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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have a difficult relationship with my dad

27 replies

ElvisJesusAndCocaCola · 08/01/2014 09:59

There is a massive history to this all, but have just got off the phone to mum for the first time since we left on NYD. we had stayed for a few days.

Apparently he is really upset/cross with me because I didn't go up to say goodbye to him before we went home.

He suffers from depression and other things and had stayed in bed so we didn't see him at all that day. That is quite normal and tbh honest I didn't think much of it, but apparently it makes me ungrateful and selfish (mum didn't say that this time but I know it's what he's thinking) and of course makes him the wronged party.

He is quite able to go to the pub and act normal, even if he doesn't feel great, in front of friends, but not able to get up to say goodbye to me, DH and DCs, which is of course my fault.

DH is livid. Mum is caught in the middle. I feel dreadful and have been crying, I'm in my late 30s ffs - am I always going to feel like this?

There is so much more to say but I don't have the energy :( any ideas how I can cope with this kind of situation?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/01/2014 10:37

Has this depression been officially diagnosed and does he receive treatment? Because it seems very convenient that he can split his time between acting normally at the pub and languishing in his bed as it suit thinking that gives him the right to make everyone else's life a misery.

If he's ill and his condition is deteriorating he needs to go back to the GP and not bully the family. If he's just a bully using depression as an excuse then he's emotionally abusive. I think your DH has seen through him quite honestly.

Original poster
ElvisJesusAndCocaCola · 08/01/2014 10:50

Thanks cogito.

God yes, years ago. He wallows, though, and it suits him to have a label and a reason to watch tv and stay in bed for hours when he wants to. I don't think he wants to get better, he regularly self-medicated, thinks he is dying. But if he ate a bit better (not five bits of white toast and butter mid-morning) he would feel better, I'm surely but he just can't.

I agree with everything you've said. But it will never change. I just need to not let it get to me :(

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/01/2014 10:53

Elvis... I'm very sorry that you're upset. I don't actually have a comparable situation with you as I don't see my dad anymore. He was never a good dad to his four children, let my mum do everything including earn all the family money. They divorced when I was 17 (I'm 44 now) and have only seen him a few times. He's never really been interested and he decided last year that if his children didn't make more effort then he wasn't going to contact them.

That actually made me feel really bad and cry. He's in poor health of his own making and he's never given any thought to any of our family's health, just lurching from any woman he can marry to the next one so he doesn't have to look after himself.

What I'm saying, in a long-winded maybe-irrelevant way is that you must divest yourself of this feeling of responsibility you have. You may be in your 30s but as far as your relationship with your dad is concerned, you are the child and your dad should behave accordingly, supporting you and not pushing your buttons. I think Cogito is right and your husband is also right. I think your dad will quite happily not take responsibility for himself if he's allowed to do that.

IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 08/01/2014 10:55

Some parents can reduce their kids to tears at any age ... don't worry about it. All you should need to do is give a simple apology, "Sorry if my leaving without saying goodbye upset you, you were in bed and I didn't want to disturb you". If he can't accept that and move on and wants to make a protracted emotional drama about it then that's his problem.

From what you have posted he sounds like a selfish, self-absorbed knob. There is nothing you can do to change him but you can change yourself and how you interact and respond to him and this will help;

As starter, if you haven't read it, I would recommend buying a copy of "They F**k You Up: How to Survive Family Life" by Oliver James. It has helped me to understand my own "difficult" parent and how to recover from or cope better with some of the neuroses that were handed down to me.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/01/2014 11:00

" I don't think he wants to get better"

Of course he doesn't, bullies never do. If he had genuine health problems he'd be at the doctor asking for help. He has your DM running around after him and everyone else frightened to say anything and, all the time, there he is in the middle acting like some bed-bound deity everyone has to pay homage to. It's vile behaviour. Does he have a job? On benefits?

You can't save your DM I don't think. But you can refuse to be bullied and for that you'll have to dry your tears, recruit your DH and stand up to the miserable bugger.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/01/2014 11:48

Can I just say, as someone who suffers from depression, that it is perfectly possible to be clinically depressed, and yet to 'act normally' with other people. People with depression can be very good indeed at putting on a mask of normality with people outside their immediate family and closest friends - I have a friend who also has depression, and no-one except her husband, her son, her sister, and a couple of friends, knows that she has depression - that is how good the mask can be.

Many people with depression are scared to tell people that they suffer from depression, because they fear being judged and are afraid of the stigma of mental illness - this is something I have heard over and over again, as I have talked to people who suffer from depression (I am open about my condition to everyone, so have these conversations a lot).

I am NOT saying that this is what is happening with ElvisJesus' dad - but I would really hate people to go away from this thread with the impression that anyone who can put on a good face in public, must be making up the fact that they are depressed.

