Any advice other than ltb?

[Canihavesomemore]

DH of 5 years and I had another argument today. This has Been an ongoing issue for the last 3 years. Dh always wants me to dress up sexy for him, this involves suspenders and stockings and all of that jazz. He never requested this when we were dating but year 2 into our marriage he bought me my first set. I didn't think anything of it and wanted to make him happy and our sex life fun and healthy.... Well soon enough he started complaining that I was a slob, never made an effort (didn't dress up enough for him) and generally didn't put an effort in life. He says he is frustrated because I'm so good looking and it wouldn't take me much...here is the funny part, at work they call me the most glamorous and ask me how I can ever be bothered to put in so much effort dh is a good father to Ds (2.5yrs old) and treats me well otherwise. If I'm not dressed up he will fuck me.. As if he is just satisfying emotionless needs, otherwise I feel I repel him. I'm a size 8-10, 5 ft 9 and generally considered attractive and get a lot of unwanted attention from other men. Im complimented generally by everyone other that DH I live in London but have no family in the UK so ltb would mean going abroad and taking Ds away from his beloved daddy I quit my job last week to stay home and grow his business, we were happy and positive we were going to make it, he wanted to take me to a fancy restaurant to celebrate a new year and new life. I told him I had nothing to wear so he took me to Karen millen to buy me a dress. He picked one I didn't like so I said I would try it on but it wasn't my style. Once I tried it on I felt ridiculous and told him and that's when he exploded and said all he wants is a hot wife instead I'm a slob who only wants to sit home in fluffy socks!! We had just walked out if Reiss and bought a lovely dress too!!!! When I asked him why the ridiculous over reaction he said it was pent up because I hadn't dressed up for him in weeks, when I said this wasn't a normal relationship dynamic he said he didn't want to be normal. I told him to go find someone else then. Now I'm drunk in the sitting room with DS watching in the night Garden and he is sleeping in the bedroom

BTW, Cani ... I had a very good career, and have paid a staggeringly large amount into the system. I hereby grant you permission to claim your entitlements from my contributions :)

Hope you're OK this morning OP.

I think the process you're going through at the moment is normal. It sounds like you've known/suspected for some time that your partner's behaviour is unhealthy or abusive, and that you have become stuck mentally looping through all the obstacles & choices between where you are now and a happier life. You dismissed 'LTB' in your title because you see it as a non-starter due to everythng from family disapproval, money/reluctance to claim benefits, 'love' for your partner, concern for your child, and ideas of shame and lost pride. What you clearly want is for your partner to revert to being the nice normal man he originally appeared to be but, sadly, that does not seem very likely.

I do urge you to take advice and get information, even if you don't feel able to do anything with it just yet. Womens Aid is a very good suggestion (0808 2000 247), some family law solicitors offer a free initial consultation and there is lots of other help available. With a little extra knowledge an alternative future would seem less daunting and your confidence to keep rejecting his behaviour would increase.

Agree with the posters who said call WA. He's treating you like a doll he can dress up, not a woman with thoughts and feelings all your own. If you don't want to wear the lingerie, you shouldn't feel like you have to.

I'm not far out of London, if you need RL support. Just PM me if you want to talk.

Thank you everyone for your support and advice.i haven't ltb or called WA. Tbh I'm not quite ready yet and could never walk away without knowing I haven't tried everything. So on Monday morning he said things are obviously awkward and as we have a meeting with the partners today... would you like to talk this out? I said no, I'm not ready to speak and we should just act professionally and continue as normal and not fix the 2.. Well that's what we did. The partners were over until 11 pm. We went to bed and met them again yesterday morning. After they left last night we went to bed, chatted about business and planned a trip to a market this morning. We have come back from the market and he is now off to meet a friend. We are acting normal... without touching each other. The ball is in my court now. I'm going to speak to him tonight but I need to hold my own and discuss compromise and giving the relationship a last chance. He is an only child and is very selfish but we have talked things out before and he has changed things about some of his ways. I just don't know what to say about this... I did enjoy it from time to time but it's this sense of entitlement that infuriates him. Other posters have mentioned him turning to physical abuse and I just want to clarify that he would never ever lay a finger on me. Leaving is simply not an option atm. Once/if I do it it, it will be carefully planned. The brief convo I had with him he was genuinely flabbergasted at my reaction, he said he apologised for the tone, sex is important to him and considering all aspects of our relationship are perfect he just wanted a healthy and exciting sex life. I haven't retaliated, I just shrugged and walked away. He's obviously a little thick. What can I say that he can't call me out on being emotional, irrational or over sensitive? You may not agree but I want to try to make this work, even if it's temporary until I am up on my feet

When xdh and I went to couples counselling the counsellor asked us why we had chosen to marry each other. xdh said of me 'you had such a fantastic figure'. He didn't mention anything about my personality or my values or ambitions, just my tits. That's when I knew the marriage was over.

This leapt out at me from your post.

What can I say that he can't call me out on being emotional, irrational or over sensitive?

Is that what usually happens if you try to raise something you are concerned about, or if you differ in your opinion from his?

"all aspects of our relationship are perfect he just wanted a healthy and exciting sex life"

Perfect is not relative. If your relationship was perfect there would be no extras required. What he said to you and how he treats you over your appearance was demeaning and insulting in the extreme. He s not thick and the fact that he has no siblings is irrelevant. The only thing he is flabbergasted about is that you've had the balls to stand up to him for once. He's doing what all abusive men do when challenged.... appear to back down until they think the little woman has calmed down a bit.

Eyes WIDE open....

What you have tried to date has not worked and besides which what else can you try?. He is not interested at all in having any sort of healthy and functional relationship because he knows not what that is, he justs wants some woman to cook, dress up and clean for him. You fit that bill currently.

BTW what are his parents like, what is his relationship like with them?.

All this "one more chance" nonsense keeps women in abusive relationships that should have withered and died on the vine many years prior. Why can't you get rid of him altogether, what needs of yours are being met here?. Trying to keep this afloat will only give you more pain and will take your own recovery from him far longer. It will take years to recover from him as it is.

What has he done exactly to make you happy?. Its been all about him all the way along.

This person will not be happy until he has seen you completely destroyed, you do know this don't you?. He dopes not give a shiny fig for either you or his child. He only cares about getting his own needs met.

What can I say that he can't call me out on being emotional, irrational or over sensitive?

Tbh, this is the sort of thing Women's Aid can help you with. They will also, most likely, be able to accurately predict what your H will say & do.

As H responds as above to your complaints, you are being emotionally abused. Nice, loving partners respect your feelings and care about your worries. While you insist on "trying", make sure that you don't get drawn into irrelevant defences. So what if you're over-emotional, etc? These are just opinions; his take on your emotional state shouldn't detract from your point. If you absolutely have to respond to that, keep it down to "in your opinion" or "never mind that." Best completely ignored, though. Be clear in your own mind about what each problem is, what you want done about it, and the outcome. Refresh your assertive skills, paying particulal attention to Broken Record and DESC scripting.

Common relationship advice focuses on "I feel ... " statements. This is usually a good approach, as we are usually dealing with people who give a shit about how we feel! It's like a flame to petrol, though, with someone who belittles us as "emotional". Avoid statements of feeling, therefore, except where they are part of your rational argument (you are discussing a relationship, after all,) and ignore anti-emotional comeback; it's only meant to weaken your position and distract you.