Motivation for cheating

[kittenzzz]

Do people who cheat really have issues that cause them to cheat? I've read posters on here suggest that the cheater goes to counselling to help identify what caused them to cheat. Just wonder if there are some out there who 'just did'. Not because they have problems, not because they are bored etc. Simply because they were in the right place at the right time and took the opportunity. Anyone who has cheated care to share?

The reason I ask is because my OH cheated. I can't figure out why and he can't really say why either?

By the way, is there anyone reading who has been through something similar and the relationship worked out in the end? I know I'm clutching to a tiny bit of hope. As I said I desperately don't want this to end and don't know what we need to do to fix this. I just can't picture the happy ever after in my head.

I would be more interested to know why he didn't say no.

If I had the opportunity to cheat what would stop me, no matter how tempted I might feel by the rush of excitement, is what I would lose by doing so. I would know that my relationship with DP would never be the same again, we would never get back the intimacy we share and I would risk losing my relationship which would break my heart and potentially damage my child's future happiness.

Why did your husband not care enough about any of these things to say no? That's what I would want to know.

I'm exactly the same as you Sebsmummy. I wouldn't have risked it. I don't know- I guess a lot of cheaters don't expect to get caught, so I guess he didn't think of that stuff. When we talk in a couple hours I don't think I'll bother going back over the ins and outs again, I think we'll try focus on what now. I like missscatterbrains suggestion, thanks that is what I've been doing last few months. In fact, we've kind of just been getting on as a normal family. We still get on really well with each other, have a laugh, do day trips etc. but this is always kind of lurking and I remember what a vile thing he did and how angry I am.

That 'lurking' aspect will keep happening if you choose to gloss over it, pretend everything is normal and go on your jolly day trips. You need to find a platform to articulate yourself, not keep suppressing it.

When I say focus on your life, I mean yourself - it also means that should you decide you cannot stay in the marriage, you have a decent network, job and social life to fall back on.

Sebsmummy makes a good point re asking why he didn't say no. Just because it happened a while ago, you can't not talk about your feelings again. You are entitled to keep airing your feelings and thoughts, its an important part of recovery.

He knows I'm unhappy with the situation. I can't really see how we can keep on playing happy families. Maybe I just need to tell him it's over. I know he will try talk me out of it as he said in the past he wants me and DS to stay with him. If we split I will have to move countries and he will hardly see DS.

BTW... if you ever do talk about what happened do you get his full cooperation or are you made to feel like you're dredging up ancient history and being a bit of a nuisance?

Cogito he definitely does not like talking about it.

I think this is such a complex issue and difficult for us to advise because only you know your husband and the strength if your relationship.

I think you said up thread that you were quick to get married and have a child? Well I was also very quick to meet my partner and have a child, however I don't feel this impacted on us at all. Again it's totally individual. Don't feel as though this is a good excuse for his behaviour though. He made the decision to go behind your back and he has to take the weight if that on his own shoulders. If he wasn't happy he could have come to you and chosen to vocalise his feelings and even tell you he wanted to leave, what he didn't have to do is sleep with someone else.

It sounds to me that you haven't had the answers you need to move past your feelings of betrayal. There is a chance you will never get those answers as he may not be emotionally intelligent enough to give then, even if he wanted to.

Not liking talking about it is not a good sign. Someone who wants to rebuild the relationship properly would realise that what they did has long-reaching effects. Someone who'd rather you forgot about the whole thing isn't showing you very much respect or consideration.

Intelligence.

Sebsmummy that was another poster that got married and had a kid quick. We married after 5 years and waited a couple more before having a (planned) kid. He wasn't unhappy (or so I believe). We had a good, fun relationship. He was just a c*nt and ruined it all.

Definitely lacking in emotional intelligence.

Apologies.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with the fall out of this while he is just burying his head. You deserve to make your peace with what he has done and if that means he has to go over it again and again then that's what he should do.

I agree with those that say he will minimise as much as possible, well you would wouldn't you!! There is no way you are going to start giving out extra info at this stage that could blow the whole thing sky high again.

Have you ever seen the technique employed using an egg timer where you have the length of time the sand runs through the glass to talk absolutely uninterrupted? I wonder whether something like this would be useful. You sit down together and you actually talk, uninterrupted, about how you feel.

My OH had a couple of affairs when he was married to XW because, he says, she lost all interest in sex, became very depressed and eventually told him to find someone else for sex, which he did. When XW found out she hit the roof and divorced him.
I suppose I have accepted that explanation, as though he had a 'reason' to cheat. Now I am constantly depressed and we haven't had sex for aeons so I guess I can't complain if he does it again can I?
Sorry, OP didn't mean to hijack your post.

That is a horrible position to be in own are you ok ?

AnyF...Thanks for asking but am used to feeling like this. My OH works away from home all week (which he did in first marriage) so he is good at compartmentalising his life. His justification for cheating first time round sounds plausible so I have just accepted it tbh.

Whatever the motivation, ultimately it boils down to somebody putting their wants before their partners needs.

Can any relationship come back from that? I think so if the cheater fully appreciates the hurt they've caused and cares enough to put their partners needs before their own wants.

Yes, you can complain and you bloody well should. You sound defeated. I hope you have some RL support and they are trying to help you stand up for yourself

Your OH sounds like a fucking twat who needs putting out like the dog he is.

OH would never admit to cheating even if he was so I'll never know. He is a good man in most ways and a good dad and step-dad. Also we are not so young any more and I would be scared to leave. He swears he hasn't been unfaithful to me but who knows?

If he has/or is going to, you have let him off the hook already

I feel guilty about not being able to be the loving affectionate wife he wants.

What are the reasons for your lack of a sex life, if you don't mind me asking ? Feel free to ignore if you wish.

You see, I would dispute that someone couldn't be "loving and affectionate" when there is no sex

one forgive my angry post about your OH. I misread your post and thought he had already cheated on you.

It doesn't change my consternation at you effectively saying that if he did though, it would be your fault. it would not.

AF..thanks for your support. My OH's take is that if a man is repeatedly rejected sexually he will inevitably look for it elsewhere. This is what ended his first marriage. I do have a degree of sympathy for his viewpoint I guess. Just me.