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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH wants to leave!

34 replies

Rocklover · 25/07/2006 13:38

Anyone who has read my other posts will know I have been having probs in my marriage. Today DH shocked me by saying he was leaving with or without me. I know it is hard living at my parents, but this was unexpected. He never does anything to help around the house and is quite rude to us all and he had the audacity to say that we are isolating him!! He said he has always been willing to help around the house, but doesn't see why he should when it is not his home and he is not comfortable. I suppose some of this is fair enough as I have been distant, but only as DH hate having relationship discussions so I have given up trying and he will NEVER come to me. This means everything is my fault and I am always the cause of our problems. I tried to talk today, but agin he said no, reasoning that there's no point as we never get anywhere. He has also blamed me for moving into my parents (not my fault I was ill through my pregnancy then he agreed that I shouldn't work because of childcare fees!) which is why we couldn't afford our house.

I feel so guilty...is this all my fault?

OP posts:

alexsmum · 25/07/2006 13:40

no no no and no.
'not his home'-it may well be not his home but it is the place where he is living and so he has a responsibily to help with it's upkeep.

where is he planning on leaving to? if you can't afford your own home what makes him think he will bea ble to afford anywhere?

Original poster

Rocklover · 25/07/2006 13:49

There is a part buy scheme that he has been looking at and he thinks he can afford it alone. He said that I can go with him or not, but will not talk about it. In fact whenever I try to talk about anything he just walks away after getting angry!!! It is my fault in a way, I should have told him that my feelings for him were in question, but he would not have taken it well and ...guess what? He would have refused to talk!

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 25/07/2006 13:52

Have to say, as someone who lived with my MIL for a couple of years, even though she is really really lovely, I found it terribly terribly suffocating.

Nothing was mine. No space was mine. I didnt feel able to help tidy etc because she was looking over my shoulder etc (and insisted on doing a large part of it anyway).

It caused quite alot of tension in my relationship with DP as we had no space. "MY" space was our bedroom - I would come home and go straight up there. If he wanted space - he would need to be in the same room as me. His parents occupied the two other reception rooms. Whilst we love each other etc etc, its very very normal to need space of your own.

Im not suggesting this is your fault by any stretch of teh imagination. Im just saying that living with ILs can be very stressful - even if they ARE the nicest people (which mine really are).

I hope you work this out Rocklover, I think if you love your DH - its got to be worth a shot at finding your own place together.

suejonez · 25/07/2006 13:53

Relationship problems are rarely ALL one persons fault. What do you want to do?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 25/07/2006 13:53

He sounds like a man at the end of his tether tbh.

Original poster

Rocklover · 25/07/2006 14:06

VVV, yes he probably is, but he got there with alot of help from himself!

OP posts:

Original poster

Rocklover · 25/07/2006 14:08

I am sick of skivvying to him, I am sick of him being rude/sniping constantly. Yes he probably is pissed that I am distant and spend much time with my family...but hey when we lived together alone he used to spend every waking our on his cahmpionship manager game. Now says I am neglecting him lol!!

OP posts:

anniemac · 25/07/2006 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Rocklover · 25/07/2006 14:16

My parents have never asked him to do a thing around the house....just me today. I got up everyday (when he was at school) before him to iron his shirts. Me, Mum and Dad all cook for him and tidy up for him. He complains that I spent no time with himbefore work, but he got up 10 mins before he had to leave!

It was his idea originally for us and my parents to sell our houses and move into a larger house!!!

OP posts:

MissyCocker · 25/07/2006 14:39

Could you take a break, just a short holiday to see if you can talk about things on more neutral territory?

It sounds like you've both reached the end of your tether. My in laws are lovely, but living with them for 6 months drove me to despair.

Would you prefer to have a home of your own, or are you settled with your parents?

Original poster

Rocklover · 25/07/2006 14:39

I have decided on the tack that I shall take. I will accept all resposibility (and therefore blame) for moving into my parents house.

However, I will NOT accept the blame for the state of our relatinship alone. I have tried time and time again to talk to him and he has refused. I stuck with him last year through all his screaming shouting, and swearing at me. I have put up with his storming out and unwillingness to see any "arguments" through to solutions. I put up with him being absolutely vile when he couldn't cope with becoming a father and leaving me to do all the child care and house work, I put up with him showering a couple of times a week and not cleaning his teeth every day.

I accept that I have been distant recently, but I am also at the end of my tether and really don't know how to sort thi out. He has killed any love I had for him, by not caring enough to sort things out, or put me first in anything.

