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Original poster

The Commercialisation of Weddings is Threat to Marriage

69 replies

johnworf · 11/01/2014 09:35

In an article from the Guardian former archbishop of Canterbury says young couples are encouraged to spend too much and focus on short term

Rowan Williams: 'Another significant change is the marketisation of the marriage experience, crystalised in the perfect wedding day … after which nothing is ever quite so good again. That's an aspect of the short-term, unimaginative climate we are faced with … this, I believe, poses the greatest threat to long-term successful marriages.'

-----------------

For me, we didn't focus on the day as such. It was low key with just my children and MiL in attendance. An outfit from M&S and a meal afterwards. Came in at well under £300.

If we look back to our grandparents' wedding, they were probably on a shoestring (certainly not costs ££££s) but the focus was on the long term rather than the day.

Do you think Rowan Willams is correct in his statement?

OP posts:

FolkGirl · 11/01/2014 09:44

Well most people are capable of seeing it for what it is. If they choose to go along with it anyway, more fool them!

I've never fantasised about my 'wedding'. I got married for life, not for a nice dress, to be 'treated like a princess' or for a fantastic day. Mine was a really inexpensive and intimate affair with no guests. It was probably a similar cost to yours.

I think a lot of people are a bit stupid when it comes to weddings. Well, a lot of things really...

FolkGirl · 11/01/2014 09:45

My exh had an affair a few years in. I don't think that would have not happened if we'd had a big wedding, but I think I'd be regretting the amount of money wasted on it!!

Offred · 11/01/2014 09:47

I think marriage should be abolished so have little sympathy with the idea that marriage is undermined by any particular thing.

CailinDana · 11/01/2014 09:59

No basically because it makes no sense. If two people genuinely love each other and get on then the wedding day is irrelevant. No sane person is going to say "I love you and we have a great marriage but we had a really wonderful wedding day so I'm going to divorce you."
The desire to have a big wedding might push people who shouldn't get married to wed but I would say that's rare. Most people go into marriage with hope. If it doesn't work out blaming the weddjng day just doesn't make sense.

It sounds like what he's really saying is "silly women expect too much and that's why marriages fail. If they accept less on their wedding day they'll accept less throughout their marriage and take what little they're given."

annieorangutan · 11/01/2014 10:05

I read the article and definitely agree with thr bit about some couples not talking enough before marriage. We see it all the time on mumsnet and its crazy!

KouignAmann · 11/01/2014 10:06

I did meet a young girl who was having a breakdown in the run up to her fairytale wedding. She was wearing herself out over finding a dance teacher to rehearse the first dance and dreading the perfect hen night her friend was organising. I could imagine she would be so tired and emotional by the big day that she would be starting married life in no fit state to cope with the challenges. But actually I think she was having some fairly fundamental doubts about her future husband that were being buried under all the detail over the occasion. It is about marrying the right person not about how much is spent on the day.

claudeekishi · 11/01/2014 10:10

While I agree with you to a certain extent Cailin, I do wonder if there is something to this. I hear so much about people my age planning dream proposals, elaborate stag and hen dos, and editorial type weddings. A lot of this is in the name of genuine good fun and getting people together for a once-off special day.
However I wonder if it clouds the reality of what tends to come next, most often babies and/or mortgages. I still think that many people have zero concept of how hard parenthood is. I think there is a glossy celeb version of parenthood that's sold (by whom is not always clear to me) alongside the glossy editorial wedding thing. And I think people get a giant shock when they realise how real and lonely parenthood can be.

On phone so not making huge sense but will post more thoughts later maybe...

uptheanty · 11/01/2014 10:10

I know a couple who are still paying off their wedding debt & are now divorced.

It is very sad.

It's the marriage that's important not the wedding.

CailinDana · 11/01/2014 10:11

Annie I do agree about the not discussing things. But that has nothing to do with the wedding day. Before marrying in a Catholic church you have to do a pre marriage course. It's a very good idea.and should be more widely promoted IMO.

CailinDana · 11/01/2014 10:14

I see what you're saying claude but again that's a lack of proper communication (in the couple and society) and doesn't have anything to do with the wedding. Having a simple wedding day doesn't prepare you for parenthood.

annieorangutan · 11/01/2014 10:15

I dont think you need a course its common sense I think why on earth dont people do that when I read it on herd. I was only just out of my teens when I married dh and obviously discussed these things. I dont get that thinking nor what claudee describes.

You can live it up for your wedding, hen night and honeymoon but only a real idiot would think of just that bit and not the realities of real life after.

