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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being too touchy?

46 replies

BadgerBumBag · 08/01/2014 22:29

I am always very confused when dp and I have little bumpy patches and I wanted to briefly run tonight's issue past you all.

I am writing an assignment designed to be read aloud so asked if dp could listen to it to check I have gauged the audience correctly (supposed to be for someone who has no previous knowledge of the subject)

He comes in and stands infront of me. He asks if he needs to sit down and if it will take long. I say it is 600 words so not sure how long it will take to read. He stands infront of me and says 'go on then.'

I start reading and he is standing infront of me, chose not to sit. I stop and say I don't feel comfortable reading it as he doesn't look like he wants to listen (My assumption which annoyed him I think, although I don't think I was completely off the mark based on previous comments re will it take long etc) I hate public speaking and reading out loud so may be a bit touchy on this.

He said fine, and went back to his ipad. I said I would appreciate some interest and he said he wouldn't be able to tell if it was any good anyway to which I replied that was the point - he was supposed to be able to understand all of it as it was aimed at his target group.

I tried to build bridges and asked if he could listen to it, I would come and sit in the living room with him and he said no as he has started a new game on his ipad online so he can't log off. I asked if he was joking and he said no.

Don't feel good about the situation although there is no further friction. Am I being needy in wanting some support and interest? Can't work him or myself out sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 10/01/2014 19:55

Ha ha! I suspect that is what I will say when he gets home

Makes me feel unloved and unimportant Hmm

OP posts:
HarderToKidnap · 10/01/2014 20:04

The plumber thing would annoy me too. So he's been at work today, found a plumber, checked them out, called them to do a visit which they've agreed to, and then you've said no cos the house isn't tidy and he's had to phone to cancel. It can be a right pain to get tradespeople round and we have had about ten visits from them over the last few weeks, it IS annoying and crap but if work needs doing then they need to come round! If I were him I would have cancelled the plumber but then left it to you to find one, check them out and arrange the next visit and arrange the work. It would really piss me off to have to cancel a trades person because the house isn't tidy! I think you were in the wrong there.

WRT the listening to the speech thing, I know I've done this to DH too!n fairness, his speeches are incredibly long and v boring and designed to be listened to by experts in his incredibly boring and niche topic! And I do listen, but sometimes I'm impatient. I love him and support his totally. But sometimes I just don't want to listen. I wouldn't write him off because of that.

Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 10/01/2014 20:07

Yes I know harder, but it's non urgent work and its dds bed time. I know what you're saying though and it's good to get another opinion.

It's just valves and a new boiler in the next 6 months.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 10/01/2014 20:13

Harder so you wouldnt be annoyed that someone made an appointment that they wouldnt be there for, without discussing it with you first?

It would piss me right off, she is his wife not his PA! If he wanted the plumber to visit then, then he should either ask when is good for the OP or make sure he got home in time to do it himself!

yourehavingalaugh · 10/01/2014 20:19

Oh I had one like this. If I asked him do something like you describe he would huff and puff and make it clear that he didn't want to do it then I would feel stupid for asking. But then he was a bully.

Lazyjaney · 10/01/2014 20:22

How is him wanting you to put yourself out for a bit for the plumber any different to you wanting him to put himself out for your speech? And how is your reaction any less petty than his?

Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 10/01/2014 20:23

What annoyed me was that he wouldn't be here and it was dds bed time. Maybe pfb but I wouldn't have been able to talk to the plumber with a tired dd anyway

Oh I don't know, maybe I am unreasonable

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 10/01/2014 20:32

My ex was like this. Note the ex OP. No matter what you do or say he will turn it all around time and time again until you end up with no voice at all.

appletarts · 10/01/2014 20:45

I think you asked him to listen and he did, then you told him how to listen and he thought eff that I've got better things to do than be told to sit down, stand up etc and he went off and did them.

Tinks42 · 10/01/2014 20:51

Maybe you just don't get on anymore?

Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 10/01/2014 21:11

Yes apple you're probably right. I'm studying so hard though and just wanted some interest in what I was doing. I am very academic and he isn't so no common ground at all - suppose I just need to accept his efforts and gnat like attention span

OP posts:
Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 10/01/2014 21:18

Lazy - agree this is petty but when petty is multiplied daily it becomes a big deal and out of proportion. I realise this sounds daft and immature when written down.

I am by no means childish or petty normally, run my own business and studying for a degree, it's just him and that bothers me as the rest of my life is very well emotionally balanced and I get the rest. It makes sense to me.

Also, I'm not sure asking him to get up from the sofa for 5 minutes is the same as me having to deal with a plumber and a tired toddler at critical tantrum time.

Or maybe the above statement illustrates I am a twat too.

Note how conflicted I am! On the one hand why should I play games, but on the other how do I stop the games without becoming a participant in them?

Aarrgghhhhh!

OP posts:
Joysmum · 10/01/2014 21:56

The plumber thing would bother me if I was feeling taken for granted. However, if it happened now we are going through a good patch then I'd fully appreciate how hard it is to get any trades in to quote and realise that if I wanted to be picky about times etc then this would be something I'd need to take responsibility for organising myself.

Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 10/01/2014 22:04

Turns out the thinks it was crossed wires. No idea. Decided to take the calm approach as he clams up if I get cross

OP posts:
Tinks42 · 10/01/2014 22:14

So you aren't allowed to get cross then OP, best not then. Like I said, no voice.

Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 10/01/2014 23:04

Oh yes I'm allowed to get cross, but if I want to get to the bottom of something, stay calm. Otherwise the argument escalates out of all proportion.

He does get defensive though, I hate arguing with him as it just goes round in circles.

God this is impossible.

OP posts:
Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 10/01/2014 23:05

Thanks all, mn really helps me in situations like this, helps me chew it over.

OP posts:
CailinDana · 10/01/2014 23:30

It sounds like you're mismatched and there isn't much kindness between you.

Casmama · 10/01/2014 23:36

I'm sorry but you both sound bloody hard work. Is everything always such a battle between you with him being rude and disinterested and you being precious and needy?

Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 10/01/2014 23:41

We are kind to one another, just not the last 2 evenings it seems!

OP posts:
Original poster
BadgerBumBag · 10/01/2014 23:41

Casmama - why do you think I'm precious and needy?

OP posts:
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