Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 28

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

After saying for past few weeks that he would give up his job and move 100s of miles away if I really meant it-
Now he has to live here as he'll lose his job otherwise as too tired .
So depressed, I was doing so well, I was feeling better
He ranted at my dad a few days ago who is now ill with the stress of that experience: awful but I know it means he would let me and dd stay. It really opened my eyes to the effect.

He's been ranting on and on at me this evening. I thought I had left this all behind . Feel so trapped.

I couldn't get rid of mine till divorce well past because of settlement - he had no money that was not jointly owned with me (and untouchable by either of us singly), had no job, and only had a recently started business which produced very little income.

It was a stressful year, from first seeing solicitor to him finally going.

There is a lady here whose plight sounds very familiar. I've invited her over to this thread but she might like some support.

Hi lovelies,

Just popping in to say I often think of you all (and to get you on my Threads I'm On!).

I have so much space from FW now. I'm enjoying work (it would've been - was - impossible to work while we were together). I love living in the village I'm in (we'd never have moved here together because none of the houses were right for him - or at least the ones that matched his criteria would have been way out of our price range!). And I'm getting regular breaks (while he takes the DCs) to recharge, so I feel well rested and able to cope with life for the first time in twelve years.

I still worry about the DCs and that's my biggest concern. I think things are better for them this way, but sometimes it's hard to know. I think they think that things were better before.

Anyway, that's the view from this side of leaving. Good luck to you all, wherever you are and whatever your plans are!

Aw i hope she comes in and says hello :-)
Gonna pop onto her thread soon.

I came here to ask some advise regarding social services.
Ss advised i stopped contact with ds and hos father. I did do that. So an assessment was carried out, starting with me and the kids.
Its exes turn to be assessed tomorrow.
I am worrying about the things he might say make up and how that will affect me,if at all?

Has anyone been in this position. If so, how did it go?

That is great to hear, charlotte. Im pleased things are working out for you
You will worry about your dc, thats what we do. They will be fine though, and if not now, they will understand more in the future.
But its great when you can have that chance to full recharge.
Well done

Could one of you plese go here and tell her what she needs to take into refuge with her? Thank you

that is brilliant Charlotte such a different place now. An inspiration to one and all.

The DC have their dreams of family life and some aclimatising to do,its still early for them, as long as lines of communication stay open to you and they feel safe with you, the rest will settle down i'm sure. I worry about the time they are with the FW, what FWittery is takingplace still and so on.

Hello lovelies - I haven't posted in about 2 months, but have been thinking about you all lots. Haven't read back, so haven't caught up with any new posters - but: I'm sorry you have to be here, but here is a good place to be. Saved my life it blinking well did.

Charlotte - that's so lovely to hear, I am over the moon for you. You do know that you are a complete star, yes?

Fi - sorry, haven't caught up at all with how things are with you my lovely, but have thought about you lots. Just not been in the right place for posting.

Hi to all. charlotte I'm sure the kids will appreciate things in time. I have a vision of your village/house, just shamelessly indulging my own fantasy of where I'd like to be!

I haven't been posting much because I am just keeping my head down and getting on with things. But something happened today (not h related!) which really upset me and I am questioning myself. I've been working on a project with no real brief or timescale, won't go into too much detail, and I am pretty much on my own a lot of the time. I came up with what I thought was a really good strategy for something... but yesterday I found myself in a position of being criticized, it wasn't even me specifically but a supplier I brought in, being totally ?? Slagged off I think is how to put it. I defended them but felt personally attacked...totally out of the blue. Co worker is a real 'bully' type, I can see through her but the horrible feeling has stayed with me, I cannot sleep, but I'm trying to think of ways to 'please' her now.... And wondering if this is just my personality, I could gloss over the bad things and get on with life but instead choose to focus on it and let it bother me., sad thing is I was really enjoying my job but now I feel like quitting just to make a point (the point being that they are disorganised and untalented and I am too good for them and I'll take my good ideas and go away :)) but I'm also feeling incompetent and feeling like I cannot hold down a job- what h always accused me of. He says I always take things too personally which might be true.

