Yikes. Very long but your advice would be appreciated..

[stowsettler]

Sorry this is so long...

DP, on the whole, is great: he’s a SAHD will I work FT, he does the cleaning, most of the cooking, etc etc and is utterly brilliant with DD, who’s 10mo.

I know you’ll all be thinking “yeah yeah, I’ve heard that before...” but actually it’s true. But of course there is one problem, and that’s why I’m posting. He can be absolutely horrible when challenged over any little thing. He cannot bear to admit he’s wrong and wringing a “sorry” out of him is worse than getting blood out of a stone. I hasten to add, this doesn't stop me challenging him when needed.

Example: this morning, I got up as usual, had a quick shower and took our dogs out. Normally I would also get DD up and she would come with us, but at this time of year and in this weather I have told him that it’s really not on to do this. In principle he agrees with this; in practice however it means that he has to look after her while I’m out. Not a huge problem you’d think – it’s at 6.30am and she’s usually quite happy to cuddle in bed for a bit.

When I got back I took her, dressed her and gave her breakfast. When it was time for me to go to work I took her upstairs and gave her to him. He was grumpy (with me, not with her) and very short with me. When I asked him what was wrong he (eventually) asked what I was doing when I went downstairs because it seemed ages before I took the dogs out. It was about 5 minutes while I put a load of washing in and put my walking boots on. I told him this but he was still sniffy. I pressed him and asked him what I’d done wrong but he just wouldn’t engage. He’d got it into his head that I was having a nice coffee on my own while he looked after DD. When confronted with the truth he couldn’t bear to process the fact that he was wrong.

This happens all the time. I end up getting very upset because he just blanks me when we have things to discuss, then I get tearful and frustrated and finally he apologises when he realises I'm upset, not stroppy. When I do get angry I inevitably raise my voice and then he turns the tables, telling me not to be so ‘aggressive’. However when the boot’s on the other foot he’s perfectly comfortable with raising his voice to me and saying unpleasant things. But woe betide me if I do this. Double standards huh.

I know this is an EA trait. But it is his only EA trait. He split up with his ex-W over this I think and apparently she had something like a nervous breakdown because of his difficult behaviour. This was in another country and I don’t really know the details, but from what I have gleaned she wasn’t the strongest person emotionally– but in any case it does suggest that his treatment of people can sometimes leave much to be desired.

I don’t want to LTB. He’s not a B. In every other way he’s a very loving, helpful, generous person. So please, no such advice.

These incidents frequently happen first thing in the morning, or when he’s tired. He’s INCREDIBLY precious about his sleep and I think this is an issue. He’s a night owl and he needs to try to come to bed earlier, because nowadays he has DD and he is her main carer. How the hell can I make him see this? Doesn’t help that he gets insomnia too...

If you’ve lasted this long congratulations – and thank you. Any wise words would be much appreciated.

Too bloody right I'm confrontational. I don't appreciate being stonewalled and accused of things I haven't done.

My husband is a total arse when he is hungry. When we first got together it took a lonnng time before I saw the pattern of behaviour, grumpiness, pickiness, stonewalling. Then there was a total refusal to admit hunger. So I started to take the p*ss as soon as he had eaten something and his humour picked up. Eventually even he could admit that he'd gone from black dog to sweetness and light within minutes and he started to see his patter n of. It's even more obvious to him now that we have two DC with exactly the same problem. These days he just eats something

It may not be hunger, tiredness, apathy to the day ahead. Loving his DD may not take the edge off another day of drudge especially with the current weather. Try to disengage and if he asks what you've been up to downstairs again while he wanted a quiet cup of tea and another 5 min doze then just make a joke out of it. "I decided to make some jam/alphabetizing the CD collection...." and see if that changes the dynamic

Def have the conversation about stonewalling and point out to him that he seems to think it is acceptable for him not to apologise when in the wrong, but not you.

He's not perfect, neither are you. You're looking for a fight. Why? It's not going to solve anything. Each fight only makes you both feel worse.

Draw a line, start again, change your interaction by being sunny and positive. You can do it. He will respond. It's impossible to not smile back at someone.

I'm really not looking for a fight. I'm looking to find out why he thinks his behaviour is appropriate for him but not for me. I'm not prepared to live by double standards. But you're right that I need to change my own reaction to his stonewalling.

oscar thats very interesting, thank you. He is very much like that first thing in the morning. We really do need to talk about this 'in the cold light of day', so to speak.

some people just can't function in the morning - I can't

I don't speak, and the rest of the family know not to speak to me - unless absolutely necessary.

dh and I are most likely to have arguments in the morning.

unless you are this type of person, you can't understand that this is not bullshit

I do not understand inflection in voice or humour and I find it difficult to be articulate

all I can think is - please fuck off and leave me alone until I have had this one coffee.

I think rather than try and change things, the route to happiness might be to tell him - in the evening- that you realise tha t mornings are a flashpoint and that its best to avoid each other if poss, get his agreement

Good idea custardo. Obviously it's not entirely possible to avoid each other because I have to hand DD over before work - but in general yes I think this would be a good approach.

Dear God...

Are you married to my brother. [Terrified gulp]

Sounds a bit like my dh. He is incapable of communicating civilly until he's been up and about for half an hour - took me years to learn not to approach him or try to converse first thing, which is tough as I'm fully awake as soon as my feet touch the ground and like singing loudly and chatting cheerfully over breakfast!

Ime, when someone sulks and you chase them down for an explanation, you are playing directly into their hands. They want the attention, they want you to frantically try and mollify them and find out what's wrong. By giving the behaviour attention you are encouraging it. If you ignore it and just walk away, and there is a genuine issue, they are forced to bring it up with you rather than having you drag it out of them. Isn't that what they tell you with children (and this is v. childish behaviour) - praise the positive, ignore the negative.

SpecialAgent - well he does have a sister...

Thanks hooked. That's exactly what I need to do. Now, if I could only get myself to to just that

Lordy!

This is the one aspect of MN which frustrates me. Husbands are expected to e perfect no matter what, with no flaws, and when they aren't, they are slaughtered. As a result, the OP generally doesn't get any useful help or suggestions, just oushed into a corner where she feels like she has to defend herself for staying with / putting up with her husband!

Why the brigade? People are flawed. All of us. We are also not all brilliant at communication - I guarantee OP has contributed to the situation as has her husband.

My advice would be to take him out for a meal or for a coffee, to a public place, with the express purpose of chatting about this issue. Ask him what he is struggling with and how he perceives things, and be open to whatever he says. Then ask what, from his perspective, you could both do to ease that tension, and how we feels that you could deal with it better as a couple.

Definitely, definitely also tell him in a loving and carig way how you are feeling and that you are struggling, and bring some suggestions to the table. Also make sure to tell him what he is doing well and what you appreciate, and make sure he does the same for you.

Good lord he struggles with communication and accepting blame, he isn't a monster! And why does there have to be some stereotypical biased reason behind his behaviour?