Help please-how can I get DH to learn to drive?

[evelynj]

So, we used to live in a city & he didn't need to. When we had 1st ds he walked 1.5 miles to hospital when I had cs. Now we've moved to small town (my home) in NI & have had 2nd dc-6months. For me, he needs to drive to contribute to running of the household & in case anything ever happens to me that I can't drive. He walks to & from the train station & gets the train to work.

This has been going on for 5 years. He is sensitive & usually shuts down when I bring it up or says 'yes I'll do it soon' or things I'm nagging.

I feel like his mother sometimes & have waves of anger about it all. I have to do all the shopping & running around with kids & suggesting outings etc at weekend as he is not capable of physically taking us anywhere.

I don't know if its laziness or just not caring about my pov why he isn't doing it. I have previously said how important it is to me. He has started several times & then got distracted as instructor moved away, then he was working away for a while. I feel like one day soon I'm going to explode about it as it's something that really pisses me off. He doesn't ever take responsibility for e.g. making a meal, because he can't drive to the shops, (I know all that is an excuse but at least if he could drive I could send him to the shops instead of dragging 2 kids or going on my own in evening).

Both his & my family always go on at me about it (!) as they don't want to ask him. That is really annoying. My brother even won 5 free lessons & passed them on to him. He hasn't used them. I want him to do a 3 day intensive course to get it out if the way. A few months ago he said yes but hasn't done anything. All he had to do was book hols from work-I spoke to the instructor & found out about the available slots for tests.

If we ever got a babysitter & went out for a meal, I could have a drink etc. I don't know what to do, it feels like we're in a festering situation.

I am currently SAHM but will need to start work again soon.

Sorry for rant, advice greatly appreciated

You can lead a horse to water..... but you're not going to get this one behind a wheel because he really doesn't appear to be motivated. If free lessons didn't tempt him you can't even go ahead and book the intensive course because the chances are he'll find some excuse to get out of that as well.

It does sound like there's quite a bit of laziness is at the heart of this. I don't really understand why 'not driving' means he can't cook a meal... my DM only learned to drive at 56 but managed to work FT, cook meals and all kinds of other stuff. She took the bus or walked.

Maybe you set him the challenge of pulling his weight around the house without a car. Take car-driving completely off the table and make him find other solutions. Online grocery shopping springs to mind.

Hmmm. It actually sounds as though you think he's not pulling his weight generally and seeing the non-driving as the biggest irritation of a number of irritations.
Personally, I think it is possible for a couple to function with only one driver, as I'm a non-driver myself (non-negotiable: it's for medical reasons) BUT I am still capable of shopping (bus; home delivery; taxi), and of cooking. If DH wants to drink when we go out we use public transport or get a taxi.
It sounds to me like you need to talk to him about the wider issues.....

Sadly i can't really offer any useful advice but can sympathise as my dp doesn't drive either as he's from london originally and never needed to drive. It is frustrating though being the only one in a relationship who can drive, lile you say you end up being the one who plans things such as days out and shopping. My dp as admitted that driving scares him which is why has has been draggimg his heels in learning how to drive. I've set my dp a deadlune-easter-would that work for you??

I think you need to sratch the surface a bit more - WHY doesn't he want to learn? Is the the scary test? the dangers of being on the road? The responsibility he'd have to take?

This has come up on other threads in AIBU-might be worth checking them out for good ideas. My main tip on the driving front is for him to go for an automatic license, I know two non-drivers who took up driving as adults and really struggled and both did fine with an automatic car. Means you all have to have one if you only have one car, but I've found I like automatics myself and only drive a manual occasionally now.

@Melanie... if he could drive, he'd be expected to actually DO stuff. Brrrr!!!!!

Why did you move to your home town if it is so isolated it requires him to drive?

Could he feel resentful that you have moved him to somewhere where driving is essential, and is being sulky about driving and getting on in general because of this?

I think you have to talk to him, but accept that it is his choice not to drive and you can't change it. I don't drive, I have no desire to learn. Family members have been knocked down and left with disabling injuries, and I would never want to drive because if I did that to another person I couldn't live with myself. Dh is learning tl drive just now, which is his choice, but if he told me I had to learn too I would not take it well, it would come across as very controlling.

You're right. It is used as an excuse-he has said before he'll get a taxi to the shop on his own to do shopping but IMO that's ridiculous.

Perhaps I think that if he drives he'll be more willing to get groceries, take dc places, go on family outings etc, (he's happy staying at home-if it were just up to him it would be like flowers in the attic for the dc:()

I think it's the prime example of taking the choice away for getting stuff done. In my head I can realistically expect him to be in charge of a meal each week if he can go get ingredients, (I'm happy with stick in the oven stuff btw).

