Feel let down by exP's DM, seeing her tomorrow how can I get over it?

[Repeatedlydoingthetwist]

Hi all,

Some advice please!

I am a lone parent of a 6 month old DD. My exP left me mid November. We have had tentative talks about finances etc, as I am due to return to work soon and need to sort childcare etc. I am still living in our rented house, I have looked at other houses in the same area but the prices are all about the same, and moving further away would create extra travel costs, childcare costs and make it harder for DD to see her dad, so staying her really is best all round. ExP agrees with this totally and we've looked at all of the options together. I have applied for tax credits but am not getting a lot because I work full time. I can just about afford the house, bills and to feed us on my wages, and myself and exP have agreed that we will split the cost of childcare down the middle as this allows us both to work FT still, and he will give me approx £100 a month for food etc. I know from reading on here that I am very lucky that we've come to such an agreement so easily so it's not about being ungrateful or anything. I'm massively relieved that we can stay here because I've been so worried about it.

However exP has just told me that he and his DM had a row about this yesterday as she thinks that he is going to be paying too much. She works in family court and sees a lot of people being taken for a ride so I get that she is naturally wary, but I feel really let down. Despite the split we've still got on well, and I've been the one making the effort to arrange for DD to see her as her son has been too busy with his social life. It's not like I'm asking for the world, just what I honestly think is fair, and for the best for DD. My own DM has said that we can move in with her which would massively cut down my outgoings so it's not a case that I'm staying here just for my own benefit. I know it's irrational but I feel like she doesn't care that much about DD if she is only worried about her son being out of pocket, and I can't help thinking that she thinks I'm some sort of gold digger which isn't the case at all!

I'm seeing her tomorrow and I need to be ok with it so that I don't blurt anything out! Any advice please? Even if it's just to stop sounding so entitled and get over it!

Are you saying that you are getting half the cost of child care and £100 per month and that is all?
If that's the case that does not seem very much at all to me, are you getting child support on top of that?
As for your MIL it really is none of her business and I wonder why your exP felt it necessary to share what she said with you.
Do you have your agreement in writing and do you have a solicitor?I am wondering if he is going to try and wiggle out of this agreement at some point in the future if you don't.
My ex wanted a loose agreement too and didn't want me to get a solicitor saying we could work it out between us. I don't trust him an inch and did not want him backing out at a later date leaving me and DC with no money.
I would get legal advice if you haven't already.

Why on earth are you seeing his DM?!! She will always take his side over yours, however illogical that sounds to you. Get the maintenance sorted out legally, don't involve her in your business at all and consign her, like him, to the past.

He should be giving you at least, as a bare minimum, 15% of his take home pay. Does half the childcare and £100 a month equate to that?
And why are you seeing his mother?
I would go down with a cold and avoid her forever for now.

It's more than he would need to pay if we went via the CSA, and it means I can keep DD where we are which is really best for her. Ref his DM, I've been trying to make sure she still gets to see DD for a couple of reasons. I was really close to one of my DGM's who died when I was a teenager, but I barely know the other. She is currently unwell and it's made me think loads about how I wish we were closer, so I want to try and make sure that DD has a good relationship with both of hers. I know it's really his responsibility not mine but it's for DD's benefit so I've been willing to make the effort. The other reason is that his DM adores DD and the way he's been acting since the split would mean that she never got to see her, I guess that's why I feel so let down, I've been trying to be kind to her but it doesn't go both ways.

I think your ideas about your own distant granny are clouding your judgement unfortunately. Don't have anyone in your or DD's life that isn't 100% in your corner. If DP's behaviour means she loses touch with DD that is not your responsibility.

Cancel this 'meeting'

she needs to keep her beak out. would she be railing at him if he weren't paying his way?

Is he paying a fair amount?

You're right Cog I just don't want her to feel the way that I do. And yeah I think it is a fair amount and so does he.

He is trying to pay you less money. that is why he is telling you what his mother said. Go though the CMS.

And agree with the others, let him sort out contact with his mother.

If she works in the family court she should be bloody ecstatic that yournd her son's situation is not even a fraction of the terrible scenarios she would see!! Are you sure he's not making it up to try to open a conversation about him paying less?

If you generally get on well with her, keep the meeting, be nice and friendly, but also when the moment is right, absolutely direct. Say 'I gather you think XP is paying over the odds - why do you think that is?'.

Tell her outright that the half of the childcare enable you to work and also enables him to work, since he will not be covering any daytime childcare himself.

She will either:
argue - in which case you know where the land lies
apologise- in which case you have probably put paid to her sticking her beak in over anything else,
or she will look confused because what actually happened was that her DS was too scared to back track over payments on his own behalf so is claiming that his Mum said he was paying too much, and she has said nothing of the kind!

I had two grandmothers right into my late thirties. One was lovely, we were very close and I miss her every day. The other was an unpleasant woman that my DM had decided (wisely) to limit contact with. Met her three times my whole life and, aside from a little idle curiosity, I can honestly say that her absence has been of no consequence to me whatsoever.

You cannot assume your DD will feel the same as you about an absent granny. She could easily grow up with my perspective.

Yeah I know you're right, I need to stop worrying so much about what might happen with her grandparents.

I did wonder if he was trying to open that kind of conversation, I asked at the time if he still thought it was the right amount and he said yes. Based on all of your responses I have just opened up the conversation again and he is absolutely adamant that he does want to pay what we agreed.

