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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Post-baby sex.

59 replies

Justnotmyself · 07/01/2014 19:24

NC for this as I don't really want to link it to my usual posting name.

I had my second baby 7 weeks ago by cs. I put on most of the weight I'd lost prior to the pregnancy, and I'm now about 30-35lbs heavier than at the start, I also have the jelly belly and overhang that often comes with the postnatal period and a cs. I'm bfing, and DC2 is still feeding whenever, could be every 15 minutes or up to 3 hours.

I've been with DH for 13 years and we've always had a brilliant relationship, I fancy him as much now as I ever have and he says likewise, I have no reason to doubt this.

Things aren't great ATM as I just don't want as much sex as he does, or as I would normally. My body's a mess, I don't feel like it's really mine as I'm bfing so much, my pelvic floor wasn't great to begin with but it certainly didn't appreciate another pregnancy, and on top of having had an average of 4 hours sleep a night in 45-minute chunks for almost 2 months, I'm chasing an active toddler all day. I can't relax for 'spontaneous' DTD as I usually would, and DH is being really huffy about it. I want to be able to relax, not worry about my belly flopping about, I want to be able to wash before DTD as otherwise I'm paranoid I smell, I want to know that at least the toddler is asleep, I want to be able to hear the baby, and I want to know DH isn't going to huff and strop if we're interrupted by the baby.

I explained all this again to DH a couple of days ago after bursting into tears when he wouldn't stop pestering (that's how it felt) me in the kitchen. We then DTD later that day in bed, with toddler at his grandma's and baby asleep, very relaxed and I had the duvet for protection. DH said he wanted me to be comfortable, thinks I'm gorgeous, etc. I don't doubt him, but I still feel my body isn't mine and I look like shit. Guess what? He's just started pestering me again in the living room and gone off in a huff when I firmly told him no.

He knows this is a temporary state of affairs, I want to get back to how we were as much as he does, but it's going to take a little while. I don't know what I want from this thread, I guess I'm just offloading, but am I really being so unreasonable and horrible? I really don't feel like me right now.

OP posts:
Christelle2207 · 08/01/2014 14:14

Your dh is BVU. I think we did it for the first time after 10 weeks ish, now at 5 months pp we only manage occasionally for a whole load of reasons, yes dh would like to more often but he understands why it isn't happening!

AnyFucker · 08/01/2014 15:08

I hope things improve for you, mummyp, but I doubt that lies with your bastard H.

LurcioLovesFrankie · 08/01/2014 15:19

Mummypig - this is (honestly) the first time I've said this, but LTB.

Hopefully if you do you will be much happier from the outset, and who knows, when the small-child-utterly-exhausted stage has passed, you might meet someone nice who wants to have sex when and because he knows you want and enjoy it, and doesn't just want to reenact porn (ewww).

Trooperslane · 08/01/2014 15:21

I'm with Casamama/Malcolm Tucker.

Grow the fuck up or fuck the fuck off.

7 weeks = approx 5 minutes.

AnyFucker · 08/01/2014 15:22

MummyP, I say "LTB" quite regularly. And you should. Your husband hates women, and he hates you. I am sorry.

JingleJemJem · 08/01/2014 17:22

Mummypig, your husband is a twat. I am raging on your behalf. The comment about nannies is disgusting and I suspect as it was said in front of others was intended to humiliate you. You do not need to put up with this.

Andy1964 · 08/01/2014 17:43

From a guys perspective.....

Can he not just wait! Some guys just have no concept!

I'm sure all you want is a cuddle and to be told that you are as fantastic as the day he married you and he should be telling you how proud he is to be married to the beautiful mother of his beautiful children.
Then get his arse up and help out with nappy changes, dinner, housework and BFing, yes I said it, BFing.
There is nothing like getting up in the middle of the night to find your wife BFing your child. It's such a basic loving sight. And to be there with her, awake, supporting her.

He is gonna learn the hard way unfortunatly, and your gonna go off on one at him. He probably deserves it too.

Original poster
Justnotmyself · 08/01/2014 19:36

Thanks Andy and everyone else - he's come in with beautiful flowers tonight (this never happens) and things seem good, I still feel wary though. Mummy your H sounds like a total arsehole, makes my issues seem petty!

OP posts:
Shilagh · 21/02/2014 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Jan45 · 21/02/2014 17:11

That is awful, how selfish can someone be, he sounds about 12 years old.

Jan45 · 21/02/2014 17:21

And I'm talking about both these men, disgusting way to behave.

Offred · 21/02/2014 17:34

This isn't a thing of "if only men had the baby they would understand", whilst it may be true, the issue is men who feel entitled to use women's bodies for their pleasure immaterial of how the woman feels about it.

If you are with a man like this LTB. This behaviour is not happenig because they don't understand how you feel but because they see themselves as more important and either don't realise other people have feelings or do and have decided they don't care. It won't get better.

IMO it is connected with porn in that wanking to porn (rather than wanking) is about using someone else to get off, someone whose feelings you don't have to care about.

Offred · 21/02/2014 17:36

And I'm sure there will be some people who come on with the "all men use porn it is normal, if you think your man doesn't you are naive/he is lying to you"

This is just rubbish. Rubbish designed to keep women on their place, just like the sex pesting carried out by these sexually abusive men.

There are plenty of lovely non-abusive men around. You don't have to put up with one who is.

JanineStHubbins · 21/02/2014 17:57

This is an old thread - Shilagh is spamming it looking for a job Hmm

Offred · 21/02/2014 18:05

Ah rubbish but not that old so nevermind!

Shilagh · 21/02/2014 18:09

I saw an ad mummypig83 on childcare.co.uk re nannying ,just so you're aware ( I'm assuming you're that mummy pig 83 ) lol

Shilagh · 21/02/2014 18:10

What do you mean please janinesthubbins ???

JanineStHubbins · 21/02/2014 18:12

You're spamming a number of boards advertising yourself. You resurrected an old thread in order to do so.

Offred · 21/02/2014 18:15

Shilagh - you can't advertise for work on the boards and you shouldn't post contact details either.

mcmooncup · 21/02/2014 18:18

I'd never want sex with him ever again tbh
And he could put that in his pipe and smoke it for all I would care.
It's supposed to be actual fun

Shilagh · 21/02/2014 18:21

Oh right I've only just joined in order to contact a lady, I didn't know I couldn't post on here???! Where can I post then please

Shilagh · 21/02/2014 18:22

I have now managed, .....I think to pm the person :-/ .... A poster?? I think

Offred · 21/02/2014 18:22

Shilagh - you can probably post in childcare I would have thought.

Offred · 21/02/2014 18:22

Ask MNHQ what is appropriate if you aren't sure.

Shilagh · 21/02/2014 18:23

And Janine, I put an ad on two as they looked like
Appropriate boards, I I haven't seen that I can't anywhere........not that I've looked properly, but someone else put an ad

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