Depression in a relationship...experiences?

[SlappyQueen]

My loving DH sunk into a deep depression after a long period of stress and overwork and a few weeks ago left me and the kids to go to his parents house. He's been up and down but said that he has felt numb and no love and that the kids irritate him. He's realised he's depressed and is getting treatment..he started ADs and is getting some talk therapy soon and he now says he does love me still but feels distant from his own feelings and wants time alone to recover. I'd really like to hear from anyone with similar experiences if their DP ever "comes back" or if anyone here has had depression or a breakdown and if this has made them feel they didn't love their spouse? I am just hoping my DH comes back to us.

He was a great husband before this all happened. Right now it's like he's a stranger sometimes and all I get is glimpses of the man I married.

I'm the depressive one in our marriage and can so relate to the way that your DH feels. It's the depression that makes him feel like this, never confuse that with who he really is. Meds and therapy should help him feel better in a matter of weeks. Don't give up, he will come back to you. Can you see his therapist for a session to talk about your own experience of his depression and how best to support him?

LL, I have met already with his counsellor and given her brief background. I set up the appointment for him. She seems very good. Being honest, I didn't know he was depressed until after he had left us. He hid it very well, he just said he as tired which fitted with the work pressure and stress he was under. Then it seemed to hit him all at once after we had a bereavement and his working hours increased to the point of him getting only 4 -5 hours sleep a night. He just seemed to snap and became a different person.

Do the meds work? How long does it take?

Does it really make you feel like you don't love your spouse? I am trying to understand it all but it's hard to hear him say these things and although he says he is sure he does still love me he says he doesn't actually feel it.

Meds take 2 - 6 weeks to start working. Also be aware that some people have to try 2 or 3 different meds before finding one that works and doesn't have unbearable side effects.

Have you read Harry Potter or seen the films? JK Rowling based dementors on how she felt when she was depressed. Depression sucks all the ability to feel positive emotions from you. You not only can't feel love, you also believe you are totally unloveable. But love is not just a feeling, it's also a decision. Your hubby still loves you, it's just his emotions that are abnormal. Hard as it may be, don't take it personally.

I think you can come back from this, my husband had something similar but to a lesser extent but the feeling numb, not being engaged in family life and so on. He got better over time, exercise, cutting down work stress all help- and AD's it if is more severe.

This isn't an instant process, but part of planning for the future is to watch out for it happening again- it needn't, or it needn't be so severe if you know about it and can be open if he needs help.

SlappyQueen

Aww, I really feel for you. I know this is a terrible time and things will have seemed to have turned upside down.
There are loads of good things in your post that you may or may not realise though and you should hold on to these good points.

Firstly and most importantly your DH has realised he is depressive and is seeking the correct help.
As has been said before AD's will take sometime, thay are not an overnight cure for this horrible illness.

Secondly, you descibe him affectionatly as 'your loving DH'
He still is, the man you are seeing now is not the man you married. The illness makes him the way he is now. He is still your loving DH inside.

Thirdly, you should be very proud of yourself for seeing his councellor with a view to helping your DH through this dark time.

All the right things are happening!

Experiences;
I lived with my DW for over a year as she gradually declined into depression. It was a horrible time for all of us. Me, DW and our two DC.
She said some horrible things to us, acted very horribly to us. Had no get up and go, was constantly tired, couldn't be bothered to do alot of things.
It drove me to tears to see and live with her like this.
After some gentle persuasion over several months she finally admitted that she was drepressed and this was confirmed by her Dr.
Although reluctant she took the meds and kept up with the prescribed abount and slowly got better and better.
Living with her in the early months it was difficult to see the improvement but that is because we were around her all the time but she did get better, she didn't leave and I now have my loving wife back and the boys have their Mum back.

Good luck SlappyQueen, keep your chin up, your not alone.

Thank you! this was such a relief to read

I am very sad tonight. I sent him a text to see if he was OK and he replied that he was at his brother's watching a film and would be sleeping there tonight.

I am glad he is not alone on the one hand, but can't understand why he would prefer to be there than here, or why he doesn't want to talk to me every day. In 12 years I don't think we ever went a day without talking and he always said he hated nights spent away from me. It's such a rejection and it makes me feel so alone.

I am reading the thread all over again, but it still hurts. I want him so much and he doesn't want me. It's also so strange that he doesn't seem to care at all about how all this makes me feel when he has never been like that before.

It's also strange that I don't know where he is or what he is doing. I know he needs space but this is such a horrible feeling. I'm heartbroken inside. I know I need to be patient, but feel so lost.

He's my other half.

Oh Slappy you poor thing. I've been a depressed DH and it made me just want to hide from everything. Especially DW, because I felt I'd let her down and couldn't face her.

BUT: I was treated, went through therapy (most of it self-directed, because private CBT was unaffordable). I also changed my job and ruthlessly cut out people who dragged me down. Stopping drinking was a massive help: the "reward for the day" pint or half-bottle was turning me into a twat the following day.

Be of good heart, he'll be back.

PS: please be aware that SSRIs will temporarily remove his libido. Can be a bit of a downer.

