I don't know if I love my DH

[Reastie]

I know that's a weird thing to say. I've been wondering over recent months if I actually love DH anymore. Over the past 2 years at least I'd say most months I think about divorce and whether I genuinely love him but not in an I'm going to actually do it way, just in a it goes through my mind as I'm not sure how the relationship is going way.

We have been married nearly 4 years and together about 8/9 years. I'm 32. We have a 2 yo DD. We are both the first partner each other has ever had so nothing to compare it to.

He has anger management issues which upset me (nothing physical towards me but his behaviour bothers me when it does happen. I have posted on here previously about it) but these outbursts are rare. He has IMO a rude way of talking in his tone - it often sounds like he's talking to me like a piece of dirt (he doesn't mean it to come out like this) and doesn't have much sympathy about stuff in general.

Having said that, he is generally wonderful with our DD. When he's in a good mood (he's an old grump alot of the time) he can be good company, but we don't really talk a huge amount as he isn't a big talker. He rarely asks me how my day has been, or remembered appointments/anything going on with me to ask about how it went etc. He's quite almost disabled socially (maybe I'm being harsh...). He was really lovely and caring towards me when we first went out, but now it can be hard to get much physical contact from it unless I initiate it or he wants sex.

He has always said to me that I would leave him rather than the other way around as he thinks I may want more than he is (he's been upfront with this since the beginning actually) and seems happy with things. He doesn't like/want to talk about emotional stuff ever. We also both come from very different backgrounds (me = middle class and him working class) which has lead to an interesting balance of ideas/expectations from life since DD. I find PIL very difficult and this is a pressure on the relationship.

He is fabulous in that he baths DD every evening and looks after her so I can get a bath. He helps put her to bed and gets up with her in the night. He also often gets up with her at week ends so I can have a lie in. I feel in this paragraph that I'm a lazy old woman! He is laid back in general whereas I am uptight and get anxious easily and need down time or I break emotionally.

He works just over 4 days a week and me just under 3. I do all the cooking and 90% of the cleaning/chores/organising of everything etc.

Just now, we went to have a walk in the garden and I pointed out my Great Grandfathers bench we have in the garden might be getting damaged due to lots of rainfall and no guttering on the shed (it's a work in progress). He got disproportionately annoyed and rude and said it felt like I was personally attacking him for not moving it. Now, this is the type of thing HE gets annoyed with ME about getting upset by (ie reading between the lines and taking things as a personal insult when they aren't). Went really huffy and sweary (he knows I hate swearing and does it to upset me when in these moods). I just went back inside and left him to it outside as I don't want to spend time with someone in a mood like that. It upset me though, the way he spoke to me over something so little that I hadn't even meant like how he interpreted, and the fact that he gets annoyed and angry with me when I do such things yet he does it himself. Also when he comes in he will expect everything to be normal, will refuse to talk about it and get annoyed if I do.

I've been thinking since. Do I actually love him. I read a thread about people saying they know their DHs love them because they do this and that and think about this or that and my DH does none of these things. It feels like we are 2 people who are comfortable together and have a child together and can work well together and have sex together but do I love him. I don't know. I would certainly miss an adult in the house to help bring up DD if he didn't live with us. And I would miss his head massages and having someone to talk to when I need to at home. I would miss not having to get up in the night with DD. These are the things I think about when I think of life without him living with us yet the initial thoughts don't include me missing his character or personality or him. Is this normal for a marriage?

"He has anger management issues which upset me "

You mean he's an angry and unpleasant man that deliberately picks fights over trivial matters because he knows it upsets you.... and then criticises you for being upset. That is not normal behaviour in a loving, healthy relationship I'm afraid. If you're thinking about divorce it's because you're married to a bully.

I can relate to this. Most of the time it's OK and you wonder if you're just going mad, but the outbursts, moods and sulks are always round the corner.

He sounds a lot like my STBXH, just a miserable man. He is perfectly OK with how things are because he has no particular desire to be happy.

Some of your OP could be interpreted as being stuck in a rut but the stuff about the anger and outbursts are telling.

Why would you feel like you love a man who talks to you with such disrespect?

