The Commercialisation of Weddings is Threat to Marriage

[johnworf]

In an article from the Guardian former archbishop of Canterbury says young couples are encouraged to spend too much and focus on short term

Rowan Williams: 'Another significant change is the marketisation of the marriage experience, crystalised in the perfect wedding day … after which nothing is ever quite so good again. That's an aspect of the short-term, unimaginative climate we are faced with … this, I believe, poses the greatest threat to long-term successful marriages.'

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For me, we didn't focus on the day as such. It was low key with just my children and MiL in attendance. An outfit from M&S and a meal afterwards. Came in at well under £300.

If we look back to our grandparents' wedding, they were probably on a shoestring (certainly not costs ££££s) but the focus was on the long term rather than the day.

Do you think Rowan Willams is correct in his statement?

If people are foolish enough to do this its their own fault.
Right back in the 80's my then business included wedding coordinating and people were spending thousands then. I don't think its a new phenomenon, some people want to spend a lot, it allows businesses to thrive.

Wedding day is the focus and the what happens afterwards is incidental or an anticlimax (that's what I'm reading into the article).

I don't believe everyone is like this, far from it. But I'm sure there are lots of people who spend £2k+ on a dress they will never wear again - I certainly know of some. If you can afford it, great. But in my world £30k, heck £5k, is something I'd never consider spending on one day in my life. If I had that sort of money to hand I'd be spending it on the house or something practical.

Maybe some people just like all the attention that a big wedding gives them.

I personally would be happy to get married with as little fuss and bother as possible. I quite like the idea of getting married one day and not telling anyone until weeks after.

I'd like to add as well that generally I find the whole wedding thing a bit naff and cheesy.

Bitter(!) ha ha! Maybe you could try a counter argument if you disagree before you launch into the personal insults!

mademan we did that, well almost, only my best friend and DHs best friend knew, they were our witnesses and sworn to secrecy.
It was much better that way, wetold our parents a few days later then put it in the local paper.

Everyone said it was a very 'us' way of doing it, if I had to do it again I would do it the same

So having a big wedding 'poses a threat to long term marriage'. Rowan Williams is very often a knob. A knob that's arrogantly out of touch with the real world. Maybe he should go back down to grass roots and see how real people live, and stop his moralising, and frankly immature, un thought out tripe.
Sorry, back to the relevant point - I think my first sentence quotes why this is absolute generalising (with no real foundations) tripe.

Hootloop, that sounds the perfect way to have the "big day".

We ran away to get married as well with random witnesses.

i wouldn't be up for all the attention either. i would loathe it and actually it doesn't seem a huge vanity play for the most part.

and if i was going to spend 30k i could think of much better things to spend it on.

30k - jesus! couldn't you just go to disneyworld and slip them a grand to let you play a princess for the day?

i wouldn't say a big wedding threatens a marriage but that being the kind of people who feel a day merits 30k being spent on it in order for it to seem special might tell you a lot about those people and the things it tells you might have a bearing on their chances of staying married.

if you can find joy and specialness in, and be happy with, something small you possibly show the traits of someone who can find joy in life and take the rough with the smooth and find ways to be happy even in difficult times. if you need a perfect dress, day, venue, la la la then maybe that indicates you might struggle with the realities of day to life and tribulations.

Excellent points Numpty

i wouldn't say a big wedding threatens a marriage but that being the kind of people who feel a day merits 30k being spent on it in order for it to seem special might tell you a lot about those people and the things it tells you might have a bearing on their chances of staying married.

You really do like judging don't you? What is it bourne out of? (Jealousy?)

Plenty of days in my life have been 'special' and cost less than that. The wedding was special to me because it was my wedding, not because of cost.

That said it was nice to experience all sorts of things I wouldn't otherwise have done.

I don't follow your point about the idea that the 'sort of people' who spend 30k can't stay married?

I repeat I've been happily married for years.

if you can find joy and specialness in, and be happy with, something small you possibly show the traits of someone who can find joy in life and take the rough with the smooth and find ways to be happy even in difficult times. if you need a perfect dress, day, venue, la la la then maybe that indicates you might struggle with the realities of day to life and tribulations.

I find lots of happiness and joy in simple things- the cat being cute, a walk in the country, camping under the stars etc...

I can also find happiness in a massive party with all my friends and family.

I think the capacity to enjoy many different types of things is quite a nice part of the human condition.

Might struggle with day to day realitities? To coin a popular phrase on here... Did you mean to be so bloody rude?

Oh yes, you did.

Why I wonder?

Lottie You say that £30,000 isn't extravagant . We must move in very different circles.

I bet we don't, I don't want to give the impression that I'm rich and extravagant. I had a lot of family help with the costs (offered freely, not stolen and sulked over!).

I come from a fairly average lower MC family, DH and I both hold down professional jobs.

The house, followed by the wedding represent my only expenditure in that bracket.

By not 'extravagant' I meant, we didn't have birds of prey flying rings down the aisle in a castle and then go out for a drive in a specially designed horse drawn carriage...

On the other end of the scale we're not wedding covered by the Tatler type of people either.

Incidentally the only debt I have is student loan and mortgage based, you save and cut your cloth accordingly.

lottie dear i'm definitely not jealous. suggesting so says a lot about you.

Does it? Just what sort of person have you assumed I am?

I've never encountered such judgemental and plain nasty attitudes about weddings anywhere in real life but on here they're in abundance.

I wouldn't consider my wedding extravagant either but it probably would be on here. It was bloody great though, as is our marriage.

It's interesting that commercialisation of weddings is seen as a Very Bad Thing when marriage has been a financial transaction apart from anything else for ages in many cultures.

I think the commercialisation of Christmas or sports is more annoying personally. It's easier to name what hasn't been over-commercialised these days.

We had our "dream wedding" for £12k (spent on what mattered to us, made do with the rest), we saved up for over 2 years beforehand in order to do so. We wanted to start a family straight after so actually I did want a bit of attention on me beforehand. Now I'm glad I have photos where I look nice, fresh-faced, glossy-haired and size 8 (4 years and 2 kids later my bust size alone will never be the same ). That might make me shallow but we knew getting married would mark the end of one chapter and the start of another frankly terrifying one, and we wanted a nice souvenir.

*i wouldn't say a big wedding threatens a marriage but that being the kind of people who feel a day merits 30k being spent on it in order for it to seem special might tell you a lot about those people and the things it tells you might have a bearing on their chances of staying married.

if you can find joy and specialness in, and be happy with, something small you possibly show the traits of someone who can find joy in life and take the rough with the smooth and find ways to be happy even in difficult times. if you need a perfect dress, day, venue, la la la then maybe that indicates you might struggle with the realities of day to life and tribulations.*

What a bunch of sweeping generalisations!

Our wedding didn't cost as much as 30k but it was nonetheless a 'big' wedding. It had nothing to do with a 'need' for perfection, a lack of ability to find happiness in day to day life, etc - frankly if that were true then we wouldn't have made it as far as the wedding in the first place (we were together for the best part of 10 years before getting married).

Why did we have a big day? Because we recognised the significance of the commitment we were making to each other and wanted to celebrate it, in a special way with as many of our family and friends as possible. It is possible to have a big wedding without doing it for shallow reasons, you know!