Depression in a relationship...experiences?

[SlappyQueen]

My loving DH sunk into a deep depression after a long period of stress and overwork and a few weeks ago left me and the kids to go to his parents house. He's been up and down but said that he has felt numb and no love and that the kids irritate him. He's realised he's depressed and is getting treatment..he started ADs and is getting some talk therapy soon and he now says he does love me still but feels distant from his own feelings and wants time alone to recover. I'd really like to hear from anyone with similar experiences if their DP ever "comes back" or if anyone here has had depression or a breakdown and if this has made them feel they didn't love their spouse? I am just hoping my DH comes back to us.

Or temporarily impaired. Definitely see it as an illness, not him consciously changing. If you break your arm, you can't use it how you used to. You didn't deliberately break it, you don't choose to not use your arm how you used to. But the arm heels overtime. You might have to keep an eye on it in the future, maybe give up golf. But you learn to manage it.

The thing is, all we have is our mind/our consciousness. It is who we are. If you break your arm, you still have that. If you have a mental illness, you impair who you are. You might have both arms working. You see how an illness of the brain would effect someone. Effecting them without choice or conscious decision to be ill, like any other illness

OK, thanks Freyalright...that helps make it a bit easier. Feeling a bit like praying is all I can do right now, so sitting here doing that at a loss for anything else.

I've been where your DP is, I had an episode of severe stress induced depression about 3 years ago. It really does strip everything from you and you feel nothing. For about three weeks I struggled to speak to anyone including DS and DW and wanted to run away and hide - however after ADs and cBT it got better , after about a month I was reasonably functioning having sorted the right ADs for me. After 3 months I was coping well without working and after 6 months I was off the ADs and back to normal. Now three years later I'm sorted and don't take any ADs at all (and i'm back in my stupidly stressful job)

all he'll need from you is to be there for him when he's ready.

Thank you. I'm so glad you're better.

Hi, slappy you are sometimes acutely aware of how distant you have become. But inside yourself, the distance feels physical, not just emotional. You know know how to get back. You may as well be looking across the Arctic, or stuck at the bottom of a very deep well - you can see where you need to be, but have no way of getting there. It feels a very long way away and incredibly hostile.

It's a very odd feeling indeed.

You don't know.

Yes, and it definitely makes you feel like you don't love someone, or anyone, or anything really.

What Folkgirl said. The dissociation is sooo weird. I have had this twice, both brought on by extreme work stress. It's like your ability to connect with people, empathise or feel emotion has been sucked out of you. I disconnected totally with my then DP. He thought I was having an affair. I wasn't, I couldn't feel anything, barely hot or cold even. If your DH is as lovely as you say this is why you are feeling this so acutely. Please try and get some support for you though too and keep posting on here.

It's like feeling that you know with your head that you love your DP but you don't actually feel it.

Thanks again all. Each comment gives a little encouragement. After weeks with this, I have passed over from shock into it seeming more real and it's been worse. I think I will go and see a counsellor myself. I have never felt so low.

These comments all do help a lot and give me some little glimmer of hope that I can get my life back.

Hi op,

Sorry I am a rubbish poster, but I try to come on when I can as am thinking of you!

Reading through the thread since I disappeared last night, I can only reiterate what some wise others have shared. With every other illness, we accept it is the illness disenabling us from feeling and behaving as normal. For some reason, we haven't yet learned as a society to think that way about mental health; because it affects the emotions and the mind, and therefore our ability to interact with someone as normal, we tend to attribute it to the person. Maybe a better analogy is to think of it more like dementia- it is a mental illness which prevents you from being able to be yourself.

They have done loads of research on the brain activity of a depressed person. It may make you feel better to know that during acute periods of depression, parts of the brain actually shut down completely and stop working. They show up as dead air space, so to speak.

It might help to understand medically / biochemically how depression works. I am happy to ramble on about it if you want to pm me, but there are probably much better resources on line with visual aids.

I suppose in the same way a man can never really get whey it is like to have a period cramp, someone who has never suffered from depression can never really get what it's like. In a way, I am so happy you have never been there op, it's a pretty rubbish place to go! On the other hand, I imagine it would be so much easier if you could just get what he is feeling so that you could use that knowledge to heal your hurtin heart!

Agree we a previous poster who said stick to practical stuff and random shit. Having someone care about your emotions can seem smothering when you are feeling so disconnected; distracting things like going to see a film, going bowling, trying to skate, sending him on errands, givin him a reason to get up in the morning (eg, I will come by at two so we can go to the post office) or whatever can really help.

Do remember that every little activity is exhausting to a depressed person. When I was at my worst I asked my husband not to buy lunch food so that I was forced to get dressed and walk down the road to the patisserie. This was often my only activity for the day, and it was enough.

Funny, it's kind of like a nervous breakdown. You just shut down and want to lay on a bed and stare into space! Your daily biological needs become very inconvenient!!!!

That does help. Thank you so much Grump.

After a wonderful weekend, day by day he has slipped further and further away to the point that he's now not contacting me at all I can't bring myself to text or call him just in case he is cold or horrible again because I feel like I can't take any more. I don't know where he is or what he is doing. He doesn't seem to want any contact at all.

I will keep on posting here. It's a little lifeline to remind me that I might have him back one day and that keeps me going for the sake of the kids.

If I think of part of his brain as dead it makes it more easy to accept. All I keep thinking is the racing thoughts "how is he not thinking about me?" "why doesn't he miss me?".

It really is like aliens took him and there's someone else there now.

He hasn't been to therapy yet, which annoys me. I lined it all up and everything, all he had to do was go. He says he is investigating getting it done on his insurance. As if £30 matters at a time like this. I think he is stalling.

