Feel let down by exP's DM, seeing her tomorrow how can I get over it?

[Repeatedlydoingthetwist]

Hi all,

Some advice please!

I am a lone parent of a 6 month old DD. My exP left me mid November. We have had tentative talks about finances etc, as I am due to return to work soon and need to sort childcare etc. I am still living in our rented house, I have looked at other houses in the same area but the prices are all about the same, and moving further away would create extra travel costs, childcare costs and make it harder for DD to see her dad, so staying her really is best all round. ExP agrees with this totally and we've looked at all of the options together. I have applied for tax credits but am not getting a lot because I work full time. I can just about afford the house, bills and to feed us on my wages, and myself and exP have agreed that we will split the cost of childcare down the middle as this allows us both to work FT still, and he will give me approx £100 a month for food etc. I know from reading on here that I am very lucky that we've come to such an agreement so easily so it's not about being ungrateful or anything. I'm massively relieved that we can stay here because I've been so worried about it.

However exP has just told me that he and his DM had a row about this yesterday as she thinks that he is going to be paying too much. She works in family court and sees a lot of people being taken for a ride so I get that she is naturally wary, but I feel really let down. Despite the split we've still got on well, and I've been the one making the effort to arrange for DD to see her as her son has been too busy with his social life. It's not like I'm asking for the world, just what I honestly think is fair, and for the best for DD. My own DM has said that we can move in with her which would massively cut down my outgoings so it's not a case that I'm staying here just for my own benefit. I know it's irrational but I feel like she doesn't care that much about DD if she is only worried about her son being out of pocket, and I can't help thinking that she thinks I'm some sort of gold digger which isn't the case at all!

I'm seeing her tomorrow and I need to be ok with it so that I don't blurt anything out! Any advice please? Even if it's just to stop sounding so entitled and get over it!

Nana, contact is not being stopped. The grandmother can see the child whenever they are with their DF for starters. You must be aware that in the vast majority of cases, once parents separate, the respective grandparents have their "contact time" when the child is with their adult DC.

The comments in my last post were directed at gobbolins post especially in relation to the last sentence beginning "yes it may be sad that (and please don't tie me down to the exact wording - I can't do that pasting thing) your DD doesn't have a relationship with her GM but you would just have to explain that it wasn't your sole responsibility to facilitate contact.........etc" That seemed to me to be a very cavalier way of treating an important relationship between a child and her GM on the basis of something she said that was inappropriate on one occasion. The OP says she adores her DGD and so surely that is a relationship worth preserving.

In your next post you talk of the father facilitating contact between the child and his mother (rather than the OP) and whilst I can see this is obviously something that is likely to happen, I think the needs and rights of the child are being lost here. When parents split up children are less likely to be adversely affected if the parents are able to come to some mutually convenient arrangement about contact and can maintain a civil relationship with each other for the sake of the child. This is true for members of the extended family too and the child needs to know that she can go to visit Granny (or indeed any other member of the extended family with whom she has a good relationship) and that her mummy and daddy are happy about this. Children very soon pick up if there is any hostility over certain contact arrangements and this is stressful for them. It isn't about which parent should facilitate contact, though I accept it is more usual for children to see the GPs when they are in the company of the non resident parent.

RDTT you are giving more detail now as initially I don't think you said there had been an argument but I might not have that right. You are through getting a 2nd hand account of what was actually said. Even then you can't always tell what really happened because you weren't there and you only have your ex's account and on your own admission he is a "simple soul" - is he portraying this as more important than it actually was.

I do realise contact is not being stopped and that wasn't my point really - I was just trying to emphasis that it would be a great shame if the relationship the OP had with her MIL (now ex) and that of the child and her PGM was spoiled because of some comment about money.

I really hope RDTT that you can talk to your ex MIL about her comments and give her the opportunity to explain/clarify/apologise and hopefully resolve the situation, for the sake of your DD.

Another vote for checking with ex MIL that she did actually say that. Then if she didn't she can clarify what she did say and if she did say it at least she will know you know and that you have been upset by her comments.

I wouldn't talk to her, I would send a brief email explaining what ex said to you and how you feel about it. Then you will have any reply in writing.