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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Moving on without 'CLOSURE'

27 replies

whatadick · 06/01/2014 22:17

I'm ashamed to say that for two years I've been an OW. Things escalated from platonic work colleagues until MM relentlessly pursued me hell for leather (I know I played my part and am fully responsible for what i've done). I'm ashamed and mortified at my actions which will never be repeated. I was taken for a fool and have learnt a harsh lesson. I'm trying my best to move on, one foot forward at a time but the last I heard from MM was his declaration of undying love (he is now back with DW) and how his feelings for me were so strong, incomparable to his feelings for DW and how he wanted us to be together.

Then he completely backtracked and has cut me off to work on his marriage (he says he should try harder to fight for his marriage but I have given him the best years of his life - I know it sounds a load of baloney). I am finding it hard to move on without answers to a load of questions - Did he ever feel anything for me? Why did he string me along? How could he cut me off after two 'soul mate' years? Just to leave me dangling, wondering? Was it all lies? I need clarification and feel like sending one last message but wonder what good it will do.

OP posts:

SoleSource · 06/01/2014 22:30

I think if I was in your situation I would self refer to see a therapist. Too much headfuck for me to deal with alone.

CailinDana · 06/01/2014 22:30

It won't do any good. Remember he is the kind of person who can spend 2 years successfully and convincingly lying to the person closest to him. Nothing he says can be trusted.

fiftyandfab · 06/01/2014 22:33

Darling, I feel your pain. I'm 5 years into something (4 years and I thought he was single) so now it's so hard to let go. Every time I cut the ties....he reappears....I don't have an answer except, one day at a time, please DON'T send a 'last' message...you'll beat yourself up waiting for a reply. It will get easier as long as you both leave it alone....not sure what help that is, but just letting you know you're not alone

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici · 06/01/2014 22:36

Please don't message him. He would just lie to you anyway.

Don't forget that he probably wants to keep you as Plan B, so he won't want to burn his bridges. But you don't want to be the fallback if he can't make his wife keep him, do you?

I agree that you should look into some counselling, it might help you.

He enjoyed cheating on his wife with you but when the chips were down, he chose her.

What else do you need to know?

You were - sex. Extra sex. Attention. A thrill.

Did his wife find out? I'm assuming so. And so he begged and pleaded and dropped you like a lump of shit?

you are so so so well shot of him. I feel sorry for his wife for not being.

Please do get some counselling or something because you are worth more than to allow yourself to be someone's cheap thrill on the side. You deserve to be loved by someone who understands the meaning of the word.

Original poster

whatadick · 06/01/2014 22:45

Thank you. Two things I use to convince myself he/it was genuine are:

it wasn't a major sexathlon, much more emotionally compatible so I can't even tell myself I was used for sex/cheap thrill as we only did it a handful of times.
he confessed to his wife so we could be together and got cold feet when he saw the impact him leaving had on his dcs.

I would love him to just say he loved his wife and that he felt nothing for me, then I could move on but it all feels so circumstantial.

OP posts:

fiftyandfab · 06/01/2014 22:47

PP is right. If you do message him he WILL lie to you.

wildwest · 06/01/2014 22:48

Gawd, I drove myself insane wanting closure after an 11 year marriage ended. It literally made me nuts. Then one day I realised that I had to move on. I didn't want to go over and over what had happened and why for the rest of my life. I was bored of talking it to death - I'm sure my friends were. Closure for me is such an american thing. In real life - sometimes there really isn't any closure. Just acceptance of an end. And even if you did at some point get something out of him about the why's and wherefore's - it could be a complete lie. My problem is I think people are like me. That there's thoughts and feelings are like mine. I've learnt a hard lesson that this is not the case. What comes out of a persons mouth is one thing - it's their actions you have to look at. Sometimes it just is what it is. No amount of analyzing makes the outcome different. It's hard to move on. You have to force yourself. I've been upset recently over a breakup with a guy who told me all the right things. I had imagined a future. As soon as we were broken up (and I'm talking days ago) - he was back to online dating. So I know how you feel. I wanted it. I imagined it. But it wasn't mine. Now you have to move forward - so do I - one step at a time. Why look backwards? That's not the way you or I are going ;-)

Onwards and upwards!

Drasticpark · 06/01/2014 22:49

My exDP had an eighteen month affair. During the aftermath there were periods where he told me things and did things that proved he had no loyalty to anyone but HIMSELF. I watched him lie to me and I heard him lie to her, quite literally. You cannot believe a word he said or says. I doubt he even knows himself what's true - he has proved he has no integrity. He will tell you whatever he needs to tell you to get the result he wants.

fiftyandfab · 06/01/2014 22:51

ok cross post..... (my stuff is...)

This IS a major sexathon

He moved back to family home on the pretext of getting son back on track (he's 17 FFS)

Upshot is
I challenged him, he lied (see above)....I'm still doing it :(

AcrossthePond55 · 06/01/2014 22:53

Answers to your questions.

"Did he ever feel anything for me?" Probably not. You also were probably not the first and probably won't be the last.

"Why did he string me along?" Because he was getting what he wanted from you.

"How could he cut me off after two 'soul mate' years? Just to leave me dangling, wondering?" Because you weren't his 'soulmate'. You were his 'bit on the side'.

"Was it all lies?" More than likely. But it worked, didn't it?

I'm sorry to sound so harsh, but while I realise you are hurting you have to realise that you really had no place in his life to begin with. Most women, at one time or another, have been approached by MM. And I daresay most of us tell them to go to hell despite being 'relentlessly' pursued. I know I sure did! You didn't and now you are paying the price. But that's nothing to the price his wife has been paying for the last two years, is it? Now, pull up your socks, get counseling, and learn from this painful mistake. MM are NEVER worth your time. All you are getting is another woman's heartache.