But wondering if years of years of self-doubt caused by h are more to blame, and what I really should do is deal with th situation not my feelings. Revenge is looking like a nice option however!

Hey Pony - its so lovely to hear from you.. been thinking of you too and wondering if you were doing ok, sorry that you not in the right place for posting (if thats what you meant by that - it might have meant you haven't been close enough to your computer, or other [good] things drawn you away).

Thats whatever FW says can be ignored? I think we will always find these kind of criticisms of our personalities inthe things they say/accused us of. its a bit like reading the stars and making them fit us, just because we have been told these things for so long. The important thing is that it doesn't matter what he thinks. Only what you do? I think that the 'bully' in the coworker has stirred up other feelings of badness that have greater depths as a result of said bully indoors. maybe its a 'something' we are gifted by the FW's and need to return, bullying works when we let their words in, turn criticisms in on ourselves and become unable to act then. The badfeelings then spill over into everything else (the rest of your job, which is good, and you were enjoying). So, essentially agreeing with you totally. should have just said 'agreed thats but you recognise that it is spoiling everything else for you, when the rest was really good, its just this supplier thats not?

Thinking bout Bounty too and hoping she's getting on well.

i've missed the nc's i think for Peas and cloud, had spells of not posting here and think move ahead apace, assumed new joiners.

Nice to see some old names here again - and good to hear life is on the up for you Charlotte, you sound so much happier.

No energy for posting here at the moment but thinking of everyone still stuck inside like me. This thread is a lifeline.

Hey Fi and Nini

It's not so much that I've not been in the right place for posting, it's more that I felt that I needed to set aside thinking about my past abusive relationship for a while and focus on going forwards. I found I'd become almost phobic about reading the thread, just even scanning it was triggering, so I thought I'd best leave it be for a while. But yes, good things have also been happening and it's been nice to just think about them for a while. Will see how I get on with posting for now, am deliberately not reading back in case I get the jitters, but hope everyone is ok.

Will try and pop back a bit more often and post, see how I get on!

Fi I am peas it is my other threads name but sometimes forget to change back when I switch threads

to all.

oh! cheers Peas

Well done for breaking from it Pony ... it's better that you are moving on and forward and away from it. so good to hear you are enjoying your good things so much. more of that I reckon!

Hi Pony. Hi Fi and all.
Pony I understand what you say about the thread.
I can't really cope with Lundy the Great for long before I start to shake and cry.
But the other way of looking at triggering is playing FW Bingo on the thread, which I come on to play any time I doubt or blame myself - or think that FWs are anything but FWs. Oh and FW Bingo always gives me positive strength.

Hello all, im not sure what to say,other than im in an EA relationship. Hes more like jekyll and hyde actually.

To the outside world he is amazing. He provides everything however i feel he hates me so much im on borrrowed time.

Hey Arth

bit of a reunion going on...

thats sad and I'm sorry to hear you feel like this.. Maybe more bingo nights wouldbe in order?

pesca on borrowed time? Are you in any danger? Stay safe.

No im not in danger . Iv just finally realised hes being there for me until our children grow up. Thats why he wont have another child with me it would tie him to me for even longer.

In my introspective mood last night forgot to say Hello! to everyone, Arth, Mink, Nini, stay strong, Pony I agree, really hope to get to a FW-free place at some point, and to embrace a 'new normal' where I am not doubting all my decisions and trying to second guess 'what would FW want me to do?' all the time! Thanks Fi, I think we have all been conditioned through this experience and it's so hard to work out what would be a normal reaction and what is a conditioned reaction, so to speak. Off to work now, had a good rant with a co worker yesterday re: hurtful bully, and it was good just to share stories and I now have a idea of how to deal with the situation. Too bad I never had that 'immediate' help/sharing with FW all those years ago (pre MN!) as it really helps to talk about it and realize others have the same reaction!
Pesc My H also appears the nicest most caring person to others, he loves the attention and is truly genuine in his intentions but he can turn on me so hurtfully... it never makes sense and so hard to see when you are in the middle of it.

