Yikes. Very long but your advice would be appreciated..

[stowsettler]

Sorry this is so long...

DP, on the whole, is great: he’s a SAHD will I work FT, he does the cleaning, most of the cooking, etc etc and is utterly brilliant with DD, who’s 10mo.

I know you’ll all be thinking “yeah yeah, I’ve heard that before...” but actually it’s true. But of course there is one problem, and that’s why I’m posting. He can be absolutely horrible when challenged over any little thing. He cannot bear to admit he’s wrong and wringing a “sorry” out of him is worse than getting blood out of a stone. I hasten to add, this doesn't stop me challenging him when needed.

Example: this morning, I got up as usual, had a quick shower and took our dogs out. Normally I would also get DD up and she would come with us, but at this time of year and in this weather I have told him that it’s really not on to do this. In principle he agrees with this; in practice however it means that he has to look after her while I’m out. Not a huge problem you’d think – it’s at 6.30am and she’s usually quite happy to cuddle in bed for a bit.

When I got back I took her, dressed her and gave her breakfast. When it was time for me to go to work I took her upstairs and gave her to him. He was grumpy (with me, not with her) and very short with me. When I asked him what was wrong he (eventually) asked what I was doing when I went downstairs because it seemed ages before I took the dogs out. It was about 5 minutes while I put a load of washing in and put my walking boots on. I told him this but he was still sniffy. I pressed him and asked him what I’d done wrong but he just wouldn’t engage. He’d got it into his head that I was having a nice coffee on my own while he looked after DD. When confronted with the truth he couldn’t bear to process the fact that he was wrong.

This happens all the time. I end up getting very upset because he just blanks me when we have things to discuss, then I get tearful and frustrated and finally he apologises when he realises I'm upset, not stroppy. When I do get angry I inevitably raise my voice and then he turns the tables, telling me not to be so ‘aggressive’. However when the boot’s on the other foot he’s perfectly comfortable with raising his voice to me and saying unpleasant things. But woe betide me if I do this. Double standards huh.

I know this is an EA trait. But it is his only EA trait. He split up with his ex-W over this I think and apparently she had something like a nervous breakdown because of his difficult behaviour. This was in another country and I don’t really know the details, but from what I have gleaned she wasn’t the strongest person emotionally– but in any case it does suggest that his treatment of people can sometimes leave much to be desired.

I don’t want to LTB. He’s not a B. In every other way he’s a very loving, helpful, generous person. So please, no such advice.

These incidents frequently happen first thing in the morning, or when he’s tired. He’s INCREDIBLY precious about his sleep and I think this is an issue. He’s a night owl and he needs to try to come to bed earlier, because nowadays he has DD and he is her main carer. How the hell can I make him see this? Doesn’t help that he gets insomnia too...

If you’ve lasted this long congratulations – and thank you. Any wise words would be much appreciated.

Generally speaking, you can't make anyone see something as a problem if they don't believe it's a problem. If it's only affecting you and not them they have zero motivation to change. The only way you get them to take it seriously is if they think carrying on in the same vein is going to start affecting them negatively. As long as nothing bad happens to him, nothing will change. You're dismissing LTB but I think it would be 100% valid to tell him that, if his behaviour doesn't improve, the future of your relationship is in doubt. He already lost one wife.

What I also would say is that, if he's particularly antagonistic in the mornings, that can be a symptom of low blood-sugars & possible early warning signs for diabetic tendencies. If he also has insomnia, a check-up at the GP is in order.

You may not want to leave him now but as your DD gets older, she will really start learning about relationships from the two of you. What are you both teaching her about relationships here?. Would you want your DD to be treated as you are currently in her own adult relationships?.
Any EA trait (and there is likely to be more than one here) is unacceptable in any sort of relationship and you are selling yourself short here by tolerating this in any shape or form. Even a guy who is supposedly otherwise good the rest of the time should not have any allowances made for him by you.

Presumably he treated his wife the same too. She could have been beaten down by him emotionally, the little you do know (and I think you need to find out much much more) is bad news. Men who cannot or will not say sorry are really men with huge emotional problems often going back to childhood. What do you really know about this person in terms of his background/childhood?. He has issues that you cannot solve for him, only he can do that.

I would agree with Cogito that he should have a GP checkup in case there are any underlying medical issues.

Attila, there really are no other EA traits. He's not in the slightest bit controlling, I hold the purse strings (in that I earn the money - he has access to it and doesn't take the piss), he doesn't use DD against me...this is truly the only thing. But I accept it's one thing too many.

