Finding out about dh's past.

[rattrap]

I met and married my dh after we were both divorced. We didnt know each other before our divorces. We met, were together a few years, then married, then had DS. 8 years together in total.

Since having DS, I have found out that he had more than one affair during his first marriage and a ons with a colleague. Including one with a stripper that he met at a lapdancing club.

I know for a fact that I wouldnt have entered a relationship with him had I known all of this at the time, however, I didnt know and and am now married with a child.

It really upsets me that I am with someone that could do this but as he says, it was before he met me and he hasnt cheated on me.

So why does it bother me so much?

My fidelity, for example, is dependent on me. On my own values and my sense of self-respect. I wouldn't want to hurt my husband or children of course, but really it's about not wanting to lose things about myself that I value, like being generally truthful and honest about my behaviour.

Exactly that.

It's not that he judges women for looking a mess. He will say it if they look great. It's like a defence thing.

Oblomov It was in depth enough that he should have told me.

It feels like a retrospective red flag.

I think people do change but as someone else said further down, what rarely changes are people's responses to stress/emotionally situations. So you might become a more tolerant and patient person as you get older. But when you get stressed, you are most likely going to react in the same way as you always did. That's just my experience though....

I think he hid this from you. It may not have been for nefarious reasons. He may well be ashamed of it.

FWIW, I would feel exactly the same as you are feeling now. I don't think you can do anything to fix it though. It is what it is and I suppose you have to decide whether you can live with that knowledge.