the normal stuff I think.

Moving on. Start seeing someone about 2 months ago that I knew a bit already through some work being done on my house. Fancied the pants off him and seemingly him too. Started out a very sexy relationship with both of us wanting each other the same amount. Lots of sexy texting etc etc. Saw a lot of each other straight away. A few laughs along the way as we tried to negotiate the difficulty of kids not being around and getting round to the 'deed'. This finally took place and it was wonderful. He is/was a very sexy man. Sexy eyes etc etc. Made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up with almost every touch. Had a wonderful time through Christmas. Within a short time he told me he was 'in love' with me and felt that he wanted to be with me forever. This I found flattering but slightly suspicious. I guess my thinking was that anyone that can fall in love that quickly can fall out of it just as quickly. I still fancied the pants off him and loved the way he kisses etc etc .

Last weekend was the first chance we had to spend the whole weekend together without fear of interruption. It went well for me other than the fact the he snores like a train and I got next to no sleep. No matter was good sex though.

However, just prior to the weekend and since I have found the texts have become just chat and none of the lovely dirty flirty stuff we did enjoy and he hasn't made a single sexual move on me since last Sunday despite seeing me and being alone with me in the house all day Saturday. I have tried flirting, tried seduction methods etc etc. Tried throwing out the odd suggestive text message too with no results, well not the kind of response I was getting a couple of weeks ago.

I am fast coming to the conclusion he thinks he's done with the courting side of it and time to just settle down to being a bloke. Beginning to feel like it does in a marriage of a few years.

I tried to talk to him saying that I felt less desired and sexy. He got a bit defensive saying that I have asked him if there is something wrong when there isn't and he says he feels like I don't trust him. This has got nothing to do with trust. This about having a good solid base of a relationship in all aspects before moving onto feeling like he's ready to start snoring on the sofa while I prepare meals.

That may sound a bit harsh. But I'm just not ready to feel like that yet. I wanted the fun and flirtation to go on for a bit longer. I don't feel particularly fancied any more.

Maybe this is because the relationship is based purely on lust on my part. I am at a stage today where I am not wanting to text him or talk to him but have a bit of time off. I don't know whether I'm switching off to save myself from hurting, which I know I'm prone to do, or is there something in my gut telling me the red flags are there and he has tried to rush the relationship for a reason. I still fancy the pants off him. I still would love to enjoy the wonderful sex I have with him, but I think for my own sanity and my heart I should back out now. What do others think?

Just to give this context, we are both in our 50s and previously married. However, he has been divorced for about 7 years and had other relationships since then at least two of them long term where he lived with the women in question.

So Mumsnetters tell me what you think?

Hold out for what you want and, if he's already cooled after just 2 months, drop kick him to the kerb. There are lots of lovely sexy men out there and you probably need to work your way through a few in a casual way before you opt to settle for one - if at all.

thanks Cog. I knew you would come back with some sensible advice.
Drop kick ? Not sure I know how to do one of those.

Shame really as he came across as such a sweety to start with, but a bit of a bad boy if you know what I mean. That's what attracted me to him probably. I have a weakness for those types I think. Fatal attraction which I must get sorted and avoid.

Loads of kids and grandkids. Started when he was pretty young and put it about it a bit when younger and first divorced. Sounds like one to avoid don't you think?

I was/am doubting my feelings as I know I can be a bit of scaredy cat when I fall for or am attracted to someone. Just like before I met my husband. Always wanted the ones that didn't want me and not the ones that did want me. It's the wanting what you can't have syndrome I think. I need to be a lot more selective I think. I was just so surprised having gone out on a quite a few dates and none of them did it for me in the way he did. First date I just wanted to snog his face off!!! Still feel the same but not getting the right feedback unfortunately.

Look on the bright side. After 21 year of married drudgery life you've emerged in one piece, blinking in the sunlight, rediscovered your mojo, reasserted yourself sexually, had some fun ... and found him ultimately wanting. :)

Bad boys are fine... you just have to be a bit badder.

NEXT!

He's had two live-in relationships since his divorce? How long did they last - about two years each?

I'd be wondering about those, tbh.

And I think you are smart to recognise that this is not developing into a relationship for you that meets your needs.

Yes I do wonder about the two relationships since his divorce. Strangely one of them was someone I know, and I vaguely recalling her talking about him just after their break up but can't really remember what it was she said. I can't exactly go and ask her can I? Irrelevant really, if it isn't making me feel good about myself, and life in general, it isn't worth pursuing.