No, I'm not married to a bully. I'm married to a man who can't control his emotions when things get tough. Yes, I know this isn't great, but I don't believe that he is a bully. He has anger management issues, yes, they upset me, yes, but as I mentioned it's rare that this is a problem (just upsetting when it does). I think I also mentioned it's never directed at me it's that I find his behaviour upsetting.

Thanks for the comments but I don't want this to become a thing about him being angry. I want it to be objectively do I actually love him, am I in a problem here that I need to sort out or is this normal for most marriages? FWIW If anything I'm the more uptight and controlling one.

Ellie I think because he does talk to me like I'm a piece of dirt in that this is how it comes out to me, but he doesn't intend it to be meant like this. I've always said I don't like his tone and it makes me feel tiny, and he has made a point of saying that it isn't meant like that it's just the way he talks. So I try to look past the tone but have always struggled.

I guess I sort of feel like there are many good things about him. How he helps with DD. He is relatively tidy and does help out with stuff. He will go along with what I'd like to do. And no one is perfect, there are good things and bad about everyone, so if I were with someone else, they will have bad points too so maybe I'm blowing this all out of proportion. I guess in a way I feel like this is the only man I've been with, how do I know if this is a good relationship. The thought of growing old together and spending our retirement together spending lots of time together tbh I don't especially look forward to. Surely if I truly love him I would want to be old and spend winter evenings sitting with a blanket on my legs talking to him about that evenings episode of Marple and putting the world to right and enjoying his company whilst eating a Worthers original or such like?

When I say don't especially look forward to in previous post, I don't mean I'm worried about it, it's just not something that I think I can't wait until DH and I have loads of time together as old people IYKWIM.

You can't change someone else's behaviour choices. If he has anger management issues it is his responsibility to fix them. A loving husband, seeing he was upsetting you, would be appalled by his behaviour enough to seek help. A man that expects you to take the punishment, not be upset and then pretend everything is normal is not going to do that. He doesn't think he has a problem

I'm sure he does have good things about him - as you say, nobody's perfect. But you're upset, under attack and fantasising about life without him.... and I think you're making a big mistake blaming yourself, doubting your judgement and questioning your love

Sorry if it's not what you want to hear.

I think anger issues aside, if someone talks to you in a way you don't like and have asked them to stop, never gives affection unless they want sex, and doesn't empathise with you or seem interested in you then it's no wonder you question your feelings for him.

And no, I'd say this isn't normal. It was normal in mine, but that really wasn't good.

A counsellor summed it up for me, respect and caring are basic fundamentals in a relationship, you shouldn't have to aim for them.

Your relationship sounds similar to mine except we don't have kids. I find it very hard as I have no other relationship to compare it to also.

I end up comparing to my friends relationships (I know you shouldn't do that) but none of them are without their problems either.

You say if you we're to split that you would miss "having someone at home to talk to when I need to"..but then you say you guys don't talk much. (??)
And he won't talk about emotional stuff ever.

Your frustration is evident in your posts. I don't blame you!

Another thing that jumped out at me was you feeling like "a lazy old woman" bc your DP does the night parenting? That's just normal stuff that good dads do! And then you say you do 90% of the housework even though you work 1 day less than him.

He sounds deeply insecure; like he has some deep ishoos that are manifesting in anger and stonewalling. You seem like someone who does need to talk on a more emotional level. I'm assuming he wouldn't be receptive to the idea of counselling?

I would question my happiness too in a relationship like this.

OP, no-one here can possibly tell you if you love him, there's no way to measure it.

"I read a thread about people saying they know their DHs love them because they do this and that and think about this or that and my DH does none of these things."

What would your DH says he does for you? What do you do for your DH?

OP I can't give you a formula for if you love your husband or not but I can tell you how I know I love mine. Its very simple. If somebody else took over all the things he does in our marriage (going out to work, getting up so I can sleep in, being my support when I need him etc.) and he wasn't there anymore I would miss HIM.

When you say he 'often' sounds like he's talking to you 'like a piece of dirt', does he does he do that to everyone?

Given that you would miss a random adult in the house but not him in particular, I would certainly question whether you even like him let alone love him.

Thanks so much for these musings, it helps to see what is 'normal' and expected in a relationship.

