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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Calming advice needed....

39 replies

SauerKraut · 24/07/2006 23:43

Help! We have 4 kids, live abroad, and DP has taken to working very very late- 1 or 2am- from time to time, usually on a Monday, but he doesnt text or phone in the meantime. I don't know if he's coming to eat, I don't know where he is and I can't contact him because he's not answering his phone. When he eventually does turn up, he is often incoherent as he may have had a beer or two on an empty stomach- this is enough to have that effect. I resent this because I don't believe he has the right to be uncontactable, nor to leave me worrying for so long, nor to come into a house where 4 kids are sleeping in that state. Problem- I have a vicious temper, and on some of these occasions, have said and done things I regret. How can I stop myself from getting into this blind rage?

OP posts:
cremolafoam · 25/07/2006 12:41

hey SK how are you today?

joelallie · 25/07/2006 12:54

Sauerkraut - I feel so angry for you. Can't beleive there are so many selfish men out there

Howeve I wonder if the 'arrogant smirk' is actually a drunker embarrased smile. He knows he's in the wrong but can't stop his behaviour and knows how you are going to react. Can you write it all down and give it to him to read - perhaps at work where he'd be sober and calm. He is your partner and loves you so will care that you are unhappy but perhaps the anger and resentment gets in the way.

Good luck

tribpot · 25/07/2006 12:58

I can't believe this man not only expects you to do all the childcare whilst he swans off to the pub but also that YOU HAVE TO WAIT UP TO LET HIM IN. Do you really think he would do that for you? Of course he bloody wouldn't.

Original poster
SauerKraut · 28/07/2006 12:32

Hi- sorry, I haven't been able to get to this for a while. Just wanted to say talking to you lot helped no end. I followed your sensible advice, said as little as poss the same evening and managed not to lose it. The next day, I told him what wound me up and asked for an explanation, that is, of why did he not phone at the moment at which he made the decision to go off for a meal and beers instead of coming home. The answer? It just didn't occur to him to do so. That left me speechless- there's not much you can do about that, is there? How are you, Isheforreal?

OP posts:
Kathlean · 28/07/2006 12:51

Leave him a note on the door say you have tried to call x times and are at A&E with little ones as there was a major emergency.

Book yourself into a hotel for the night and turn your mobile off.

Original poster
SauerKraut · 28/07/2006 12:58

Believe you me, I have thought about it many a time! Am trying to avoid anything which could be called revenge, though, as I couldn't live with myself afterwards! I did ,once, take off for a whole Saturday on my own, making a huge point of the fact that I was actually telling him where I was going, because I had to do something to make him get the point. He gets it, but it still happens- it seems to be something he can't change.

OP posts:
tiptoes · 28/07/2006 13:31

Hi sauerkraut-Things are much the same although he did make the effort last night and came back at 7pm after doing some shopping for me on the way home.Then big test will be tonight as Friday nights are mormally late ones and then he spends all saturday with a hangover which is so annoying when we usually have things to do with the children on a saturday.

How are you? I see you say you did'nt lost it the other night,which I know from experience is so difficult to do.I have tried that approach as well but he still goes ahead the next night and does the same thing.

Did your DH after you talked to him say anything that made you think he will make an effort?
Or did he at least understand your point of view.

tiptoes · 28/07/2006 13:36

Just to explain sauerkraut,I posted my reply to you under tiptoes which is the nickname I use for other threads.
I am isheforreal and used that just for my relationship thread.

Just so's your not thinking who the hell is tiptoes

Original poster
SauerKraut · 28/07/2006 13:37

I hate the big test days! Yes, he does get it, and I honestly believe him when he says he doesn't mean to do it, but in a way that makes it worse because that means he can't change. I've seen how easily he can get carried away and forget all other responsibili, which is scary for me in a foreign country with 4 kids, as it means I have to be 200% reliable instead.

OP posts:
Original poster
SauerKraut · 28/07/2006 13:38

Don't worry, I guessed. Seen you before. I am a very shy serial lurker.

OP posts:
tiptoes · 28/07/2006 13:58

Sauerkraut-I am a very shy lurker too and occassionly post when I need some serious advice and don't know where else to turn.My reason for changing nicknames on mumsnet is I worry DH will find out who I am on here and I get paranoid.

My Dh also says he does'nt mean to do what he does and like you deep down I believe him but it's still not acceptable.
I almost feel like I am betraying him by posting about him on mumsnet.

Original poster
SauerKraut · 28/07/2006 14:02

me too- so I told him! I think it can be justified, though, when one doesn't know where else to go- and because it's a serious attempt to sort out what could be a serious relationship problem- rather than just losing it. he should be grateful!

OP posts:
Original poster
SauerKraut · 28/07/2006 14:12

have to go and stop ignoring the kids! Best of luck for tonight- I shall be thinking of you.

OP posts:
tiptoes · 28/07/2006 14:21

Thanks Sauerkraut,you too

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