Do I take a chance on this lovely man if I won't get to see him much at all?

[alltoomuchrightnow]

....who is great....but it leaves me compromising what I want.. This does tie in to my last thread (which I can't find) so apologies for anyone who's reading stuff that may be repeated.
To summarise.. I left domestic violence last summer and moved two counties away, now met up with an old friend from 20 yrs ago who as fate would have it now lives near ish me...(about 35 - 40 mins drive but that is fairly near for me as my friends are scattered all over the globe these days) I kinda broke his heart back then in the 90s but am older and wiser now and still feel he could have been the one I let get away...(we weren't a couple but did have a night together then..we were actually best friends..but I said it couldn't happen again, went back to an ex, and we lost touch about the year after)..
Have just spent a lovely entire weekend with him plus a night last week. Much catching up , intimate, affectionate, and that old cosy feeling of familiarity too. He's the same grounded, stable, fun and sweet guy he was back then. Spent hours and hours in each others arms just talking, kissing and catching up... staying up most of night to talk then sleeping in daytime in each others arms.. a biggie for me as I 'd felt I may never be able to share a bed again...
My heart says to give this a chance. Get to know him again, see what happens, how it evolves.. we have made plans to do things again and spend time together.
He has a very very full on work schedule and is a workaholic, it's the nature of his industry (without being specific, behind the scenes in music biz). After my lazy useless ex who took all my money for booze and drugs, this is a good thing. And of course he had his schedule (pretty much for the year) long before we hooked up again. Also even if we were a full on established couple, I know i'd never want him to change anything.
So the problem is me, not him. I want a chance.. I would like this to work. But I know i'd find it hard to see so little of someone. It could be even harder than a long distance relationship as at least there you can have entire weekends together.
This guy's schedule is such that at best (ie when he's in the country) it could be one eve, or one day, a week free ,max. Much of year is abroad. Even if I went over there to stay in eves, he may not get home till midnight and would be shattered.. then do it all again the next day..
Please don't be hard on me..this is so scary for me after leaving DV and wanting to take the plunge again.
I am genuinely so happy for him that he does what he loves doing and its rewarding . I have friends in same industry and I do know the score..I am not naive on that front as I know how long the hours are and he works for himself too...
But I also know re me.... I would miss him. I'm not a needy person but am insecure. Missing someone can be sweet and romantic perhaps when you've been with someone years and are very stable. Early on..I'd find it tough especially when already insecure. To be honest I've never liked the feeling of missing someone, ever, I find it hard even though there's a bittersweetness to it that shows you care..I don't want what would feel like a part time relationship yet I do want him so I 'm going to have to try.. aren't I?? And yet I do want to be with someone that I can see regularly. That person isn't going to be him but I don't want to end up with another shit guy that I might see all the time. (eg when I lived with unemployed ex in a tiny flat.. claustrophobic)
It's such a dilemma. If I'm scared I'm going to be hurt or would find his hours tough, should I run now before risk of falling for him?
None of this is his fault. Should I give him the chance he deserves, but knowing his schedule won't change? eg for months this year he will be working abroad. Even if things did work out and we got serious, I couldn't go with him.. i'm getting back into work, and budget would not allow for me to join him anyway. He's going worldwide.. and bands pay for him and only him.
My heart says yes do it (keep seeing him) and my head says hold on a minute.. missing him won't be fun... no matter how busy I am...
I know what my friends would say.. given what I've been through, wouldn't I be happy with a casual or part time relationship. But actually..no. I'm glad my ex hasn't changed me that much.. that I still want the same as before.. ie the real deal. Not the needy control freak my ex was stalker but someone I can at least see most days, or 2 maybe 3 times a week in more hectic times even if just the odd evening. Which would rarely be the case. Yet I feel this guy could be worth it... but it's so scary too.. and I've been hurt so much... it's not like I feel this guy would ever intentionally hurt me..it's my take on things...it's not his behaviour or baggage but literally his working life. Also he's got used to this as not had a girlfriend for five years.. the last one he did at least live with.. so they did have some time.. and she was in same industry...
Has anyone else been in similar circumstance, taken a chance and not regretted it?
I know it's such early days but if I don't decide now I could get in too deep and it would be harder to walk if I had to..
Please be kind as this is such a major thing for me and it's so new but I feel so torn between going with the flow and knowing that possibly i'd find things v v hard and lonely...

Huge well done on getting out of such a terrible relationship.

Even though it was only last summer, it will probably still all feel a bit raw for you. The new man in your life sounds lovely and I would see his job as a blessing, rather than a hurdle. Rather than jump into a new, full on relationship, his job means that you don't have any choice but to take thing slowly. Probably just what you need after your last relationship.

