Really struggling with ex-mil

[deathbyexile]

Namechanged.

XP and I separated around 7 years ago, we have a 9yo DD. It was not an amicable split and his entire family, especially his dm, made my life rather unbearable. We ended up in Court which resulted in shared care of DD, completely equal, we were both considered to be adequate parents. A couple of years ago, we ended up in Court again - horrible experience which resulted in dd living with me and staying with her dad a couple of nights a week. This obviously didn't go down well with xp and his mother who had made countless referrals to SS about me (all malicious, unfounded and no action taken). However, we had reached the point of being civil, if not friendly, to one another. Until dd returned from a holiday with them. Apparently ex-mil has told her, out of the blue and amongst some other vile stuff, that I didn't want her when she was a baby and that she was taken away from me to live with her dad. It's so untrue and unfair, I feel like banging my head against a wall. I can't confront her because it would make things unpleasant for dd. I don't feel as though I can cope with this crap on and off for the rest of my life. What would you do?

Is there any truth in what she was saying or is it just a barefaced lie?

If the latter, a solicitor's letter referencing parental alienation might shock her into (future) silence.

Say something along the lines of

"Don't worry darling. Sometimes grown ups say silly things when they are upset or angry about something. Take no notice. I have loved you since the very moment you were born and that will never change."

Then give her a bug hug and change the subject.

*big hug

Re-reading your OP, you can and you must confront her. Yes, it may make things uncomfortable for her in the short term - but giving her carte blanche to undermine your DD's relationship with her mother would be far more damaging

i was really depressed when she was younger but it's not true that i didn't want her. I definitely struggled, was in my teens and had zero support from ex or his family. She was certainly never removed from my care.
That's what I have done Gold, i hope to god she knows it.

What a horrid woman she is! Your dd knows she is loved by you

Solicitor?

That's emotional abuse.

You want to make them realise that if they start playing that game, they end up on the road to supervised contact.

I agree with Goldmandra - she is right.

That's what I have done Gold, i hope to god she knows it.

I'm not convinced you need to do any more than that.

If she starts to get worried about it or to not want to go to contact because of it that's different. A solicitor's letter explaining that should deal with it.

You can teach her to say "Please don't say unpleasant things about my Mummy" if she wants to.

In the long run your DD will get wise to her and challenge her or withdraw from her as she sees fit.

She knows you love her. Children know it even if you don't tell them. Don't let it shake your confidence in your relationship with her.

OP how awful. MILs can really surprise you can't they. I agree with the advice on here. I hope the exMIL stops her vile comments.

Thank you for your replies. I've been on various ADs for years now and although they help, things like this make me feel so anxious, since dd told me all this, my head feels like it's going to explode. Trying to rise above it but it makes me feel hopeless!

I think it's significant your DD is 9yo. A child that age can understand that some people are unpleasant and tell deliberate lies to cause trouble. I think that's what you do, therefore. In an age-appropriate way, you tell her to ignore anything grandma says because she's a miserable old woman. I don't think you're going to get very far legally.

What are you anxious about?

Is it that your DD will believe her and be turned against you? I think that's very unlikely as long as you can just brush it off and give her a hug.

Is it that you don't think you can cope long term with the emotional response you have to hearing about these conversations? If it's this you need to stop giving your ex and his family permission to make you miserable. Your ex MIL is trying to upset you. She wants to shake your relationship with your DD. The best revenge is to laugh it off as the ramblings of a bonkers old lady who is bitter about having lost a fight.

Try screaming into a pillow when you're alone in the house or planning a slow painful death for her. I once pictured myself plunging a long metal stake through the heart of someone who had behaved appallingly towards me as I was pumping up an airbed. It was really therapeutic

Have you had any talking therapy while on the ADs?

At the moment, I don't think she can be turned against me, she seems able to brush it off and has said she thinks it's because they don't like me and don't want her to want to live with me (I think she's hit the nail on the head, personally!), I'm pretty sure she'll use it against me when she becomes a stroppy teen though.

It is a lot to do with the fact that I can't cope with the emotional response. Since she told me, I feel sick, shaky, dizzy, etc. I think part of it is associating this sort of behaviour of dd's grandmother with being checked out by social services, going to Court, etc (also suspect ss will be her next step, she's done it so many times). I've never been able to keep calm when it comes to xp and his family, maybe talking therapy is a good idea because I know logically, I should be able to laugh it off by now!

She sounds like a very switched on young lady with a very balanced outlook

Don't worry about her teenage years. Most teens know where the limit lies and tend not to say stuff if they know it will cause real damage most of the time.