Very interesting about the low-sugar thing. I will urge him to see his GP, this could be valid.

Oh and he's generally extremely respectful of women. More so than many men I've been with before. He admires that I can earn so much more than him and talks to me about his worries, as do I with him.

I am glad you have accepted that this trait of his is one trait too many.

My guess is that he does not like you having so much earning power and he detests being a SAHD. There's a lot going on here beneath the surface.

Why is he going to bed so late, what is he doing exactly in the wee hours?.

Patterns of emotional abuse

Emotional abuse falls into three patterns:

Aggressive: which includes name-calling, belittling, blaming, accusing, yelling, screaming, making threats, degrading insults or destructive criticism.

Denying: this includes sulking, manipulation, neglecting, not listening, withholding affection and distorting the other’s experience.

Minimising: this can include belittling the effect of something, isolating, accusations of exaggerating or inventing and offering solutions or 'advice'.

I think he has more than one EA trait here given the above.

To be honest he just sounds huffy as he's exhausted with your DD and a bit unfulfilled by his role (which is normal, young babies are tough).

Why not send him to walk the dogs while you look after her?

I don't think he's abusive at all -- he sounds ok to me. Perhaps you need to treat him/show him he's valued for being SAHD? Make him breakfast in bed? Let him have a lie in? Cook a nice dinner etc?

IME my DH is much happier looking after our DC when I pay him attention. He probably is having a bit of an identity crisis and wants to know you still fancy him though he's a SAHD.

He really isn't like that attila. Honestly. He doesn't do any of the things in any of those categories. He stonewalls - which drives me up the wall because I need to have things out in the open.

He likes being a SAHD in general - although would I think like to get some PT work, and will do now it's new year. Previously he was self-employed for a very long time and I think he has a few confidence issues with 'getting out there' to look for work. He has absolutely no problem with my earning ability. I know this for a fact.

croquet I think in general you're right. But his huffiness borders on the objectionable, and I think it is extreme.

you can say " I feel this is a problem" rather than " you have a problem"

go to relate?

I do know what you mean. My DH can be very similar. Usually there is something specific wrong then comes out when he can't bottle it up any longer. Why not try to chat with yours in a friendly way (in bed/on sofa) and give him a chance to talk about whatever it is.

I know it's hard not to get pissed off.

Perhaps he's not getting much validation. Try inviting friends round while DD is awake so he can enjoy their comments on how well she's doing (after all the hard work he's put in).

And you said 'this happens all the time'. Stonewalling... sulking.... is not acceptable behaviour. Picking faults is unpleasant and disrespectful. Refusing to acknowledge fault... arrogance ... is deeply frustrating for others. FWIW... NEVER say to a sulker 'what have I done wrong?' because that just gives them carte blanche to line up your alleged faults. Meet silence with silence.

I'm glad you say he's going to be getting some work. Sound like he needs to spend more time with adults that don't let him off so lightly.

Sounds like he needs a coffee or cup of tea before he's talkable to. I'm like this, no morning person and what would ordinarily not bother me in the slightest is taken out of all proportion when I'm tired or in the morning. I also don't say anything because actually, I know I'm being unreasonable but having to actually admit I'm being unreasonable is worse.

I'm better if I can step back and regain my humour before being made to talk to anyone.

But I think you should me more charitable to him! Imagine if this was from a man writing about his DW at home with their 10 month old baby!

In personal relationships, men have a greater tendency to stonewall or withdraw either as a flight-response to conflict or to escape perceived nagging or their partner’s need to “talk things through”. When women stonewall in relationships however, it is considered to be more damaging and indicative of relationship breakdown. Within the workplace, stonewalling is often an expression of power or an indicator of undisclosed misbehaviour.

Why stonewall?
to prevent the aggravation of a situation
to prevent disclosure of information
to control the conduct of a situation
to obstruct a process or development
fear of conflict
lack of conflict communication skills
an expression of disdain or indifference
an expression of personal power

Examples of stonewalling range from refusing to continue a conversation to being obviously “absent” or disengaging during a communication, changing the subject to avoid a specific topic, evasiveness or excessive vagueness in responding, constantly raising the bar as regards further information/action required before progress is possible, physically leaving the field of interaction or giving someone the silent treatment and refusing to talk or communicate for days on end and not replying to formal attempts at communication as is the case with phone calls, letters or emails.