Either way, it is the driving that really bugs me as it feels disrespectful that he isn't doing it. There's not much public transport round here for getting around & it is restrictive that he doesn't drive.

Should I allocate him one eve a week for cooking & stop picking him up (2-3 nights per week) from the station-it's only 1.5 miles away.

I guess I do want him to commit to more, e.g. we both want a tidier house but if I suggest a joint ny resolution like clear the living room table every night, his response is 'none of it is mine' (a lot of general house stuff & children stuff & probably a lot of mine, few bits of his-it's a dumping ground basically)

Maybe I remove the table. Don't like it anyway! Any ideas welcome on how to change him ;)

Or should I try to work on not getting annoyed about it anymore? Not sure if this is possibly tbh

He doesn't want to do it and probably won't, no matter what you do.
Therefore you need to sit down and discuss how he is going to manage things if/when you are in a situation when you cannot drive.

If you go out for the evening you will just have to use public transport if you want to drink.

It is massively annoying, but you just have to get him to come up with alternative strategies so that he can pull his weight.

Shop on line - make a list and get him to sit down and do it. He can meal plan and cook quite easily without driving.

Is the driving the only thing you stress about, or is he not pulling his weight generally.

Some people are scared of driving.

He was me after dd was born. It took me until she was 3 (and i was mid thirties!) to finally drive. A lifetime of feeling like a prat for not being able to, having had horrible driving lessons with a creepy instructor and then a family member who terrified me, and the universal truth that the longer you leave something the harder it is to do.

I eventually had to. We moved to a village where I knew noone, DH was doing crazy lunchtime drives to get dd to and from nursery twice a week and I felt like I had to. I hated every lesson, every single minute of every one. But....I passed my test first time, and the moment I got behind that wheel as a non learner and turned the key was one of the best of my life. I still get a little frisson of happiness every time I get in the car and turn the key in the ignition. It has totally transformed my life.

He has to do it for himself. If you can afford it an intensive course could be a good way. Get all the fear over and done within a week or two and then he may be less inclined to give up after a few lessons (as I did over the years before finally sticking to it.)

Good luck, to both of you!

It is possible that there are actually some issues/fear of driving? It's far from uncommon - I have it. I've got through 47 years without ever learning - it puts the fear of God into me. I just don't ever want to be in control of something that can go so fast and cause so much damage - and yes, I know that's completely nuts (oldest DC was in a bad RTA when he was 4 which adds to my neurosis- he's fine now, but it was awful at the time).

So dig a little deeper - he does seem to be putting up a pretty determined resistance to driving, way past the point of ordinary laziness. Is it actually fear?

My dad doesn't drive. I have heard that shortly after he and my mum got married that he did have a provisional liecnce for a little while, but have never heard exactly what happened when he went out in the car with my mum

I suspect he is just no good at it and tbh he and my mum have functioned fine over the past over 40 years without him being able to drive.

Can he ride a bike? He could easily ride to and from the station. Or he could walk. And he should still be taking a full part in the household whether or not he drives a car.

This is not about driving. A man that says 'the mess isn't mine' when asked to clear a table just isn't a team player. He's putting obstacles in the way of anything that would make him able to contribute domestically. Selfish.

Yes, set him the task of cooking dinner twice a week. There's online shopping, taxis, bicycles.... how he achieves it is his decision.

My DH doesn't drive, the idea of it really scares him, but we have excellent public transport where we live and his work is

I actually think you shouldn't have moved somewhere where driving is a necessity if he doesn't drive. You knew when you moved that he didn't really want to learn (if he did, he would have started by now), moved anyway, and now you're complaining that you have to drive him everywhere. I'd have more sympathy maybe if he'd been stupid and lost his license through drink-driving or speeding and you were stuck doing everything, but you knew it would be like this.

You can't make someone drive if they don't want to. I started lessons at 23 and I'm 25 now and I still don't drive. I moved out and couldn't afford the lessons, so I quit. DP doesn't drive either. We therefore live somewhere where we don't need to drive - we do a big supermarket shop every 10-12 days and pay £4 for a taxi home, or do an online shop and pay the equivalent for delivery. Otherwise, it doesn't impact us at all. I'll probably start lessons again when it's needed - when we have DC probably, but again, we live within walking distance of all our local schools and shops and play centres/doctors/hospital, or we can get a bus, so it's not necessary.

I get it must be frustrating, but you can't force him to do it if he doesn't want to. It's not a necessity unless you move or live somewhere with poor public transport.

Oops. Accidental post.

Anyway, I think it's ok not to drive but not ok to not pull his weight in general - either with the shopping or the kids or around the house.