Perhaps you could ask your GP to refer you for some CBT to help you manage your response to your ex and his family. Then any malicious referrals to SS won't be so devastating for you.

She sounds an absolute nightmare. I would make it very clear to your daughter that these are wicked things to say and untrue. You can tell her the truth, that you found the early years hard but always wanted her and always loved her. It sounds like SS know this woman well and if your child needs it, you could ask them to confirm what you say.

If possible I would cut contact with her, because between the referring to SS and these thigns she's said she sounds appalling. However, your ex may let your DD see her so it's going to be difficult. Minimum contact possible though.

It's good your daughter has her feet on the ground but these are utterly poisonous and poisoning things to say.

When your DD is 14 or so she can decide for herself if she wants to see her.

Do you have lots of photos of you and your dd over the years ? Get them out and go through them with your daughter and show her that she has always been with you. Get yourself a diary or notebook and every time your daughter tells you anthing like this make a note of it just in case you need it.

Does your dd see her gm when she is with you or with her father? If it is during your time, you can stop that contact she can see dd when it is his time. if she tries to take you to court go armed with your notebook you can prove what an unsuitable person she is to be around your dd.

You can tell her the truth, that you found the early years hard but always wanted her and always loved her.

I wouldn't. Lots of reassurance and laughing off silly GM is what's needed. No need to complicate things by in depth discussions. This isn't the child asking, it's the GM telling lies.

When XP and I were together, I felt like more like a single parent (no disrespect at all to LPs) as he was never there, his top priority seemed to be drugs and DD was the only thing keeping me sane. I wouldn't dream of telling DD any of that but I find myself wincing when she tells me stuff they've said about me, at the sheer injustice of it! I wasn't by any means perfect but she's always been loved and cared for, I've never neglected or abused her, despite what her GM might say and perhaps most importantly, I've grown up.

She sees gm when with her dad so there's very little I can do and she's not 'at risk' so legally, I wouldn't get very far. I don't think any of us are in a position to pay for solicitors and the last time she called ss, they saw it for what it was straightaway. Just so fed up with this constant crap, it's as though she always needs a bit of drama. I think I'll make an appointment with GP, at the very least, it helps to talk to someone who doesn't really know me personally.

'I felt like more like' - dear god, it gets even worse!

I think that keeping a record of these things is a good idea.

Its a good thing that your daughter is sensible, but enough of these sorts of comments can and often do stick. There's not much hits deeper than being told your mother didn't want you. Specially if your ex kind of supports his mother in these comments; I'm guessing your relationship isnt too cordial if you've had to go back to court more than once.

There've been several posters on here who have bitterly, bitterly regretted allowing poisonous grandparents to have contact with their children because the twisted and poisonous comments have changed the children and turned them against the parents. The repeated attempts to set SS on you and lies that SS took her off you as a baby is also a sign she's utterly unscrupulous.

Have you considered contacting Gingerbread and seeing if you can contact other people going through the same thing?

Is that not a form of slander, saying things that are untrue to tarnish your reputation is that not a criminal offence.

Say to her I loved you before you were even born, I loved you when you were still in my tummy and I will love you until the final breath I take. though come the stroppy teenage years you might not always love the things she does but will still love her

You could turn the tables and contact SS on your ex mil for emotional abuse, I mean she is telling your dd untrue things that are very upsetting for her to hear and could potentially in the long term be emotionally damaging. At least if you contact SS about it they will have it on file

Just a note. From what you say, there've been a lot of unjust / untrue things said. it -is- worth telling her what actually happened in each case, if you aren't already. Otherwise she will not know the truth, and your ex- MILs lies can build up into a nasty picture.

Contacting SS yourself does seem a good idea (the same people your MIL contacted), again so that you have a record. And if talkign therapy will help you handle it, then go for it! Do you have any close friends / your own family who you can talk this over with too?

no, we manage the 'businesslike transaction' method when it comes to 'handovers' of DD but we're not friendly and I'm not proud of that. He certainly supports his mother, he has too much to lose by falling out with her even if he didn't.

As far as comments sticking goes, I suppose I'll have to cross that bridge when I come to it, don't want to make a big thing of it to DD because I need her to know these comments are downright silly. I've contacted ss, not to make a referral but to ask for advice on whether I should be concerned about the impact this might have. Obviously, they can't intervene in this case which I already knew but they advised similar things to what some of you have said. I also wanted to be one step ahead, paranoid as that sounds.

I guess the one silver lining of legal aid being cut is that people can't just apply to Court whenever something pisses them off, though for the record, I feel that the cutting of legal aid was a really terrible idea.