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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Coping with DH rages

59 replies

FeMay30th · 12/01/2014 01:16

I am so ashamed I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this. I have been married for 7 years to a really wonderful, kind and lovely man but since we had are ds 2 and half years ago; my dh flies into foul rages every month or so. He shouts at me (and sometimes wake me up to do this), hits things (not me), slams doors and screams. This usually happens when we haven't been getting enough sleep because of ds, or when we have to travel or he has some issues at work.

It happened on Thursday night. He was putting DS to bed and it wasn't going very well and after about an hour I heard DH running down the stairs swearing and DS crying. I went to see DH to ask him what was wrong to offer to take over bedtime and DH just started shouting at me telling me I was pressuring him and had pushed him too far. An hour earlier we had just finished dinner and were playing with our son, it felt like it came out of nowhere. After I had calmed down DS and he had gone to sleep, I tried to talk with DH again but he just shouted at me so I left the room. I cried myself to sleep in our bed and this just seems to infuriate DH. On Friday he emailed me to say how sorry he was and the he knows what he did was wrong and instinctively I want to forgive him. But I know DS must have heard what happened and that he shouldn't see his father behave this way but I don't know what to do, please help me.

I know the effect this type of behaviour can have on children - as my mother also used to have these type of angry rants (she throws things at my dad and would fly into unprovoked rages). it took me many years of adult life to realise that this was not my fault and I was not a bad person. How did I end up in this situation again...

OP posts:

Lweji · 12/01/2014 12:22

Tia, asking how to help him is assuming responsibility for what he does.
He needs to take action. He needs to ask for help (external). He needs to find ways of controlling himself.
Otherwise, every time he fails it will be because the OP failed in helping him, not his personal fail.

Lweji · 12/01/2014 12:25

In addition to what Annie said, if he needed your emotional support, he should talk to you or ask for your help in dealing with stress, not use the people at home as punchbags.

tiamariaxxx · 12/01/2014 12:25

Yes i get that but sometimes they need that extra help and support, noit in the slightest blaming the OP or anything i just know if its me i just think hes my husband course i want to help him especially since this behaviour is so new

AliceinWinterWonderland · 12/01/2014 12:26

asking how to help him is assuming responsibility for what he does

I agree. HE needs to take responsibility for his actions and HE needs to get it sorted himself. She is not responsible for his behaviour and she should not have to be the behaviour police either. I've been there, it's not the solution.

tiamariaxxx · 12/01/2014 12:29

Well sorry i do disagree not that i want to get into an argument. But in our house we are a partnership, if something is making 1 of us or the kids unhappy we work together to solve it... Not having a dig in the slightest maybe you think im too soft i dont know but this is what works for us.

None of us can get through this without a good support network

Fairenuff · 12/01/2014 12:29

OP cannot help him. He has to learn to control his rage and express his feelings in an appropriate way.

The real problem is not that he can't control them but that he chooses not to when he is with OP. There is a big difference and that is why she should not tolerate it.

tiamariaxxx · 12/01/2014 12:31

I did say in my post that he needs to realise himself when hes going to explode and try to find a way to distract himself

AliceinWinterWonderland · 12/01/2014 12:33

Exactly Fairenuff.

tiamaria if this was something he couldn't control, perhaps mental health concern, and he was doing it all over the place, then support (possibly from a safe distance, depending on the situation) is helpful. But he CAN control it, he is CHOOSING to rage at his family. Nobody else. That is not something that needs support. That is abusive.

Fairenuff · 12/01/2014 12:37

Yes tia but you are coming at it from a reasonable stance

OP's dh has had two and a half years to do something about this. He knows it is wrong, he apologises and then he does it again. It's a cycle. He won't change unless there are serious consequences for him.

He can control his temper. He is choosing not to. Why? Because he believes his right to rant is greater than OP's right to peace.

since we had are ds 2 and half years ago; my dh flies into foul rages every month or so. He shouts at me (and sometimes wake me up to do this), hits things (not me), slams doors and screams

This is not acceptable OP. At all. Perhaps you could tell him that if he behaves in this aggressive manner again you will call the police.

And do it. A night in a cell will do more to change his behaviour than all your talking.

tiamariaxxx · 12/01/2014 12:40

Its easy for us to sit and judge though isnt it. Not sticking up for him but i rage all the time i DO usually stop myself and bite my tongue but sometimes you just need to work out how to control it which i was saying to OP maybe if you can have a chat and work out what causes these outburst then come up with something to distract the outburst, like i said my ipod is a godsend.

tiamariaxxx · 12/01/2014 12:42

OP - can i just ask what he would do if you shouted back? Or asked him to leave?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/01/2014 12:44

The difference between you and the man in this case tiamaria is that you are self-aware enough that raging is a not acceptable and responsible enough to find your own solutions to stress. The man here understands that his behaviour is upsetting but chooses to cycle through quick sorrys that change nothing. Unlike you he doesn't see any of that as a problem to be fixed.

Abusive behaviour often coincides with the arrival of the first child.

tiamariaxxx · 12/01/2014 12:48

CogitoErgoSometimes - yes totally understand that, i just like to think good in everyone :)

I think a wake up call maybe the next step tbh.

justgivein · 12/01/2014 12:49

Thinking bk talking maybe 7 years now I remember being so angry i destroyed the kitchen, the shame of explaining to fil also made me change.L now only get slightly irritable and my wife tells me to calm down.