To be at the receiving end of stonewalling is to experience frustration, disrespect, humiliation, confusion, aggression and provocation. Since constructive communication thrives on engagement between parties, stonewalling is its very antithesis. It fosters mistrust by stopping the flow of information that we require for the settling of disputes and keeping us in the dark as regards the other’s intentions

Look - is he in charge of night-time wake-ups too?
No wonder he is scratchy! Bring back a croissant next time you go out with the dogs and tell him to have a nice long bath!

I'd be saying the same thing. If a DW was sulking, picking fights, refusing to apologise and generally behaving unreasonably then why would that be any different? No-one with a small child goes around grinning like Butlins Redcoat 24/7 but a decent person (male or female) would either talk about their problems partner, seek medical help (if appropriate), get more sleep rather than sit up all night and then complain about fatigue and generally have the good grace to apologise when they've been acting like an arse.

It sounds to me as if you are over anxious. What happens if you DON'T press the point each time and DON'T dig away until you find the issue? Can you just write his behaviour off, say to yourself, that he is grumpy in the mornings and that's just the way he is? Ignore his curtness, smile breezily, give him a loving kiss that he will remember and which will overlay any irritation, and merrily go off to work.

Speaking as a night owl and a sometimes grumpy grump who prefers not to communicate much in the early mornings, I would hugely prefer my partner to just leave me in peace in the mornings, that's not abdicating my responsibility for any chores, but I certainly wouldn't want any heart to heart in depth niggling and probing at that hour. Try leaving him to his grumpiness, he'll probably have forgotten about it by the time you get home in the evening.

He may think of his late night activities - what is he doing? tv? on the internet? as his "me time". I'd leave him to it, he knows when he's stayed up too late by the way he feels in the morning. Perhaps you could encourage him to get some kind of exercise in the evenings which should help him sleep better.

This blanking may be his "water off a duck's back" method of coping when he doesn't want an in depth discussion at that time, - my dp does it to me and yes, it doesn't work and it is enraging, but my dp prefers peace to argument. The only way I can successfully communicate with him when it is a serious matter, is to do so at the time of the day when he is least tired, (usually morning in his case because he's an up with the lark type) and I have to mentally pace myself and mentally book the slot! You're probably both very tired, can you cut yourselves some slack, ease up and aim for a more peaceful harmonious existence?

Stonewalling as he is doing to the OP wears people down. He does not think that what is good for the goose is also good for the gander. Woe betide OP if she challenges him in any way; he shouts her down and tells her not to be so "aggressive".

All I'm saying is if this is their first child then they're doing pretty well and should give each other a break. DD is being looked after, they're making ends meet, dogs are getting walked... give yourselves a pat on the back and think it'll be much easier by summer

Babies are hard work - everyone gets chippy with reduced sleep.

When I say it happens all the time, I mean it is his stock reaction to conflict. He doesn't pick fights or anything.

There are many occasions when he has every right to be annoyed, if I'm honest. I'm not the tidiest of people to live with and he is very neat. We normally have a cleaner but she's just had a baby so is off at the moment - it's not like I treat him like a skivvy but he does do the lion's share of cleaning at the moment.

Yes I think work will be helpful to him. We will get on the case ASAP.

Oh and in his case, when I ask "what have I done wrong" it seems to be the only way to get him to unclam (if that's a word). I know I'm being PA when I do it, but it's the only way. He only cites the current irritation but refuses to engage when I dispute his perception of things.

croquet you may well be right on the validation thing. And she is doing brilliantly.

Really... don't say 'what have I done wrong'. It's worse than PA, it's assuming blame. When you've got someone who is already refusing to apologise or acknowledge fault, that really doesn't help anything. Ignore.

Enb76 and croquet
Yes agree

I definitely think I should leave him to it in the mornings - but I seem to be incapable of taking my own advice. And sometimes, like this morning, I think - why the hell should I take this shit from him?! He's in the wrong and he should bloody well admit know it!

I will try to talk to him tonight about the stonewalling.

To be at the receiving end of stonewalling is to experience frustration, disrespect, humiliation, confusion, aggression and provocation. Since constructive communication thrives on engagement between parties, stonewalling is its very antithesis. It fosters mistrust by stopping the flow of information that we require for the settling of disputes and keeping us in the dark as regards the other’s intentions

attila I will show him this. He is generally quite perceptive of his own faults, and to have this in black and white may make him think.

Leave the poor man in peace. you sound very confrontational.