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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New relationship driving myself crazy

37 replies

mrscoleridge · 08/01/2014 18:02

I have been seeing a new guy for about a month and am completely crazy about him.
He is gorgeous, funny, kind, intelligent and so far things have been perfect.
However his previous gf died last April from a heart attack brought on by her alcoholism.
The relationship was supposed to have been casual but hasn't been from the start. He asked me to be exclusive with him after one date and we spent lots of time together over Xmas and new year.
My problem is that I'm stressing that something will go wrong as things just seem so great. I am falling in love with him but am too scared to articulate this. I'm pretty sure he feels same. H texts me all the time to say he misses me when we aren't together. Is this my age? I'm 47 an he's 44. I feel fearful all the time and am worried I'm going to ruin things by constantly worrying

OP posts:

Preciousbane · 08/01/2014 18:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

mrscoleridge · 08/01/2014 18:10

Maybe few times a day.
It's weird though defo a case of love at first sight. Never believed in that before though, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Have more or less spent time together every day for last month so things feel speeded up.
Both of us have been surprised at this but it's so great can't pull away. As soon as I saw him it was like oh there you are finally

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/01/2014 18:11

I think you're right to worry. He sounds far too full-on after just a month

Original poster

mrscoleridge · 08/01/2014 18:11

I'm guessing not many people believe in love at first sight then?

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/01/2014 18:13

Relationships should not be such hard work honestly and it does sound way too intense and full on just a month in.

If it is not right for you then it is not right for you. You do not really know what he is feeling and you're too scared to tell him how you feel (perhaps due to fear of rejection).

It sounds like you could actually be his rebound relationship; he seems not at all ready to be embarking on another relationship so soon after his ex's passing.

Preciousbane · 08/01/2014 18:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AskBasil · 08/01/2014 18:21

wanted exclusivity after One date?

That alone should make you run for the hills

Utterly · 08/01/2014 18:22

It is more likely that you recognise something in him, and he in you, than it is love at first sight. Sorry, sounds potentially disastrous.

Original poster

mrscoleridge · 08/01/2014 18:23

I'm divorced for five years. One significant relationship since which I ended

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/01/2014 18:40

Love at first sight exists but, if you're worried about the strength of your feelings or the speed things are going at, you have to listen to those misgivings. If you think you potentially have your whole lives together, slowing things down a shade and getting to know each other a little better shouldn't spoil anything.... quite the reverse.

simmerdown · 08/01/2014 18:47

Wanted exclusivity after one date

This used to be normal surely? It's only with internet dating that playing the field is the norm, like in the US.

If I start to date someone I expect them to date only me. When I came back to dating (OD) I found that things had changed and indeed you could start a whole thing with someone and assume they weren't seeing anyone else.

Lots of relationships start of in this intensive way. If you're just having fun (i.e. he's not talking about the future in a suffocating way) then I don't think it's in any way bad.

You must get a grip though. The nerves in your tummy are excitement and fear. When I met DH i felt similar, I always thought I must have read it completely wrong and he was going to end it - it took me a while to feel secure even though he did everything right.

Original poster

mrscoleridge · 08/01/2014 18:49

Yes I think so too.
It's just been so powerful it's kind of overwhelmed is and usual rules have gone out of window.
I defo feel we could have a future and we both deserve some happiness as both of us have been through the mill before.
He's a lovely person who has had some bad things happen and I've had a tough divorce and called off a wedding. It feels like it's time really

OP posts:

hugoagogo · 08/01/2014 18:55

It's sensible to be cautious, but things can work out dh and I were similar when we started seeing each other 19 years ago.

What is this 'being exclusive'? So glad I am old.

Slutbucket · 08/01/2014 18:56

There are no rules sometimes you know it's right. Why not see each other each day if you like spending time with each other? Why shouldn't you have a future together? Just go with it and stop thinking about it and enjoy it. I'm a great believer in listening to your gut!

Original poster

mrscoleridge · 08/01/2014 18:58

Thank you for the positive spin slutbucket
That's what I think.
When you know you know

OP posts:

Pheonixisrising · 08/01/2014 18:59

just enjoy it ! who knows how long we will be happy for 20 years or 20 months
just take each day as it comes : ))

MeganBacon · 08/01/2014 19:01

I think you are right to be aware that the ground is shifting beneath your feet and that this could spiral out of control. However, that doesn't mean you are wrong to go with it. Good things and bad things can both start this way. So just try to slow it down a bit and keep your sensible head on, look away from the lust and consider if he's a man you like and respect too.

Original poster

mrscoleridge · 08/01/2014 19:09

I definitely like and respect him a lot too, he's very kind and loving.
I think I'm just waiting to find a flaw that may not exist!!

OP posts:

macygracy · 08/01/2014 19:40

This can happen as has happened to me however just be aware the 'pulling back' stage nearly all men go through a couple months in!

Back2Two · 08/01/2014 19:44

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

SaveMeTheLastGreenTriangle · 08/01/2014 20:21

Was he still with the GF when she died? Has he grieved for her properly? Dating widowers is not easy.

NumanoidNancy · 08/01/2014 20:57

Hey don't worry about it. I met someone recently after doing two years of meh internet dating and similar to you he is younger than me and altogether lovely. Its completely mutual, completely exclusive and we are very very glad that the fluke that led to us going out for a drink together 'casually' has meant so so much more. Nothing wrong with falling in love if it seems equal to both of you. We text eachother loads every day too, i know many people would find that too intense but everyone is different and wants different things in a relationship, if it works for the pair of you then just enjoy it.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 08/01/2014 21:06

My DH told me he loved me after a month. He virtually moved in with me after a few dates and let his house after 4 months and did move in. He proposed to me after 8 weeks and we married after knowing each other 8 months. We have been married eleven and a half years and it's great. It was like we had finally found each other. We will grow old together barring illness etc. I am sure. Prior to meeting him though I was as cynical as hell about stuff like this and I was changing the type I normally go for by even going out with him, so a lesson there perhaps? I don't know but I do think sometimes you do just know but you also have to honestly question how much you trust your instincts/ how many times you have been wrong etc. I used to joke that I had tried everything else so I might as well try marriage and was as flippant as hell tbh but it's worked so far and even if he left me tomorrow I would still probably make a similar post to this as it goes.

Dunwhingin · 08/01/2014 21:10

my dh and I have spoken every single day since we met, 10 years ago, we were living together within 3 months (he moved 300 miles, changed jobs etc)
we knew, the night we met, that we had found who were meant to be with.

with regard to the girlfriend who passed away, he didn't start a relationship with you immediately and most people who lose partners to addiction have probably lost a large part of the person they loved already.

personally I would enjoy what you have, be gentle with his grief and take all the usual precautions in a new relationship - don't give up your support network, don't give up financial independence, protect assets etc (sorry that is terribly un-romantic but practical)

Santaclaws · 08/01/2014 21:15

I really hope it works out for you, I believe it can even though it didn't for me. I met someone who also said he'd fallen for me big time, could see a future with me and was generally besotted with me straight away. He put me on a pedestal, I fell for him big time quite quickly also

Turned out he had not long split from long term girlfriend and I think really although he was infatuated with me ( we saw eachother frequently for 3 months) he had not had time to recover from that relationship so I was a rebound. His infatuation didn't last and I was hurt when it ended

Hopefully yours will be different, I do believe its possible

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