A personal story of female to male violence

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Yes this is a thread about a thread and obviously I've name changed and also changed some details, but the story is the same.

I have been with my DP for 5 Years, about one year in to our relationship we went on a (his) works night out. I was having a great evening and drinking more than is healthy, but feeling very convivial until I noticed my DP was paying particular interest in his female colleague. Previously he had been talking about her a lot saying how much fun she was.
I told him I was nipping to the loo and when I came out they had gone (the whole group not just him and her) I eventually tracked them down to another bar. He was not apologetic and looked almost disappointed that I had found the group. Generally he was being a twat towards me, put downs, comparing me with this woman etc. There was no affair but at this point he would have 'gone there'.
I had issues in my life that were temporary but draining me mentally and I wasn't the vivacious thing he had first met.
When we got home I confronted him asked him if he was having an affair. His reply 'No but I want to' he meant it.
I gave him a black eye. To have reached that point, alcohol, the stress of my 'issues' and him telling me that he wanted to shag his young beautiful colleague.
Anyway, the remorse drove me to a near breakdown. I am 45 I've never had a fight in my life. Never hit anyone. Ever.
I don't drink anymore.
We are still together 3 years on. I have never hit him since.
If this ever happened again I would never see him again.
He changed jobs and I have had to support him through some tough times too therefore he acknowledges life isn't always rosy. He apologised for being a twat and getting carried away with his infatuation.
We are very happy.

Had he posted here it would have been 'LTB' and 'go to the police' 'its never a one off'

Trust me it was a one off and the worst thing I have ever done.

I know some of the 'reasons' I have posted will be met with 'there is never an excuse' and you are quite right. I am not after anything I don't care if I get flamed because I flamed myself for long enough after the event.

Nor do I want to decry any advice given to anyone trying to leave a violent relationship.

It is simply my story that I wanted to share because I never ever thought I would be capable of doing this but I did and I am so sorry.

Until you have been with him for another 20 years, we can't say "it was only a one off" though, can we?

I have mixed feelings about it tbh. I understand the rage and frustration and the feeling of wanting to lash out. I can understand how being drunk can tip those feelings over the edge.

I don't always think the first thing women/men should do is LTB. But that very much depends on the circumstances of the argument, situation etc.

I should say my DF regularly beat my DM, I have been hit in previous relationships and my DP was beat by his ex.

The thing is, I think your story is probably quite common. I don't think personally that one hideous, drink fueled incident should mean game over when both sides can admit fault, apologise and swear never to go there again.

I've slapped an ex full across the face, and said some fairly grim things to DP too. Am not proud of either, but both have served as learning opportunities.

I think that adults should be able to accept that this can be reality. But here on MN if the male is the one using his hands, or saying vile things, then the party line is that there is no provocation, ever, to justify it.

For me, that's where the problem lies. Women can behave appallingly, and men can suffer. But this seems to be a difficult dynamic for many to acknowledge.

I also hate the feeling that it is ever ok for a woman to hit a man because its not the same.

It's exactly the same. There seems to be an attitude even in schools that if a girl hits a boy its not as bad as the other way round.

My uncle was physically abused by his then wife. Part of the abuse is that a good man can't do anything to defend himself against it because even catching her by her wrists could potentially have left bruises.

He's married again now and happy - as he deserves to be.

Its just my story whether you think it it may happen again unless I get another 20 years under the belt is your prerogative. Thats fine.
I just never ever expected it to happen and the fallout was catastrophic.
Also if a male or female friend told me the same story I would .. to this day.. say leave. I would never say ah..well once I did xx and we are still together. I certainly wouldn't minimise it with 'ahh but you were flirting' 'you goaded him' No chance. Double standards ?? I don't know.
For me it was a series of shitty events culminating in something I never thought i was capable of.
He would go if this ever happened again. But I would go if he ever flirted with anyone again too.

OP - fair enough; if flirting is a dealbreaker for you (as it would be for many), and you would go, that's fine. But by phrasing it the way you have almost sounds like your excusing your one-off violence because he'd been flirting.

There is NO excuse. Two wrongs do not make a right. When people excuse violence or flirting or a one night stand with the fact they are drunk, it is almost NEVER the first time that person has lost their inhibitions when drunk (even if this is their worst case). They usually KNOW the effect drink has on them. So they have the choice not to drink to ensure it doesn't happen again.