I think you are right about letting your DD see her grandmother. It's children that have the right to see their extended family and not the other way round. You say your MIL adores your DD so what would be the point of preventing this relationship, other than to be churlish and you don't sound at all like that to be honest.

Re the money - I agree DH shouldn't have told you about his mother's views, but since he has I think you can either ignore it and have a friendly meeting or raise it in a non-confrontational manner - you know you could be puzzled as to why MIL thinks he is paying you too much. Hopefully she will see she has made a mistake and apologise. I would go for the latter option if you can, as if you don't say anything you might feel resentment and this could build up and spoil your relationship with her, and it sounds like one you want to keep if only for the sake of your DD.

Disappointing if she did say this, and I wonder if your ex has reported the conversation properly? Why would he tell you this?

I wouldn't use contact as a weapon.

If she is usually a decent woman, a relationship could be beneficial in all sorts of ways, help with childcare, supporting her DS to behave in a decent responsible way, etc. Nothing to be gained by escalating this. Especially as you have only heard what she said second hand.

To be honest Caro I think I agree with you. Without being detrimental to exP, he's a simple soul, and I actually think he told me the story to make himself look good?! As in 'I should be paying you XXXX, even my mum says so and she knows but I'm going to pay you XXXX and we had a row and I put her straight'. In the days and weeks immediately after we split he was a MASSIVE dick and did and said some really hurtful things to me, but for the last couple of weeks he's been on some kind of crusade to prove that he's not an arse and has been going out of his way to be nice and supportive so maybe this is just part of that?!

Have you checked on the CSA website that he is paying you the correct amount. If he is then ensure it is in writing legally. His mother's response seems to be a comm

Common response - people really don't realise how much a child costs and that the costs should be fairly spread and not just fall on the mum.

He's deinitely paying more than he should be, I've checked that.

I think I might point out to mil that you have come to an agreement that enables you to stay in the area thus enabling her son easy contact. As for your daughters relationship with mil, your ex can sort that out what he has dd. She's his mother after all.

Hi all, just an update to say I cancelled today's meeting. She's due to see DD with exP on Thursday anyway (arranged by me!) so she's not missing out totally. I just feel so angry and let down that I really need I calm down before I see her.

Well done you!

If she mentions it to you, just repeat, DP and I have agreed this, please leave it to us to sort out.

Unless she works in the family court as a judge, barrister or solicitor, ignore whatever she says

She's got a damn cheek sticking her nose in like this. Your ex can facilitate contact with her during his contact times with DD - i would just avoid her as much as possible from now on. No drama, no discussions about anything as her opinion is immaterial. If your ex doesnt arrange contact with her and DD, too bad. Yes, it might be sad for DD but you would just need to explain to her that it was not your sole responsibility to facilitate a relationship and, for whatever reason, her father didn't.

Maybe it's because I'm a grandmother of 4 and of course have DILs but it really does bother me by posts like gobbolin above, who seem to think that a relationship between a child and grandparent is something that can easily be "thrown away" because of someone has spoken out of turn. I think we need to remember that it is the child's right to have relationships with her extended family.

The thing is mothers are going to stick up for their sons and daughters, whether they are little or grown (we never lose that protective feeling and many of you young mums won't realise that) but you will in years to come, as you continue to try to protect your adult sons and daughters. Incidentally it gets much more difficult to care for them when they are adults for obvious reasons, but I promise you that the feeling you have for your little ones now will, to a greater or lesser extent persist into their adult years. What you worry about changes of course but the intensity of the feelings don't change.

SO this woman made a comment about finance (and we only have a 3rd hand account) it might have been said jokingly, (though I accept that's unlikely) or just an "off the cuff" comment without much thought, or maybe she was just "thinking aloud" - then her son is daft enough to repeat it to his ex, for whatever reason.

I'm sorry RDTT your view has changed quite dramatically as you seemed to be very level headed about the issue but you now feel angry and let down. Your feelings are real of course and I think it's a good idea to wait until you feel calmer before you see her again. I wonder if your ex has told his mother than he told you.....who knows. Whatever, I really hope you can sort this out as it's not the worst thing in the world and I can tell you grandparents come in very useful through the children's lives for all sorts of reasons.

I would be horrified if one of my DILs was thinking (or being told by other MNs) of stopping contact with one of my beloved grandchildren because of a comment I had made as a "throwaway line" - I would want to discuss it and resolve the issue and apologise if necessary, but this grandmother is not being given that opportunity.

OK I've put on my hard hat as I have been flamed by DILs on many threads before about these "toxic" MILs, though I know that description hasn't been used in this case.

I don't think the relationship should be thrown away. That is an entire mi-representation of my post, nananina

I have specifically stated that I do not think that the OP should have any kind if discussion or showdown with MIL about this. What I have said is that it is up to the MIL in question's son to facilitate their relationship going forward. That is entirely reasonable, given that they have separated. If he does not foster the relationship, it is the MIL's son who has "thrown" away any relationship, not the OP

Nana that's fair enough and I appreciate your view but I can't see how this can be seen as a throwaway comment? It was an actual argument because she thinks he'll be paying me too much. I understand that she wants to protect her son but ultimately he entered into our relationship and the pregnancy with his eyes wide open. He is the one who has changed the goalposts. Yes he's going to be a bit short on money and she thinks that's unfair but he's a grown man and he needs to take responsibility for his actions and if she loves her DGD as much as she says she does I don't understand why she would be trying to put him off supporting her. I've not said I'm stopping contact, I won't, but ultimately right now I am too hurt that I've made all of the effort and this is what I get back.