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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Motivation for cheating

59 replies

kittenzzz · 06/01/2014 06:54

Do people who cheat really have issues that cause them to cheat? I've read posters on here suggest that the cheater goes to counselling to help identify what caused them to cheat. Just wonder if there are some out there who 'just did'. Not because they have problems, not because they are bored etc. Simply because they were in the right place at the right time and took the opportunity. Anyone who has cheated care to share?

The reason I ask is because my OH cheated. I can't figure out why and he can't really say why either?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 06/01/2014 22:17

No. And no again.

If someone is not happy in a relationship and feel it is not meeting their needs 1) they talk about it 2) they compromise and find out if they can do anything to help the situation 3) they are honest and end the relationship openly 4) they do not get to justify shagging someone else deceitfully

Onefewernow · 06/01/2014 22:56

I think if there was no sex life after a while in either marriage, he might be part of the reason for it.

Kittenz, there is always a reason for choosing to treat your life partner that badly and that sneakily. Even if the reason is just that you are a selfish twat.

Original poster

kittenzzz · 06/01/2014 23:44

Ownteethandhair, sorry to hear about how you're feeling. Thing is, he may not actually have cheated?

I think you're right PP, he is a selfish teat could well be the reason. We talked and he can't say why (other than acknowledging he was a dick). I said I think we are done. I'm absolutely heartbroken. It's very strange, I don't really believe this is it. We are still going to live together for the next little while so it doesn't really feel like much has changed. Neither of us has anywhere else to go. I know I shouldn't be, but I'm still thinking over the next little while of us being around each other that something magical will happen and everything will be alright again. Dreamland. I love my little family and I so don't want it to be over even though I'm the one that said it's over and I'm calling the shots. Help.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 07/01/2014 00:20

I don' think what you are planning wrt to still living together is healthy, and I don't think it is a good example (and is very confusing) for dc. Sorry.

Original poster

kittenzzz · 07/01/2014 00:25

DS is a baby so none the wiser. It's not healthy and prolonging things (and false hope will linger). However, we have nowhere else to go other than a hotel which we can't afford. We have to live in the same house whilst working out the practicalities of going back to UK. It is bad, because it's not really sinking in that we're done. It's all very amicable and normal and expecting a miracle to happen.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 07/01/2014 00:34

Then I hope you can sort the practicalities out ASAP, as DS won't be a baby forever and a miracle is not to be.

sebsmummy1 · 07/01/2014 09:33

Kitten I think you may have said something extreme in the hope that it would initiate a large reaction in your husband. The trouble with throwing ultimatums about, or in your case, final grand comments, is you have to mean them, or else they put you in a weaker position than before.

I personally think you have done the right thing by planning to walk away. I don't think he sounds particularly contrite and I think if you stay it will be a band aid relationship before down the line he does it again and the plaster gets well and truly ripped off.

How feasible is it to come back to the UK and start again with your baby? Do you have family here that will help?

Original poster

kittenzzz · 07/01/2014 11:30

Of course I don't want what was my life and what I thought would be my life to be over. I'm angry at him and devastated that he's put us in this situation (we were happy and everything was good) but I can't see a way forward. I've tried for the last 8 months and I can't get my head round the lies, deceit, betrayal. It just haunts me everyday and I want to go back to how it was before. I so wish things were different but they're not. Reading a lot of threads on here has helped me to see realistically.

It will be fairly straightforward to come back. I'm looking at the end of this month. I have somewhere I can stay with lo. He will look for a new job and come back later in the year and find his own place.

OP posts:

sebsmummy1 · 07/01/2014 12:22

Kitten I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position. You can forgive him, it is allowed!! I just don't know how to stop you reliving the betrayal when he doesn't seem prepared to give you the words and time you deserve. It's not good enough just pretending it hasn't happened, they are so ridiculous to think that approach will worn long term.

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