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Original poster

Finding out about dh's past.

28 replies

rattrap · 10/01/2014 14:22

I met and married my dh after we were both divorced. We didnt know each other before our divorces. We met, were together a few years, then married, then had DS. 8 years together in total.

Since having DS, I have found out that he had more than one affair during his first marriage and a ons with a colleague. Including one with a stripper that he met at a lapdancing club.

I know for a fact that I wouldnt have entered a relationship with him had I known all of this at the time, however, I didnt know and and am now married with a child.

It really upsets me that I am with someone that could do this but as he says, it was before he met me and he hasnt cheated on me.

So why does it bother me so much?

OP posts:
NotNewButNameChanged · 10/01/2014 14:31

How has this only just come to light?

Hassled · 10/01/2014 14:34

I can completely see why it bothers you - he has form for being a cheater, and you didn't buy into being married to a cheater.

Was he very young? Was the ex also cheating on him? Are there any exonerating circumstances?

Original poster
rattrap · 10/01/2014 14:36

He says his Ex was cheating on him (I dont know if this is true).

It came out by accident. He told me about a situation that he thought I knew about but I didnt. When i questioned it, it all came out.

OP posts:
Original poster
rattrap · 10/01/2014 14:37

He wasn't very young. Mid 30's.

OP posts:
Hassled · 10/01/2014 14:42

So it doesn't sound like he deliberately deceived you then? Do you think he genuinely thought you knew?

penguinplease · 10/01/2014 14:46

I don't think you should judge him on anything other than how he has behaved with you. We all change/grow up/learn from our mistakes.
I did some pretty awful things when I was younger and I would hate to be judged on them now.

If you love him and he has been true to you then that is all you should care about.

Original poster
rattrap · 10/01/2014 14:53

I don't think that he thought that I knew. He definitely knew that he had slipped up.

I do love him, it just leaving a nagging doubt. I'm possibly also upset by the fact that he took my choice away. I know that doesnt sound reasonable.

OP posts:
Hassled · 10/01/2014 14:55

It does sound reasonable - he did take your choice away, didn't he?

elizadofuckall · 10/01/2014 14:55

I think that it is totally understandable to feel bothered by this. It's a side to him that you don't know, even though you are married to him.

Original poster
rattrap · 10/01/2014 14:57

Yes :(

OP posts:
Leavenheath · 10/01/2014 14:58

If he's trying to advance the 'so what? I'm different now and it was a long time ago' defence, why wasn't he open about it all before?

Two things would help me make my mind up about this if I were in your shoes:

  1. What does he think is a reasonable justification for infidelity?
  2. His views on the sex industry

I don't think it necessarily follows that just because people get older, their views on every issue changes fundamentally, especially as he was in his thirties when this behaviour occurred.

isitnormal · 10/01/2014 15:32

I was unfaithful to my ex who was emotionally neglectful and didn't want to sleep with me from one month to the next.

When I met DP we had a conversation about fidelity and he said he'd never been unfaithful in his life. I came clean and said I had, but explained the reasons why.

I've been 100% faithful to DP and have never even been tempted because he's wonderful person and we're right for each other. He's said that he doesn't doubt my devotion for a second and has absolutely no insecurities that I'll betray him and he's right.

I think if you'd asked your DH outright if he'd been unfaithful in the past and he'd lied you'd have something serious to worry about. However, if it never came up in conversation then perhaps he didn't want to tell you because you might think he'd do the same to you. Cowardly absolutely and I can completely see how you feel he took your choice away, but I don't agree once a cheater always a cheater.

I think the only way forward is evaluate the relationship on what it's like now - do you feel loved, valued, respected?

Leavenheath · 10/01/2014 16:23

You see, I don't get this thing about it being okay as long as he's happy with you and treats you right.

There'll come a day when he's not particularly happy with you. When you're going through a bit of a rough patch. What then?

Just because he treats you well, what about the women in the lapdancing clubs?

Wouldn't it be better if he treated all women well and gave them equal value as human beings?

nickymanchester · 10/01/2014 16:39

Leavenheath

2) His views on the sex industry

What on earth does this have to do with anything in this thread?

