Am I being a drama queen?

[WhenDidIDisappear]

I don't really know what to say so sorry if this rambles. I really need perspective.

Dh and I have been together 13 years and they have been good to us. We have three dcs (one of mine from a previous marriage) and they are wonderful. We have a nice house in a nice neighbourhood and no real worries.

The problem is that I'm not happy. Infact I'm very sad and I think I need you all to tell me if I'm justified or being a spoilt brat.

It's dh I'm not happy with. It's sort of crept up on me. He generally doesn't notice the stuff I do for our family and home. He puts no value on the fact that it is a full time job looking after the dcs because they want to do so much extracurricular. He puts me down all the time if I disagree with him but always seems to have logic on his side so I have to back down even when instinct tells me it's not right. I can never do the shopping right because I won't have noticed the best deal or I'll have forgotten something. I worry about telling him things he won't like because I'm so sick of him ranting.

God this is petty isn't it? I need to get over myself don't I but it's really hard to know how to start doing better.

He sounds very much like my XH when I came on here over 2 years ago. Someone asked the pertinent question "what do you get out of this relationship?" and the more I thought about it the more I realised that the only thing he contributed to the family was the money he earned. Everything else he did/said was critical, undermining, avoiding and destructive.

I explained how much his ways had damaged me over the years to the point where I had to think 3 steps ahead like a game of chess. He agreed that is must be exhausting to always be second guessing and concerned about every decision in case I was 'wrong' or there would be consequences.

One of the things that has stood out is that he used to check my shopping receipts to see what I'd bought, query any items that looked expensive (I'm talking anything over £2 here, not mega expensive) and if there was a 3 for 2 or something that had been missed I would have to go back to customer services for a refund. My current DP refers to this as 'the walk of shame!' which is a bit how it felt.

When I mentioned this to the relate counsellor we saw, she suggested that next time he asked to see the receipt just smile sweetly and give him a hug or something instead. WTAF?!

Needless to say, I'd had enough, now much happier, he still contributes financially but I have a new man, am much happier and financially independent. Just retrained in a new job and looking forward to the future.

I'm not saying LTB! but if you do, you'll be fine.

Is it ok to say I'm struggling to respond? I've clicked reply loads only to find such a jumble of thoughts I don't know what to write.

The funny thing is that most people view me as strong and opinionated and a good listener and advice giver and I will certainly fight my corner.

It's just at home I feel like I'm on eggshells and feel like he's always looking over my shoulder iyswim. I don't think it helps that he works from home.

Look at how you live and question why he is always right. Is it really likely you are so forgetful or muddled? Who knew you can't be trusted to go shopping without him nitpicking. He's unlikely to get more easy going as he gets older. It's the sort of one upmanship that destroys confidence and gets you doubting yourself. And if he does that with you imagine how he'll squash the DCs.

It works right up until the partner realises they're not wrong or being over sensitive. Thereafter it is impossible to ignore. A bright companion who is articulate and reads. Lovely but as he's the same person with whom you need to feign sleep to avoid interaction I don't think he's your Knight in Shining Armour is he.

I would hate to share a home in the daytime with my husband, it would not be a recipe for success.

If you read back what you have written, it sounds horrible. There are two possible explanations for this. One is that he is genuinely abusive and really keeping you in your place- you are certainly now too scared to tell him stuff and that is very unhealthy. Another more charitable alternative (not so compatible with this fear) is that he has just got used to being very critical and does this as his usual way of dealing with you- if you think that is the case, you need to be very assertive with him and tell him to butt out of shopping decisions, and let you run your home how you like unless he wants you to come into his office and make helpful suggestions to him all the time on how best to do his work (I actually did this for a while to show my husband how his 'helpful explanations' about how to wash up, stack the dishwasher, cook etc were extremely unhelpful).

I am tending to the first explanation, that he's a bit nasty though, that thing over the snoring is really horrible, why would your partner tell lies to make you feel bad about yourself, and the fact you are pretending to be asleep when he gets in says it all.

I'm afraid intellectual compatibility doesn't really stack up compared to this.

I would say talk with him frankly about how you can't go on, but I just don't see him taking it well or caring enough to change, I think he quite likes you hiding and keeping out of his way.

I think that's one of the most honest responses I've seen on this board, love.

It can be such a shock to see it all written down and how strangers interpret it.

That's why I said reflecting is good. I do think it must take some time for it all to sink in if you started the thread thinking it wasn't as bad as it really is.

He puts me down all the time if I disagree with him but always seems to have logic on his side so I have to back down even when instinct tells me it's not right. I can never do the shopping right because I won't have noticed the best deal or I'll have forgotten something. I worry about telling him things he won't like because I'm so sick of him ranting.

Are any of those things important enough to make you feel this bad? No, they're not.

