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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it just my dh who is an idiot? (Apologies in advance to all dhs who are not).

37 replies

arabella2 · 04/03/2004 08:39

Dh has been away for two nights as he does every week as he is working away. I quite look forward to him coming back even though he is a sometimes stressful character to have around. Then this morning he chucks one of ds's pooey nappies (he often does this), not in a plastic bag, not even closed properly, into the bathroom bin which does not have a plastic lining. I have told him before that this really makes the bin stink but he still does it. He seems to think the bin lady is going to empty it... So I took the nappy downstairs... Sounds incredibly petty but I just find this really disrespectful... Like he is kind of saying sod you, you or anything you say does not matter.
I am almost 37 weeks pregnant and feel that I get very little in the way of any kind of support from him mentally... He comes home and tells ds a million times how much he has missed him and how wonderful he is, and I get shouted at because I say about the bin smelling if he puts a nappy in it. Sorry if this sounds incredibly childish but this then sets me off to a bad day and I don't feel like having anything to do with him or talking to him at all. He also shouted at me because I had the "nerve" to ask him to come to the bathroom so I could say something to him while I was in the shower. Apparently I should have shouted what I wanted to say through the wall without calling him over (he was not far away at the time).
I even then feel that I do not want this obnoxious person anywhere near the delivery room when baby2 is born.
Things are not always like this but often enough to make me wonder how I got together with such a stroppy person.

OP posts:
marialuisa · 04/03/2004 08:51

No, I spend a lot of my time wondering what i'm doing with the idiot I'm married to.

Hope things will improve for you when the new baby arrives.

twiglett · 04/03/2004 08:53

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Beetroot · 04/03/2004 08:54

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M2T · 04/03/2004 08:56

Sounds like you are bouth very stressed. And no wonder with a toddler and another on the way. But it also sounds like he is not really putting any consideration into what you are asking him to do. I think unfotunately it's a common occurrance. He just doesn't put the same amount of importance on the things that get on your nerves. Putting a crap filled nappy straight into an unlined bin would pi$$ me off too. But as he doesn't empty it he'll just think "what's the big fuss about?". Everytime he does it just take the bin to him and ask him to empty and wipe the sh*t of the sides. He'll soon start thinking twice about doing it again. As for the big cuddles for ds when he comes in.... perhaps it's a bit of guilt. I know that when I come in from work I shower ds with the affection I wish I'd been giving him all day. I just don't feel that guilty about not spending all day with dh.

I'm sure he'll be great support for you during the delivery.... which is only days away now.

Good luck and I hope DH performs well..... that's if you haven't ripped his head off by then.

sobernow · 04/03/2004 08:58

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Beetroot · 04/03/2004 09:03

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oliveoil · 04/03/2004 09:13

When I was heavily pregnant, dh only had to 'breath funny' while watching the tv for me to have a go, let alone putting nappies in bins.

Could this be making you more touchy than normal? Not that this excuses bad behaviour, but my dh couldn't do anything right at one point.

M2T · 04/03/2004 09:17

Oh yes OO - DH fidgets with his wedding ring ALL THE TIME. I can just see him out of the corner of my eye and sometimes I want to ram it down his throat!

twiglett · 04/03/2004 09:19

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secur · 04/03/2004 09:20

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collision · 04/03/2004 09:32

My dh is the same and sometimes I feel I could throttle him. He NEVER hangs his coat on the hook...he puts it next to it, he never puts ds's nappies in the bin....he leaves it on the side. He can be great in some situations but domestically he needs everything pointed out and that makes me a nag which I hate. For an easy life I just dont mention it now. Occasionally I flip out when his clothes are all over the bedroom. Men!!!!

Clarinet60 · 04/03/2004 11:06

Same here. I'm with Twigglett et al.
All I can suggest is giving him those jobs to do, but easier said than done, I know. I still get black looks whenever I ask DH to clean off his own bath-ring, or move wet towels, etc. There are long lists of similar stuff and I don't know the answer.

I was browsing amazon and came across Care & feeding of Married Men, or some such title. The review said the author thinks all men need is dinner every day, wife to do all childcare without conplaint, care & attention, sexual intimacy, etc etc and you will end up with a respectful, loving husband who will shower you with gifts- sounded like it had been written in 1950. Anyone come across it? Is it a wind-up?

I don't think I'm the marrying type, really. Too much like hard work.