My h doesnt drive either. Makes me mad at times he has a license but is scared behind the wheel. I bought him some refresher lessons once which he did but still wont drive. I'm now back at work and we are splitting our dd's various appts 50:50 which will mean very long bus rides for him to get to and from her sn nursery. It's across town and takes 30-40 mins by car. If that doesn't motivate him I don't know what will. I'm determined to be disciplined and not take over his share because I can drive. I'll report back on progress. I can't fir the life of me understand what the big deal is I've been driving since I was 17. Sure I've had the odd scrape but you just get behind the wheel again - he hyperventilating at very pedestrian. Free drives me insane!

Exactly what Cogito said. He won't suddenly start taking responsibility just because he can drive. Even if you can "send him to the shops" that still means the basic planning work has to be done by you. I don't drive and my partner does, I still manage to plan and cook 5/6 dinners in 7.

I don't drive, DH does. I do 99.9% of the shopping and cooking, I walk to the supermarket twice a week. DH just picks up a sack of spuds from a farm shop and bread as he prefers it from a further away supermarket.

I will defend your DH with suggesting outings, I rarely suggest as I'm not the one who drives so it feels presumptuous to ask him to drive us miles. Especially as most of his job involves driving, he is a regional manager.

If DH says something petty like your does RE the table I remind him that I don't wear his clothes but I still wash them!

I am really scared of driving. I am paranoid I will crash and kill someone. I want to drive badly as being stuck in during the holidays with 4 DC is hellish. DH says we can't afford it now either

Why would you make your doc stand at a bus stop waiting for public transport in the pissing rain and cold just to make your other half learn the drive? Madness.

Op, I think this has more to do with fear than anything else. Getting behind a wheel can be very scary for some people.

Dc not doc.

Although the issues are connected (in that he's using not driving as an excuse not to do other household things) I don't think it is not driving that is stopping him from clearing the table or helping out more with the shopping.

I don't drive - partly because I'd need to get over a fear of driving first (not impossible, but obviously part of the reason its low on my priorities) and partly because we can only afford to run one car, DH can already drive and lessons would be expensive and the insurance would go up.

I am also a SAHM, I use buses to take DS into town, do big shops online, can fetch the odd item from the corner shop or ask DH to bring it on the way home. And not driving isn't the reason the house isn't as tidy as we'd like.

In addition, I've just got myself a second hand bike which I'm going to get serviced and fit with panniers for our stuff/shopping and a child seat so that me and DS have more freedom from the local bus timetable and routes.

Me being able to drive would be nice (I could take DS to activities further afield, relieve DH on longer journeys, he could drink and I could drive, visit places in the week that he's not fussed about etc) because I could sometimes drop DH at the station and use the car during the day, but it isn't essential.

You can't make him learn to drive, and I think it would maybe be unreasonable for you to try to force the issue. But he really should be open with you about why he's reluctant and find other ways of doing his fair share of householdy tasks. I'm sure he could pick up shopping for a meal or two on the way home, at either end of his train route for example. DH often pops into the shops on his way home and he travels the main commute by train.

If the stuff on the table is the kids then he is at least as responsible for clearing it or getting them (if age appropriate) to clear it.

I'm not sure that him cooking once a week under sufferance is a high aim tbh.

at least as responsible as you are for clearing the table*

In terms of not driving, I remember reading about a woman who had learnt to drive later and she said that she had spent her adult life up till then thinking of herself as someone who couldn't (and would never) learn to drive. When she finally learnt to, she was surprised at the realisation that this barrier was in her own mind and invisible to anyone else - no one else thought that she couldn't learn.

But of course that barrier can feel real and solid to the person holding that belief (and can be self-fulfilling). Its something I try and remember in reference to learning to drive.

DH is not a confident swimmer, I'd love him to take some adult lessons and learn to swim. Especially for when our DS gets bigger and isn't just in the toddlery sized pools any more. I like to swim and I know that he can learn. But at the moment he is too nervous and just not interested. I don't think I can force the issue.

Of course DH and I have been open with each other about fear being a factor in my not learning to drive and him not learning to swim. It must be frustrating if your DH keeps saying he's going to and doesn't even when its made easy for him (the free lessons). Either he's scared and doesn't want to admit it, or he just isn't interested and says he will to keep the peace but does nothing about it.

This sounds like my Dh. Tbh I have given up asking now.
DH did drive when he lived in another country (and basically had to) but when he same back he didn't take a British test. (All before I met him). But he just doesn't like driving and I do so I suppose its a case of picking battles.

The bottom line here us that you need to know why he won't learn to drive as you can't persuade him or confront the issue without knowing this.

Did you marry a man who is lazy and selfish? If so, why? If not, why has he become this way?

You need to dig deeper as you have a lit of issues to fix here, not just the lack of driving.