....who is great....but it leaves me compromising what I want.. This does tie in to my last thread (which I can't find) so apologies for anyone who's reading stuff that may be repeated.
To summarise.. I left domestic violence last summer and moved two counties away, now met up with an old friend from 20 yrs ago who as fate would have it now lives near ish me...(about 35 - 40 mins drive but that is fairly near for me as my friends are scattered all over the globe these days) I kinda broke his heart back then in the 90s but am older and wiser now and still feel he could have been the one I let get away...(we weren't a couple but did have a night together then..we were actually best friends..but I said it couldn't happen again, went back to an ex, and we lost touch about the year after)..
Have just spent a lovely entire weekend with him plus a night last week. Much catching up , intimate, affectionate, and that old cosy feeling of familiarity too. He's the same grounded, stable, fun and sweet guy he was back then. Spent hours and hours in each others arms just talking, kissing and catching up... staying up most of night to talk then sleeping in daytime in each others arms.. a biggie for me as I 'd felt I may never be able to share a bed again...
My heart says to give this a chance. Get to know him again, see what happens, how it evolves.. we have made plans to do things again and spend time together.
He has a very very full on work schedule and is a workaholic, it's the nature of his industry (without being specific, behind the scenes in music biz). After my lazy useless ex who took all my money for booze and drugs, this is a good thing. And of course he had his schedule (pretty much for the year) long before we hooked up again. Also even if we were a full on established couple, I know i'd never want him to change anything.
So the problem is me, not him. I want a chance.. I would like this to work. But I know i'd find it hard to see so little of someone. It could be even harder than a long distance relationship as at least there you can have entire weekends together.
This guy's schedule is such that at best (ie when he's in the country) it could be one eve, or one day, a week free ,max. Much of year is abroad. Even if I went over there to stay in eves, he may not get home till midnight and would be shattered.. then do it all again the next day..
Please don't be hard on me..this is so scary for me after leaving DV and wanting to take the plunge again.
I am genuinely so happy for him that he does what he loves doing and its rewarding . I have friends in same industry and I do know the score..I am not naive on that front as I know how long the hours are and he works for himself too...
But I also know re me.... I would miss him. I'm not a needy person but am insecure. Missing someone can be sweet and romantic perhaps when you've been with someone years and are very stable. Early on..I'd find it tough especially when already insecure. To be honest I've never liked the feeling of missing someone, ever, I find it hard even though there's a bittersweetness to it that shows you care..I don't want what would feel like a part time relationship yet I do want him so I 'm going to have to try.. aren't I?? And yet I do want to be with someone that I can see regularly. That person isn't going to be him but I don't want to end up with another shit guy that I might see all the time. (eg when I lived with unemployed ex in a tiny flat.. claustrophobic)
It's such a dilemma. If I'm scared I'm going to be hurt or would find his hours tough, should I run now before risk of falling for him?
None of this is his fault. Should I give him the chance he deserves, but knowing his schedule won't change? eg for months this year he will be working abroad. Even if things did work out and we got serious, I couldn't go with him.. i'm getting back into work, and budget would not allow for me to join him anyway. He's going worldwide.. and bands pay for him and only him.
My heart says yes do it (keep seeing him) and my head says hold on a minute.. missing him won't be fun... no matter how busy I am...
I know what my friends would say.. given what I've been through, wouldn't I be happy with a casual or part time relationship. But actually..no. I'm glad my ex hasn't changed me that much.. that I still want the same as before.. ie the real deal. Not the needy control freak my ex was stalker but someone I can at least see most days, or 2 maybe 3 times a week in more hectic times even if just the odd evening. Which would rarely be the case. Yet I feel this guy could be worth it... but it's so scary too.. and I've been hurt so much... it's not like I feel this guy would ever intentionally hurt me..it's my take on things...it's not his behaviour or baggage but literally his working life. Also he's got used to this as not had a girlfriend for five years.. the last one he did at least live with.. so they did have some time.. and she was in same industry...
Has anyone else been in similar circumstance, taken a chance and not regretted it?
I know it's such early days but if I don't decide now I could get in too deep and it would be harder to walk if I had to..
Please be kind as this is such a major thing for me and it's so new but I feel so torn between going with the flow and knowing that possibly i'd find things v v hard and lonely...