The joys of not having concerns about being alone. I wasn't really ready to get so involved with someone so soon really. I'd given myself a sort of deadline of a year at least and this came along 6 months early.

It may work, it may not. Probably not. For now I'm taking space and filling up my diary so as to dilute the time spent with him. He'll either bugger off or maybe the space is what might be needed to re-evaluate what we both want out of it. Don't like soul searching stuff. It should all just be easy and fun at this time shouldn't it?

I've got to take care of me. I am not in the market for a guy that blows hot and cold.

I do hope I'm right though, because he was very loving at the outset and I thought how lucky am I to be meet someone so gorgeous, sexy and the right age. Don't think he's a gem though as he wouldn't have come back on the market would he?

Maybe you could just keep him as a fwb if you enjoy the sex, although if he's not delivering on that front now it's hard to see what the point of that would be!

Sounds like he's not good on his own and wants a woman to take care of him or something. Just see him as a fun fling and wave him off!

Well that's a surprise. The texting almost dried up completely. Time to call it a day I reckon. Strange how someone can go from wanting to be with you constantly and forever to no contact in a matter of days.

I had every good reason to feel suspicious when the protestations of undying love started just a few weeks in. Harsh lesson learnt I reckon.

Does hurt a bit but at least it wasn't further down the road.

I did wonder why he made that comment about you supposedly not trusting him. It was an odd thing to say when you hadn't intimated anything of the sort.

Maybe he was simply signalling that, indeed, you can't trust him. Blowing hot and cold is a bad sign.

One to throw back in the sea, I guess.

Sorry. Bummer.

"He got a bit defensive saying that I have asked him if there is something wrong when there isn't and he says he feels like I don't trust him."

Ah... makes sense now.

Cog Elaborate your thoughts on that. I would like to think it's not just me being over sensitive or demanding.

It's always good to read someone else's perspective on things.

I do think I can be a bit insecure in myself sometimes and, naturally doubt if it is really wrong or just me reading stuff that isn't really there.

He sounds like someone to avoid anyway. Lived with two women in the seven years since his divorce. Very chequered past. Doesn't sound very mature or stable.

I can only speak from experience but when someone gets defensive and accuses me of not trusting them on the back of a fairly innocent question/observation, I tend to think that I've hit a nerve. 'Are you calling me a liar?' similar. Either they are untrustworthy, hiding something and I've accidentally caught them out... or.... they regard any questioning of their actions to be unacceptable on principle. Neither appeals to me :)

Ah well did the deed. By text, which I found very strange. I did send a message saying "we need to talk" but he preferred to do it by text. Didn't seem to put up much resistance so I reckon my thoughts were correct.

However, he did try to put the blame on me by saying that I had said it wouldn't last as if it was me saying my feelings wouldn't last when I had made it quite clear that my feelings were pretty stable, but it was hiim that was blowing hot and cold. Very clever game playing I suspect.

It hurts a bit but moving on. Time to take stock and care of myself for a bit longer. T'was good while it lasted. Damn fine shag too. Never mind.

2 months and he's got into the pipe and slippers, sounds like you've had a lucky escape.

Hi OP, hope you're ok. I've been thinking about you and your thread, and it does sound as though he stopped making the effort, and you made the right call.

Part of me wonders if he was ever really being himself in the early weeks.

Yes LR. I have been thinking about him today but not so much as to stop me getting on with my work. I know I will see him again, hopefully as friends. But that's it I'm sure. I'm a bit heart achey, but I'll get over it I'm sure.

I don't know really. As I said I did know him a bit before we were actually an item. He regularly saw me in my PJs as he would turn up to do work in the house pretty early. But, if he fancied me from the outset, as he said he did, he would have shown his better side probably.

You will get over it, yes.

Maybe one day as friends you will be able to talk to him about what actually happened, if you trust him to tell you the truth. Or just ask one of his exes. Or just close the whole episode off.

I don't think he can tell the truth because I don't think he has real insight into his behaviour. It sounds like a repeating pattern if I'm being honest.

I don't really want to hear his version of events. Suffice to say he's happy to make it all my fault and pretend I've made him angry and hurt and that I should go running because I got it wrong. Worked that one out. A very insecure person that is, indeed, playing cat and mouse with me.

I'm just going to lick my wounds for a while. Hopefully pull another one soon!!!

Thrill of the chase ?? Sexy texts isn't really a courtship in my book but each to their own. If a 'relationship' starts on that basis where can it go? I'm sorry you feel hurt but at least you have your mojo in full working order. A good site to read is baggage reclaim. Full of very insightful articles

Hello all. I'm resurrecting this rather than start a new one.

