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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He was scared and I didn't listen

51 replies

Crazyoldlife · 05/01/2014 01:48

Well I've posted on here twice before and found it useful and Intetesting. I am
Pregnant and currently living away from partner due to his poor behaviour over past months. He is very sorry etc about it all he says "I was scared that you where pregnant and worried about the future and you wouldnt listen or support me" he said he just wanted me
To tell him that it'd be ok and to support him through his fears. Does this sound
Reasonable? He blames my lack of support/ listening on his poor behaviour- nasty comments/ name calling etc. he states that he wouldnt have got so down if hadn't of shown him little support.

OP posts:

Original poster

Crazyoldlife · 05/01/2014 01:50

I felt I was supportive to some extent but also felt I needed lots of support due to it being an unplanned pregnancy. He then started to self harm/ threaten suicide due to feeling overwhelmed by the pregnancy.

OP posts:

EricNorthmansFangbanger · 05/01/2014 01:53

It is all very well him being scared, but he should not have taken it out on you. How did be know you weren't/are scared too?

Just reading through your post it appears that he is trying to push the blame of his behaviour on to you and this isn't on. He should take responsibility of his actions. I'm assuming he hasn't given you the support you need, yet he is expecting support?

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts · 05/01/2014 01:54

there is a thread somewhere started by cogitoergo, it is very interesting, its basically a thread about all different womens experiences of men threatening suicide

the upshot is this

we are each responsible for our own actions and decisions

threatening suicide is not reasonable behaviour,

the decision to do this, was entirely his.

LittleDoris · 05/01/2014 01:55

He blames my lack of support/ listening on his poor behaviour- nasty comments/ name calling etc. he states that he wouldnt have got so down if hadn't of shown him little support.

Everyone needs to feel supported and listened to.

However.

Any "lack of support" is no excuse whatsoever for treating someone badly.

Do not move back in with this man OP. He is manipulating you and blaming you. He is a grown man who has choices over how to behave. He will get worse when the baby is born.

Make a life for yourself without him.

Original poster

Crazyoldlife · 05/01/2014 01:57

He was supportive to me in first three months then becuse of debt/ issues with ex and work stresses he says it all got too much. He says the self harm and suicide threats where all a cry for help. He said they wouldn't have happened if I'd stopped comments such as " you where fine with your first child" which granted are not nice but i was so frustrated. It resulted in his having rages/ not spending time with me etc, just generally making pregnancy hard. The blaming me is a concern. Thanks for comments so far.

OP posts:

Tonandfeather · 05/01/2014 01:57

No it does not sound reasonable. It sounds manipulative. He doesn't sound scared. He sounds abusive.

Stay well away.

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts · 05/01/2014 02:01

again i repeat, his actions are his alone, his decisions are his alone. he chose to threaten suicide and self harm rather than a million other things, rather than saying " i feel you are being unsupportive crazyoldlife and i could do with talking things through"

he threatened suicide

it is not normal
it is not reasonable

it is his decision how to react to things in life

EricNorthmansFangbanger · 05/01/2014 02:04

It is not your fault OP.

He was and is making an already stressful situation much more stressful. I think that I would tend to agree with the other posters when they say he is quite manipulative. Threatening suicide is quite a strong reaction to this situation. Maybe he is trying to gain some control over you by doing this and making you feel as though you're in the wrong?

I would not move back in with him, his behaviour may get worse. If you make this decision though, I would be prepared for him to make the threats of suicide again.

Original poster

Crazyoldlife · 05/01/2014 02:05

Thanks for posts. I think being pregnant can make you fight harder than you might before because I was dreaming of perfect family but I need to keep
Reminding myself that you cannot blame everything on another person. I have so much bitterness for being treated badly in pregnancy. He claimed that when he tried to speak to me calmly I was no help and didn't support him
So everything escalated.

OP posts:

Kleptronic · 05/01/2014 02:09

No no no no no.

No-one should treat you like that, under any circumstances.

He is responsible for his own actions.

He is not behaving well towards you. Rages, sulks etc. are him showing himself to be, at the least, a damaged person. This is not your fault and is not your responsibility. Do not swallow what is not yours! As in, feel stuff if you've done stuff badly, but in this case, No!

You are pregnant, it's not the end of the world, in no way should you be under this kind of behaviour. What did he threaten? I mean, he said 'either you'll do x, or I'll kill myself', I am assuming? Or did he just generally threaten suicide? Not that's it's relevant, really.

Do not move back in with this man.

CustardoPaidforIDSsYFronts · 05/01/2014 02:09

here is the thread i mentioned earlier

my response t him would be, "you are responsible for your own behaviour"

Original poster

Crazyoldlife · 05/01/2014 02:17

In terms of suicide he would talk about having no other option/ feeling out of control. Hes having mental health treatment ATM but in sceptical if itl help/ if he will attend. He would continually list things that I've done wrong in the relationship ( which I have Definetly) dating back to four weeks into the relationship. He says that if I cannot tell him "why" I have done them then they will remain In his head unanswered making him angry and frustrated. I often ask "why did you stay with me then?" and he says "because I was blinded by love and the strength of the love" but these things just seem to plague him. I have apologised for all I've down wrong to him but resent him for carrying on if he was going to bring them up again 6 months later. I know I'm ranting now- apologies!

OP posts:

Kleptronic · 05/01/2014 02:20

You're not ranting. Maybe he's not well, but that's no excuse to blame you and try to control you over it. Keep yourself safe x

Tonandfeather · 05/01/2014 02:21

I'd stop giving him any airspace to keep going on about it. It must be very tedious and draining. Let the professionals take over, if he ever bothers to get himself there. Focus on you, your child and getting financial support for now. When he's more stable sort out contact and make sure you get a break.

