Partner puts me down, what is wrong with me?

[boringoldc]

Name changed for this, have been a regular poster here for a while.

I'm not sure where to start with this as it's long and I don't want to drip feed so I'll try my best. I have been with my partner since 2010, I have a DS from a previous marriage and am pregnant at the moment, though it is early days.

I'll be honest, I don't have any real hobbies as such but I am happy the way I am before anyone asks, I don't feel down about anything. In my own time especially after work I like to read books, watch the tv, go on mumsnet, I read the papers a lot and like to debate about things, when it's sunny I like to go for walks or take DS to the park and beach but my partner constantly says I am boring and have no hobbies. I get upset at this but he constantly says how much I bore him. He has what he says are "real" hobbies like he enjoys working on cars and gardening but he says mumsnetting, reading papers etc aren't real hobbies and I bore him to death, I've been called a "boring cunt" before. Sometimes I have questioned myself and convinced myself I am not normal and tried to get myself into things like running but I just don't like it, I am happy the way I am but he makes me feel like I am the most dull person on earth. I do have my own friends to, they often come over for drinks or like next week for an example, we take my DS out together for a meal and a shop etc. I don't even always buy anything but I have a keen interest in fashion (again, partner says this isn't a real hobby)

Sometimes he is so nice to me and things will be great for a while then suddenly he just turns on me and insults me about how boring I am and how I don't do anything. The other day he actually had a go at me because apparently I was on the laptop but "didn't look at him when he was talking to me" I knew EXACTLY what he was saying and was doing two things at once (applying for a job) he said I am extremly rude even though I can remember everything he said and my replies. It's just like he loves putting me down.

He is constantly critical of everything I do as well. Like I can't wash up properly apparently, I do things the "wrong way" like I eat with a knife and fork in the opposite hand to most as it's comfortable. If I chop things in a certain way he HAS to show me his way as it's better (and I try just to shut him up but I'm a grown woman for crying out loud, I know what is best for me!) It's like I am not allowed a personality of my own. Like when I am cooking I like to be alone (small kitchen, it's just my preferance) and start to get a a bit stroppy I won't lie if i have people crowding round me, he says I am rude and he "just wants to help" i always say thank you and I appreciate it but I just prefer to do that on my own.

He says I am never allowed to mention the past as it's the past and to be honest, I don't. Sometimes if he has upset me I will mention that he has done it before (like calling me the c word) and asked him to not do it as it upsets me but he does it again. He also had a lot of anger issues for the first while we were together, i.e, smashing things up, sometimes physical towards me, a lot of insults. I stood by him whilst he sought help for his issues and have tried my best to be supportive. But I am not allowed to ever mention it yet he can bring up my past. When I got with him I was honest in the fact I had suffered post natal depression with my son and responded badly, I was still a good mother but I did go out once or twice a week to nightclubs and I had a few one night stands. Well quite a lot. I do hugely regret the way I acted but I suppose I wanted to feel attractive and felt lonely and down about myself after my first marriage broke down. He says I am a slag and often brings this up for doing that even though I can't bring up anything that was even mentioned yesterday.

Also about two years ago he was messaging his childhood sweetheart (he was with her from about age 14 to nearly 16) and in the messages he called her "gorgeous" and they were talking about him picking her up late at night as she was drunk. He says nothing else happened and when I found out he did delete her, block her from all contact but it has stuck in my mind ever since. He says he only called her that as she was feeling down about herself and says I just make a big deal out of it. He had been hiding his phone for a while before that though so part of me wonders if he deleted more. If I say this though he just goes mad and storms off into another room and ignores me all night.

That is also what he does. If we argue he always has to storm off and sulk over night. I hate sleeping on rows, I don't tend to sleep well and just want to get it sorted but he will just sleep in another room huffing himself to sleep.

The thing is sometimes he is so nice, when I am home from work he will be there to cook dinner, he'll have cleaned the house or done things for me (but even then he says I don't show enough appreciation and he says my face says it all!) Sometimes we have these lovely evenings together and I can't deny he is a fantastic Father to my child. He is very attentitve to him and would never hurt him, that I trust, 100%. I don't know why I am writing this really. I just feel like I am the most boring, dull person on earth and feel like my confidence is being chipped away at.

He also brings up this one time I decided it would be for the best if we finished (why didn't he just stick with his thoughts) We were getting serious and I don't know how we got onto it, but we were discussing rules of kids when their older having the opposite sex stay in the same bed over night. It sounds so daft and it is daft but I know I won't let my DS sleep overnight in a bed when he is under 16 (i know some people may disagree with me, but i'm just describing the way it went) and i said that it would never happen and he'd have to wait till they were both 16 etc. He totally disagreed said was i saying his mother was a bad mum then as he was allowed to sleep in bed with above mentioned childhood sweetheart at 14 when he lost his virginity? I said no not at all, but I just don't agree with that. He said well how are we going to work then as I think that's OK. I said well it's not, let's leave things now as it will be no good arguing over an important issue like that in years to come.