It was like a switch with me,nightmare to gentle giant.hope this helps

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/01/2014 12:50

"Thank you for helping me, this only happens at home/ with me so I now realise what is happen to us (DS an me) is so wrong. I still can't get my head around it properly as I still love him and feel very sorry for him"

Do you think he loves you, these are not the actions of a loving person. What he learnt (like you did) is deeply embedded in his psyche. You cannot love someone better

"but I am going make an exit strategy".
You do that, your son will thank you for doing so

Parents are still together but Dad now confides in me about one a year that he wants to leave".

And in the longer term you do not want to be confiding in your child once a year that you want to leave. Your Dad has chosen to stay, he will likely never leave because he gets what he wants out of the relationship.

History has repeated itself here (you subconsciously married someone like your mother) but it can and should stop with you. You do not have to live like this, no medals are handed out for staying with someone like your H. Your Dad has chosen to stay but you are not him and you do not have to stay within this abusive marriage.

What do you want to teach your child about relationships as well, think back to what you were taught about relationships when you were growing up.

My guess too TiaMaria that if the OP did shout back she would be shouted down. Also she has been conditioned by her H not to do so, she has modified her behaviour over time to try and minimise his rages at her. Also such men rarely if ever leave easily; he likes her as his victim too much.

tiamariaxxx · 12/01/2014 12:52

justgivein- thats good that it was a wake up call for you think thats what OPs hubby needs.

NumptyNameChange · 12/01/2014 12:52

thing is tia that he thinks it's ok to behave like this. if he didn't he would be seeking help re: calling a doctor, asking his wife to help him, talking about what was causing it.

it is him who should be initiating it rather than just carrying on taking his rage out on his wife and child.

don't you agree?

do you think that if you were regularly having outbursts like his you'd be going to see your doctor to find out if you were depressed or something? don't you think you'd be googling online looking for techniques to control your temper?

the fact that he's doing nothing about it means he feels entitled to do it and doesn't see it as a problem imo.

OP - i would tell him HE needs to address it immediately, get whatever help he needs to do and stop doing this or he needs to move out until such time as he is capable of living with a family without terrorising them because you are not willing for you or your child to live with it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/01/2014 12:53

There is a mistaken idea that abuse is related to "misunderstandings" or lack of communication. If discussion and compromise could help in any way most domestic violence situations would be long ago resolved because victims of abuse "discuss and compromise" constantly.

Mediation assumes both parties will cooperate to make agreements work; the victim has always 'cooperated' with the abuser; the abuser never cooperates.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/01/2014 12:54

FeMay30th

What do you get from this relationship now?. What needs of yours does this man meet emotionally speaking?.

tiamariaxxx · 12/01/2014 12:56

I dont know though, my OH has bad rages not all time but he does in old flat we had punch holes in the door wheres hes punched it our of frustration and his old bedroom was covered him them, his mum explsined how to deal with him and kick him out in the cold and thats what i do now... Which looks funny cos hes 6ft 2 and built like a house and little me 5 ft 3 dragging him out and it honestly shuts him up he sits sulking or goes for a drive and hes ok again . Im lucky i dont have to deal with it as much now but like i say im the female version of me although when i kick off at something he doesnt man handle me the way i do him he just totally ignores me

Fairenuff · 12/01/2014 12:59

That doesn't sound good tia. I guess it works for you but it's not healthy. Do you have children?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/01/2014 13:04

You're meant to be his life-partner tiamaria, not a nightclub bouncer.... Not normal in the slightest.

rumbleinthrjungle · 12/01/2014 13:54

I grew up with a DF who did this, never actually hit us instead of doors and furniture but DM says it got very close a few times. I'm in my 40s now, I love him and know he was having a hard time in those years, we have a good relationship but I still shake when I hear his voice start to rise.

DM did everything she could. Supported him. Encouraged. He had counselling. She managed the situation and his triggers. Trained me and sibs to manage him and his triggers. What she never once did was put down boundaries and say this is not ok, and if you breach those boundaries you need to leave. He needed those boundaries, and sibs and I seriously did. All of us ended up being treated for depression and post traumatic stress in our early twenties, and one of us has been through two abusive relationships in adulthood through having been trained on looking after people with explosive tempers and not enough sense of responsibility for the others in the home.

It's not ok for someone in a family to make the other members afraid and threatened, these physical displays are violent, it's not ok to make the other family members pay the long term price of one person's problems. He has a responsibility to sort this out and he needs to be motivated to do it. You may need to motivate him by making the boundaries of what you're prepared to put up with and what you're prepared for children to put up with, very clear and being prepared to stick to them.

NumptyNameChange · 12/01/2014 14:15

so rather than either of you address your unreasonable behaviour you just let the kids witness it then tia?

are you expecting your children to behave in similar ways given the example set them? do you feel able to manhandle teenagers out of the house too?

NumptyNameChange · 12/01/2014 14:16

i'm afraid the teacher in me is thinking oh joy more angry adolescents who've not been taught temper tantrums and aggression are not acceptable ways to deal with your feelings. cheers.

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