Drasticpark · 06/01/2014 22:54

You will move on much quicker if you pay more attention to why you thought he was good enough for you rather than making excuses for him. Don't you think you deserve any better?

BigOrange · 06/01/2014 22:55

I'm in a similar position to you OP in that I really REALLY want some answers from ExP. Agree with the other posters though anything he says is likely to be a lie. Also, what would he be able to say to make you feel better? Either you were just a shag and he didn't mean any of it, in which case you're going to feel shit, or he did mean it but he chose someone else instead of you, in which case you also feel shit. Take it one day at a time, and focus on yourself. Good luck.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/01/2014 07:35

You are unlikely to get a satisfactory answer to your questions. He'll either lie to save your feelings, lie to make himself look good or he'll tell you the bare truth and you won't like what you hear. You swallowed the 'my wife doesn't understand me' line. He's not been original

Your problems are that a) you still care and b) you haven't replaced whatever it was this man brought to your life with something better. Takes a long time to switch off caring but you can shift heaven and earth to do the latter. It may mean some big changes in your life to achieve a fresh start - new job, new location perhaps - but I'd strongly suggest that's what you do. A lot of people are recommending counselling but I'm not sure you'd gain much from it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/01/2014 07:55

And I agree with others not to send any last messages. It is important in the process of 'stopping caring' that you don't keep up any dialogue. If he contacts you again with declarations of love the only reply is 'there's a letter on the way to your wife'.

Lweji · 07/01/2014 07:58

Sometimes you just have to move on without knowing the whys.

Whatever he felt for you, his treatment of you was appalling, and that's what matters.

He may have thought he felt something, or even felt it, or maybe it was just the thrill and excitement of an illicit relationship, but he was not the man for you and you should concentrate on that.
Plus, would you trust him, if he ever stayed with you?

EirikurNoromaour · 07/01/2014 08:15

He's a liar, they lie.

Isetan · 07/01/2014 08:32

You knew he was married and part of the price of being the OW is getting your arse dumped when life for the MM gets uncomfortable. You my dear got off lightly, imagine being married and having a child with this creep.

Closure cannot be found in asking him "why" but in asking yourself "why did I fall for it".

Original poster

whatadick · 07/01/2014 17:48

Thank you for the replies. I know it's for the best and also that I deserve everything I get but can't understand how he could cut me off so callously after everything he said/the times we had. The ultimate closure would be if he had said 'I love my wife, I want to give it a go with her, NOT YOU' rather than ending it on a note that made it sound like his hands are tied and his heart was with me. I'm looking for something to cling onto I guess in moments of weakness that will help me to think he doesn't care for me at all. I suppose like you say, the proof is in the pudding - he has chosen his wife even if he made out it wasn't what he wanted.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 07/01/2014 18:42

Ultimately, he wasn't man enough to say 'I want to give it a go with the DW'. He had to portray himself as tragic victim in some imaginary romantic tug-of-love.... forced in a particular direction against his will. It's all utter bollocks. Don't be surprised if you find you've been replaced with another OW. They are sneaky buggers these MM.

There's been a gay bloke posting recently ('str8tothepoint' I think his user name is) and he's in exactly the same situation. MM, soul-mates, blah, blah, blah. You could exchange notes

AcrossthePond55 · 07/01/2014 19:56

whata, bottom line is that it doesn't matter WHY. It never does when any relationship ends. We've all (well probably most of us) have been 'dumped' at some time by some guy (married nor not) and it HURTS. "I'd rather be with you, but can't be", "It's not you, it's me", "I met someone else", or "A gypsy fortune-teller told me to break up with you". Doesn't matter. What does matter is that you pick yourself up and stop looking outwards for something that will make the hurt 'go away'. If he had told you he loved his wife, you'd still be hurting just as much. You can only stop the hurt your. own. self. Forget him. Tell yourself he's died or gone to Mars. Banish him from your thoughts and life. Involve yourself with life around you. Lean on your friends. Get counseling. And give yourself time. Lots of time. Above all, do not contact him. He must cease to exist for you.

Isetan · 08/01/2014 05:05

I don't believe you really want closure because at the heart of all this is you still want this man.

Despite all evidence to the contrary you are still clinging to the soul mate myth with him cast as the tragic hero, who sacrificed his own happiness. Your relationship was always in addition to his marriage and not instead of and thats the reality you are not ready to accept, 'closure' will come when you do.

SoSuitablyAshamed · 08/01/2014 07:06

OP I feel your pain. I'm 3 years down the line from where you are. The worst part is how the relationship just ended, at its height, unlike after a breakdown of communication or other relations. In this way it's similar to a death and you should treat it like a bereavement in how you deal with it.

I don't think you'll ever really get closure, you'll slowly realise that while your relationship was very 'real' to you, it wasn't a real relationship (in that it probably wouldn't have been what it was if it wasn't for the secrecy).

Feel free to PM me if you need chat.

Lweji · 08/01/2014 07:09

My guess is he hasn't closed the door because he is still hoping you'll get back to being the other woman.

DrNick · 08/01/2014 07:11

Why are 17 year olds not worth caring about? Oh, I forgot. Other women - it's all about you.

Lweji · 08/01/2014 07:17

17 year olds will probably take it harder than a 7 year old, particularly if they found out their dad cheated on the mother.
They may even stop talking to the father. A 7 year old is much less likely.

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