"Staying together for the sake of the children" were you that child, were your parents right?

[BlueSkySunnyDay]

I cant count how many relationship threads ive been on where still "staying together for the children" is cited as justification for excusing the inexcusable. It doesnt matter how may of us who have been there as the child say its unfair, year in year out its still trotted out

The guilt it puts on a childs shoulders cannot be understated "they dont like each other but are only together for me, therefore its my fault they are unhappy" and the long term damage it does in forming own relationships as "a normal relationship should have drama" or "its normal for the person im with to not trust me/be trustworthy"

I can understand "I dont feel I can live without him" "I feel we can get over it" "How will I manage financially" ultimately thats the perogative of person going thought it

I dont expect anyone to act on what I say but I hope maybe I can give them food for thought and help them make the right decision for them. But I wish just once I would see - "im not sure that staying together in these circumstances is right for our child" or "will my child think its OK for for him/her to be treated like this/behave like this If I accept it?"

No one can help having been put in this situation, it is the unfaithful/abusive partners fault but control can be taken in the ^decision about what to do about it and how that decision will affect your child's long term perception of what is acceptable in a relationship

There is no stigma to being divorced anymore, some children actually have a better relationship with a separated parent as dad cant leave it all to mum. I appreciate "finance" is still a motivating factor, I can understand that - I also understand its hard to give up when you love someone as your heart takes a while to catch up with what your head tells you.

It would be interesting to hear what other adults who have grown up as the child in this environment feel about it.

Yes.

No.

Someone was wavering on here before about her children being from a broken home if their parents were to split up.

Another poster pointed out that its far better to be from a broken home than to live in one.

My parents are bizarrely proud that they are still married, despite having had a miserable time since as long as I can remember.

My brother and I used to beg my mother to leave and take us to live with my nan. My father was brought up in an abusive home and sometimes gave the same to us. My parents are still making each other unhappy, but seem too codependent and entrenched to change.

I've never felt guilty about being the reason for them staying together, because I don't believe that's the whole story. They stayed together because they were too scared of going through a divorce; splitting the house and financial problems. I know that they love us, but they're also unable to get out of their situation so that they can actually behave like parents. It's miserable, but it's also been an example of what not to do.

I now just feel really sad for them. Both have been prescribed antidepressants, both moan about the other. All the suggestions my brother and I make are met with excuses. They're adults, and I guess they're not willing to listen.

As cogito said downthread, it's about how it's done, rather than what's done I think. My parents splitting acrimoniously would have been worse than them staying together in a civil way (which they did). And I dare say that an amicable split would have been better than constant sniping together (which they didn't do). Whether an amicable split would have been better than a civil staying together, I don't know. Well, it would have been better for them I'm sure, but they decided it would potentially be worse for us. We'll never know, but I can't criticise them for putting us first, as they saw it.

I appreciate different cultures have different expectations charcoal - I guess even if British/christian then you would feel a pressure that perhaps I, as an aetheist would not. There is little in the way of divorce in my family even now, but I would not hesitate to be the first if I felt it necessary.

Personally I would be way more ashamed if I raised my children in an unhappy home and gave them a skewed idea about how relationships should be.

Query - I have a friend who is in a horrible abusive relationship, her mantra is "I dont want them to come from a broken home" but a home where when Dad raises his voice the children have been coached to get to their rooms and lock the door is fractured beyond repair.

I guess we were "lucky" in that the issue with our parents was a brief infidelity, but the fallout lasted for years and was swept under the carpet. I went from wanting Mum and Dad to kiss me goodnight to, even now, feeling slightly ambivalent toward them - as the eldest (I guess with the strongest memories of it) I am also the most distanced from the entire family.

What does EA stand for?

Emotionally abusive (or emotional affair, depending on context. It can be confusing sometimes).

Well, exH is essentially out of the picture and we have a much healthier home life.
I'm not sure I stayed for DS. But having DS made it more difficult to leave because he was effectively my weak spot. For example, if ex took him or hurt him, or got custody because he was at home. My main fears are still for DS.
The same happens to many mothers.

Thanks.

My dh's parents did this he is eternally grateful but wishes they'd split up now instead of using his dsis for companionship while she languishes at home with them.

Yeah I'm one of those too. I posted this about it on another thread today:

My dad started cheating on my mum when she was pregnant with me and they remained together with him cheating with a string of women until I turned 18. Staying together for the 'sake of the kids' is the most horrendous thing to do. No one gains - my mother had a horrible life and us children grew up with so much guilt. I have nothing to do with my dad now and neither do 2 of my siblings. My mum is now finally happy but she wasted the best years of her life.

Mine finally went pop when Mum was about 74 and Dad was 81, I think. Separated and Mum was never happier. Dad, on the other hand, was never the same again.
As for DSis and me, we both think we'd have been happier if Mum had just raised us as a single mum, but of course we can't be sure. She had lots of MH issues, so it could have gone horribly wrong. But then, were her MH issues exacerbated by continuing to live as Dad's wife when she didn't want to?
I think some of this is unanswerable. But given that continuing to live together is more or less guaranteed misery, while living apart brings the possibility of something a bit more cheerful, separation would probably get my vote, provided the resident parent was able to cope with caring for the DCs (in other words, assuming the absence of MH issues that might cause even more problems).
Not much help, I fear.

