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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being too touchy?

46 replies

BadgerBumBag · 08/01/2014 22:29

I am always very confused when dp and I have little bumpy patches and I wanted to briefly run tonight's issue past you all.

I am writing an assignment designed to be read aloud so asked if dp could listen to it to check I have gauged the audience correctly (supposed to be for someone who has no previous knowledge of the subject)

He comes in and stands infront of me. He asks if he needs to sit down and if it will take long. I say it is 600 words so not sure how long it will take to read. He stands infront of me and says 'go on then.'

I start reading and he is standing infront of me, chose not to sit. I stop and say I don't feel comfortable reading it as he doesn't look like he wants to listen (My assumption which annoyed him I think, although I don't think I was completely off the mark based on previous comments re will it take long etc) I hate public speaking and reading out loud so may be a bit touchy on this.

He said fine, and went back to his ipad. I said I would appreciate some interest and he said he wouldn't be able to tell if it was any good anyway to which I replied that was the point - he was supposed to be able to understand all of it as it was aimed at his target group.

I tried to build bridges and asked if he could listen to it, I would come and sit in the living room with him and he said no as he has started a new game on his ipad online so he can't log off. I asked if he was joking and he said no.

Don't feel good about the situation although there is no further friction. Am I being needy in wanting some support and interest? Can't work him or myself out sometimes.

OP posts:
Cranky01 · 08/01/2014 23:17

This sounds very like situations in my house, tbh I would be thinking.. He doesn't want to listen, but is doing so because he feels obliged. He wants you to know he doesn't want to listen but is going you a favour by listening. I.e the standing, how long

Also he knows he'll look like a git if he said no. So has turned it round onto you, and now he can't listen and it's all your fault. ( buy he can use he I pad, which is what he wanted to do in the first place)

But we have problems and you should'nt judge the situation by interpretations

Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 08/01/2014 23:26

Thanks for the response - perfectly summed up! He has subtly grovelled by trying to help me with a tricky maths question... cannot bear the games. I wish he would just be a tosser if he is one instead of making me feel like one.

OP posts:
Cranky01 · 08/01/2014 23:33

Ahhh well there you have the apology without actually getting one, because he couldn't possibly admit he was in the wrong and apologies properly.

It is games and manipulation, it's very subtle, and often you come away feeling very confused as to how and why things happen. I don't know but you end up threading on eggshells just in case.

Cranky01 · 08/01/2014 23:33

Ahhh well there you have the apology without actually getting one, because he couldn't possibly admit he was in the wrong and apologies properly.

It is games and manipulation, it's very subtle, and often you come away feeling very confused as to how and why things happen. I don't know but you end up threading on eggshells just in case.

Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 09/01/2014 01:51

Yes you do - I am at a loss as to how some situations develop so have no idea how to act and react

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 09/01/2014 02:09

He didnt want to listen but stood there "doing the right thing" because you asked him to, whilst unconsciously maybe creating a situation where you didnt want him to listen anymore so he could go back to his games, guilt free.

I would be having words, of the loud and pissed off kind. But I am like that.

Bogeyface · 09/01/2014 02:11

If you are in a relationship where you are at a loss as to how you ended up in a row and in the wrong, and treading on eggshells to avoid the next one, that it is abusive.

Just saying.

JapaneseMargaret · 09/01/2014 02:25

How long have you been with this man? There's something about the tone of your post which suggests not long, but happy to be corrected!

This is a form of passive aggressive behaviour and it is deeply annoying. He technically isn't doing anything wrong, so when you try to call him on it, you're the one who looks unreasonable. This is also why you feel so confused when these little fracas occur.

These sort of interactions lead to the PA person (in this case, your DP) feeling like they've 'won' the battle, but actually, they lead to deeper and deeper resentment which is insidious for a relationship.

JapaneseMargaret · 09/01/2014 02:31

I think what it is about your OP which makes me think it is a new(ish) relationship, is that you seem to be being über-polite with him, and trying to, um, 'handle/manage' him, in such a way as to get him to co-operate with you.

It's the sort of behaviour you employ with someone you either don't know very well - and so can't be yourself around / upfront with - or with someone who's a bit of an arsehole a difficult character with whom you, yes, have to walk on eggshells around.

Would be interesting to know which category he falls into...

Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 09/01/2014 22:00

Been together 6 years, but he isn't always that open and is a big spoilt k suppose. I have written about him before and my confusion and yes I agree, passive aggressive fits perfectly.

How do I fix it? Standing up to it never works. All is ok 99% of the time.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 10/01/2014 00:42

You can't fix it.

You either accept that this is how it is, or you leave.

I am sorry to be so blunt, but thats how it is. You cant change him only he can change him and he doesnt want to.

procrastinatingagain · 10/01/2014 00:53

If he hasn't got the decency to at least be polite and listen to you reading 600 words aloud when he knows you're nervous about public speaking and need to practice, then I don't think you've really got a relationship. That should be the minimum. A decent partner would ask questions and give advice and reassurance too, to.build your confidence and help you to feel better about the situation. Presumably he wants you to feel like shit for some reason?