Life is also not a practise, you only get one shot at it, so why not enjoy the company of a lovely new man - just take your time with it and don't rush things.

Good luck

thankyou Lucy. Yes raw in many ways though I obviously don't miss my ex (apart from the odd twang when I recall the years before he started drinking). I know how great is is to be away from evil ex but it's so scary too. I don't know how i'd handle getting hurt. Stupidly soon after leaving ex I saw a guy for a couple of weeks ... I was such a zombie then and didnt really know what i was doing..this guy turned on me, took my ex's side and massively hurt me (classic line was, 'well you werent ACTUALLY raped in the end, were you honey..so just get over it..' ) (and this is after he knew about all the sexual assaults, threats, blackmail, being held at knifepoint etc) This guy is polar opposite of that one and my ex... Maybe you are right..his job being the blessing of not being 'too much too soon' and too full on...(which risks getting more hurt if it goes tits up) it means us putting on brakes by circumstance rather than our own choice.. if it's meant to be then perhaps we'd reach a time in future where we can work it out.. it is way too soon to be thinking of that yet..
He messaged earlier saying what a lovely time he'd had last few days. I guess to give him a chance to potentially miss me would be good.. to not take it for granted ie spending time with me.... both have breathing space whilst we do take it slow... but it gives me a good feeling he still seems to be the guy i thought the world of 20 yrs ago (even if didnt choose him then..)
it makes me feel happy that we could share a bed and i could even sleep some of the time while sharing bed as i do have issues, trauma, flashbacks.. i feel calmer and not panicky when with him.. i don't really talk about what happened (not in detail) though he does know... i just dont want to be 'victim' any more but to be the girl now woman he once knew.. he's given me hope.. parts of the old me were not destroyed by abuse, that has been a shock in a good way... i am still the girl he remembered albeit older body ha

would you let him be the one you let get away a second time ?

Hmm. I would be cautious - there is a danger that so soon after an abusive relationship you will leap gratefully on any guy who is kind without actually being able to look at the relationship critically and see if he is any good for you rather than just seeing the fact he is a good man in general. And possibly, him being away so much might mean those rose tinted glasses remain for longer because you get the nice, date-y, special times and none of the boring everyday arguments about the washing up, money, childcare etc.

But, as Lucy says, it could go the other way as well with his job being a bit of a blessing and letting you have that space to take the relationship slowly. And it may be that as it develops slowly you get the chance to heal by yourself as well as being with him, and with that healing you get the chance to discover whether you are happy with him or just feel like he's a good option (rather than actually having the connection.) If you are fairly insecure in relationships too it might be a good thing to have that enforced space because it's not always healthy to be too insecure about a relationship.

Then again, it could hinder your healing if a big part of your healing identity is being "X's girlfriend". And while the space is helpful now, if his job is really "him" and what he does, what he loves, you may have to make the decision later down the line about living with that permanently, and that might be harder if you're more deeply involved. And also, lots of people do need more reassurance than others in relationships and perhaps if you need a lot of reassurance his job isn't a particularly helpful one as it sounds like it would be something that would need a lot of blind trust from you with no way of actually knowing what he was up to. But then maybe that's something you have to go through and try out with someone who is actually nice to you, to see how you really feel/cope with it.

Do you have children?

Slow down. Please!

For all sorts of reasons, this relationship has its challenges.

I worry about your use of the word 'familiarity'

Familiar to you, is actually your previous relationship, and that was abusive.

You haven't seemingly given yourself the time you need to work out what it was that has made you vulnerable to/targeted for abuse.

Until you know this, it could (odds are stacked actually) happen again.

This is not necessarily 'The One' you're not in that space yet, you need to lose the fear of being hurt first.

Please. You don't really know this guy, and you don't actually know yourself well enough yet to be able to hurl yourself full force into a 'Future'

Please invest in yourself. Your op is moving so fast, so gushing, that it leaves the reader breathless. I can't imagine living like that. It's too high octane, something'll burn, and I don't want it to be you. (((hug)))

\I dont have children, no.
By familiarity I meant old feelings for him... we were best friends, but so so long ago.
and yes the norm for me for the last few years has been abuse..
I do hear what you;re all saying.
Let me just re read all the replies again

I would not worry about what he was 'up to'.
It's more about missing him and being apart.. you always hear of people breaking up as they didnt spend enough time together. I've never heard of any splits due to 'too much time together'

There sounds like you have a lot more healing to do from your past relationships which if you don't take the time and commit the energy to do will potentially damage this or any future relationships.

I agree that this is a blessing. You have a year of healing yourself, taking it slow with this one and really getting to know him. Not the him that you knew 20 years ago. But the him now.

