I know that's a weird thing to say. I've been wondering over recent months if I actually love DH anymore. Over the past 2 years at least I'd say most months I think about divorce and whether I genuinely love him but not in an I'm going to actually do it way, just in a it goes through my mind as I'm not sure how the relationship is going way.
We have been married nearly 4 years and together about 8/9 years. I'm 32. We have a 2 yo DD. We are both the first partner each other has ever had so nothing to compare it to.
He has anger management issues which upset me (nothing physical towards me but his behaviour bothers me when it does happen. I have posted on here previously about it) but these outbursts are rare. He has IMO a rude way of talking in his tone - it often sounds like he's talking to me like a piece of dirt (he doesn't mean it to come out like this) and doesn't have much sympathy about stuff in general.
Having said that, he is generally wonderful with our DD. When he's in a good mood (he's an old grump alot of the time) he can be good company, but we don't really talk a huge amount as he isn't a big talker. He rarely asks me how my day has been, or remembered appointments/anything going on with me to ask about how it went etc. He's quite almost disabled socially (maybe I'm being harsh...). He was really lovely and caring towards me when we first went out, but now it can be hard to get much physical contact from it unless I initiate it or he wants sex.
He has always said to me that I would leave him rather than the other way around as he thinks I may want more than he is (he's been upfront with this since the beginning actually) and seems happy with things. He doesn't like/want to talk about emotional stuff ever. We also both come from very different backgrounds (me = middle class and him working class) which has lead to an interesting balance of ideas/expectations from life since DD. I find PIL very difficult and this is a pressure on the relationship.
He is fabulous in that he baths DD every evening and looks after her so I can get a bath. He helps put her to bed and gets up with her in the night. He also often gets up with her at week ends so I can have a lie in. I feel in this paragraph that I'm a lazy old woman! He is laid back in general whereas I am uptight and get anxious easily and need down time or I break emotionally.
He works just over 4 days a week and me just under 3. I do all the cooking and 90% of the cleaning/chores/organising of everything etc.
Just now, we went to have a walk in the garden and I pointed out my Great Grandfathers bench we have in the garden might be getting damaged due to lots of rainfall and no guttering on the shed (it's a work in progress). He got disproportionately annoyed and rude and said it felt like I was personally attacking him for not moving it. Now, this is the type of thing HE gets annoyed with ME about getting upset by (ie reading between the lines and taking things as a personal insult when they aren't). Went really huffy and sweary (he knows I hate swearing and does it to upset me when in these moods). I just went back inside and left him to it outside as I don't want to spend time with someone in a mood like that. It upset me though, the way he spoke to me over something so little that I hadn't even meant like how he interpreted, and the fact that he gets annoyed and angry with me when I do such things yet he does it himself. Also when he comes in he will expect everything to be normal, will refuse to talk about it and get annoyed if I do.
I've been thinking since. Do I actually love him. I read a thread about people saying they know their DHs love them because they do this and that and think about this or that and my DH does none of these things. It feels like we are 2 people who are comfortable together and have a child together and can work well together and have sex together but do I love him. I don't know. I would certainly miss an adult in the house to help bring up DD if he didn't live with us. And I would miss his head massages and having someone to talk to when I need to at home. I would miss not having to get up in the night with DD. These are the things I think about when I think of life without him living with us yet the initial thoughts don't include me missing his character or personality or him. Is this normal for a marriage?