oops.. x-possted there Pesca sorry.

hi and welcome, and yes, absolutely the same. to the world and behind closed doors very different, very! sudden scarey explosions from nowhere, withholding, controlling, especially over having children (always a big controlling factor, one way or the other), and feeling completed locked out by them withhoolding their emotions/sex.

good you found a friendly ear that shares your reaction, and that changes everything!.

hi ladies waves
how you all doing?
pesc sounds like you need to hang around for a bit here, you'll soon see their behaviour has a formula and that you are not alone.

I, this week, feel massively alone. When I moved in I was dancing around my kitchen and now I can't stop crying.
I feel so angry at him for taking away all those wonderful things which could have been in my life the last few years. If I see anything on telly about weddings (he wouldn't marry me because of my attitude and TOLD me at his cousins wedding) I cry. I am a weeping mess.
And when he has the kids...which feels like ALL THE TIME I am here, on my own, with nothing to do.
Once I used to make art, now I just sit and cry with no motivation.
I feel like my life should be full and it feels so empty suddenly.
The kids keep saying "daddy this" and "daddy that" and I am losing my patience with it because their daddy is a shit bag!!!

hello all, I've missed you all. DS was very clear with me two weeks ago that what had been exclusion from friendship groups was now bad bullying and I realised I needed to move him to a new school. Have now found one and he starts soon & I think it will be far better. But current school was in such denial, - much like lots of the world when you live with a FW - and I couldn't have faced them, and spoken clearly, and moved him without the sense of you MN EA thread lot out there being clear, behaviour like this isn't acceptable, whether its a FW or cliques of kids. A sense of it never rains but pours, all the rest he has gone through and now this too. Here's to new beginnings.

Tweedle sorry to hear things are feeling so hard. I do think the crying is part of the recovery. We have been numb for so long, and held it in for so long, and it is far healthier for it to come out. I have had 18 months where at times I literally howl, like a werewolf howling at the moon. Have had to make rapid trips to the Ladies at work, so as not to startle the horses.

A very wise woman I spoke with a while ago said I should expect at least 12 months out post-FW, trying to have restful activities which engage all my senses (like a bath with nice aromatherapy and restful music and a candle; or a walk in autumn trees with wind through hair and nice views) before I was likely to feel fully in my body again. Just take it easy. I know it is hard. I feel I do nothing but go to work and do the basics of cooking and kidcare and not much cleaning. But I'm trying to say to myself its not surprising I don't really want to meet friends or go out or DO anything, I need to spend some quality time with myself first, because its been a long while with a FW when really even I wasn't listening to where I was at.

And re the daddy this/daddy that, you might like to make a little FW statue to stick pins into when you lose patience. I did this (out of bread) with a vile boss, and found it very therapeutic. Not exactly high art, but lots of fun.

Pesca Fi thats another one here with a people pleaser who then has scary explosions and withholds emotions/sex. Why would you do that? But I am also realising that my FW saw himself as another kid who needed looking after, rather than one of the parents to do the caring. Saw himself as in competition with the kids, which I think is why things, at least for us, got far harder after the second child.

tweedle (and red?) it sounds like PTSD... I had an initial counselling session a week ago and said that after leaving it is v v common, of course everyone is different but I'm not surprised, please talk to someone if it continues and remind yourself that you've done a good thing for you+the kids, revisit the old threads where you posted about what he was doing just to remind yourself... I do this occasionally and it helps get perspective on things. Also I've been reading L Bancroft book 'Should I stay or should I go?' and it talks about how much underlying anger/sadness there is and how it can come out when you get away from the situation as when you're in it, all your strength and energy is wasted looking after/thinking about FW!