What constitutes inappropriate touching?

[waterlego6064]

I'm so confused so please bear with me if I don't make much sense. Also, apologies if this was the wrong choice of board for this thread.

Ok. My FIL is a lovely (albeit quite irritating) person who I get on with. My DCs are very fond of him.

FIL has 4 granddaughters in total, aged 6, 8, 8 and 10. He also has two grandsons. He is very fond of all of them but particularly the girls. That in itself is probably not unusual.

However, FIL is quite tactile with them and I'm not sure whether it's crossed a line, and if so, what I should do about it.

Yesterday at their house, my DD (aged 8) was standing beside FIL looking at something on his laptop. He was sitting down an has his arm around her middle. He was stroking her hip area and also her bottom. (Not with his full hand- just sort of tips of fingers). Lots of people were in the room so it's not as though he was trying to do it covertly. I felt uneasy about how he was touching her (DD herself didn't seem to mind) but wasn't sure how to deal with it. In the end, I sort of laughed nervously and said quietly 'is Grandad tickling your bottom DD?' She laughed and said yes and then he stopped doing it.

I have seen him touch all of the granddaughters in a similar way at various times.

I absolutely don't think it's a sexual thing for him, but I'm really not sure it's appropriate. I don't think DH or I touch our DCs like that, although we might playfully pat them on the bottom during tickling/bundling games for example.

I just remembered that thing about 'any area that would normally be covered by a bathing suit' and therefore feel that it's inappropriate touch.

How do I deal with it though? Speak to DD about it? Or DH? Or directly to FIL?

Or am I in fact completely overreacting? Any opinions greatly appreciated.

I don't know whether this man is 'bad' or not but I would say that not all touch like this is wrong. I have been abused and had dealings with children of abuse as an adult, but also have been a nannie and I know my parents and husband etc do absent mindedly touch children on their lower back partly because the back is so small. It may make you uncomfortable but there may be no intent to be abusive.

I also wouldn't make the issue one with dd and fil. Talk to her about safe touch and trusting herself as far as being touched and spoken to. I would just say to fil that 'these days' in isn't right to touch the way he does. At this stage I don't see anything that may mean he is abusive. As for not touching the boys the same that is perfectly normal, In my family the girls have all been more cuddly than the boys so again thats also not necessarily wrong. Keep the conversations about it low key at the moment. Don't make dd frightened of her grandad, she probably has no reason to be.