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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Calming advice needed....

39 replies

SauerKraut · 24/07/2006 23:43

Help! We have 4 kids, live abroad, and DP has taken to working very very late- 1 or 2am- from time to time, usually on a Monday, but he doesnt text or phone in the meantime. I don't know if he's coming to eat, I don't know where he is and I can't contact him because he's not answering his phone. When he eventually does turn up, he is often incoherent as he may have had a beer or two on an empty stomach- this is enough to have that effect. I resent this because I don't believe he has the right to be uncontactable, nor to leave me worrying for so long, nor to come into a house where 4 kids are sleeping in that state. Problem- I have a vicious temper, and on some of these occasions, have said and done things I regret. How can I stop myself from getting into this blind rage?

OP posts:

Original poster

SauerKraut · 24/07/2006 23:53

Pretty please? Before he comes in and I explode?

OP posts:

cremolafoam · 25/07/2006 00:00

sauerkraut sending calm to you with all my power. this is a really tough call for you. it is so difficult not to want to communicate with him when he finally comes home and worse if he has been on the beer.
can you try to have a nice bath-maybe you will still be in the bath when he comes in and this will stop you getting into one of those nihtmare late night rows.
can you talk to him about the situation when you have both had a good nights sleep- maybe at the weekend. i think he is being very unfair.
thinking of you.

Isheforreal · 25/07/2006 00:01

Hi sauerkraut know exactly how you feel.(see my thread definetly not on this planet)

I really resent the fact that he turns his phone offand goes off to the pub having adult conversations relaxing whilst I am at home dealing with the childrens tantrums,bedtime etc.
My resentment just builds and builds and have been known to thump the wall as I am so frustrated with him.I once slapped him across the face ,I know it was wrong but I could'nt stand the way he just stood their drunk with a arrogant look on his face.

How does your rage manifeste itself?

Original poster

SauerKraut · 25/07/2006 00:04

Thank you very much! A good point- that of not trying to discuss it straight away- I usually can't help myself.

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Original poster

SauerKraut · 25/07/2006 00:06

In exactly the same way as yours, Isheforreal. Ashamed. I also nag, yell and basically go on and on and on. Arrogant look- couldn't have put it better myself. And no apology.

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Alipiggie · 25/07/2006 00:08

How about you just lock him out with a note on the door that when he bothers to return your call and comes home at a decent time he can come in. I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time. That way you have time to calm down get a good night's sleep and can face him in the morning. I would just go to bed anyway and not let him in the bedroom.

Original poster

SauerKraut · 25/07/2006 00:11

I would love to , only he hasnt taken a key, and we live in an appartment where the outer door can only be opened by someone in the apartment- otherwise I would. That's why I can feel myself getting wound up- I will have to see him to let him in the door. And that's when my resolve will weaken.....

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Isheforreal · 25/07/2006 00:12

Sauerkraut-I don't know about your DH but its almost like mine knows I am trapped.I have the children to look after and just have to get on with it no matter how angry,hurt,disappointed I am feeling at the time.

I know I should like cremolafoam says wait and talk to him at the weekend but when he comes home late again and I say nothinb it's like he is getting away with it.

Like your Dh no apology,he used to apoligise but does'nt even bother to do that anymore.Then when I nag he says I need to chill and is it the wrong time of the month.

Do you have any family support or help with the children?

ninah · 25/07/2006 00:13

I would be mad too
Why on a Monday? incoherent would surely take more than a beer or two
But yes there is no point discussing at the time, you need to make a time to ask him when you are not upset and he is not incoherent
Sit down and have an honest chat with him see where it goes

Isheforreal · 25/07/2006 00:15

Just seen your post about having to let him in.Me too.He has a problem with locks when drunk anyway and lost his key and I don't want to disturb the neighbours so I have to wait up for him anger and tiredness bulding.
He woke me at 5.10am the other sat morning.

fattiemumma · 25/07/2006 00:17

go and prop the outer door open so he doesn't need to wake you up.....and get good nights sleep.
there is no point trying to speak to him when he gets home as he will be drunk and yu will get nowhere

wait until he is home and awake and you have had time to cool down. then tell him how his behaviour makes yu9 fell. maybe write a list of the points you want to bring up so that you are organised in your approach rather than just nagging and labouring a point.

Original poster

SauerKraut · 25/07/2006 00:18

No, no help, no family. It takes 2 beers-or so he says- because he usually hasnt eaten and he's tired, and it's on a Monday because, I presume, the weekend leaves a lot more work to be caught up on. It isnt always Monday. I can see how easy it is for him to lose track of time or to go for a "quick" beer with colleagues but he should call or text

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Original poster

SauerKraut · 25/07/2006 00:20

Have had loads of chats- he agrees but doesn't change. I need to know how to handle my rage because I realise it won't change and I can't lose it every time.

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ninah · 25/07/2006 00:20

mine always says 2 beers, too
Not one, not 3 ....
If he's good in every other way it's probably something that can be talked out though

Isheforreal · 25/07/2006 00:22

I have no family around ethier and it is hard going when you have no suport.

Like you I always ask my dh to phoone but he never does and when I say what about if I need you in an emergency he just says"call the pub"

ninah · 25/07/2006 00:24

OK, then you need to step back. Ideally agree he could just text you something like Must go AWOL so you know it's one of those evenings, and then just do something else, don't even expect to hear from him etc. It was the uncertaintly that used to kill me, not knowing, wondering - if you know he's out for the night you can make it an evening for you and block it out

Original poster

SauerKraut · 25/07/2006 00:24

He is good- just very very laid back, which is right as I am so red-headed- literally, too! This is a difficult-to-deal-with side of his laid-backness.

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fattiemumma · 25/07/2006 00:25

i am not assuming anything but looking at your Op yu say

I have a vicious temper, and on some of these occasions, have said and done things I regret. How can I stop myself from getting into this blind rage?

have you ever been violent towards him? is this the main reason for you wanting to dealw ith yru behaviour? if so then there is a service i know of...admitedly it is UK based but i am sure they could offer help of some kind. its called RESPECT and it is " a service for men and women seeking information and advic to stop their abusive violent behaviour towards their partner"

the number is
0845 122 8609

my sincere apologies of i have jumped to the wrong conclusion

ninah · 25/07/2006 00:25

x-posted
Well a kind of code text might work well as a compromise, then?

Original poster

SauerKraut · 25/07/2006 00:34

Thank you for the number, I can't use it from here but I will look for something here. He has arrived, have locked him out of bedroom as I am very angry and he stinks of beer. Don't know if I've done right or wrong.

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ninah · 25/07/2006 00:35

sounds fine for now SK. Better lock him out than have a row. Get some sleep if you can.

Original poster

SauerKraut · 25/07/2006 00:37

I will try. He has eaten out too- that makes it worse as he knew I was cooking.

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Original poster

SauerKraut · 25/07/2006 00:42

Thank you all for your help. I am going to bed- we are an hour ahead! Good luck with the same problem, Isheforreal- you sound as if you deal with it in a much better way than I do.

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ninah · 25/07/2006 00:42

I know. I'll scream for you AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHH"
I DO know. Just the angry route never paid off for me. Screaming it only made me feel bad, it didn't change things. I am sure that all else being OK there is a way through for you both tho. Even tho it doesn't seem that way now.
And don't be apologetic for your anger, it is justified imo, it's how deal with the situation that's important
Hope you can have a talk soon

Original poster

SauerKraut · 25/07/2006 00:44

Thank you, Ninah! You're right, anger feels awful! He doesn't care, he's happy! Goodnight!

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