One of the biggest things I am grateful to my parents for is staying together while we were growing up. Their unhappiness with each other did not translate into an unhappy home life for me and my siblings because my father was not in the house a lot.

I found out about my father's affairs from my mother and her unhappiness when I was coming to up my teens. They provided a very stable and comfortable family life. I loved my house and environment and would have loathed any disruption or new persons in my life. We felt loved by our parents and were the priority, which is unlikely to be the case in a blended family.

Thanks for sharing, folk girl, you made me feel less alone.

From a head of year viewpoint I have seen first hand that year 11 and sixth form students struggle to cope with parental break ups. I don't believe that there is a right or a wrong time as people's circumstances are different. Older teenagers are not that resilient and there can be a lot of tears from the 'tough ones' they often feel abandoned and left out as they are perceived to be adults and 'will be moving out soon anyway'

When I was a child/ teenager I literally couldn't understand why people got married as my parents seemed so unhappy. My dad shouted at my mum all the time and she just gave in. It was a miserable existence. I saw marriage as a living death and vowed never to be like my mum. I longed for her to leave him but it was that generation where you didn't do that. I have never married and have no kids. Neither do my 2 older sisters. I think both of them could have been happy if they could have met someone more compatible.

Staying together for the kids? They won't thank you for it...

I really don't think those who claimed to have stayed for the children stayed for that reason. They stayed because they were afraid of change, the stigma of raising children on their own, or concerned about how they would survive in terms of the finances.

It is plain cowardice or practicality, as simple as it is.

I think it's a mixture. If my parents had not had children, they might have split up - we were just another complication. They definitely did not want us to have to experience the financial or domestic hardships that would have come with splitting up (employment and finance issues were still ever present). So, in a way, we contributed toward them staying together - but I don't think that it was out of thinking about what was best for our emotional development... The misery of watching fights and walking on eggshells most days has shaped me in ways that have taken a good deal of my adult life to address (not all of it necessarily bad).

I don't think it is a commonly accepted excuse to stay together, on MN. It is always challenged

i left my ExH for the sake of the children, 2 years ago. I know i couldn't keep them in an environment like that. I felt/feel immense shame and guilt. And i feel heart breakingly sad everyday.

i still know, it was the right thing to do. But, it is not fair to say people are just using the kids as an excuse because they are cowards. It is a very very hard thing to do

I had a boyfriend when I was a young teenager, whose parents were obviously together for the sake of the children. His parents seemed to largely ignore each other, even when they were in the same room, and hardly talked to each other at all. My boyfriend hated being in the house because of this.

I don't think people 'stay together for the sake of the children' because they want to put on some kind of charade, they do it because the alternative might be so disruptive for the children that it would harm them more. Most homes take two incomes to run. As a single parent you have to run that home on one income without much guarantee that your ex will help you out. If you live in a high house price are you would have to move away from friends and family. In addition to that, if children are at exam age (as the headteacher suggested earlier) it can make them very vulnerable indeed. I can imagine that in some circumstances it is better to keep things the same. I think the key is to detach from the negative behaviours and stop the cycle of arguing, conflict and stress. Ideally these people should separate but there are more than two people in a family and the logistics have to suit everyone.

OP regarding your friend who has to tell her children to 'go into their room and lock the door' - if you feel children are at risk you have a duty to intervene. Moaning about her inability to leave on here won't help her children but a concerned call from social services might.

My parents were not particularly courageous by nature but they were certainly not cowards in staying together.

I deeply resent any suggestion that they were because this is the one thing that stands out in my mind that they did for us against their needs. They made the best of a situation they found themselves in - incompatible with 3 children. My father felt a strong sense of duty to us and my mother. My mother sacrificed a lot of herself for her children.

You don't see a lot of that these days.

Would I want to be in a family where my father has married his girlfriend and they have children together so that me and my siblings can be spare tyres in their happiness? No thanks - I would not want to put their children through that either unless there was very good reasons for that. Bear in mind my parents had just fallen out of love, but were otherwise mostly civil to each other so the atmosphere in the house was not toxic.

I saw marriage as a living death and vowed never to be like my mum

Scarletohello it sounds as though we had a very similar experience. My mum used to issue dire warnings about how I should never get married, never have kids to end up trapped like she was.

So I had myself sterilised when I was 29 and I have never married.

The upshot is that I actually hated my mother for many, many years. I think I pity her more now - she's 73 and a wretchedly unhappy creature. My dad is just an asshole.

Horse - I never reported it because I have spoken to her about for about 10 years and she has never said she is too scared to leave she just wont I lost patience when I found out at least 2 other friends had been through the whole same dialogue with her for 5 years prior to that (including 1 getting a ton of practial help lined up for her)

Last year social services called her into her childrens school so her H didnt know as they had an anonymous tip off, she did pretty much what I knew she would - she cried and denied it. You cannot help someone who will not help themselves.

Her children all have issues as a result but I guess SS cant do anything unless she admits there is a problem or its so bad it can been seen by them.

My experience of my parents' unhappy marriage is to make damn sure I took the time to check my dh out to make sure we were compatible before we got married and had children. I was the one to end a relationship if I did not think that it was going to work out because there were traits in my boyfriend I did not think would weather the test of time.

Me and my siblings are all happily married. You can learn from your parents' mistakes. My mother told me to always have a job and be financially independent from my husband, which is something I have followed.