There rant over.

OP posts:

anniemac · 25/07/2006 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Pierre · 25/07/2006 15:17

do your parents know how things are?

Original poster

Rocklover · 25/07/2006 16:14

My parents know everything Pierre. But all that is irrelevant now as DH has just told me he wants a divorce. He is being very cal and very reasonable about everything and wants us to stay friends. Funny thing is I can't feel much at the moment except a weird sense of relief and overwhelming sadness that at 32 it is probably too late for me to meet someone else and have another child .

I need to do something with my life to give my daughter a secure future, I was looking into going to uni to become a primary school teacher, now I am going to look into it even more seriously!

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 25/07/2006 16:18

Rocklover
Don't think like that!

When my marriage finally ended at 30, I thought I'd never have time to find someone to have a family with.

I couldn't have been more wrong!

At 32, I gave birth to DD1 and 2.5 years later, to DD2.

suejonez · 25/07/2006 16:26

Lord, no chance for me at 41 then.

bandbsmum · 25/07/2006 17:20

Rocklover, you've definitely not too old at 32 to meet someone else and have another baby. Don't know if you've seen, but I've posted on one of the other threads you've posted on (think i'm going to asked dh for a divorce). My difference is I've already got my ex waiting for me to leave my dh! I've already got 2 lovely dc's and didn't really want any more, but ex has made it clear he'd really like children. (He's never been married or got any children)As I love him so much, I'd be willing to have another with him (and I'm 35!!)

Pierre · 25/07/2006 17:40

My marriage ended at 35. I had four children. I now have a fifth and am happily (not this weekend because he was an utter sod!) remarried.

Divorce was the best thing that could have happened to me.

Sounds like you are better off without him. Hold your head up high and tell yourself that someone else is welcome to him and that you deserve better.

Original poster

Rocklover · 25/07/2006 18:34

Thanks so much for the replies, I am strating to feel a bit teary now as I feel like a bit of a failure for my dd. Hubby has gone to London to be with his parents and is going to rent a flat when he returns. Although I suspected this was coming it all feels a bit surreal. I need to sort out money matters (have no job currently) and not sure how long I will stay with my parents. I know 32 is not old per se, but I took so long to find DH that I am already terrified of getting back on the horse so to speak. Feel pretty wobbly right now.

OP posts:

SSSandy · 25/07/2006 18:48

You've been wondering for a while whether to break up with him. It's a shock that it's now him coming out with the same idea. Perhaps a time apart is going to be good for you to think it all through. I am not convinced that he has completely made up his mind about a divorce - first he says you can come with him, then he says he wants a divorce.

Let's see what happens when he has a flat of his own and is settled in the new job.

Are you a bit sad now that everything has come to a head?

Original poster

Rocklover · 25/07/2006 20:24

I do feel a bit sad now that this has all happened, but I also feel cautious. My sis also took ages to split up with her fiance (a while ago now) and as soon as she had she started with the "but am I sure I don't want this" thoughts and eventually ended up with him again. It turned into an even worse relationship than before and she had to break up again. It was only then she realised it had just been normal thoughts and emotions that most people get after a split, I think this may be what I am feeling now. I do care for him deeply and kind of feel like I am missing a limb as we have been together for 8 yrs, however deep down I do know that we are not right for each other, no matter how much we still care. I have thought about suggesting counselling before splitting permanantly, but I am not convinced things would change. Just disappointed that the marriage didn't work out, I can still remember our wedding day and I just can't believe things have come to this. I can still see all the good times and want so desperately to have them back.

OP posts:

anniemac · 25/07/2006 20:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Rocklover · 25/07/2006 21:00

No we didn't have couselling unfortunately, I suppose we should, but don't think DH is into all that, wouldn't even go to the drs when he was depressed. As far as I can see it is the end, it is so tempting to just say, "oh no, lets just get back together" because it seems better than being alone. But we have been having probs since I was pregnant at least (over 2 years) and we have made resolutions to try things and they always break down. I know I am at fault too, but the way I think of it is could we have another child together? The answer is almost certainly no.

OP posts:

mistressmiggins · 25/07/2006 21:02

sorry its come to this - have been following your thread but not posted

you are not too old to get married/have more children

there are people out there who would be good for you

your life is not how you planned it and rthat takes time adjusting to...BUT you can have a life as good if not better.,...youdo what is right for you and trust that all will work out

anniemac · 25/07/2006 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

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