Last night we had a talk! Boundaries

[jealousrage]

NC for this. Am a regular lurker and fairly non regular poster!
So....bit of back story... I have some isshoos regarding contact with a work colleague of DH.
Just before Xmas I saw something in a text message which have me the rage. This is most unusual for me as I have never been remotely jealous during previous relationships. However, I saw this message by accident(which has been explained as innocent, although I am still fairly hmm about it) but it has prompted some fairly uncomfortable discussions between DH and myself.
It feels to me like this woman is everywhere, on text message, phone calls and social media sites. There is nothing in towards in any of these contacts HOWEVER I am unhappy about it.
So last night we had the boundaries talk. What is Ok and what isn't. Whilst the discussion was prompted by me I was v clear that what we were talking about was relevant to us both. We had to look at it and say "how would you feel if you were doing that with someone other than spouse"
Everything was fine then after going to the loo he comes back all stroppy and tells me that he loves me and wants a long and lasting marriage, if he has to make sacrifices then so be it.
I am a little bemused by this.I have not asked him to do anything that is particularly out of the ordinary I don't think. Just to keep out of work contact to a minimum, to think about how he would feel if I were to do those things with a male work colleague.
Would I have been better off not talking about it and just dealt with my rage alone

Did you specifically mention the colleague in this 'boundaries' talk or was it completely hypothetical? Because if he's talking about making sacrifices, it means he thinks there is something he has to give up.

it was a generalised chat really about hypothetical and real situations. I did mention her specifically but even if I hadn't done he would have understood what/who I was talking about.
I suppose,I am most worried about a possible emotional affair or an inappropriate relationship.
I am not worried about a physical affair (at present) as he had a difficult childhood due to divorce and is adamant he would never do that to our child.

I know exactly what you mean about sounds like he has something to give up. I did ask him about that but he claims he couldn't think of a better word ( he is a bit rubbish at finding the right word sometimes)

I read it as he felt guilty, and the stroppiness was a response to that guilt. Whether it was guilt at the way he made you (OP) feel (i.e. the promtping for the talk in the first place), or whether there was something else he felt guilty for I don't know.

Did he take his phone to the loo?

Of course you did the right thing discussing boundaries. I think couples are quite mad not to.

But it does sound like that conversation may have happened after the horse has bolted, if you've already found something dodgy, he's getting stroppy and is talking about sacrifices.

Did he contact her whilst in the loo? Text her perhaps?

Ask what sacrifices he has to make as its not clear what he's giving up (from his point of view). I can't quite put my finger on it but it seems from your OP that she is on the periphery of your life quite a lot, seems odd.

No you must always communicate with him, there bugger all point in seething & resenting alone while he thinks everything is fine :)

I think he found exactly the right word. Whatever this colleague means to him, he knows it has to stop and fortunately sees that as a sacrifice worth making. I'd take it on face value for now but keep your radar tuned.

x post :)

I wouldn't put any store by his protestations about never being unfaithful because of his own parents' divorce either.

IME the people who say 'never' are always the ones most likely to.

Instead of boundary talks and hypothetical situations, can you not just say what's really on your mind? It's this woman. So something along the lines of ' I'm really unhappy / uneasy about this work colleague, this is why etc etc .. ' and see where that leads?

Unless you're usually jealous or paranoid then I'd listen to your instincts and make him aware exactly why you're upset and bothered

Hmmm smells fishy to me....

I think he feels caught out. Generally if something is suspicious enough to raise those kind of talks then I would say something isn't right.

To quote Yoda "Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering"

You did the right thing by talking to him, sweeping your fears under the carpet it would only built resentment which would ultimately destroy your feelings for him anyway regardless of whether or not he cheats.

FWIW DH and I only really have one rule about boundaries - If you wouldn't do it in front of your partner then you shouldn't be doing it at all.

Can you say what exactly it was you saw in the text that rang alarm bells? Its hard to know without this whether you are being paranoid or whether you have grounds to be suspicious....

I mean, seeing a text saying "see you at work Monday" is very different from seeing a text saying: "I had a great time last night, can't wait to see you Monday..."

My instinct says that your gut instinct is generally right and particularly if you're not generally given to jealousy.

To be fair, it sounds from your DH's response that he recognises he needs to cut back on this contact a bit.

Huffing and his use of sacrifices suggests to me your instinct that something is amiss wasn't wrong. He may have been embarrassed - not saying anything serious had developed, just that he hadn't given any thought to how things might look.

