DH wants to leave!

[Rocklover]

Anyone who has read my other posts will know I have been having probs in my marriage. Today DH shocked me by saying he was leaving with or without me. I know it is hard living at my parents, but this was unexpected. He never does anything to help around the house and is quite rude to us all and he had the audacity to say that we are isolating him!! He said he has always been willing to help around the house, but doesn't see why he should when it is not his home and he is not comfortable. I suppose some of this is fair enough as I have been distant, but only as DH hate having relationship discussions so I have given up trying and he will NEVER come to me. This means everything is my fault and I am always the cause of our problems. I tried to talk today, but agin he said no, reasoning that there's no point as we never get anywhere. He has also blamed me for moving into my parents (not my fault I was ill through my pregnancy then he agreed that I shouldn't work because of childcare fees!) which is why we couldn't afford our house.

I feel so guilty...is this all my fault?

Thanks all for your kind words and advice. I am just off to bed as today's emotional roller coaster has knocked me for six. Maybe things will look better in the morning.

come back and tell us how you feel tomorrow, RL. Hope you get a good night's sleep.

Morning ladies,

I would love to tell you I felt loads better but if anything I feel worse, in fact I feel absolutely desolate. Spoke to hub last night who essentially said that the marriage wasn't working as I didn't want to put DD in FT childcare and work FT and he wanted me to. He said our views are too different and that he can't live without security and would rather I worked no matter if DD was in childcare, he is right, very different from me. What he fails to mention is that he made us move from a house not far from where we are now that we could afford (even on one salary) because he was depressed and couldn't be arsed to do deal with it!

He also said that he will never be able to talk or be an open person because of the way he was brought up as a child (which is what I have been saying for years), he said also that counselling is and was never an option for him. So at least I now know, no matter how painful, he never was and never can be the kind of husband I need, I cannot live without communication, my parents and sis talk ALOT and I need that in a marriage, I don't feel comfortable ignoring a prob, whereas he doesn't feel comfortable addressing problems...totally unworkable.

I am left here thinking, why on earth did I marry him? The signs were there before we tied the knot, now I feel so stupid and guilty for not giving my DD a proper family...thank God for my parents. I am now panicking about money, I have to be very careful about what job I get because I have a really bad back, I will probably have to discontinue treatment as I will not afford it on a PT salary. DH is going to give me money for DD, but I need to find out if I am entitled to anything else...this is so horrible! Cried last night and have been crying this morning, all I can think about is that I have failed my beautiful baby, who deserves so much better than this! I just want this pain to go away, it is making me feel sick, cannot eat, relax or sleep...so much for me being strong!!

Sorry this was so long, just needed to talk!

A bump for me.

but you are giving her a proper family, even if that family is only you and her, don't get hung up on the ideal family crap - doesn't really matter what shape a family is as long as its a happy or at least functioning family. Far better to have a happy environment than one with unresolved rows and anger.

Its going to be tough for a while but you will come out the other side and you will make life better for you all.

gotta be honest here - sounds like you have both reached the end of the marriage. In some ways although thats sad and hard its better than one of you wanting more and the other not being able to give it.

Thanks Meowmix, I am trying to just get on with practical stuff, I have made an appt with a solicitor for next week. DH was supposed to call today to discuss things we need to do, but so far hasn't, I guess that he must be trying to sort his stuff out too.

Can I trot out a French cliché here that really worked for me and I do believe in:

"It is much better to walk alone that in bad company".

Just try to be good to yourself and nurture (ghastly word!) yourself and your dd and let people look after you and help you. On the cynical side, be careful in trusting him and believing what he says. He will be looking out for himself now.

Contact Gingerbread - they give excellent advice and support.

good - you@ll get loads of practical advice on here and there are books as well i think. maybe you could to try and see the divorcey/legal bit as a business transaction rather than anything else so you don@t feel you're asking for things just dissolving a mutual arrangement.

Thanks for your help, it really makes a difference having people to talk through this with. I have been in floods of tears today, but I am feeling better, I am slowly working out a longterm goal for myself and DD, now all I have to do is find a way to achieve it!

Thanks so much!