Tikkamasala · 05/01/2014 02:24

I would stay away, he sounds manipulative and I'm sure he will do this again as soon as something is not to his liking. You can't tred on eggshells waiting to see when he needs to lash out again to try to punish you for something eg a so called lack of support. Where was your support when he was having this tantrum?

Original poster

Crazyoldlife · 05/01/2014 02:25

Yes vvv draining as he will rant on And on and on and when I try to speak he will raise his voice/ ignore comments-
It's like he could go on for hours... I am
Lucky to have good friends and fam. I do love him and know its killing him that he won't be around baby alot but he just can't seem to move on from anything- things as trivial as not inviting him out on a night in the pub with a mate to more serious such as I drunk called an ex fling once.

OP posts:

Tonandfeather · 05/01/2014 02:37

You love him?

So when you say you're living away from him, you don't mean you've ended the relationship?

Original poster

Crazyoldlife · 05/01/2014 02:40

Well he's 400 miles away so pretty much ended! But no I've not said it in so many words- I really dont want to but the more I think and discuss what's gone on the more awful It becomes.

OP posts:

thecatfromjapan · 05/01/2014 02:53

In what sort of way do you love him? There are lots of different ways to love.

Personally, I think it is probably time to disengage. He's not going to be one for the long journey: he has far too much growing up to do, and seems to think that you are going to do that for him. which you can't, because you're going to have a baby to care for; you're not a mental health professional; and growing up is something we have to do as individuals, actively, rather than passively. It's a process, not a GCSE course.

Likewise, he is not a book, or a TV series, or a pet, but someone you were in a relationship as a potential life-partner and (now) father to a child. Life is full of stresses. The baby is going to bring major changes - lots of joy but also some serious work. Life also brings illness. Ask yourself this: if he buckles like this with your being pregnant, how is he going to cope with something like cancer? I'm serious. I've seen women put up with crap partners and then have to go through cancer treatment with the same crap partner being their "carer" and - this is properly scary - their advocate when they are not conscious. It's not good.

I'd recommend sending him in the direction of a GP, and thence to ADs and mental health professionals.

Yes, care for him by all means. It makes you human to care. But keep on caring from a good distance. I know you say you are 400 miles away, but make sure you get a good bit of mental distance too. Don't get sucked into the drama. Your out of it now - and that is good.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/01/2014 08:45

The behaviour you're describing sounds like emotional bullying - manipulation, blame, guilt-tripping, rage, withdrawal of affection, threats, belittling your opinion - and a 400 mile distance is no barrier to someone determined to keep doing that. 'If I didn't love you so much I wouldn't have treated you so badly' is a very typical approach for emotional abusers. Your reaction of not trusting your own judgement, feeling responsible for his wellbeing, being frightened to say goodbye is very typical of victims.

If he has MH issues he should see medical professionals. You're not responsible for him but he is doing his damnedest to coerce you into believing you are. I would strongly recommend that you end the relationship properly and then go no contact for all but strictly essential communication to do with your child.

chateauferret · 05/01/2014 11:46

So he abused you and it's "your fault" for notvlistening and making the poorr diddums feel scared? Arse.

kalidanger · 05/01/2014 12:07

My abusive ex was like that. It's part of a script in that the majority of men like this behave in the same way and when it's all put together (from reading many threads here!) it seems like they've read a textbook on How To Be A Fuckwit.

Mine lost his job. I spent considerable time helping him get another one and he acted amazed and grateful that I was so competent and loving. Two weeks later he actually said "And you didn't once think of me when I was looking for a job!" It's bullshit, it's outright lies and it's designed to keep you off-balance and wondering if it's all your fault, if you're an awful, selfish person and if you should be apologising. You aren't, you shouldn't and you need to seriously think about having no contact with him as he's continuing to abuse you.

You're pregnant? Keep contact to emails only regarding the DC and nothing else.

kalidanger · 05/01/2014 12:15

Another thing that I found extremely difficult to get my head around was the fact that he was a shit to me and often acted like he hated me. So why the fuck did he spend so much time and effort to stay together? To continue to engage? To try every trick in the book to keep me? He'd be so so sweet (to hoover me back) after being so so horrible. I was aware that it's a cycle of abuse (that's in the textbook too) but through a combination of my own issues (low self esteem but also a belief that I was a competent and powerful woman - it's also textbook that abusive men love a bit of a 'challenge') I thought I could 'handle it'. I couldn't, and I shouldn't have tried but eventually he became so unattractive that I could let him go. All the advice in here REALLY helped me to see the patterns of his crap and when there's a light shining on it it's easier to see.

I'm waffling now, sorry! Keep posting

Original poster

Crazyoldlife · 05/01/2014 12:21

Yes very interesting. I am head strong and capable but I have found myself questionning many of my actions. What gets me the most is the constant " why did you lie to me that time six months ago?" and " If you loved me why did you do xyz?" it leaves me saying "I don't know" which in turn makes him feel better about hisself. He likes to say " if you loved me you wouldn't have done xyz to hurt me". But so many of the things he talks about are trivial normal relationship ups and downs. He tells me that I'm amazing but that thru my actions I've shown that I do not love him- which would be an excuse if he actually then left after the comment, he dosent he still sticks around....

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/01/2014 12:30

He's what's known in psychiatric circles as 'a head fuck'. :) Confusing, contrary, self-absorbed psychobabble - depressingly common. The objective is to make a strong, capable woman doubt her own judgement and rather than saying 'on your bike' ask 'how can I ease your pain and make you happy?'

There are 400 miles between you. If you end it, stop talking to him & give your scrambled thoughts chance to straighten out without his constant interference I think you'll feel a lot lot better.

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