JapaneseMargaret · 10/01/2014 01:17

Bogey's right, you can't fix it. Because it's not yours to fix; it's his, and he clearly doesn't think there's an issue.

Do you have children with this man...?

Tonandfeather · 10/01/2014 01:45

I'd be so pissed at this. It's horrible publicly speaking to an audience that doesn't want to listen and looks impatient and bored before you've even got going.

What does this relationship give you?

Do you feel cherished and supported in everything you are trying to achieve?

Angstriddenmum · 10/01/2014 02:17

Badger,

My two-penn'orth, for what it's worth.

Something clearly went wrong this PM but we mustn't jump to conclusions. Does this kind of thing happen very often? You say only 1% of the time. Perhaps DH simply had a really cruddy day?

I don't think it's at all reasonable based on your info to deduce that you're in an abusive relationship. I also don't agree with the council of despair that you "accept it or leave". Relationships are difficult and require some hard work at times.

Of course, it's entirely reasonable to expect your DH to listen to you make a short presentation to help you. I am sure we have all had to listen to our DH's rant on about something when we would rather be doing something else. I think, however, it's unreasonable to expect him to necessarily enjoy doing it. He should feel he has to do it because you are important to him. It would also be polite to try to give the appearance of being attentive but I am absolutely certain that my mask has slipped on similar occasions when he has required my attention.

I have been in similar situations and, like you, I have done the repeated questioning, "Are you sure this is OK?", "Are you really, really sure that you don't mind?" etc. In my experience, and having discussed it with DH, this has not been a good strategy. I now try really hard never to ask again. If he has agreed to do something then accept that agreement and let him do it. Deliberately doing it wrong (eg standing up when he should be sitting) is clearly a sign that he doesn't want to do it but don't ask again. If standing up is not a problem then just let him stand. If it is a problem then say, "Please could you sit down because that's how my audience will be and the closer it is to the real thing, the more you're helping me". He may not want to do the thing but he should always want to help you. Of course, if he doesn't then that could be a sign of a more serious problem...

Hope this helps and good luck.

ARM

Logg1e · 10/01/2014 02:24

It sounds like poor communication to me. The wanting partner could say, "I need feedback on me reading out 600 words, when would be a good time tonight?". And if you hadn't done that, the giving partner could just as easily said, "I want to help you and I'm interested in your work but right now I need to recharge my batteries. Can we do it after dinner?".

Would that kind of exchange work in your relationship?

JapaneseMargaret · 10/01/2014 03:39

Relationships are difficult and require some hard work at times.

The same old trope that women have been peddled since time immemorial.

Relationships are not compulsory, you know.

We don't even know if the OP has children. If she doesn't, then all the more reason to encourage her to question what she really wants.

And if it's not this, then that's actually OK.

And relationships that are 'difficult' and 'hard work' should be properly evaluated to check whether they're actually worth the trouble. Because actually, relationships should be mutually satisfying and fulfilling, for the most part.

procrastinatingagain · 10/01/2014 08:09

Completely agree with JapaneseMargaret. You only live once, OP. Is he worth your time?

Lazyjaney · 10/01/2014 08:39

What ARM and Logg1e said - this is hardly LTB territory, more mismatched wishes of what to do with a 1/2 hour of free time.

My impression is he this wasn't ever likely to be just a quick listen as billed, and he just didn't want to go there.

Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 10/01/2014 17:14

Thanks for all replies - will reply properly later Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 10/01/2014 17:16

Oh and we have a dd who he is the best dad to.

OP posts:
Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 10/01/2014 19:41

He is being a right twunt tonight! Again blaming me, me again not sure if I did anything wrong. A lot of it may be me, I don't know.

He booked a plumber for 7:30 when he isn't back until 8, called to tell me, I said its not convenient so he cancelled it and is annoyed. Just a quote type visit which would mean plumber looking all round house which is not tidy and has had a potty training 3 year old in all day. You can imagine. His bug bear is...

A. That he looks like a twat to the plumber
B. that he looked like a twat on the train cancelling the plumber and arguing with me

I was just sitting here happily getting on with getting dd ready for bed when this landed on me.

He has now turned his phone off. Wtf??!!!

I called him on the phone to talk about it but he said he couldn't talk on the train but I said if he just didn't get angry with me he wouldn't look like a twat! It is his choice what people hear

This is not a ltb situation, just a crap patch. He is challenging but does enrich my life 99% of the time. He is like bloody Jekyll and Hyde! These crap patches really take the shine off the rest and make me wonder who he is

OP posts:
Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 10/01/2014 19:41

Logge - yes, we need more of that. I am admittedly crap too and also probably pa

OP posts:
Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 10/01/2014 19:45

Arm - you're right, I need to keep things simpler as does he. Ask once etc

I just know that he will come home and we will fall out and I will get confused and feel crap

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 10/01/2014 19:49

I would be inclined to tell him that the reason he looked like a twat is because he is one, so the way to make sure he doesnt look like a twat is........Wink