Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

First anniversary fail - am I over-reacting? Please help!

30 replies

chillthefXXkout · 11/01/2014 10:04

Today is my first anniversary with my boyfriend and he has done nothing, to the point of not getting me a card or even saying Happy Anniversary. I've made him a card and am feeling foolish for yet again making an effort only to be disappointed in return. I'm pretty sure I should expect more from my partner but don't know how to go about getting it. What would you do?

I should add we live together so I'm not sure what to do with the day - we are going for a meal this evening (which I booked). I don't think I can stand a polite day but he hates confrontation and avoids it at all costs.

Previously when I've told him that I need more romance/effort/thought on his part he has given me examples of his romantic moments - they were all with his ex!!

I'm hurt and angry and any advice would be so much appreciated! Sorry for rambling!

OP posts:
ShatnersBassoon · 11/01/2014 10:06

I didn't count anniversaries until we were married. I wouldn't even have known when we met/started going out together. It's not that important really, but don't let that stop you celebrating if you want to.

Yama · 11/01/2014 10:07

I have never celebrated anniversaries. My parents didn't either and they have been married for over 40 years. Some people find the day to day more important.

You need to communicate.

CailinDana · 11/01/2014 10:07

If your relationship is like this after only a year then there isn't much hope I'm afraid. The way he points out how romantic he was with his ex screams "I cared about her but I don't really care about you."

ShatnersBassoon · 11/01/2014 10:08

PS - giving examples of how romantic he was with his ex is absolutely not on. That's rubbing salt in the wound if he's completely failed to be romantic with you. Or it could be that he's making up the examples.

pictish · 11/01/2014 10:08

I didn't make a point of celebrating one year together with my bf. It didn't even occur to me.

fuzzywuzzy · 11/01/2014 10:09

what did you say when you said the examples were all him and his ex?

Original poster
chillthefXXkout · 11/01/2014 10:10

Thank you for your replies - they are good to hear. I guess my expectations were raised previously as my ex was incredibly thoughtful and we always celebrated anniversaries (we were together 11 years) but I guess the point to take away is that he is my ex!!

I can't help wanting to be made to feel a little bit special thigh - even a post it note with I love you written on it would do!!

OP posts:
paxtecum · 11/01/2014 10:11

OP: Maybe you two are not suited to each other. - I don't mean that to be harsh.

But I don't know any couples who celebrate the anniversary of when they met.

Best wishes to you.

Blondeorbrunette · 11/01/2014 10:11

I haven't celebrated an anniversary with a boyfriend since I was about 12.

Plus you have posted this at ten in the morning, give the man a chance. He may have something planned for later.

I bet it's sex!

BeeMyBaby · 11/01/2014 10:11

I agree with other posters, I know when dh and I met and started seeing each other, and we mention it to each other every year, but have never done more than that.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 11/01/2014 10:11

It's a tough one because I guess if he did something romantic because you told him to, it would be meaningless anyway. What you want is for him to think of it himself because he wants to.
Anniversaries aren't a big deal to me but a bit of thought is always nice. If you want him to make more effort, you probably have to accept that he isn't going to think of it on his own and explain that you need such gestures. If you don't want to have to tell him, you probably have to adjust your expectations a bit.
Does he treat you well generally? I don't mean showering you with chocolates and diamonds, but does he day he loves you and tell you you're beautiful regularly etc? If he does, then I don't think anniversaries are that important- it's the rest of the year that he needs to make you feel loved.

pictish · 11/01/2014 10:12

I am definitely not an anniversary loving person mind you. Dh and I usually forget our anniversary. We might celebrate 10 years married if we remember to! Grin
We were together eight years before we got married though, so it's not really a marker of our relationship in my eyes.
In fact, I can't even remember what month we got together...just vaguely what season it was.

Original poster
chillthefXXkout · 11/01/2014 10:12

Fuzzywuzzy - I told him that those examples were with another woman and actually made it worse!