If someone's behaviour appals or offends or disrespects you, you have three options:

1. communicate and improve things;
2. communicate and try to improve things but if not, leave;
3. leave.

ANY form of violence, I don't care whether it is male to female or female to male is unacceptable, whether it's a slap round the face or full beating.

As a personal story, I also gave exH a chance when we were dating. We married, but it ended badly, because he wasn't a good person at heart.

From that story, I'd have told you both to leave each other.

It's been 3 years down the line for you.
Fingers crossed.

4 years lapsed between Exs first attack on me and the second. Your excuses and platitudes mean nothing.

When I was 19 I was living with an ex. Our relationship was generally great and I fell pregnant. We were both so young and agreed on a termination. We went to a works party while I was still pregnant and I felt so awful. He was dancing with other girls and I was so angry he wasn't sat with me supporting me So I went home.

He came home and was laughing at me for being silly. I wanted him to leave but he wouldn't. I tried to leave and when he realised the seriousness of the situation he blocked the door to stop me leaving. I kicked him so hard that when we woke up the next morning he had a big egg on his shin and I had to take him to A and E. He didnt think twice about not telling them the truth about what had happened. They send him home saying it was bruising.

I have never ever done anything like this since.

I felt so much remorse.
I feel even more ashamed of it now then I did then. If he did this to me I'd have left him on the spot but we were together for another three years and were mostly pretty happy.

I don't know how the double standards works. But I'm glad I wasn't arrested.

I agree NotKnew which is why I couldn't believe that it happened.
I was disgusted.

I'm so sorry Monet thats dreadful..

In your case AConfession he was holding you against your will when you kicked him, and I would are that as a defensive kick

As a man, I would say stop beating yourself up about it, if you will excuse the pun. You made a mistake, have accepted that it was a mistake and will not let it happen again. He has forgiven you and now you need to forgive yourself.

My ex. hit me a few times in anger, not in the face but it was uncontrolled violence that if a man had done to a woman would have been condemned (especially on here). Personally I didn't take it badly or really think much about it as she was too small to really hurt me and it was just an expression of the anger she was feeling. It certainly did not over shadow our relationship at the time - it was just forgotton about quite quickly. It is not such a big deal in the scheme of things and your partner must have accepted it as such as he is still with you.

See, not are

But this is exactly what a violent person always says. Apology, shock that they were capable, reassurance it will never happen again. You don't know that. He doesn't know that.

The capability to be violent and the fact that you couldn't stop yourself becoming physical means that it absolutely could happen again. Of course it could. You couldn't stop yourself before so you are unable to definitively state as fact that you could stop yourself in future.

Actually, Confession, him blocking the door could be considered abusive to start with.

I wish to state, for the record, I am a man. ElBurro, you basically told your ex that it was acceptable for her to hit you. You enabled her. She may be doing it to someone else now. You should have encouraged her for her own good to seek some help on anger management if she was unable to prevent herself from lashing out physically. I'm afraid by saying things like "it's not such a big deal in the scheme of things" is nonsense, as violence very often escalates.

Well, I don't agree hyva. Seeing the shock on a loved ones face ans dealing with the aftermath of your own loss of control can be a lesson learned.

I've never slapped anybody else in my life. I know now how to step back from volatile situations. I didn't then.

In our case it was not a big deal to me and did not escalate. please do not tel me how to feel.

Thank you ElBurro.
To anyone who thinks I am offering excuses platitudes etc, I am not. I just never could have foreseen that I would behave in this way, and I had to include a bit of background or it would have been.
'Hey I gave my DP a blackeye on a night out' but its ok it was a one off and we are fine'

Hyva
I am not a violent person. I have, in all my life never been violent until then..
'Ahh but there is always a first time' Damn right there will be a last too. That was it

ElBurro - I did not tell you have to feel. I did express my belief that by acting as you did might have been fine for YOU but probably was not the best thing for HER.

Morris - It was the aftermath of the loss of my self control that was the worst, the thought of losing my DP, the fear of being arrested, the shock on his face.

NotNew, I amazed that you can make these judgement calls based on a few sentances on an internet message board. You must be incredibly perceptive ......