Anyway eventually he changed his mind and said he agreed with me etc and said he wanted to be with me forever but even now he STILL mentions that row (it happened in 2011!!) it wasn't even a row either, just me saying how it would be with, at the end of the day, MY son when he was older.

Sometimes I think that is part of the issue to. He has got his way all his life, I don't think he has ever been said no to, he just intimidates people and bullies them into doing what he wants, even at that early age he told his mum he would just do it elsewhere if she didn't allow it, it's like, that's the way he is. I don't get how he can swing from being so horrible to me to being nice

Is he still 'physical' - ie violent - towards you? If so, get out now.

On the hobbies issue - yours sound a fuckload more sociable and shareable than his.

Ultimately, his behaviour is his responsibility and his alone. You haven't caused anything; he simply either can't be bothered to make an effort in things that interest you or even be polite to you, while expecting you to be his ideal of a partner: someone who agrees that the world revolves firmly around him.

He's just criticising everything you do and everything you are. That's not good for your ds and it's not good for you. I just picked driving out of the air for something that he would move on to if you took up hobbies he approved of. He's already having a go at your driving when you can't even drive!!!!

He really is a total prick.

I bet all your friends are just waiting for the day that you finally leave him.

He hasn't been violent to me for around 6 months, though since that stopped I feel like the insults have got worse.

I would like more friends really. I have two really good friends, one lives in my old home town 70 miles away the other I have met since I moved here who is lovely (she only see's the good side of him though, whereas I have been a bit more open with friend at home who doesn't like him) the rest I have are work friends, people from school, but I wouldn't find it difficult to get back in touch with them if I could. I did lose one of my best friends from secondary school as she hated him and sadly have lost touch with her now. I don't blame her really though. All though i am quite shy as I said and I do find it difficult, especially lately to talk. I miss home terribly and I still don't feel this is my home where i am now.

That's because he's an abuser.

Is there any way, at all, that he makes you feel better about your life or is making you become a person you like more? Because honestly, that's what a good relationship should do. I like myself more when I'm with my husband. He has made me feel more confident about myself and more content with who I am and the life I have.

If a relationship isn't enhancing your life, why stay? It won't be good for either of your children in the long run.

Oh dear. I'm sorry you're in an abusive relationship. He doesn't have to actually be violent when fear of violence and the chronic verbal abuse is still keeping you in check. There's nothing wrong with you OP and I'm sorry you're so unhappy and believing his rubbish, blaming yourself. He's a nasty piece of work.

If you need help extricating yourself I'm sure Womens Aid would be happy to talk to you. 0800 2000 247

You are at risk. Your partner is an abuser.
Please take steps towards talking to someone in real life, especially your old friends. Please talk to these people as soon as you can, too:
www.womensaid.org.uk

Nothing wrong with you OP , hes a dickhead .

The times he is nice, I feel happy and content, i feel extremly happy, but then when he gets nasty I feel like I'm just a shit person whose boring and dull and no other man would ever want me. He would never even consider moving back to my home town, we lived briefly there for 6 months and he said it was a shit hole and horrible. I try not to act offended because it is just a town and perhaps it is a bit rough but it's my home town with lots of memories with my family all there and i miss them lots. His family live 100 miles away so we don't see them much (they are a nice couple, i can't fault my mother in law or his step-dad)

The thing is I know if he read this thread he would probably say I've twisted things or missed out how awful i am to him. He is back now outside tinkering on the car, so by his reckoning, I should not be on the laptop on mumsnet/reading i should be out talking to him keeping him company. Well to be it's cold and I don't want to be outside and if i am honest, aside from the summer, i am an indoors person anyway. I am alwys apparently more interested in mumsnet than him and barely look at him. I suggested (bravely) maybe if he had more respect for me I would engage more with him? He just replied "nice one, twisting it to put the blame on me"

Regards to the home town thing I then got angry and said it wasn't so great here either as there isn't much to do and wish I never said it as now he says i am just as bad as him for saying stuff. It's OK here but it is very small, transport is not very good and not a lot to do.

he just says I am being stupid as auto cars are more to run
i am sure that is rubbish, besides if you are driving with children in the car, an auto is so much easier, less to think about u know?
he sounds vile btw

I used to work in a women's refuge. Women would always say the DV was because of something they had said or done but these men are very controlling and find women they can control. Emotional/psychological abuse are the worse kinds because they are so isolating and chip away at self confidence.
My advice keep your friends & family close, you are going to need them.

