Does it matter to you how much your partner earns?

[brusslesprout]

Not wanting to start a debate or anything like that just a general musing really if this is a really important factor for everyone?

I wonder when looking at the bigger picture does it make the relationship better/easier?

My bf doesn't earn much which bothers me a little sometimes but on the same merit has no debts or bad spending habits as he's always had to be careful.

Growing up my Dad had quite a well paid job but isn't too good with money so still is in a lot of debt when he should be relaxing into retirement.

So yes does it matter in the grand scheme of things?

It is only when women (and men) stop downplaying the importance of the traditionally female roles in life that feminism will really have achieved anything.

Our worth is not dictated by how well we do in a traditionally male job role and it is certainly not dictated by how much we earn by working for someone else.

This thread is deeply sad.

Gecko, This thread is deeply sad.

I agree with what you say in that post. However, I also don't think that women saying, "I look for a man who earns enough to keep me so that I don't have to work because I don't want to work" is exactly helping feminism.

Also, I don't think the thread question was ever about how families share income and share child rearing. It was more about "would you go out with someone who doesn't earn a lot of money" in my interpretation.

No gecko, what's sad is the gender pay gap and how few women earn high wages.

And how very few men choose to be the parent who is PT or doing family work at home.

I think it's not so much about acknowledging the importance of domestic responsibilities and then continuing to leave them to women, as acknowledging them and then men stepping up to the plate and doing their share.

I think both are sad tbh. There is no reason why caring roles should be seen as 'female' but I think given that the workplace does not accommodate childcare responsibilities and that it is mostly women who have to make sacrifices one way or the other when they have children this devaluing of what has always been and in reality still is caring and domestic work which women are responsible for is not a step forward for women or for children.

We are expected to worship at the altar of paid employment whilst are children are farmed out to institutions at an ever increasingly young age. Now there's no reason at all why it is women who should care for children but I think young children benefit from a home environment with care from their parents, older children need their parents to be available.

British workplaces and the culture of work does not allow this yet is willing to punish parents for not being adequately available - in my local authority they fine parents for not keeping children who have been suspended at home.

There is an awful lot more to human relationships ( or should be) than "paying your way". Outsourcing absolutely everything (and hence needing to pay for absolutely everything) is not a better way to live...

But neither is fetishising the domestic sphere; or, indeed, the couple/family relationship above everything else.

I think that the couple/family is the base unit of human society and that it should be prioritised.

Logg1e how is it helping feminism though if you have posters, and in Noddys case repeatedly, demanding of people on here that they justify their day like some miserly Victorian husband before handing over money - or not - to his deserving wife?

How is it helping feminism to say "ok, lovey, you've popped your babies out, now they are 5 it's off to work with you". We don't care if you want to or not. And it is regardless of whether you, the DW wants this, the DH wants this, or whether it is much better for your family situation if one parent stays at home.

I may return to some from of part time work. I cant work full time because although i have teens i still need to do a train station drop off twice a day, and as we have dogs i couldn't leave them more than one full day a week, and even that would be too much in one go ideally. Financially I don't need to earn money. DH has no intention of cutting down or stopping his job. I would earn peanuts in comparison.

And Noddy I don't feel the need to justify to you how I spend my day. Only for you to gleefully type "well those of us who work fit all that in around our work".

I am busy. My alarm goes off at 6.15 and I don't stop until I flop down at 6.00 in the evening. Then there is supper to make. Running a large house with two adults, three teens, two dogs and a three acre garden is time consuming. I do see a lot of friends for lunches, coffees, and if I'm at home my day is punctuated by several MN sessions. I might work. I doubt it though.

I can't see how demanding all women work, regardless of their wants and needs, is helping feminism.

"I can't believe you don't see feeding the children, keeping house and organising everything as 'paying your way"

But those are things you just do as a parent and adult. Its not rocket science and given the number of people who manage to do that and work its hardly taxing.

