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Original poster

Does it matter to you how much your partner earns?

766 replies

brusslesprout · 07/01/2014 23:52

Not wanting to start a debate or anything like that just a general musing really if this is a really important factor for everyone?

I wonder when looking at the bigger picture does it make the relationship better/easier?

My bf doesn't earn much which bothers me a little sometimes but on the same merit has no debts or bad spending habits as he's always had to be careful.

Growing up my Dad had quite a well paid job but isn't too good with money so still is in a lot of debt when he should be relaxing into retirement.

So yes does it matter in the grand scheme of things?

OP posts:
MoJangled · 09/01/2014 21:24

Have just read the whole thread with great interest.

It seems to me that, the more freedom an individual has (in terms of choice over work), and the more general agreement in the partnership over work ethics, child care etc, the less it matters to the posters whether their partner earns more or not. This seems to be equally true for those who earn loads with a SAHP and those who are the SAHP and those who share earning and home-making.

Flip side, those with less choice over work, and a less close values match with their DP, feel more strongly about it, again from all ends of the spectrum from those who can't work hating their dependence to those who feel trapped as the breadwinner.

So OP (if you're still reading) I'd say if you're unhappy about the amount your bf earns, then it's a problem for you, in this relationship, at this time, and you're entitled to have ishoos with it based on values, choice and shared responsibilities. NB that doesn't mean telling him he has to earn more, but it does mean deciding for yourself whether this relationship is for you.

Doesn't have to be a political standpoint though, which there has been a tendency to make it into.

NearTheWindmill · 09/01/2014 21:27

I don't know what Bonsoir does all day either. I might live in England but I also have two well cared for DC, a home in France Shock, with attendant lettings to manage, have renovated our forever London over the last 12 months (in my spare time) and have now started on our old London home. I have five hours pw of cleaning and ironing outsourced, obviously builders always.

At the risk of a flaming my renovations on our new home have resulted in a capital gain of nearly £500k (in my spare time!!!) And with a favourable market - hence why DH bought me a project sight unseen [cough]. It's not a year I want to repeat but I told DH I was having a bloody good coat and pair of boots with no questions asked Shock.

Puddles1234 · 09/01/2014 21:56

NearTheWindmill In response to your earlier post in which you though it was 'sad' I have never worked at 26, that's your opinion and I beg to differ. I have the freedom in which I can go on holiday anytime I wish without the ties of a job and I have the freedom to do what I want, when I want. Also the Duchess of Cambridge has hardly had what I would call a career she worked for her parents company. I could do that if I wished. Would that constitute a career in your eyes? As it certainly doesn't to me.

I applaud any woman that does it all Children, Career and Social life. I just choose not to have the Career but have the rest.

NearTheWindmill · 09/01/2014 22:17

That sounds terribly defensive. I hope you have a very fulfilling and rewarding life.

I might just say that if you haven't tried it you don't know if you woulkd like it. Rather like the sort of people who hate "forrin food" when obnly meat and two veg have passed their lips.

Puddles1234 · 09/01/2014 22:46

Not defensive in the slightest. However I find it exasperating when people judge someone else's lifestyle choices.

People's circumstances are different I don't need a career, I don't need my husbands money but most people need one or both. Choosing to not work is not a passionless existence it's a choice that you make when considering your circumstances. Apologies if I come off defensive I just find the venom with regards to not having a career ridiculous.

NearTheWindmill · 09/01/2014 23:03

Neither do I dear girl but it often helps to heed experienced advice.

Logg1e · 10/01/2014 02:04

I think it's sad all of the things you've missed puddle - that first brown wage envelope at 15, buying something with money you've earned, especially a present for a loved one, camaraderie and battles with colleagues, interview stress for your dream job and interview success...

I don't know. I guess financial independence is such an important thing to me.

Kiwiinkits · 10/01/2014 02:45

I like it that my DH is a high earner. I also like it that I am also a high earner and if he left me, I'd easily have enough to support myself and our children.

That said it would have been a massive turn off for me if he earned less than me when I met him. It is repulsive to me to admit that but it is the truth.

Rosencrantz · 10/01/2014 04:03

Puddles Please don't think me rude, I am genuinely interested in your situation and may consider it for myself one day. But please may I ask you a question?

If your DH attacked you tomorrow, and you couldn't possibly stay for a second longer for fear of your safety, do you have enough money to get out of that house, travel to safety, and support yourself until you rebuild?

Rosencrantz · 10/01/2014 04:03

(This is what I fear the most, and why I currently make sure I have my own money)

Rosencrantz · 10/01/2014 04:14

Nevermind Puddles, I have just read that you come from inherited wealth, so you are not working due to your ability to rely on family money, rather than your partners income.

Not a situation many women have, so you understand why people are so zealous about providing for one's self?

Lweji · 10/01/2014 07:31

Quite frankly, in Puddles situation I very much doubt that I'd work, although I would probably be involved in some kind of voluntary work.

She has her own source of income, independent of her partner.

It's people who have to rely on their partner's income that I don't understand. Unless they don't work specifically because of the children and would be financially worse off by working.
And again, if it doesn't make sense to have a very low wage and the husband is a very high earner, why not do some voluntary work?

NearTheWindmill · 10/01/2014 08:10

My children will have inherited wealth but I still expect them to work.

Lweji · 10/01/2014 08:41

It depends.

They should not count on an inheritance. And some people may want to increase the wealth or particularly like certain paid activities.