Part of me feels like perhaps I could be happier with someone else. But maybe it's the security of what I currently have and the unknown in the future. Maybe I am happy where I am and I just want too much. I know I'm one of those 'the grass is always greener' people - always want more and the best I can be and do. Maybe that's why I'm frustrated as in a way I have high expectations for myself and my relationship which might be unrealistic for anyone.

Twinkle yes he speaks like this to everyone, but when in social situs with people he's not overly familiar with he's a little better in his tone. I certainly think if my Mum heard how he spoke to me sometimes she'd be

Lost that's sort of how I think and tbh I'm not sure 100% I would miss him. I mean, I would, but I think I could get over it, whereas if anything happened to DD my life would be ruined. Maybe that's a normal way to feel, that DC you love far above DHs??????

Suel DH would say that I'm very thoughtful, but I'm alot less thoughtful than I used to be as I sort of feel like what's the point as he never overly gets excited/shows lots of gratitude/emotion. But that's just him, he's not that kind of person. He appreciates it in his head but doesn't say it. And I would love to have more thanks! Perhaps that's selfish of me. I would say DH is very loyal and committed and when the chips are down I do think he does deeply care (and love) me. He just doesn't show it often and doesn't think about that kind of thing.

Popperty yes! You speak alot of interesting things. I do talk emotional things to DH which he is good at listening to. He very rarely asks me questions about that sort of thing though, I have to tell him and then he listens rather than a 2 way conversation. And if it's an emotional discussion about our relationship he finds this very difficult.

It sounds like you don't love him.
Why do you do 90% of the housework when he works only one day more than you?

Hi reastie,

I really identify with a lot you've said here, my dh & I have been together 11 year and were both our first 'proper' relationship so I often feel I don't have anything to compare to.

Neither of us are good at deep conversations, I always wish we could have long drawn out conversations like they seem to in movies etc but it just doesn't work for us.

I also feel similar about the loss of him - it would be strange but tbh I think I would get over it! The loss of ds however gives me the shivers even thinking about!

Probably not much help I'm afraid, but you're not alone.

It's neither high expectations nor unrealistic to want to be treated with respect and courtesy, shown appreciation and to be spoken to in an affectionate manner rather than a 'tone' offensive enough to upset you.... however rarely.

I mean really..... he appreciates it in his head but doesn't show it?

Also you say he's fabulous with your DD - in what sense? Bathing and looking after your own child isn't fabulous in my book, it's just very basic parenting.

Tbh it sounds as if you are talking about a lodger you are not sure if you want to give notice to.

Is there any desire, passion, lust?

If this man were not your DH, and behaved exactly the same way, would you want his as your friend?

Last question, if you dd came to you and said all of this about her DH, what would you advise?

For the sake of comparison, I've been with my dh for 12 years and I love him. I know it because I feel great being around him, he is a lovely kind interesting person who treats me with huge care and respect. I enjoy his company and miss him terribly when he's gone. He's never once said anything unkind to me and I feel relaxed and comfortable in his company. It's just plain nice having him in my life, he makes it better. Crucially I like him and admire him- if we weren't together we would definitely be friends.

cailin he can be much more patient with DD than me. They spend ages doing play dough/painting etc whereas I can find it really tedious . They also invent games together to play. He can be great with her and does more than alot of friends' DHs seem to do, but then he can be short with her and get annoyed when she is naughty. But everyone isn't perfect.

So, I'm not in the best relationship I could be in. Maybe there's someone out there I could love until my heart ached (does that actually exist?) and want to spend every minute with them. Maybe I'd be bitter and lonely. At least where I am I know what I'm in for.

It's certainly giving me lots to think about. There seem to be others in a similar situ.

Oh and he's dead sexy and great in bed :)

You seem to hinge your personal happiness on a partner (this one or some future one) and equate being alone with 'bitter and lonely'. If you've never had the opportunity to experience life as an independent adult your worry is understandable but misplaced. 'It is better to travel solo than badly accompanied'

You have a two year old DD, she is the focus of your worlds, it does take away from the all consuming love that you have someone at the start of a relationship. In your OP i felt you described a good relationship that has some issues that you are on top of. Why do you feel his is rude/arrogant?

Callin, do have your DH read your post.