Why don't you write (and hide!!) a detailed personal visualisation for yourself, describing your life in, say, 2 years' time, as you would ideally like it to be?
So, for example, "I am living in a beautiful 2 bed cottage in x village with an open fire and a garden with a trampoline and slide for ds. I'm working at x and have made many new friends, going out one night each weekend whilst parents babysit...... etc" Make it very detailed. Then compare it with what you've got now.

If you don't identify what you really want, how can you go after it in real life?

Of course he's nice occasionally. They always are. But look what you just wrote. No-one should have to feel 'brave' to speak to a partner about anything. In a loving relationship you should feel that you can talk about anything and be heard. You only need to be 'brave' when something is frightening.... and he sounds bloody nasty.

I often dream about what I want, often it is him, just the way I would expect to be treated if you see what I mean? He often tells me i am beautiful (i don't feel it) but that's about it for nice things. Last night i asked him to tell me one good thign about myself and he said he couldn't as he was pissed off at me. :(

I have no career going for me either. I was a student nurse when i met him but had to give it up (medical issues) so now on a job that pays 7.33 an hour. I find the human body very interesting but am stuck in a job with nothing to do with that. I know even if we split, I will have to see him won't I? I am carrying his child. I can't deny rights and i never would.

In an ideal world i just want to feel loved all the time, unconditionally, not on the condition I do x and y and smile wildly everytime he does something small. Like he has been sorting the garden for summer, he called me out and i said it looks nice, well done. Apparentely i had a face like a slapped arse and didnt show enough appreciation. What am i to do? A brass band march? Maybe i did have a face like a slapped arse because earlier on i'd been told how boring AGAIN i was for reading the paper online. I now feel now i am pregnant with number 2 (i am in my twenties) who would want me? a single mum of two?

There is nothing wrong with you. He's just a nasty twatwaffle.

It's so odd he is like this to. His family are fantastic. His grandad dotes on my DS, he always pops over to see my ds, sees him more than his own great-grandkids as they live miles away, always tells me how much he loves me and how he sees me as another daughter. The sweetest man you could ever met. He would be devestated to never see DS again. How can someone with such a lovely family be so awful sometimes

Having a lovely family doesn't guarantee a lovely personality any more than having a dire family results in being a shit.

Please change your username. He may insult you like that but there's no need to collude with him. BTW... if you're so boring to him, why's he still around?

You sound lovely. You are able to make good friends, as well as less close friends, eg. at work. Yet he criticises you for not making small talk with strangers? Bloody hell that's messed up! Psychopaths are characterised by their shallowness and superficial glib charm.
He's an abuser. Physical abuse is terrible, and clearly shows that he's crossed the line. But IMO an IME, emotional abuse can be the most damaging kind because it's what robs you of your confidence, which is what keeps you trapped with him for so long.
There's no way to 'manage' someone like this.

You also have to not think in terms of who would want you. He's conditioned you to feel that you're not good enough in your own right. That's all baloney, of course. Baloney that has made you afraid to leave him.

You will have a better life without him keeping you afraid of the violence and put downs. You will like yourself more when you are not constantly told that this or that is wrong with you.

And given the number of step-children threads on MN, it's obvious that plenty of people get a second chance. Worrying about that is a long way away, though. First you need to get yourself and your children, to safety, away from this abuser.

You're so young! How much life and opportunity you have! You could be a million times happier on your own, without him squeezing the happiness out of you. Equally, you could meet someone lovely and respectful and supportive. You'll never do either whilst you're with him.

I read about NPD a lot on here, it's thrown about easily but i often wonder if he has that. He matches a lot of what i read.

cogito i asked him that and he said, "because he loves me and can't imagine his life with anyone else" i told him there were plenty of fish in the sea and he said he only wanted me.

Yes i talk to people quite easily at work, I've worked there for nearly 2 years so i suppose that goes hand in hand with what i was saying, I am quite shy to begin with (it took me a while to start chatting freely) but i am fine now. Most of them are lovely people to be honest, I would like to make more friends with children DS age as most of the people there have older teenage kids and ds is very young (5 this year)

When he has discussed breaking up (he does this then begs for forgiveness he didn't mean it etc etc) i have always said i will save to go home, to be near my family. he automatically makes a dig and says i'll probably go out clubbing, shagging everyone like i used to. I always say it's none of his business even if i did (i never would, it was silliness when I did that) it's like he can't bear the thought of anyone else having me but at the same time he is very interested in other things sexually that can involve others. He often moans if we don't do certain things and complains if he doesn't get it enough to but to be honest, i just rarely feel like it and feel like i do it half the time to keep the peace.