Bunbaker · 11/01/2014 10:17

Judging by the number of bridezilla posts I see on mn I am inclined to agree that some couples tend to lose the plot when organising a wedding.

We couldn't afford a big wedding and neither of us are attention seeking in the slightest so we had a low key wedding 32 years ago and are still very happy together.

Kundry · 11/01/2014 10:19

You see all the time on mumsnet people saying they haven't got enough money to get married when what they mean is they haven't enough money for their dream wedding. If you really wanted to be married rather than have a big day where you look like a princess, you would do it.

And then there are all the bridezillas. I joined mumsnet when i was planning me wedding as it was so refreshing compared to the wedding sites where women are agonizing about what sort of favour to have but haven't discussed how they will split finances or who will do child care. If you go to a wedding fair, the madness is clear to see.

A friend of mine had a massive wedding which we knew would take years for them to pay off. But we all knew she wanted to have kids after and a long mat leave, then all the extra expense of children so why saddle yourself with debt. She now has the kids and is completely broke and rowing with her husband over money. Just for one day in a fancy dress.

And yet they have kids and often their DP is the bigger wage earner - they have no legal protection if they split up at all as everything is in DP's name.

So yes, I think he has a massive point.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 11/01/2014 10:26

I think he has a point but I'd refine it and say that some people think a lot about 'marriage' but fail to project 'married life'. Not really the big commercial wedding therefore, just some assumption that once 'marriage' has happened, everything magically falls into place. So they fail to work out the 'married life' issues such as finances, approaches to child-rearing, household chore division etc.

I knew someone who was so anxious to have a healthy baby that she attended three different ante-natal classes each week, read every book and kept complex charts on her nutrition intake.... but failed to appreciate the difference between 'birth' and 'being a parent'. Had no clue what to do once presented with an actual live human being. Same sort of thing

Offred · 11/01/2014 10:29

Not sure what you're getting at kundry with the last bit? If you're married everything is a joint asset.

HoratiaDrelincourt · 11/01/2014 10:30

Yes, it's the difference between getting married and being married.

It doesn't mean that you shouldn't have a nice frock and a big party, but simply that you should recognise those things for what they are, rather than a panacea for a suboptimal relationship.

Bunbaker · 11/01/2014 10:32

You have put that very well HoratiaDrelincourt

DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld · 11/01/2014 10:34

We had the big day (Dhs idea, not mine) but I don't see how it makes much of a difference to the relationship. Although when I think about it, DH was under the impression that being married changes you. He was pretty surprised when we just carried on as normal.

I honestly think it's too commercial. And people should focus more on the strength of their relationship rather than getting married.

Kundry · 11/01/2014 10:34

Sorry didn't edit my post properly so paragraphs in wrong order.

Meant that yes if you are married everything is a joint asset - but if you are an unmarried SAHM while he pays the mortgage, you are very vulnerable. I think it's madness to do this but have seen it many times because 'we can't afford/are saving up to get married'. They they split up or he dies and she discovers she isn't entitled to a bean. Often she has thought they had a 'common law marriage' not realising there is no such thing. Very sad.

claudeekishi · 11/01/2014 10:35

No the opposite isn't true of course I.e. simple wedding good marriage. Perhaps my concern about the instagrammed version of relationships/pregnancy/children vs the reality is a separate one. It's true about the lack of communication within society (MN does its bit to confront this) but not sure if it's always a lack of communication within couples. Many couples plan and talk loads but still have a massive shock when the first baby arrives, or if ttc proves very difficult, or if aged/sick parents become a huge issue.

claudeekishi · 11/01/2014 10:36

Lottiedoubtie · 11/01/2014 10:37

I had the massively expensive day. It was great thanks

DH and I are happy many years later.

I can tell the difference between a marriage and a wedding. Didn't mean I didn't want to indulge in a big wedding.

Didn't get into debt, but did have help from lovely family (who also didn't get into debt).

I'm bored of the berating of 'weddings' on MN, change the record.

Offred · 11/01/2014 10:42

There is some legal protection that can be sought for unmarried SAHMs on behalf of the children. For example you can assert your right to maintenance for the children and you can have occupation rights in the family home until the children grow up.

You can assert your claims to these things through the courts.

There is no protection at all for unmarried dependent partners who have no children. They are the most vulnerable group.

HoratiaDrelincourt · 11/01/2014 10:42

Thanks Bunbaker. We were told before we got married that everything would be "the same, but with better plates" and if you expect anything else you need to have a good think.

HoratiaDrelincourt · 11/01/2014 10:43

That is, any difference in the day-to-day.

Nicer towels though.

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