New relationship driving myself crazy

[mrscoleridge]

Hi

I have been seeing a new guy for about a month and am completely crazy about him.
He is gorgeous, funny, kind, intelligent and so far things have been perfect.
However his previous gf died last April from a heart attack brought on by her alcoholism.
The relationship was supposed to have been casual but hasn't been from the start. He asked me to be exclusive with him after one date and we spent lots of time together over Xmas and new year.
My problem is that I'm stressing that something will go wrong as things just seem so great. I am falling in love with him but am too scared to articulate this. I'm pretty sure he feels same. H texts me all the time to say he misses me when we aren't together. Is this my age? I'm 47 an he's 44. I feel fearful all the time and am worried I'm going to ruin things by constantly worrying

It doesn't sound like hard work, just a happy relationship in it's early stages.

You seem aware enough to know if he starts to get controlling, I assume he isn't making noises about marriage or moving in together which would probably be a bit much for me.

DH told me he loved me two weeks in, I took it with a pinch of salt but he was quite clear. I was a cynic though and it took me until about 6 months to be happy nothing odd was going to crop up and it never has.

Sometimes people are lovely and wonderful and just for you. FX this is your situation.

If its going to go wrong it will, so if I was you I would just enjoy it. Keep seeing your friends though and don't isolate yourself.

You can't see the future, so enjoy the present, forget the past as you can't change it.

If you are worried about being hurt, I think that ship has sailed!

Just carry on as you are, mindful of isolating yourself but not deliberating as in playing games, such as pretending you are busy etc.

My wife and I fell in love the first time we met. We are still together 40 years later and as happy as the day we met:)

I do believe in love at first sight. Everyone is different and there are some lovely examples here of instant love lasting.

I think asking for exclusivity is fine, it's an assurance that he doesn't want to date anyone else.

Enjoy the relationship.

Hi

As it happens we had a big heart to heart last night. He talked about his girlfriend that died and actually was in tears for a bit. He said I will need to be patient with him but he has lots of feelings for me too and this is a bit unexpected.
We have agreed that we are boyfriend and girlfriend which makes me happy and of course I am happy to be patient and sensitive of his feelings. He said we were very comfortable very quickly and that this is something that you cant control or predict.
I feel better since we have talked and we are both happy with how things are. No-one can predict the future so I guess I will just have to try and relax and enjoy what is a great relationship. Ideally I think he would have wanted to wait to get serious with someone but that ship has sailed really.

When I met my current girlfriend it was similar in terms of love at first sight. We were moving pretty fast and the feelings were/are amazing. We both admitted that this relationship was different. After a few months things started to simmer down and we are now very happy and moving at a respectable pace lol I would just enjoy it for what it is instead of going over "what ifs".

You only live once, enjoy, have fun

Aw I really hope things work out for you! Lovely to read your story. My exh and I were the same. He moved in with me 2-3 months into the relationship and we went on to have 3 children and get married. Sadly that relationship is over now, but it did last nearly 12 years.

I say enjoy the moment :) It sounds like you're having a lot of fun and as you have also now had a heart to heart, that's even better.

Good luck to you both.

Thank you for the lovely messages
I feel that we are on the same page really and that we are both a bit scared as we have both been hurt lots of times before.
However you have to be in the game to win it!!
I was touched by the way he shared his feelings with me-I just wish I could take all the pain away for him. He feels that her memory will be erased by new memories but I said that actually those memories will always be there even if we create new ones together.
The heart wants what the heart wants as they say.
I dont think I have ever felt like this before though

The only thing that would ring alarm bells for me is that he was in a relationship with someone with such a big problem with alcohol that it killed her. That would make me wonder about his boundaries and general level of mental health (that sounds awful, not sure I can think of a better term). I'm a recovering alky myself, and I know a lot of people with experience from both sides, as it were. And - generalising wildly - healthy people with no codependency issues run a mile from alkies.

And I know you said it's all great, but seriously - I think that a month in, there should be no heart to hearts with tears and warnings to 'be gentle'. You should be having a blast and getting to know each other at this stage.

But I hope I'm wrong! Good luck.

Thank you Dunwhigin for that.
I can never replace what he has lost as I am a different person I know that. I know that he is still grieving really and that it is probably too soon but then it just happened so we just have to go with it I think.
He also had quite a rough childhood and bears the scars from that too.
All I want is to love him and hopefully create a better future than the past

Do you at heart think he is at all ready to embark on another relationship?. He sounds like he is going to be hard going for you because he has not given himself enough time to be on his own to work out what he really wants. It also sounds like he wants someone to look after him.

You are not there to rescue and or save him from himself and his past; you cannot and must not act as either a saviour or rescuer in a relationship because neither approach works.

What Atila says! You can't rescue him or save him from grief. If you google Abel Keogh, he has a website with lots of advice about dating widowers, including how to spot red flags. Good luck, but also be careful.