Am I being a drama queen?

[WhenDidIDisappear]

I don't really know what to say so sorry if this rambles. I really need perspective.

Dh and I have been together 13 years and they have been good to us. We have three dcs (one of mine from a previous marriage) and they are wonderful. We have a nice house in a nice neighbourhood and no real worries.

The problem is that I'm not happy. Infact I'm very sad and I think I need you all to tell me if I'm justified or being a spoilt brat.

It's dh I'm not happy with. It's sort of crept up on me. He generally doesn't notice the stuff I do for our family and home. He puts no value on the fact that it is a full time job looking after the dcs because they want to do so much extracurricular. He puts me down all the time if I disagree with him but always seems to have logic on his side so I have to back down even when instinct tells me it's not right. I can never do the shopping right because I won't have noticed the best deal or I'll have forgotten something. I worry about telling him things he won't like because I'm so sick of him ranting.

God this is petty isn't it? I need to get over myself don't I but it's really hard to know how to start doing better.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

No its not you being petty at all and you are justified in being concerned.

Do you feel like he respects you at all?. the fact that he puts you down all the time is very concerning and would be seen an abusive. My guess too is that he is very plausible to those in the outside world; he does not behave like this to others.

Not petty at all, I can empathise with an awful lot of that!

Have you tried talking and explaining how this makes you feel?

When we are alone (no dcs) we get on very well. I have security and stability for the dcs. He respects what I say about the dcs I think although he "forgets" to act on how he deals with them what I've said doesn't suit him.

You see, he lies to me but I very rarely catch him out. When I do he explodes and makes me feel unsure if I'm right. For example, on Wednesday night he was out and I was in bed when he came home. I pretended to be asleep when he came up because he either rambles on for ages or gets cross about something.

Then, last night he made a comment about having to listen to me snoring when he got in bed the night before. Now, I know I was wide awake and not snoring and I know he went to sleep first. I called him on it and he exploded saying he couldn't believe I was creating a row about snoring and now he might as well go and watch telly as he wouldn't be able to sleep.

This morning he told me we all get confused sometimes when we are half asleep and I must have been mistaken about being awake.

I spent half the night wondering if I should not have said anything at all as it would have been easier. :(

God that wasn't even coherent. Sorry.

Sounds like he is gaslighting you and trying to make you doubt your own self. I would read up on gaslighting (its a tactic often employed by emotional abusers).

So what do you yourself get out of this relationship with him now?. I'm talking in terms of your needs, not security and stability for the DCs.

Melanie I've tried to talk to him but he says I'm being over sensitive and has suggested I might be depressed in the past.

Atilla I will answer that question. I just need to think.

He sounds more awful the more I read about him.

I doubt very much that you are actually as he has described, if anyone has caused you to be depressed or doubt yourself it is actually he.

He puts me down all the time if I disagree with him but always seems to have logic on his side so I have to back down even when instinct tells me it's not right.

Other posters will be along in a minute to minimise and excuse your husband's behaviour, so I'll get in quick.

He is emotionally abusing you. Read 'Why Does He Do That?' by Lundy Bancroft and you will recognise his behaviour.

He is perfectly well aware of what he is doing. None of this is accidental, and none of it is excusable.

Ok. What do I get out of this? He is very clever and knowledgable and really stimulates my brain when we discuss politics, current affairs, religion, feminism etc. It's great when we do that.

No, what emotional needs of yours does he meet?.

Like what?

Does he make you feel loved, supported, encouraged?

What TimeToPassGo wrote.

op, I wanted to write your exact post over the last few months. I think the only difference is that I have 2DC. Please don't feel bad, what you have written us valid and a situation that isn't good.

I have managed to improve things recently. Only today I did the shopping and I'm feeling normally DH does it for the same reasons. The ranting wears you down. I suspect we are both in the same place. We look at our lives and think, 'do I really have anything to complain about?'. 'Maybe it's me?'. I even considered going back on anti depressants, because that must have been what was wrong. It's not and I'm glad I listened to my own instincts! It was him.
I sat DH down and was honest with him. How he is a strong personality and I want us to be equal. I told him I'm tired of everything being a struggle. I too have to explain why I want to do something, if he doesn't think its logical it's obviously wrong. I told him that perhaps I wasn't the right person for him as I can't be totally submissive and do everything his way. If things didn't change then we wouldn't last. He's arrogant and sees the world very black and white but he hates the idea if hurting or upsetting me. He promised to work on things and he has. We aren't as bad as before but there have definitely been some moments. I think fir me if this year doesn't brung huge changes then for my own sanity I would have to leave .