Bugsy2 · 04/03/2004 11:18

arabella2, it does show a lack of respect to completely ignore your request. However, I think you will be wasting your breath and patience if you keep repeating yourself. Action is required. Every time he puts the nappy in the bin like that, why don't you take the nappy out and leave it somewhere that he will have to deal with it. Perhaps you could put it on his briefcase, newspapers etc. If he reacts badly you can just say, "Oh it was stinking the bathroom out so badly I was bringing it downstairs when ds had a problem I had to sort out and I must have left it there by mistake."
Or you could say that you need to get a cleaner/up the cleaner's hours because you just can't cope with all the additional work he makes and that the cost will be £xx. Financial pain can often help men see clearly.

Original poster
arabella2 · 04/03/2004 13:48

Thanks, all the answers cheered me up almost instantly. I agree with you sobernow about the "drudge" thing. My dh also does the leaving the plates on the counter thing without putting them in the dishwasher. He definitely thinks his time is more precious than mine in terms of earning potential and I suppose it is but at the same time if I was out working I would be earning money or if ds was in childcare that would be costing us so...
I could never hand him back the pooey nappy as he would go ballistic. I did consider leaving it in there today with any others he would more than likely dump in there - I could then leave the lid open and it would stink out the bathroom but the only thing that would embarrass me is leaving the bathroom in this state for when the girl who comes to clean for 3 hours on a Monday is here, I'm sure she would think we live like pigs if I did that.
Anyway, I do not know what the answer is either.
I know the transition back to home is a difficult one and that we are both stressed because of baby on the way. Also that obviously he wants to "re-bond" with ds1 and doesn't feel the need to do that with me grrrr... Just aggravate me instead!
Anyway, when I was out this morning ds must have been having grapes with dh and there are some squashed ones on the floor, we'll see how long they take to make it to the bin .

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 04/03/2004 14:12

Nope sorry mine is fine (though has his moments).

He does a lot of the things you all dislike but I don't care! If was 37 weeks pg with a toddler, I may though!

(he is obsessive about putting pooey nappies in bags and whisking them straight out to the bin though!)

Northerner · 04/03/2004 14:17

37 weeks pregnant with a toddler CD? Ouch!

Blackduck · 04/03/2004 14:37

I had to go down to London on Tuesday, so got up mega early and make sure ds's nursery bag was packed (lunch, snacks, bottles, milk...). Came back from London around 7.00 and trip over second change bag in hall....ahhh.....dp picked up the wrong one! I went ballistic......I spend all my time getting things ready, cooking, cleaning etc. and he can't even manage to pick up the right bag!!

CountessDracula · 04/03/2004 15:00

No no northerner, not me, arabella2!

Rae1973 · 04/03/2004 15:08

Ooooh if were going on about hubbys can I join in?... he NEVER puts empty wrappers in the bin, will walk round cups etc till they walk to the kitchen on their own.... leaves clothes on the bedroom floor and then complains if I was then....refuses to even lift a finger before his first shift and then for 24 hours after his last shift..... within 2 minutes from coming in from work tells the kids to leave him in peace.....soaks in the bath for 1 1/2 hour at a time and shouts at me if I have 5 minutes...... complains when friends phone me even though he doesn't talk to me cos he is watching tele and I could go on and on and on

CountessDracula · 04/03/2004 15:10

Doesn't it wear you all out worrying about all this stuff? Is it only me who can't be bothered? Anything for a quiet life!

oliveoil · 04/03/2004 15:16

I agree, life is too short. Dh does things that drive me up the wall but vice versa I am sure. Let things sliiiiiiiide.

Galaxy · 04/03/2004 15:19

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Evita · 04/03/2004 16:01

With my dp, it's not the careless things like NEVER putting his laundry in the basket, NEVER throwing used wrappers away etc. that really bug me. It's the things that he does and expects me to sort out that get to me. I guess that's arabella's problem with the pooey nappy. There's carelessness because a bloke's head's in the clouds (my dp is a philosophy lecturer, need I say more?) and there's carelessness that you feel is taking the piss, things that are unpleasant and they kind of know deep down somewhere that YOU are going to have to deal with. Dp, fortunately has a thing about bad odour so I'm more likely to forget a nappy sack than he is.

Clarinet60 · 04/03/2004 16:27

We'd love to let it slide, oliveoil, but that's the point. There has to be two of you working from the same song sheet in order for anyone to relax and let things slide.

Clarinet60 · 04/03/2004 16:28

What's his thing evita, philosophy-wise? I asked you this on another thread, but the thread died.

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