I know people in the music industry too, and it is rarely a life long career. There are other options that he can move into next year if things go well that will keep him around for longer. He can start the ground work for that this year and you two can transition into something more serious then if all goes well

Why not stop overthinking this and just see where it goes.

Over thinking is a sign of unease, and shows clearly that the op's not ready.

alltoomuchrightnow your name says it all. I've been where you are - over 10 years of abuse - and am now out (almost 3 yrs)

Part of the reason you may be fixating on this guy is the chance for emotional time travel. To get yourself to a place before it ''all went wrong'.

You can't do that sadly, only move on, forwards.

You will be ok. Regardless of this guy, you will be fine. You need to fix/heal/love yourself now, to have any chance of finding and making it work with 'the one'

In the early days of my recovery, even if Mr Right had dropped out of the sky, it wouldn't :ave worked because I wasn't ready.

You've got a lot to learn about yourself before you'll be ready for 'Mr Forever'

You seem to be pinning your life's happiness on another person. It's ok, we've all done that, but it can end in disaster (and frequently does)

The only person that gets to drive your life is you. For you.

Take this time for you. Do the Freedom Programme, read the books, and vanquish the Abuse Demons.

Putting aside the abuse side of things (not meaning to diminish that at all of course), I couldn't do this.

I haven't a date in years but the last one was with someone who was in the police and worked odd shifts and also played for the police badminton team (who knew?). We met online and after chatting for a while, agreed to meet for a date. Their schedule was such that the first available time was three weeks' away. Had a great date. Same night she texted me to say had a lovely time and asked me for another date. Said absolutely and we'd arrange in a day or two.

Due to her shifts and commitments, it was another three weeks for date two. Which went well but I knew that this wasn't for me. She lived four miles away but she may as well have lived in Scotland. You can't get to know someone like that and even had it progressed, because of her shift pattern we might get one weekend in six together.

Glad you're out of it, Hissy.
I'm not trying to assume any guy could be the one, but you have a point re the emotional time travel as there was definitely an element of that. I am trying to give myself a reality check now, stay grounded and take it one day at a time . No expectations or getting hopes up. It may be that if we carry on seeing each other, a few weeks or months down the line I won't be able to tolerate his career..but right now I want to give this a chance to get to know each other again and it will be slowly.. I would kick myself if didn't give it a go... and circumstance dictate that it will be slowly. I want to try and enjoy it for what it is...

That's a shame, NotNew. But I don't blame you. Life's too short to be going that long between dates. I will see how things go with him this weekend and so on..

Yes I admit I have been overthinking..a bad habit of mine and more so in the last year. I will probably discuss this with my counseller tomorrow.. I used to very much be able to live in the moment. My anxiety levels have been high since leaving my ex though of course not as bad as when I was with him. It will all take time.. I do enjoy this man's company and he makes me feel at ease when with him... I 'm not looking for a man to fix my problems... my issues are mine and mine alone and I get help for them... I don't need a man to fix me and never have.. I used to be very strong and independant.. I have actually turned down several men since leaving ex...with this guy there is at least the connection we've had in the past.. (as in, I wouldn't eg take a chance on a total stranger.).but i don't want to be stuck in past and nor to fixate on future either... I have actually come a very long way but still a long way to go. My MN name is what I changed it to (from lololizzy) when I was stuck in the worst of the abuse. Maybe I should now name change to something more positive..

Good point, Bertie. re not just being good man but more importantly...good man for me.

When I started dating I was looking for ABUSE everywhere, so that I could avoid it.

My therapist said 'It doesn't have to be "abuse" for it to be unacceptable, if it's unacceptable to you, it's unacceptable full stop."

don't fixate on this being your salvation. use it to prove to yourself that you can have a relationship that ISN'T abusive. Sort of like a practice run.

I referred to it as Transition Man. There may (and should be) a few of them, until we find our Forever Man.

You have all the time in the world to find happiness. That happiness is yours already. I'd rather have the healthy relationship with myself than putting myself through waves of self doubt in a relationship.

I think you are ready to start to date, but that you have to realise that there are steps to achieving what you want/need. It's NOT going to fall in your lap necessarily. In fact, it's better for you long term if it doesn't, as the lessons you will learn will really enrich you and your life.

Other thing is I'm such a stubborn, contradictory cow! Part of me thinks.. be alone for longer... I've come so far but should I get involved now? When is the perfect time though? Is it really too soon? I know others come out of abusive relationships and are still very happy, years on, with partners they met soon after. It's been five months for me and I've done a lot of work on myself. But five months aint really so long in the grand scheme of things! And what is right for friends isn't my path.. necessarily.