In any case, it could be argued that people with independent means would be taking someone else's job if they work. :)

hercules1 · 10/01/2014 08:58

Financial independence is very important to me. I earn quite a bit more than dh but both us of could financially manage fine independently. Sorry, puddles, your life sounds wonderful but I don't think I would find any fulfillment or real meaning to it. I like that I fund my mortgage, childrens' food etc. I like having a career through which I make a difference.
I've had a job of some sort since starting at 11 with a paper round so not working is alien.
I am sure I would feel differently if I has massive amounts of family money and rich dh but I'll never know.

Dh is a fantastic father and we have an equal relationship and life. He is Aldo my best friend. These things are why I love him; money is unimportant.
However, what is important to me is an equal match in terms of values and intelligence. I feel great pity for women who have ended up with a child for a husband. Money wouldn't make that ok.

KouignAmann · 10/01/2014 09:01

I love my job which is very well paid and part time so I have time for fun as well. DC are all grown up now!
My DP hated his job which was long hours and long commute and not highly paid. I have encouraged him to retire early and run his own business with me as an insurance. So far it is a huge success. He is relaxed and happy and catching up on the backlog of home maintenance and his business is making him very happy spending his days doing what he loves with his friends!
It's not about the money once you have enough to live on. It's about enjoying your life and reaching your potential. That's why I would worry about Puddles if she was my DD.

hercules1 · 10/01/2014 09:02

Sorry, money is important. Between us we need to earn enough to
pay the bills. Both of us work to do this. I am not sure I would respect dh if he chose not to work through laziness and wanting to be looked after. That's where shared values comes in though. Neither of us would want to be looked after, illness aside.

LibraryBook · 10/01/2014 09:34

Is it not a bit parochial (and odd given your DSS has chosen a UK university) to think only in terms of your DC living in France? Medicine may provide insufficient income in France but it provides a very good income in the USA, among other places.

I agree that children need to be shown the shape of functional family life. I wouldn't bet on them exactly emulating it though. There isn't one correct shape.

.

Puddles1234 · 10/01/2014 11:25

Rosencrantz My situation is in that Me and My Husband come from very wealthy families. We met when I was at university, he proposed once I graduated. As we were planning our wedding I didn't have time to consider if I wanted to work or not as I have never had that pressure as I have my own money from trustfunds/inheritance etc. Once I was married I decided working wasn't for me as I have a busy social life and like to spend time with my husband and we are now expecting our first child so I am now busy preparing for that.

I am financially independent. Me and my Husband have a Prenuptial agreement so if we were to divorce my assets are protected.

If my situation was different I would have to consider entering the working world however my partners salary would still be of the uppermost importance.

NearTheWindmill · 10/01/2014 11:48

If you and your husband's families are so ver wealthy why is his salary important to you though.

You do realise that capable women are able to plan weddings and babies and work don't you?

Your social life is lovely now but in 20 years you will be a lady who lunches possibly on the odd macmillan committee. I know lots of ladies like that and there's a big difference to being a socialite at 26 and 56. When your DH is CEO of something or other wouldn't you prefer his clients to want to talk to you at a function because you are part of the real world rather than as a duty, stifling a yawn about the Summer Exhibition or a ball you are organising because you are the CEO's wife.

Also why are your husbands paid earnings important to you but yours are not to him. That would concern me in the equality context and as the mother of a son and a daughter. I would be concerned for my son if he were to marry a girl like you and I can assure you that he'll be quite a catch. I hope he marries a girl with aspirations beyond his inheritance, his salary and her social life. I don't mean that to be harsh but to be realistic. I also think it very sad that you will have such limited experiences to share with your own daughters shoulkd you have them.

Re your holiday comments I think you are rather naïve. As your DH becomes more senior you wil not be able to go on holiday when you like; it will be dictated by his corporate responsibilities. Further when you have children, your holidays will be determined by term time. At least until your youngest is 7 if you are planning on boarding. Or are you thinking of sub-contracting everything to staff? I guess if you are that rich you might be.

Geckos48 · 10/01/2014 11:59

near work might be all there is to life for you but that's not universal.

Your post is incorrect and makes you seem a bit
Jealous to be honest.

motherinferior · 10/01/2014 12:09

Ah yes, the good old 'you're jealous' accusation...

wordfactory · 10/01/2014 12:16

Why do people always assume that if you don't fancy or agree with someone's lifestyle, that you're jealous?

Seriously, have people got so little imagination? Are they so self absorbed?

Can they not imagine that many people love their work. I know nots of writers, artists, musicians etc and none of them give up work when they make lots of money. Many of them didn't even need to do it in the first place, myself included. I copuld live off DH's money easily...but I don't want to.

StrokeOfBadLuck · 10/01/2014 12:21

"When your DH is CEO of something or other wouldn't you prefer his clients to want to talk to you at a function because you are part of the real world rather than as a duty, stifling a yawn about the Summer Exhibition or a ball you are organising because you are the CEO's wife."

Now I'm in my 50s, I think all that stuff about wanting to talk to an interesting woman who has a career is all a myth. Most men, of any age, just want to sit next to a pretty younger woman who hangs onto their every word (and probably most women, too - with a nice young man). Smile Taking a job to make yourself interesting at dinner parties seems like a non-starter to me.

I think having enough money/earnings potential to be able to escape a bad relationship is the most important aspect. This applies to both men and women. (And I say this as someone in a happy relationship for 20+ years.) Both partners need to have an emergency fund, and if one partner is high-earning, they need to help the lower-earner to build this up over the years.

When I chose my DP, I didn't look at earnings. I looked at ability to do the washing up, cleaning etc, to notice if something needed doing and leap up to do it himself, and to be a responsible adult who treated me as an equal. This has served us well over the years.

NearTheWindmill · 10/01/2014 12:21

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be jealous of to be honest as I could live a similar life to Puddles but have chosen not to.

Puddles might even be jealous of me Wink. I might even look at her rather imperiously at a ball committe already for all she knows.