I didn't ask about the shopping bye, I just said that I would do it so he didn't have to after a long day at work. Surprisingly he agreed so that might be worth a try op?

I would definitely try to tell him how you feel as a starting point thought.

What does he say about feminism?

Sorry, I had some messages missing. Just seen the rest of them. It's really not good that he has dismissed your feelings. I can't really offer any other advice, as I'm in the same situation. but you definitely aren't wrong to question your situation.

I think the only reason my DH listened was because he has already lost one marriage due his issues. If you want to pm me feel free to.

Is he genuinely 'clever and knowledgeable' or is that something he wants you to believe?

He sounds more like the pub bore mansplainer type tbh...

I'll try to answer everyone.

Twinklestein he really is knowledgable and clever (as am I). He's definitely not a pub bore.

DogsDontFly he listens but doesn't act on it iyswim. He's good at platitudes.

Leavenheath he doesn't put anyone into gender roles and professionally it's ability not gender that garners respect from him. I would go into more detail but that's not really the point of my post. I've answered because I want you to know with absolute certainty he is not a mysoginistic man.

Time and Attila, it's a double edged sword really. When he puts his mind to it, yes I feel loved, supported, encouraged. It's just that I get the feeling that if I did something he didn't approve of, all that would be withdrawn.

I don't know what to think. I've looked up gaslighting but I'm not sure it's right here. He doesn't tell me I'm crazy.

What is a mainsplainer btw?

Gaslighting isn't just about trying to make people think they are crazy. It's about getting them to believe that things they've seen and/or heard didn't happen. You know you were awake. You know you weren't snoring.

Mansplaining is when a very tedious opinionated man holds forth and proselytises to women about how the world really is. And expects them to nod and say 'Oh yes, of course!' because the Great Mighty Man has spoken.

You can still be a sexist without hating women. If you say he values ability rather than gender, why is he so dismissive of your role in this partnership then?

Does he berate his colleagues all the time for not doing their jobs properly? Does he tell them that no, the fire alarm didn't sound despite everyone else evacuating the building? Does he impress other men with his knowledge about feminism?

Do you work or are you a SAHM?

This makes a difference. Not because it's ok for him to put your down, but because he may feel that the house is your responsibility and not his ( not saying that is the right view.)

Reading between the lines of your posts I'd guess he has a lot of resentment about something- and takes it out on you. he might be resentful about nothing to do with you and the family- maybe he's a grumpy bastard and let's it all out at home.

But he's certainly lashing out in a way and you are bearing the brunt of his unhappiness.

What's his family background like with his parents? Is there a history of only being loved for what you do or achieve- and not for who you are?

I think him dismissing my role is a personal thing not a gender thing. I honestly don't know what he's like with his colleagues. He seems well liked and popular though.

His family are lovely except SIL but she's a law unto herself. My PIL are very accepting and helpful. I know they love all their family unconditionally. I don't think he has issues with them.

He can come across as arrogant but he is incredibly insecure really. It's almost like if things don't go his way, he panics and that comes out as anger.

I think by the fact I'm so willing to defend him that perhaps I am being a bit of a drama queen and a little too sensitive. Maybe I just need a break?

Sorry, just to add, I am mostly a SAHM but it was definitely my choice.

More importantly thank you all so much for your replies. The things you've said, I will definitely be thinking about closely over the next few days. It's a lot to think about.

Abusers of all types are often plausible to those in the outside world and I would put a crisp fiver on it that he does not talk down to them in the ways he does to you. Things do not always go his way at work either but I think he still does not get as angry with them. You have become his emotional punchbag. His love for you is conditional and you may feel that if you put one foot wrong that will be it.

I do wonder why you seem so willing to defend him; that may be because you do not want to admit to your own self that he really is abusive in nature.

Was not really all that surprised to read that your SIL is really a law unto herself. Arrogance and insecurity are very unattractive traits to behold; it is not your fault at all that he is acting this way towards you. Its him at fault here, not you.

He did gaslight you by trying to make you think you were snoring when you knew you were awake.

I agree the reason you're defending is not because you're too sensitive or a 'drama queen' (is that one of his expressions I wonder?) but because you can't yet square these responses with what you've always believed about him.

Reflecting's good. Denial isn't.