Who is supporting you ?
He has his family and brother which is good..seek put people to support you.

Hi OP,

God I could write you a novel about this! There is a great book (picture book!) about depression written for people whose partner is depressed... I will try and find the link for you, it's about a blue dog following you around all the time.

I am also the depressive one in my relationship, and god, if I can reassure you of anything, it's that depression absolutely, wholly, completely and unequivocally makes you feel like you don't love your partner. Or your children, your job, your pets, your house, your meals, your hobbies, anything.

It makes me mad that the term depression gets bandied around so flippantly. When you are truly depressed, you are just enveloped in the most horrific and overwhelming cloud of hopelessness. It's so so awful and I know it is equally awful in a different way to my husband as I just detach from him and from life.

Please read about it, and try and be patient. I know it's hard. I always try to say its like a broken leg; depression is a medical issue which takes time to heal. No one should expect you to walk around with a broken leg, and no one should expect you to feel normal or be rational when you are having a depressive episode.

Your husband is doing all te right things, and combining drugs with talk therapy is a great way forward. Drugs take about six weeks to start working, they sometimes make it worse before they start to improve it, and sometimes it does take a few trials of different drugs before a good one is found.

I would recommend regular gentle exercise, no alcohol, and a diet heavy in fish and complex carbohydrates. Also, acupuncture is so, so, so helpful. So is gentle yoga.

Good luck, and I know it's hard to believe, but as much as you must believe this is not you, you must also believe this is not him. Depression is like the cloak of doom!

Ps meant to say- I know it's hard when he seems not to consider your thoughts and feelings. Oddly, he probably thinks that he is doing what is best for you guys by moving out and not subjecting you to himself whilst he is feeling like this.

In a more extreme way, I think this is why some parents and partners commit suicide when severely depressed; they think people will be better off without them. So heartbreaking, and I know how difficult it can be to understand that concept if you've never visited the depression crypt yourself.

He probably also isn't able to feel much at all, to be honest. When I am bad, the best way I can describe how I 'feel' to a non-sufferer is I say it's like a bleak numbness. It's hard to explain, but nothing penetrates- he may be bodily watching a film with his brother, but his brain is inevitably somewhere else entirely... Almost as in a drinker stupor.

I am not trying to scare you; just giving you as honest an insight as I can, havin suffered on and off for years and now having explored the processes more thoroughly now hat I am not suffering anymore.

It's a lifelong battle for some, a short term reaction to too much or others. It sounds like your husband is the latter. Either way, even though it doesn't feel like it right now, he does love you and he cherishes you and he is doing everything he needs to be doing so he can realize that again soon.

Take care, and lots of supportive and lovig energy!!!!

Thank you all again for the personal experiences. They remind me it's real when my mind wanders off to bad places where he just changed into a demon and stopped loving us. Reading from real people who have felt the same make it manageable.

All I wish is that he would let me take care of him. If my DH is is I want to be the one to look after him. Him doing this alone feels so odd.

Don't worry. I have lots of friends and family rallying around me for support. They are all loving him too, although he seems to want to be alone.

I don't sleep very well. I keep waking at 3 or 4 in the morning and can't go back to sleep. The thought of him in any kind of suffering makes me suffer too.

I wish you all knew my DH. Reading a lot of the threads on here remind me of the man he was. A great Dad. The best friend you could ever wish for. Always smiling and always cuddling me. He never had a bad word to say about anyone. We were always laughing and never bickered really. After 12 years together and 9 years of marriage I still couldn't stop kissing him and we still had a great romantic life and felt really lucky. I feel in a way like he's gone and it was just so sudden like he snapped. I am just hoping your stories ring true for us and he's home again.

I know I have to find a way to stop thinking about him so I can stop being so sad and I can get on with the kids and the things I need to do but it's very hard when you love someone so much to accept something like this. I know it could be months and months or even never.

I am reading and learning as much as I can so I can help him best.

It is definitely the type brought on by extreme stress and circumstances as he has always been a very positive thinker (usually the one bringing me up!) and he rarely dwells on anything. I think he just got hit by too much in too short a space of time and it got on top of him and something snapped.

Just wanted to add my support, I suffer from depression and at my lowest it turned me into a monster :( (i became withdrawn, violent and explosive, it was scary) My DP's words to me were "the person that i love has gone" i thnk he felt like he was greiving and the person in front of him was an imposter. It was a dark time. That was 8 years ago - we are still together, it took time but things are good between us now. I still get depression and anxiety, but its under control after lots of counselling and i am on anti-depressants. My libido is fine but it does affect some, it affects everyone differently, just as depression does. Your DH is a lucky man, you clearly adore him - i don't have a crystal ball but with your support he has every chance of recovery - but it will take time and it will be hard x

I can relate to the too much at once, both of my breakdowns were brought on by excesssive stress.

