Help please-how can I get DH to learn to drive?

[evelynj]

So, we used to live in a city & he didn't need to. When we had 1st ds he walked 1.5 miles to hospital when I had cs. Now we've moved to small town (my home) in NI & have had 2nd dc-6months. For me, he needs to drive to contribute to running of the household & in case anything ever happens to me that I can't drive. He walks to & from the train station & gets the train to work.

This has been going on for 5 years. He is sensitive & usually shuts down when I bring it up or says 'yes I'll do it soon' or things I'm nagging.

I feel like his mother sometimes & have waves of anger about it all. I have to do all the shopping & running around with kids & suggesting outings etc at weekend as he is not capable of physically taking us anywhere.

I don't know if its laziness or just not caring about my pov why he isn't doing it. I have previously said how important it is to me. He has started several times & then got distracted as instructor moved away, then he was working away for a while. I feel like one day soon I'm going to explode about it as it's something that really pisses me off. He doesn't ever take responsibility for e.g. making a meal, because he can't drive to the shops, (I know all that is an excuse but at least if he could drive I could send him to the shops instead of dragging 2 kids or going on my own in evening).

Both his & my family always go on at me about it (!) as they don't want to ask him. That is really annoying. My brother even won 5 free lessons & passed them on to him. He hasn't used them. I want him to do a 3 day intensive course to get it out if the way. A few months ago he said yes but hasn't done anything. All he had to do was book hols from work-I spoke to the instructor & found out about the available slots for tests.

If we ever got a babysitter & went out for a meal, I could have a drink etc. I don't know what to do, it feels like we're in a festering situation.

I am currently SAHM but will need to start work again soon.

Sorry for rant, advice greatly appreciated

Spend the money that driving lessons would cost on taxis. Walking or public transport has served people well for generations. If you go on a night out don't always be the driver. Some people just aren't cut out for driving. Eyesight or co-ordination problems or panic at traffic? Not phobic to the extent he refuses a lift, I take it.

It doesn't mean he is lazy or selfish about not wanting to learn to drive, unless he thinks he'll avoid cleaning or maintaining the car because once he gets behind the wheel it won't all fall to you.

Otoh no excuse for not taking fair share of drudgery. He can still pull his weight. A black bin bag and everything cleared off the table goes into it and then into a dustbin is pretty motivational when it comes to encouraging people to clear up.

Take care lugging stuff about, it would be a shame if you had a suspected lightly sprained wrist and had to step back from a few chores for a while.

I can't drive. I have a proper actual phobia of driving. Tis about being out of control, similar to my anxiety and based on childhood abuse and abusive relationships I've been in as a teen/adult.

I have had so many lessons and even took a test because I can actually drive but unfortunately I froze in the test and the examiner had to take control of the car. I'm not sure if I will ever get over the phobia enough to pass a test but I have given it a really good try.

I, like others do wonder why you chose to move somewhere so isolated if you knew he didn't drive. It does seem a strange decision.

However it sounds like he had plenty of motivation to do things he wants to do but is lazy otherwise.

I've got four kids, school is around 2 1/2 miles away and we cycle every day. I've taken them on holiday on the train and do 100% of the shopping (online), cooking and cleaning and 98% of the taking the kids to stuff because I'm a single parent! Not driving is not an excuse for not doing anything.

I know my current bf is pissed off with having to drive over to see me all the time but he would have to do that anyway as he's not got dc and I can't go out in the eves. I go to his on the bus or train when I can (usually he doesn't plan things with enough time for me to do that though) and I cycle loads of places.

I don't think his problem is that he doesn't drive basically I think his problem is he is lazy.

You've lived in different places with different transport options, and it doesn't sound like he pulled his weight in any of them. The problem isn't whether or not he can drive, it's whether or not he can be arsed making a greater contribution to the running of your family and home. He clearly thinks earning the money is enough; you clearly think it isn't. (I agree with you, incidentally).

God you lot are understanding...I'd be going fucking mental at him! Presumably he was happy to move rurally, I assume he wasn't railroaded into it? In which case he needs to step up and learn to drive so that he can do his share.

I'd have sympathy if there was a severe phobia but he just sounds like a lazy bastard!

Yes, I didn't mean it was a strange decision for you op but you both, presumably he knew it would be difficult for everyone if he didn't drive and should have been prepared to go the extra mile either by learning to drive or finding ways around not driving that meant he still took responsibility.

Thanks all for the responses, it's much appreciated. I think there is a bit of fear there, he is nervous about new things, like first time he had to change dc1's nappy in hospital & freaked out a bit asking me what to do, (I was still under influence of sedation drugs & laughing saying I didn't know, which didn't help). He quite a nervous passenger too.

Anyway, re the housework, my standards are pretty low but I feel like he could do some other bits-I pretty much do all the admin & deal with paperwork, docs etc for children which I think I would if I wasn't a SAHM. When he does the odd bit he complains about how much of a pain people are about paperwork etc which is true.

I would like some agreed aims re housework & I feel like anything I suggest/request he automatically thinks I'm nagging or having a go & resists. I feel better about doing housework when we're both doing it at the same time as it feels more like teamwork that way. I'm going to suggest 2 sessions of 20 mins per week housework together & see what happens. Will pick my timing on the driving & if I don't think it's going through May end up writing a letter like a 15 year old!

Incidentally, we moved here for a support network & better quality of life for kids to grow up which it is. I never thought he wouldn't drive-will have to ask him if he ever sees himself doing it.

He is generally lovely & considerate. Stressed at work but who isn't. Previous instructors have said he's pretty ready for driving test so I think it's mostly lazy but will check. I have put him on the car insurance as a learner-was going to get us all ready to go to seaside tomorrow & put the L plates on & get myself in the passenger seat but maybe that's too mean?!

I will report back!