Coping with DH rages

[FeMay30th]

I am so ashamed I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this. I have been married for 7 years to a really wonderful, kind and lovely man but since we had are ds 2 and half years ago; my dh flies into foul rages every month or so. He shouts at me (and sometimes wake me up to do this), hits things (not me), slams doors and screams. This usually happens when we haven't been getting enough sleep because of ds, or when we have to travel or he has some issues at work.

It happened on Thursday night. He was putting DS to bed and it wasn't going very well and after about an hour I heard DH running down the stairs swearing and DS crying. I went to see DH to ask him what was wrong to offer to take over bedtime and DH just started shouting at me telling me I was pressuring him and had pushed him too far. An hour earlier we had just finished dinner and were playing with our son, it felt like it came out of nowhere. After I had calmed down DS and he had gone to sleep, I tried to talk with DH again but he just shouted at me so I left the room. I cried myself to sleep in our bed and this just seems to infuriate DH. On Friday he emailed me to say how sorry he was and the he knows what he did was wrong and instinctively I want to forgive him. But I know DS must have heard what happened and that he shouldn't see his father behave this way but I don't know what to do, please help me.

I know the effect this type of behaviour can have on children - as my mother also used to have these type of angry rants (she throws things at my dad and would fly into unprovoked rages). it took me many years of adult life to realise that this was not my fault and I was not a bad person. How did I end up in this situation again...

sometimes you just need to work out how to control it which i was saying to OP maybe if you can have a chat and work out what causes these outburst then come up with something to distract the outburst

The problem here is that that draws the OP into trying to solve it and then being on "rage patrol." That is not helpful or healthy in any way. It is NOT the OP's responsibility to control his behaviour or figure out why he is doing it. He is a grown adult who is choosing to behave this way.

Put it this way... if he were hitting her, would you be telling her to "chat with him and work out what causes the outburst and then come up with something to distract the outburst???"

Not commenting on this again no disraspect to anyone but i was just trying to give my personal experience to try and offer OP some kind words... None of us have the perfect relationship we all argue from time to time, granted OPs case is more serious than arguing i know. Maybe im just too relaxed it seems either way it works for us.

Want to point out though my children never see either us in a rage, they may see us shout from time to time but ther is no punching doors etc with them around things like that have always happened after a night out and they are sleeping out. Weve adressed the problem is alchohol on both parts and we now both try and stay as sobur as possible when we go out. There is no physical violence at all unless you count the occasional play fighting

Im deffinately no walk over either so please peope dont think im some little lady been pushed around and walked over im NOT. T

Thanks

tia, have you stopped to think that if the children have never seen your rages and they always happen when they're not around, that you and your OH can control them and choose not to? Why not control them when there are no witnesses around as well?

Because one of these days he'll punch something other than the walls or the doors, or won't want to be kicked out of the house.

Or the children will grow up and be around when it happens again

with all due respect if you yourself have 'rages' and your partner does also and you have decided that's acceptable behaviour on your parts and the other should take responsibility for it (re: throw him outside, him ignore you) etc i don't think you likely to be objective. you have a vested interest in minimising the issue.

Thanks again everyone. This really helped me to understand our situation. He is going to get help. And I ve told him if it happens again me and DS leave and I am making sure I can stick to this. I just really hope it does not come to that.

No. That's not enough.

He needs to leave until he can prove he's not going to abuse you or your son again.

It already has come to that!

What sort of help is he going to get, did he say?

OP i suspect this may be a bit of an ostrich phase for you but know we'll still be here.

i very much hope you have more in place than him just saying he'll get help and that he will be acting right from when everything opens this morning and proving he is doing what he has said he will.

i also think tbh that if it is he who has the problem it is he who should leave and be disrupted not you and your son.