Just because you don't agree with him doesn't make you wrong, it means that you feel differently about something. It's allowed, in fact it's a GOOD thing to have people thinking differently. That's how inventions are created, problems fixed, by people thinking DIFFERENTLY.

I'll bet he couldn't run your household as well as you do. So what if you didn't notice the best deal. If value for money was the be all and end all nobody would ever have a beer in a pub or eat out. But they do, because there are other things more important sometimes.

I'll bet he couldn't do the shopping as well as you do, because looking for the best deal takes TIME, you have to ignore other jobs while you spend that time looking for that best deal. It can take more money if you have to drive to a different shop, or it can just leave you bloody well exhausted if you have to traipse all over the high street looking for the best deal. People pay for convenience, and getting the best deal isn't always convenient.

He puts me down all the time if I disagree with him but always seems to have logic on his side so I have to back down even when instinct tells me it's not right. I can never do the shopping right because I won't have noticed the best deal or I'll have forgotten something.

Someone who is really clever and confident of their intelligence, doesn't need to put other people down. When you question him he bamboozles you with what he calls 'logic' but is really just manipulation, trickery, deceit. If you think he's wrong then he probably is but he's way too insecure to admit it. And for him it's not about who is genuinely true or false - but about control. As long as he can hoodwink you, and undermine you then he retains that control.

The shopping lark is a power game - if he convinces you that have been stupid by 'missing' something & you need him to go through your list to tell you what's what, then he has the upper hand. He makes himself feel better by making you feel small - indeed his sense of self depends on this.

It sounds like you have invested a great deal in the belief of his knowledge and cleverness. He has convinced you of this. He really needs you to believe that because, he needs to believe about himself. But it's really just an image built on sand and insecurity.

What would happen if he nitpicked over the shopping and you told him you weren't interested or suggested he should do the shopping himself? My dh just wouldn't get a chance to nitpick, I'd just give him a look and walk off. What is it about him that means you listen?

OP: What he's doing is taking away your agency and autonomy. Why the fuck should he care about £2? You're not poor. Why does he have to be right every single time? You're not stupid. And the gaslighting? That's calling you a liar while lying to your face, and in my work milieu would result in instant violence.

Which is of course wrong, but it's also an indicator of how little regard he has for you.

Blimey where d'you work disgrace?

Good morning everyone. I still don't really know what to think.

I keep remembering things he's done that haven't been right. Then I think about my reactions to it. I will challenge him and put my foot down on occasion and it always results in a row. Sometimes I'll just agree because it's easier (but only about small stuff that doesn't matter much).

He has a very aggressive manner a lot of the time. I questioned it once in front of his parents and they agreed with me so I know that bit is true.

I'm not scared of him but I am cautious. It's just so wearing fighting all the time.

He is a good guy a lot of the time. We laugh and talk and a lot of the time we have a real partnership. It's just the little things that are, like pps have said, one upmanship and power trips. I don't know why he has to be like that. I've never given him cause to be so insecure. It just wears you down.

A song by Robbie Williams came on in the car yesterday morning that described how if feel. I think it's what made me start the thread. The lyrics were startling. Lyrics

Not sure this is relevant but having a stay at home partner can strain some relationships, particularly if the one going to work feels guilty about raising the issue.resentment then comes in and manifests itself in some untoward behaviour.

We have talked about it Life about once a year and have both agreed we think one of us should be a SAHP. Dh has a greater earning capacity than me so it makes sense for him to work although I do run the admin and secretarial side of his business so he's not doing it all on his own.

Give him the lyrics and tell him thats how ypu feel!

I'm not sure I could do that willybreeder. I'm not sure I'm up to being belittled again.

He would look at them, deny any issue with himself and then tell me he's sorry I feel that way and then say I should see a councillor or something. :(

He has an aggressive manner.
He lies to you (in the case of telling you he'd been kept awake by your snoring, to make you feel bad - who the fuck does that?)
He gaslights you - would rather make you distrust your own perception of reality than admit he lied.
He explodes when you point out he's in the wrong.
He belittles and does not respect the work you do.
He criticises the most minor of your actions.
He rants so often that you find yourself pretending to be asleep rather than have to talk to him.

You're not a drama queen. He is a very strange man with whom you will never be able to handle differences in an adult and mutually supportive manner. Relationships should not be measured by how well you treat each other when you agree and things are going well, but by how you deal with the trickier times. You are shouted down, lied to, diminished when you disagree with him. How will you ever feel supported in this marriage?

Thanks everyone again for your answers. There is a lot of stuff on here I'm still trying to think through.

But let's assume for a minute that you are all correct. How do I change the situation? He wouldn't go to counselling with me as he doesn't see any problems. Although he has been super nice since I pulled him up on the snoring thing. I called him a bullshitter. I think he knows he got caught out even though he still tried to blame me.