I would also say that I am aware that my reactions to other people are my responsibility, and it is very wrong indeed for her dad to put her mum in the middle of this nastiness with ElvisJesus, and to say the things he has said. If he does have depression, he needs to learn to take responsibility for the way he feels and reacts to things.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/01/2014 11:58

No-one's making judgements about depression in a general sense SDTG. We're judging the circumstances on the face value of what has been described i.e a bed bound bully upsetting and terrifying their family

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/01/2014 12:38

No-one should use depression (or any other illness) to bully their family, and given what the OP has said, that's what is happening here. But it is possible, if you have depression, to act normally with other people, but not manage to get out of bed to say goodbye to family - people with depression are far more likely to put on the 'mask' for people outside their immediate family, and then let the mask down at home, because they feel they can trust their family to love them anyway, and not judge them for doing what they need to do to look after themselves.

But that should NOT include taking your moods out on your nearest and dearest, nor should it include making your partner act as the messenger whilst you do so. Absolutely not. That is what I meant when I said he should take responsibility for how he feels. He might genuinely be upset that the OP didn't say goodbye to him - but he has to deal with that feeling himself, and has no right to use it to hurt the OP, or any other member of his family.

Original poster
ElvisJesusAndCocaCola · 08/01/2014 12:54

Thanks everyone - on phone so will answer each post separately.

Lying, you are right about responsibility. I called mum his enabler once ( had read too much on mn that day :) ) and he wasn't impressed.

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Original poster
ElvisJesusAndCocaCola · 08/01/2014 12:55

Irish, I am definitely going to download that book, thanks for the recommendation.

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Original poster
ElvisJesusAndCocaCola · 08/01/2014 12:58

Cogito, interestingly you couldn't be further from the truth with your guesses (not trying to be rude, because I genuinely do find it interesting).

He is not formally educated but high achieving - plenty of money, astute investments, retired v early when I was a teenager, forced through ill health. Currently does lots of volunteering. Has a strong work ethic born of lower middle class roots and lots of tragedy in his early life. I can see where a lot of it comes from...but I am the child and he is the parent :(

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Original poster
ElvisJesusAndCocaCola · 08/01/2014 13:01

SDTG I totally get what you are saying, and agree to a large extent, but it is so hard watching my mum drive herself into the ground pysically and emotionally to maintain a lifestyle he thinks they should have, while he doesn't help her because he can't. To be fair to him, he doesn't openly moan very often and is very generous with his time to people worse off, but it doesn't feel like enough :(

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Original poster
ElvisJesusAndCocaCola · 08/01/2014 13:03

I really have no problem with him staying in bed. Too many days of my younger life were spent dreading his moods or just anticipating stress and finding that stressful myself - looking back I can see that I suffered from anxiety through my teenage years. I have beer thought of myself as a mentally strong person - perhaps that comes from continually being told I am 'too sensitive'.

I do have a problem with it when the effects of his staying bed become my responsibility and my fault.

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Original poster
ElvisJesusAndCocaCola · 08/01/2014 13:05

Staying in bed.

Thank you for all your comments. It helps to talk about it, as my DSis is much more like him than I and I have already got cross with my mum today :(

A paranoid part of me is already worrying that someone will have found this thread and dad will know. I sound like a fucking teenager :(

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Original poster
ElvisJesusAndCocaCola · 08/01/2014 13:06

Staying in bed.

Thank you for all your comments. It helps to talk about it, as my DSis is much more like him than I and I have already got cross with my mum today :(

A paranoid part of me is already worrying that someone will have found this thread and dad will know. I sound like a fucking teenager :(

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LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/01/2014 13:10

Elvis... there are worse things that could happen other than that he has the bald 'truth' from strangers who care that you're feeling the way you do. I doubt though that he'd recognise himself in these postings because self-absorbed people never quite see themselves as they are.

Original poster
ElvisJesusAndCocaCola · 08/01/2014 13:17

It would completely end our relationship thigh. And he will never change :(

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Original poster
ElvisJesusAndCocaCola · 08/01/2014 13:17

Though...

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/01/2014 13:47

I wasn't guessing, just asking and trying to get a more complete picture. Volunteering is interesting. Some do it for altruistic reasons of course but others use it as a front to mask some really nasty behaviour.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/01/2014 13:49

Unless he has form for cutting contact with people who displease him, chances are he wouldn't end the relationship if he found you here. Bullies like to keep victims close where they can be useful. But the fact that you think he would just adds to the other fears that prevent you from telling him to take a hike...

Original poster
ElvisJesusAndCocaCola · 08/01/2014 15:57

You are so right: if we didn't speak I would feel like it was all my fault.

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SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/01/2014 16:59

If he decides not to speak to you, that is his choice, and it would not, repeat not be your fault. And if he tried to make out it was your fault, he would be WRONG!

Original poster
ElvisJesusAndCocaCola · 09/01/2014 05:30

Thanks.

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LineRunner · 09/01/2014 06:35

I'm interested in your mum's role in all this (from personal experience). Why did she feel the need to tell you your father had a nark on, when there was nothing you could do about it, it wasn't your fault, and she must have known it would upset you?

Original poster
ElvisJesusAndCocaCola · 09/01/2014 19:14

That's what I asked. Apparently she was warning me so that if he was off with me when I next spoke I would know why...

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