Absolutely agree you should be able to raise it with him - you didn't ambush him at work or make a scene in public.

thank you for your responses!

As I said in my op, we have talked about this woman specifically. they work closely together and there is a fair amount of 'banter' some of which seems to spill over into out of work hours. This was the main part of the uncomfortable conversations. I have seen pictures of them together on nights out (some of which seem far too much close contact for my liking) and that added with the text I saw was what prompted this whole thing in the first place. I don't know this woman yet she helped him pick out a gift for my birthday.
I don't think he contacted her when he went to the loo, I can't recall if he took his phone with him.
I suppose I will just have to be on the look put for other things, I hate feeling like this. I have never cared enough in previous relationships to get jealous and this is a bit of a bolt from the blue

I am another one who thinks he took his phone to text her in the loo.

the original message said "that was a really nice thing to say. I feel the same bestest work buddy" and a bit more about cards and chocs, which I know he bought for his work colleagues.
he claims it was that he said what a good friend she has been in an xmas card

I think you did well. It sounds like you made clear to him that he maybe sleep-walking(?) into something that you are not prepared to put up with (rightly).
It will be interesting to see if he does succeed to wind it back - and that might be why he was feeling so grumpy - or if he pushes it underground.

Don't jump to conclusions. I had a work colleague that I'd met at college, we go for nights out with the other college lot, text each other, play words with friends etc. nothing going on, nothing will. We're just friends. Would you be annoyed if the colleague was a guy? If it's general talk and banter then you're overreacting.

As the others have said, trust your instincts and these are telling you things are not quite right about this friendship. His mention of "sacrifices" is very odd and revealing - as if you are asking him to give up something that he enjoys.

Without evidence that there is something to worry about I would keep a close eye on things. Hopefully the fact that you have talked to him about boundaries will nip things in the bud.

(you may find this quiz useful )

OK. I think her text is inappropriate. Not enough on its own to justify high drama or anything but something you need to make plain crosses a line.

Which you have done and by the sounds of it he seems to accept that he needs to back off a bit, albeit in a coded way.

So far, so good. As others have said, I'd leave it for now and keep a close eye on it. To keep on about this woman once he's basically said he accepted he needed to back off would be counterproductive.

But I would keep an eye on it....

Boundaries are interesting things.

I am a bloke. I have many female friends, some of whom I have known and been very good friends with for 20 years. And before anyone asks, no, I have never slept or kissed any of them (except on the cheek). When I met my last partner - who is now my ex - the first people I introduced her to were two of my female friends. So she knew about them from the get go. After we moved in together, 18 months later, she started making snide comments about them. We socialised all together with their other halves and sometimes I would socialise just with them (just as she socialised with her friends). But she always knew where and when and what.

When one of them split up from their boyfriend, I got her round for lunch to see how she was doing. My partner knew in advance. When she came home from work she said "I don't know why the two of you don't get together. She's very attractive and you get on so well!"

It came out of nowhere. She later dismissed it as a silly joke. But gradually she started saying that I shouldn't spend time with any of my female friends unless she was present or possibly have any contact with some of them at all.

I felt I wasn't trusted. I had given her no cause. But I was also not prepared to simply dump good friends whom I'd known over half my life and been there for me through thick and thin. She gave an ultimatum and I told her where to go.

I don't regret it. I also found out a bit later that SHE had been having coffee with a chap behind my back. Interesting....

NotNew I get where you are coming from. I have had tons of platonic male friends over the years who I have had absolutely no intention of sleeping with. In a strong relationship, both partners should accept friends of both sexes as long as they respect boundaries -- in fact a person who is able to have strong friendships with members of the opposite sex should come highly recommended, in my view.

But it has to be handled in a way that the partner feels s/he is being included in the friendship in an open way. If I were introduced to a female friend of a new partner right from the getgo and my partner continued to socialise with this partner and me I would not have the slightest problem with it.

That doesn't mean that the partners always have to meet the friend together but there does have to be openness.

But the OP has found this woman just cropping up in her DH's work life in a way which suggests that they have an exclusive friendship that is centred on his work and which excludes her, and the suggestion is that the DH spends quite a lot of time with her, at least online if not in rl. It may well be perfectly innocent but the DH hasn't taken the OP's feelings into account and has done little to include her in the friendship.