So yes I ended this relationship but am feeling pretty raw about it. However, I don't think it was because he was the great love of my life or anything like that.

My concern is that maybe I caused him to go cold.

I know I've given a potted history of the relationship but I would like other's views on it. Be kind but honest please.

Met him through mutual friend and stuff being done to my house. Got asked out and was excited about it and was aware that I was attracted to him before he asked me out. Felt an immediate physical attraction the first date. Probably didn't really hold out long enough before 'doing the deed' but that didn't particularly seem an issue. Was lovely, lovely for about four weeks. Texting and chatting all day every day. Lovely messages every night and every morning. Great physical attraction on both sides. Him very vocal on how he felt about me pretty early.

Then after about 6 weeks it seemed to change. The urgency to touch diminished on his part. The text messages were becoming more perfunctory - how was your day etc etc. I mentioned on two occasions that I felt there was something wrong and did he want to share it with me. I told him I was feeling a bit vulnerable and less fancied. I told him I was scared because he seemed to be blowing hot and cold. Each time I got the response about not trusting him and that there was nothing wrong.

Clearly there was something different, not necessarily wrong but different. He made me feel like it was all my imagination. An example; we hardly had time alone so our intimate encounters had been few and far between. The last time we were together my daughter was out for the afternoon and evening - no interest from him.

Then the next day the normal goodnight text didn't happen and neither the lovely good morning text. So I end up asking if we can have a chat. He says no need there is nothing wrong as far as he is concerned. I mull over it again and again and decide either he is a completely insensitive prick or there really is something causing him to back out but doesn't have the courage to tell me. Whichever I tell him I can't cope with a man that blows hot and cold. Don't want to end the relationship but scared of getting hurt further down the line and would suggest we call it a day there and then. There was not much response from him apart from OK I understand then later on he's tried to write something but doesn't know where to start but says he does love me, but can't understand what was wrong with me.

But my question is this.
Today I feel like a insecure, clingy bunny boiler. I have called him once to say how sorry I am that I ended it so abruptly and that I do feel a lot for him. But his response has been luke warm at best. Angry at worst.

I know its finished but tell me please, am I insecure and clingy or just plain got my sensible head on.

Be as honest as you like!!

I think you sound spot on.

That doubt in your mind is probably a hangover from your marriage where I'm sure you would have been told your perceptions were wrong on many occasions because it was a useful manipulative tool on the part of your XH.

I'd think of it as a lucky escape TBH.

You don't sound insecure or particularly clingy but this is the dating game, it's a rollercoaster, and you have to don your emotional safety-harness and retain some distance in the early days. Fight the temptation to wonder 'is it me?' and ALWAYS default to 'his loss'.

Thanks Dahlen.

My difficulty is that I don't get over it as easily as I would like to. Not a long term relationship I admit, but I'm feeling so bloody hurt! I should NOT be hurting this much after just 2 months surely.

That's what makes me feel like I'm too needy and a bit clingy. He's certainly made me feel like that too.

It's because it's rejection. I read somewhere in a Psychology Journal that rejection is the hardest human emotion to deal with. Rejection hurts, even when it's from something or someone that you didn't actually want that much. It's because we interpret it as being told we're not good enough and that stings even when you know the person telling you that is wrong.

One of the golden rules of successful dating is a thick skin and the ability to handle rejection on the understanding that usually it's not personal (often you're rejected because of something in the other person's life, rather than because of anything about you). Rejection always stings a little, but you can learn to manage the degree. For now, just keep telling yourself as often as it takes that it's not you, it's him. Eventually your heart will catch up with your head.

It may be that facing two relationship breakdowns in less than 12 months is simply making you less resilient, or it may not be the case at all, but it's probably worth thinking about. The first relationship we should all have is with ourselves. Nurturing a new relationship is great when it works and it's reciprocal, but often it takes too much out of us in the early days or if we waste it on someone who doesn't deserve it. Sometimes nurturing our own hobbies, interests, friendships and fun is more important.

I think you should take comfort in how well you've handled this though. You may be feeling rubbish right now, but your actions were exactly what you'd expect from someone who has their head screwed on correctly. You identified a problem. You pointed it out directly and calmly rather than sitting in silent resentment or worry or deliberately provoking a row. You didn't get the desired response and rationalised the amount of effort you were prepared to make in relation to the length, seriousness and positives of the relationship. As a result of that, you broke it off. I'd say spot on. Feel good about yourself.