Then the other part of me says.. come on - live life in the moment..take risks like you used to.. no time like the present... and at least this guy isn't a completely unknown quantity.... last July a friend my age died very unexpectedly in a tragic accident... so a huge portion of me says, just get on with it... live each day like it's my last.. and tells me to hurry up as I'm not getting any younger and ex cost me enough years.. the resentful part of me says I need to make up for lost time and do it now..

That's just it though, Hissy. Friend dying gave me the kick to finally walk away from ex for good. But since that day I've been impatient and thinking I possibly don't have all the time... not being morbid..but it shook me to the core at obviously already an incredibly hard time..it changed my perspective and good came out of it in that I left.. but I keep thinking .. got to get on,.. rush rush rush.. not healthy I know.. so am now thinking it's definitely a good thing his working life means we can't possibly rush things!
My friend died living life absolutely to the full on the trip of a lifetime, and that was how their whole life was spent.. living to the max. Can i say the same re mine? my life used to be like that but I feel i have to make up for the years ex 'took'

I've had a few v minor flings since leaving ex ie a two weeks of seeing someone and also a couple of one night stand scenarios.. the last two at least making me feel more alive/ normal again (ok ONS were not really part of old life before ex, but i mean normal as in, not just an abuse victim).. I wasnt exactly looking for anything...
But after these mini flingettes.. perhaps.. just perhaps..I could be ready now for more.
I certainly will be so mindful not to push anything. I have not at any point asked him when I'd next see him..but he's talked of doing stuff a lot and hoping to meet up again this week...not that he should call the shots of course but he's the one with the crazy schedule.. I have things that keep me busy enough but not like him.. and i won't put life on hold to hang around for him either.. i have a whole new life to rebuild..and that will be done regardless.. all my plans are still the same re get my own place, as i've been staying with parents since leaving. Am doing vol work now but hope to be back in paid work before too long. I do a lot of things alone and have made new friends. In fact going out tonight to a gathering where I won't know anyone/ rest assured i won't be putting life on hold waiting for his diary slots..

I will always have self doubt in a new relationship though . Always have, always will. That's just me. Isn't it same for everyone, men included? There's always that risk of getting hurt..and the period of uncertainty... that's normal ..

I would go for it and accept the demands of his job as giving you a chance not to rush into things. Whoever you decide to date in the future is a risk so why not take a risk with someone you at least know something about and who you feel relaxed around? If you start to panic and feel you are getting in too deep then pull back. He sounds like a decent man and if he is then he will be ok with your doubts and hesitancy. Hope you can have some fun after all the bad times.

Yes I think most of us have self doubt and insecurities at the beginning of a relationship. It's natural unless yoy have always been super confident. And because of this we do overthink every little thing.....and its exhausting. That's why I suggested trying to not overthink it.

I so agree. Luckily i do have support groups and counsellers (and MN!) so can do any 'overthinking' there and not with him or with friends. I've always had insecurities at beginnings but its the same as new job etc etc.. it's normal... as long as it doesnt get out of control.. i have a hynotherapist too so might discuss with her... she helps me with the nightmares and anxiety.. i dont actually want him to ever think i am that anxious person as i know it will get better in time (and is)..
I'm glad i've now turned it round and do see his job as a blessing...and not an obstacle/ red flag.
I do have such fun with him and we have laughed so much over old times. But we have been laughing 'in the present' too.. a weekend may not be long but it was an intense time when hadnt known each other for so long..and it was lovely... i do not remember last time i laughed so much...i think by not putting pressure and expectations on each other we have the biggest chance that something could grow.. but i won't assume that it will... but am happy to have my old friendship back.. I can't see us losing that again..
and yes it would be easy for me to pull back, Ohgove, if came to it and I was over anxious. It's not like i'd have to give a reason.. I could just be busy/ unavailable on his next day or eve off, so it doesnt have to be 'personal'

It would always be a risk with anyone. It' s not like I've been celibate all these months either.. which made it a little bit less scary. And i have male friends who always restored my faith... with this guy I do feel relaxed and happy..it's only away from him I do my head in..this thread has really helped though and given me a reality check

See that's good, your relaxing more about it. If you enjoy being with him having s laugh then he will enjoy being with you too.

luckily with him he does make me feel at ease, so i don't have to pretend. it's only on my own that i'm all nail bitey! I really wouldnt be so bad if hadnt been through the last year and a half. But that's not his fault and i need to work on that.. luckily i have a support network so he doesn't have to know how fucked up i reallyam.. or was!!

I think he does still see me as the fun early 20s person i was and I can still be that with him, naturally.. that isnt lost.. he knows what has happened to me.. (in fact his sister's just left abusive alcoholic DH and he's very much there for her) I just love the feeling 'normal' again... I couldnt have done this with a new man who I didn't know. I think we have a good chance.. I really hope.. but we are friends again and it's a good start at least