LEM, thanks. That's exactly how I feel. Like I am grieving an the person in front of me is an imposter. Although thankfully there have been times (usually when we are alone for a little bit) when I see the man I loved just as he was. These periods are inevitably followed by a complete withdrawal and it's like riding a roller-coaster. I do adore my DH. I was always aware most people didn't have marriages like us, but it begs the question that he never told me he was feeling like this. He said he wanted to protect me. I feel very guilty for not seeing this was happening to him. With hindsight I was blind....decreased appetite, poor sleeping, tiredness, lack of motivation, irritability with the kids, loss of enjoyment in activities he previously enjoyed. This went on for a few months before he snapped.

To be fair, it probably took your DH a long time to make sense of his feelings and realise he was ill himself. The fact that he has done this and asked for help is huge, men are much worse than women at trying to pretend there isn't a problem. So yes, he probably did want to protect you and he also probably wanted to pretend it wasn't happening. The fact that he has sought help quickly is also good and bodes well for him to make a faster recovery. He needs time and support, but importantly, so do you - it is really hard for the partner, or for anyone who loves someone with depression as it is such an illogical,destructive illness. Please don't be afraid to ask for help yourself because you can't help him if you are exhausted, bewildered and unwell yourself.

God, I really get everything you are saying op.

I thought I snapped once too, sounds like a similar thing. Turns out I only bent, severely :-). This is important as when snapping seems so permanent, and an acute depressive episode like this isn't, however it may seem right now.

Short story for you (well really shortened version). I have always suffered a bit from anxiety and depression, but hadn't had an episode for nearly a decade. Then I was in an abusive relationship which culminated in bein raped by the ex and his friend. Four months after that, my 26 year old brother died suddenly, relapsing on an addiction after being clean for five years. Then I was in an out of hospital with cervical and ovary problems, and then I shattered my finger. I managed to stay reasonably sane throughout all that, with help, and then one day once everything had settled down a bit, I was at a park and saw a young man who looked like my brother. And I lost it. I mean sobbed uncontrollably, hysterically even, somehow made it a close friend who is a GP in the state i was in, got signed off work, then went home and stayed in bed for three weeks. I think i showered once and only ate if food was put in front of me. I am from Canada, but if I had family to stay with,'I would have left my husband for a time and gone to stay with them. Instead I just avoided him physically as emotionally until finally the drugs an therapy started to kick in and I could see the light and start to feel again.

I thought I had snapped. Turns out I had just bent. Really really bent.

But I wasn't broken permanently and neither is your DH. I am back now to myself; a caring, compassionate, fun loving individual who is an amazing wife and friend and colleague. It takes time an patience and it is definitely not a solid climb up or down, but he will be back with you soon enough my sweet.

That story is so sad. I think the circumstances were different but he went through a period of mega stress and the final thing that caused him to snap was a pretty big one. I think he felt like he just had to escape it all. I hope he is really bent.

I am just sitting here crying Grump at reading your posts because it feels permanent to me. It was just a few days ago that he was looking at me with such love on his face and telling me he was happy and now a few days later he's completely pulled away from me. I don't know where he is or what he is doing. I don't know when I will see him again. I know it's selfish, because I know he's ill but I am missing him so much I can't stop crying. I just want to tell him I am sad and get one of those amazing cuddles and he's not there for me. I know that sounds bad but I just really love him and him not being here or even at the end of the phone or a text makes me feel completely lost in the world.

I read all the posts and it makes me feel better that other people tell me it's an illness, but it's so hard to understand. I can't understand why he doesn't miss me or ant to come home. I don't know what I will do if this goes on for months. I don't know what I will do if he never wants to come home.

I've started going mad on myself and wondering if it's not depression and all and he just doesn't love me. I'm just falling apart. Wondering if I am not getting depressed myself. I keep waking at 3am and can't go back to sleep. Stopped eating myself now too and lost 15 kilos since he left. Thanks for all your nice words...I know you have all been through similar experiences and venting here is keeping me sane today.

Hi, OP, sorry you are going through this. I suffer from depression and was untreated for years till I crashed and finally got treatment. The NHS treatment, in terms of psychotherapy, can be woeful depending where you live. So try and find a well connected GP in that area. I ended up going private.
When I was recovering, the things that annoyed me were 'people constantly asking me if I was ok?' And people smothering me. I was very withdrawn but needed time to speak with GP's and therapists. I think as I became more stable I naturally opened up. I think what I appreciated were the people around me that gave me space and time, didn't force me to talk about things. They kept in touch but mainly waited for me to contact them. They kept things normal. Almost ignored it. In the darkest times I wouldn't reply or answer the phone anyway.
I think your contact should be normal. Don't ask:
How is he feeling? We need to talk/ I'm worried about you....stuff like that.
Stick to messages about the kids, that you love him, 'let me know if you want me to bring the kids round anytime?'.....stuff like that.
Good luck and look after yourself

I know that's what he wants and needs Freyalright. It's just not easy to give it. I know I can / will do it. I just wish he was here to hold my hand for the shittest time of my life :(

It's tough. For any other illness you are drawn towards family and friends. However, this illness is of the brain. If the illness is of the bladder, you wouldn't expect to be pissing as normal, but you will be able to think and mentally function normally. With an illness of the brain, you wouldnt expect to be thinking and mentally functioning the same. Unfortunately you fall in love partly with someone's brain, never their bladder.

So it's a it like thinking of him as his brain not working?