He says he hasn't the time because he commutes to work but that he 'probably should stick his head above the parapet'

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 11/01/2014 10:14

Blimey, some people are very high maintenance!

Blondeorbrunette · 11/01/2014 10:15

It's not fair to compare your current boyfriend with your ex. Already he has failed a test he didn't know he was taking.

Talk to him and tell him how you feel. It's your first anniversary so I would cut him some slack.

If you told him how you felt and he was still not making you feel special then I might pipe up and say something.

What's he like day to day?

Original poster
chillthefXXkout · 11/01/2014 10:17

Thank you everyone - I'm realising it's less about the anniversary and more that I don't feel massively 'thought of' if you know what I mean. Which is a separate issue - I'm not looking for hearts and flowers here, just a bit of appreciation. Day to day he is a lovely man, genuinely lovely. He doesn't say he loves me very often at all, but I'm learning to be ok with that - I guess I just wanted some reassurance precisely because I know e took his ex on surprise weekends away etc etc

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 11/01/2014 10:17

The issue seems to be that you have mis-matched expectations. One year in and already living together but not happy isn't good. Maybe take things slower to allow yourself to really decide if you are compatible.

JeanSeberg · 11/01/2014 10:19

He's very fond of telling you about his past romances isn't he? Is figs him volunteering the information or you pushing him?

eurochick · 11/01/2014 10:19

I've never celebrated anniversaries with boyfriends, just my wedding anniversary. But as others have said, it seems to be a deeper issue.

JodieGarberJacob · 11/01/2014 10:21

I can actually see the point of celebrating the anniversary of your first date more than celebrating the anniversary of your wedding. Means more. But some people aren't into it so you may have to be the partner who does all this if it means something to you. The only way you can get him to maybe change is to show how hurt you are. Getting arsey has the opposite effect!

pictish · 11/01/2014 10:21

Yes...does he tell you about his past romantic exploits because you are pushing him for proof of his ability to execute such a thing, or is offered freely by him with no prompting?

Perhaps at the point of the retelling, he misguidedly thought his tales of chivalry and romance would impress you?

FolkGirl · 11/01/2014 10:22

Maybe the romantic weekends away were just the way things were between him and his ex. Would you really want your relationship to look like theirs?

Maybe you're not compatible - the whole mis-matched expectations thing.

Maybe he's just not that into you.

Maybe you should talk to him.

Relationships exist between people. They do not exist within you and are not delivered from one person to another.

Original poster
chillthefXXkout · 11/01/2014 10:22

Seriously thank you - home truths are good to hear! I'm feeling bad about having a whinge (and so publicly!) but as many of you are saying there seem to be mis-matched expectations.

OP posts:
Original poster
chillthefXXkout · 11/01/2014 10:25

Folkgirl - he is that into me. I guess I was just thinking it wasn't enough?

JeanSeberg and Pictish - you are both right and I hadn't seen it like that at all! I've been a moron.

OP posts:
Kundry · 11/01/2014 10:28

It sounds like in his head he is a very romantic person - just he'd failed to realise that all of those moments aren't with you. Hopefully if you've said your bit and he genuinely is lovely things may improve. You could talk together about how you prioritize each other given that he works long hours.

He may also express his love differently to you. Not everyone is in to cards or anniversaries, or even saying I love you. My DH said it to me once when we were going out and then never again for about a year. He seemed to think that he'd said it, it was true, and he'd update me if the position changed so there was no need to say it again. It made me very sad at the time but then I realised a friend's husband said it to her every day and he was an emotionally abusive git. I'd rather have mine any day.

Comparing ex's is hard though - was he in a different job where he had more time for weekends away? Did she instigate the surprises more than you realise? Apart from the weekends were they fighting like cat and dog? Or did he actually hate going on them? You simply don't know the answers to these questions, the most important thing is that neither of you are with your exes anymore.