As for "he has far more to lose than me as i'd take the children and house from him" well, words fail me. How awful to put so much financial pressure on a person and then have that hanging over them too.

Romance is dead it would seem. How sad so many women judge their future partner on how much they earn and what lifestyle it would give them. Women will never be equal in the workplace given so many actually dont want to work in the first place as they believe they have the right not too.

"if only I didn't still want to know what all of these StayAtHomeMoms do all day with their school-aged children in full time education"

It's a total grind, from the coffee morning to afternoon tennis lessons - no let up, you know. Work is so easy, compared to that

(More seriously, the main problem, as a poster above noted, is primary school kids and their hours. The cost of sorting out care in the hours when you work full time and they aren't in full time education can be very high vs income earned. My solution was an au pair, they are not that costly but you do need an extra room in the house)

Yes I cared about my husbands earning potential, yes we worked together on making sure one of us had really secure career prospects. He was certainly not (and is still not) well off when we got together but he will be trained soon and that is something that we both decided was important to both of us.

Whether we choose to accept it or not, women carry the children and feed them (biologically speaking) it was important for me to know that while I nurtured and grew my children, that I was going to be supported equally. I would consider it unequal if I were doing all that work and he was not contributing to the home adequately also.

Of course men are not going to jump at the chance to be SAHP (whether they want to be or not) when we have a capitalist society informing us that our entire worth is based on what job we do and not only that but WE judge ourselves on what job we do.

Of course it is not helping feminism to demean the traditionally female roles so that they are considered worthless. How that is doing anything but reinforcing the patriarchal gender stereotypes is beyond me.

Expecting men to slip seamlessly into traditionally feminine roles when all we do is judge them as worthless is a bit shortsighted.

How about we view both roles as worthwhile, regardless of whether they are paid money to be achieved, then we will see what the natural percentage of PEOPLE who want to perform either or role would be.

i don't mean pay your way just in terms of being a parent.Children grow up and i mean asa bigger picture.I am freelance so essentially at home a lot and alwys have been I was not asking what you do to say I do it and work but just as in how do you fill those hours. I just think if you hand over your earning capacity it can bite you on teh bum later. Am seeing it with several friends atm. One man in particular who has plenty of £ is moving heaven and earth to leave her with nothing

Gecko, we worked together on making sure one of us had really secure career prospects.

This scares me, but only because I've seen too many women support their husband's career and sacrifice their own for home and children because that was the arrangement only for them to be left high and dry when the relationship breaks down around the age of forty - children well on their way to independence, hard work done and the man's career reaping the benefits... and the woman left with?

What i mean i suppose is i think its very important to be a stan alone individual in every way so that you are prepared for anything. The best and closest relationships break down and the nicest of husbands can turn overnight

agree logg i am 48 and know several atm in that scenario and ALL without exception stayed at home and lovely OHs.Seriously it is not a way to live indefinteily unless you are v wealthy independently.

I know lots of men who get to see their kids once a week and pay out thousands a year in CSA while their ex is supported by another man or by the state and has a much, much better life than them!

There are issues on BOTH SIDES, I married my husband because I knew that it was the best protection I could have if the worst happened.

Anything we build during our marriage, the home we buy and the savings will be split if we divorce. This 'left with nothing' stuff is rare, not nearly as common as a man having to play a minor role in their own childs life.

I know which side of the coin I would prefer to be on

It isn't rare nowadays at all.

Well the law acknowledges the career sacrifice a woman has to make so it shouldnt be common at all.

Just like a decent bloke being unable to see his kids or have joint custody shouldnt be common.

I am not saying there are not issues on both sides but by continuing the status quo of childcare and housekeeping being 'worthless' jobs we are not changing any of that. In fact we are making it worse.

Regarding the playing a part in the children's lives, in the examples I'm thinking off the top of my head, the children have mostly, or nearly, left home for work and university.

Gecko they aren't 'jobs'

Me too loggle. My ds is at university so am at that stage. Not everyone has a house to split etc etc.