It made me feel really devastated that he didn't go because at the weekend he was so positive and promised to help himself so he could come back to me. He promised me he just needed to get better and would be home and with me soon and it makes me so frustrated that he's not gone, especially as I met with her and gave all the background.

It's almost like he's treating me like a stranger instead of his wife. I know he speaks to our friends and his parents. Why not me? it's like I have done something wrong!

I cried for about 6 hours solid today. Last time I did that I was about 15.

And also, the fact that he admits his depression lifts when he's with me makes me feel like it's crazy for him to want to be alone. When he was with me he was smiling, laughing. He as even smiling when he was asleep and he was holding on to me all night...so affectionate just like he used to be. He was able to articulate thoughts and feelings and have long conversations. When he saw me he could not stop smiling.

As soon as he goes away he falls back into this cold / horrible mode.

I kind of want to go to him and insist that he comes away with me...get my folks to stay with the kids...and just force him off somewhere for a few weeks, just us so he can recover properly. I feel like just showing up and telling him he is going.

Is that a wrong idea? Is leaving him to this really the best thing to do?

I don't know OP . You both sound lovely though and I am sure he will be well soon x

The 'I don't know' was in answer to your question btw, not the whole issue. The answer to the whole issue is that he will be fine

Thank you WhoGivesAMonkey. He was always the lovely one x

Hello again!

Right, that book I mentioned earlier is called 'living with a black dog'. Google it and its counterpart, 'I had a black dog'. They both really describe depression and its effect on couples well using simple phrases and pictures. The first time I came across this I remember thinking YES, this is what it's like!!! Right here on this page!!!

Re: your question. That is hard. I would say that is probably not the best idea, simply because you will go away with him with emotions and expectations and reactions, which will put pressure on the weekend (however unintentionally). This may not be ideal for either of you right now, when you are feeling so raw and vulnerable and when he is just not really feeling!

We have focused so much on your husband, we haven't really talked about you! It sounds like you are really hurting and struggling and just don't know which way is up at the minute, and that is just a horrible and sad place to be!

Taking the step to therapy is hard. He will get there though.

My advice to you, and I don't mean this to sound flippant, is to just get on with your life for the moment. Create a schedule which works for you, and your children, and which enables you to get into a safe and comfortable routine. Include your husband minimally in this routine, but don't make it depend on him or centre around him. Maybe arrange times to visit, go for walks, go for a quick bite, then leave it at that and get back to your routine. Imagine he is in hospital and you can only see him during limited visiting hours, and structure your life the same way you would if that were the case.

I think that for the time being, it's important for you to rely heavily on your other support networks that on your husband. They will be in a much better place to listen to you without you worrying that it will make them better or worse, and they will be able to help connect with the pre-depression reality so that you can remember what you are working towards now.

Your husband loves you, I have full faith he is coming back to you, and the best thing you can do for yourself until then is to be strong for yourself and your children, use your love for your family to give you the strength to be their rock at this time, and just keep going forward.

It's not easy but focusing on yourself will probably help him heal quicker; if he knows you are okay, he can just focus on getting himself better...

My guess is that he can't face you as the man he is at the moment. This is a sign he loves you an enormous amount not the opposite. Hope you are ok tonight keep putting one foot in front of the other with practical things and things will get clearer.

Thanks for the great advice. Wise words

Would be good if I could get a little bit of feedback on progress with AD's.

It's been a week now since I saw him, but spoke to him on Skype last night.

The first and second day after he left me he was sobbing, emotional, telling me he loved me. On the second day he also started 20mg Citalopram.

On the third and fourth days he was really wiped by the meds, feeling edgy and strange and he didn't want to talk to anyone at all. I got nice texts but they were not "him" if you know what I mean. All humour gone.

On the fifth and sixth days he says he has stopped crying but feels completely devoid of emotion and mentally confused. He has moved into a short stay apartment on his own which is quite a way away from me, which really hurt me. It feels like he is leaving me permanently??!!!

Talking to him last night was so strange. He looked like different person (stoned) and his voice was monotone. He was calling me by pet names and there was a touch of affection there. He made a few gentle jokes, like asking me to flash him (typical him!) but he didn't stop yawning and he looked so ill and thin.

He said that the weekend with me was emotional and caused him to crash afterwards...like it used up whatever he had and this is why he thinks it's best not to see me for now. I asked him if he wanted to go away with me, just the two of us, to recover, and he said he did in an ideal world but he could not because of responsibilities / work.

I asked him if he wanted me to come and stay with him, just us, no kids so I could look after him and he said he thought he needed to do this alone to come out stronger and it would "complicate things" because he didn't have anything to give me.

It was so horrible. I feel like he is back to feeling like he doesn't love me anymore, but at the same time he seems to realise he can't trust these thoughts anymore so that is progress. Although he was sweet, he was so distant and he just looked awful and it was really hard not to break down.

I can see why he has put off the talk therapy. There is no way this person in this state could have a conversation of any meaning. It just seems to me that when he is with me he is relatively happy and normal and as soon as he leaves off on his own he falls to bits again but he doesn't see it!

Can anyone tell me if the Citalopram will help take way this lack of emotion from him? I know no one has a crystal ball, but I was wondering if anyone has experience.

I have followed all advice and been gently supportive, but I am (If I am honest) beginning to feel the weight of the constant rejection on me and I am getting used the the physical and emotional distance he has put between us. In a way his behaviour is making me feel like I love him less because I am upset and angry that he has left me and does not want me and I don't know how we will ever be normal again.

It's frustrating that we seem to take steps forward and then steps back. I can't understand or seem to accept that he doesn't want me around. I am reading and re-reading the comments but I can't seem to help that it makes me feel like he doesn't love me the same way anymore.

He said to see how we go...I don't know what that is supposed me mean. I can;t even ask him any questions for fear of upsetting him more.

He has handled this all wrong..he should be at home!