Original poster
rattrap · 10/01/2014 16:45

Leavenheath That is the thing that i have a problem with. Since being with me, he says that he does have a different view on the sex industry but what about when he is away with work? (Which he is very often).

How do I know that he wont be thinking the same way as he did before.

He says that it is different with me and that he loves me and would never risk losing me as he knows that I would leave. I find that incredibly hard to believe. He probably said that to his first wife too.

His first wife was, understandably, jealous of him looking at other women and subsequently, when he sees an attractive woman, he will say ' she is a mess' or something similar. I just say to him that this just shows me that he is attracted to her. He just looks sheepish.

Isit I do understand what you are saying, but it really should have come up shouldn't it?

OP posts:
Oblomov · 10/01/2014 16:46

I still don't know how you didn't know about this stuff.
Why didn't you talk about it? I talked to dh about fidelity, affairs, his previous sexual history , when we first knew each other. His friend was unfaithful and thus prompted the conversation. We had already talked about our childhoods, his girlfriends, him going abroad, clubbing. Me travelling.

I find it odd that you didn't have these conversations. Especially eith a divorcee. Why did his marriage breakdown?
What the bloody heck were you taking about , if you weren't talking about these basics?

Original poster
rattrap · 10/01/2014 16:47

Because he was paying for women to do things for/to him Nicky.

I am totally with all women being treated well, not just the wives and mothers.

OP posts:
Original poster
rattrap · 10/01/2014 16:49

Oblomov He told me that his marriage broke down because his wife was unfaithful. He was very upset about it and that was the main focus of the 'infidelity talk'.

I just assumed (wrongly) that he hadnt been.

OP posts:
Oblomov · 10/01/2014 16:53

How indepth was that chat?
Obviously not in depth enough! He has conveniently forgotten to mention something majorly huge, hasn't he?
He had kind of deceived you.

Leavenheath · 10/01/2014 16:59

Yes I agree with you. That's why his views on the sex industry are relevant of course.

He judges women for looking a mess? Sorry, I don't like that either.

I genuinely think that people who think their fidelity is entirely dependent on their feelings for a partner and because they think they'd be left (if found out of course) are at risk of doing it again.

My fidelity, for example, is dependent on me. On my own values and my sense of self-respect. I wouldn't want to hurt my husband or children of course, but really it's about not wanting to lose things about myself that I value, like being generally truthful and honest about my behaviour. I know my self-respect would be eroded if the life I was living turned me into a habitual liar.

Offred · 10/01/2014 17:04

I can sort of imagine being with someone who had used women in the sex industry before they met me but who had identified that this was wrong and why before meeting me.

Same with being unfaithful, doing the work prior to being with me and having self awareness and being open about it would be important. Although with this I'd be worried about him having an issue with reverting to type during periods of stress it being apparently a maladaptive coping mechanism.

I don't think I could stay with someone like your dh who had lied by omission about it and who had been shady and defensive although (probably partially) honest when it came out. Was it a ONS with the stripper or did he pay for sex, were there others?

Oblomov · 10/01/2014 17:06

I agree. My views on fidelity are individual to me. Nothing to do with dh or anyone I have ever dated.
But then I have very strong views on fidelity. I have been criticised before, for claiming that I would never be unfaithful, no matter what.
I suppose fidelity discussions may not have been had by everyone. Till I came in mn, I naïevely thought they were standard.

Offred · 10/01/2014 17:08

And yes choosing to insult a woman's appearance to cover up he finds her attractive is very strange and quite concerning. As is blaming his wife for the breakdown of their marriage. It's an abdication of responsibility really. It's ok to find someone attractive, it's what you choose to do about it that matters, same with discussing past relationship behaviours - ok to have behaved badly but what you have taken/learned from it that counts. Sounds as if he is one of those people who thinks if no-one knows about it it isn't dishonesty...

Leavenheath · 10/01/2014 17:08

I'd feel very deceived as well if he'd done the 'poor me, my wife was unfaithful' act, while omitting his own plural indiscretions.

It's quite a good strategy to hook a woman, the sympathy card. It also probably built in a presumption that he was against infidelity in relationships and that might have been a strong selling point in his favour.

Offred · 10/01/2014 17:09

And as if he feels he has no control over himself or is entitled to be a twat...