Any advice other than ltb?

[Canihavesomemore]

DH of 5 years and I had another argument today. This has Been an ongoing issue for the last 3 years. Dh always wants me to dress up sexy for him, this involves suspenders and stockings and all of that jazz. He never requested this when we were dating but year 2 into our marriage he bought me my first set. I didn't think anything of it and wanted to make him happy and our sex life fun and healthy.... Well soon enough he started complaining that I was a slob, never made an effort (didn't dress up enough for him) and generally didn't put an effort in life. He says he is frustrated because I'm so good looking and it wouldn't take me much...here is the funny part, at work they call me the most glamorous and ask me how I can ever be bothered to put in so much effort dh is a good father to Ds (2.5yrs old) and treats me well otherwise. If I'm not dressed up he will fuck me.. As if he is just satisfying emotionless needs, otherwise I feel I repel him. I'm a size 8-10, 5 ft 9 and generally considered attractive and get a lot of unwanted attention from other men. Im complimented generally by everyone other that DH I live in London but have no family in the UK so ltb would mean going abroad and taking Ds away from his beloved daddy I quit my job last week to stay home and grow his business, we were happy and positive we were going to make it, he wanted to take me to a fancy restaurant to celebrate a new year and new life. I told him I had nothing to wear so he took me to Karen millen to buy me a dress. He picked one I didn't like so I said I would try it on but it wasn't my style. Once I tried it on I felt ridiculous and told him and that's when he exploded and said all he wants is a hot wife instead I'm a slob who only wants to sit home in fluffy socks!! We had just walked out if Reiss and bought a lovely dress too!!!! When I asked him why the ridiculous over reaction he said it was pent up because I hadn't dressed up for him in weeks, when I said this wasn't a normal relationship dynamic he said he didn't want to be normal. I told him to go find someone else then. Now I'm drunk in the sitting room with DS watching in the night Garden and he is sleeping in the bedroom

LTT (leave the twat)?

What do you want?

Can you wear the stuff he wants for x times a month? have a sort of agreement? have you asked where this has come from, that it wasn't part of the deal when you got married? What does he do for you?

He never buys me designer stuff, he bought them today as a mark of our success to come this year and he said its mentally good for anyone to dress, look and feel successful and that it plays a role as much as the hard work. The dresses were on credit so not the point. I didn't mind the dressing up bit in the beginning, it was naughty, fun and I loved how it turned him on... It's just the obligation and awful pressure it's turned into. My family and I don't get along although my mum would always let me back in but she is a narcissist and it would be back to her house get rules. I originally come from an eastern background and met DH in my home country and ran off with him after my parents wouldn't give me their blessing so I won't get much pity or support from friends or family

The emotionless bit started after DS

Also, could you get your job back?

This is not the type of man you want to be financially dependent on.

If you can't, get another asap.

I had an ex like that, I had to dress up for him. Otherwise I didn't 'love him'.
It is so refreshing to be with someone who loves me and wants me for me, he even buys me fluffy socks and unsexy pjs
I know you don't want ltb advise (it sounds like you've a lot to sort mentally and financially) before you can make that jump. But from someone on the other side, the grass is a beautiful shade of fluffy green xxxxx

You're not a mannequin for him to dress as he sees fit. Interesting that you mention your mother's house rules - you appear to have swapped one set of someone else's rules for another. What about YOUR rules?

Ltb doesn't mean going home. You could build your life here.

How? I absolutely hate it when foreigners come in and claim benefits and usually say they should go home if they don't face war or abuse. Even if I was to swallow my pride I honestly don't know where to go or how to begin. I would rather be self sufficient but that's Impossible in London with a child... I think

Your child won't be little forever, in a couple of years he will be at school and you can be self sufficient again. Claim the benefits, if you want to leave him then do. Don't be silly and proud, presumably your DS is British?

Yes, as of 2 months ago I'm British too now

I think you need to investigate where to go and how to go about it as he sounds an arse who doesn't even treat you like a human being. There will be people here who could offer advice.

Great news that you're British now too - you have lots of options!

In doubt call women's aid, they can advise you.
And CAB.

And legal advice.

He likes you to dress up and not to be 'a slob with fluffy socks'. When i hear about women who live like this i alwayd think : what if you get ill???
Is he going to run away?

I agree with the poster who said you must go back to work and not to rely on him.

Are your ideas about foreigners influenced by him?

Does your DH make the effort too?

My DP doesn't dress up unless pushed into it (although his dress sense has improved with time guidance). But there are no double standards here. DP always tells me I look lovely dressed up, but he also thinks I'm awfully cute in my Jack Wills shortie PJs and a cardie.

Some people get turned on by all the corsets and stockings etc., but IMO it becomes an issue of the 'fetish' (if you will, because it sounds like this may be one) becomes necessary rather than a nice add on.

It sounds like you do make the effort, maintain your figure and look nice, so it sounds like he's manipulating you. Is he Brad Pitt 20yrs back himself?

Yes he is all about doing things at the best of your abilities. He is very attractive, tall and has a good figure. He takes pride in his appearance and whilst I do I prefer comfort. I know it sounds ridiculous but we are good together outside of this (huge) issue. My anger is turning into sadness I don't want him out of my life.. I love him

Do you think he loves you?

Yes, in his eccentric head he does

he doesn't love you, he loves an idea of women he's formed in
his head, sorry this is brutal.

whats's the problem with going along with what turns him on ?
surely if he is turned on so are you?
he's not asking you to fuck a guinea pig or anything , just don some sexy kit . big deal .knock yourself out

alternatively , he's a twisted misogynistic bastard and you must leave him immediately .
you choose

the thing is the coercion, you either want to or you don't. your partner either understands or doesn't.

Sexual pleasure is mutual, not one sided

It feels more like you are an object to him, actually.
A beautiful object to look at and parade about.
He keeps demanding more and more of you, to a point that your wishes and likes do not really matter, and in a way that is impossible for you to meet his demands.
I don't think it's a coincidence that you posted here about this having left your job just two weeks ago.
Or that his unemotional mode for sex arose after the baby.
Abusers step up when they feel they are in control.
That is why being financially dependent on this man is a big mistake.

I really do not wish for you what I think this man is leading up to. I hope I am mistaken.

I do think it is recoverable, but please wake up now.

My first husband was like this! It took me a looong time to realise he was abusive (even after the violence ) because we had a brilliant relationship in some ways - we were very close friends. But he controlled me, almost completely: something I refused to face at the time. I put the underwear thing down to a fetish - hey, lots of people have them, it's just clothes, at least he likes the classy stuff, yadda yadda. Eventually it hit me that he was sexually attracted to the clothes, not me (this is what a fetish means, actually,) and he didn't much care who or what was in them. This line of thought led me to discover just how unfaithful he was. I'm afraid men who are this much in love with "image" aren't really bothered about the human being inside the packaging. At that time, I exactly fitted your description of yourself - it didn't stop him calling me fat, frumpy, etc. I believed him.

LTB is the only way to go, I fear. It sounds as though you have lots of ducks to set up ... a word of strong warning, though. He may get you believing his shit, but HE doesn't. He knows you make him look good, and he will not let you go easily. After many years without violence and an apparently amicable split (he had a glamorous replacement set up), mine made a serious attempt to kill me just before I left.

It's a massive emotional shift to go from disappointed but loving wife, to undercover agent plotting escape. You will need support. I strongly recommend talking to Women's Aid, who are very experienced and brilliant at helping you get things in perspective.

Once you've pulled off your genius escape, you can settle down to being a fabulous working mum who chooses her own outfits