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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He was scared and I didn't listen

51 replies

Crazyoldlife · 05/01/2014 01:48

Well I've posted on here twice before and found it useful and Intetesting. I am
Pregnant and currently living away from partner due to his poor behaviour over past months. He is very sorry etc about it all he says "I was scared that you where pregnant and worried about the future and you wouldnt listen or support me" he said he just wanted me
To tell him that it'd be ok and to support him through his fears. Does this sound
Reasonable? He blames my lack of support/ listening on his poor behaviour- nasty comments/ name calling etc. he states that he wouldnt have got so down if hadn't of shown him little support.

OP posts:
Tonandfeather · 05/01/2014 12:35

Of course he sticks around. Not to do so would be to lose his whipping horse and he doesn't want that. He's getting a kick out of you even listening to this dreariness.

If you haven't ended this relationship I really think you should. I'm not sure what exactly is stopping you if he's 400 miles away and you don't want to be in a relationship with him any longer.

kalidanger · 05/01/2014 12:36

Yes. If I'm so awful why don't you fuck off and leave me? Confused

Flicking through the textbook... I'd say we're on the chapter about making you feel awful that you've been so consistently horrible to him. Any decent person would want to apologise and make amends. This is designed to get you back under his spell. Why he'd even want you, I couldn't say. Seeing as you're such a horrible person Biscuit

How are things practically? Are you selling your house to split the money? Contact arrangements with DC? Any financial arrangements? Do you need to see a solicitor? I didn't have any of this with my ex (lucky) but I think I'd be making lists (because that's what we do because we're capable) and rigidly sticking to practical matters only. Talking about the relationship is only going to confuse things. Clearly. Don't engage

Tonandfeather · 05/01/2014 12:39

As it's so obvious what the kick-back is for him in all this, I guess it begs the question what is in it for you? Does this validate you in some way?

kalidanger · 05/01/2014 12:43

And another thing (! I could go on and on and on!) - what do you think he's doing while you're wasting your Sunday agonising about this? I can guarantee you once you've composed your reply to his accusations it'll be straight into the next thing. It probably always has been, right?

We don't want you to waste a day on him! Thanks

Guiltypleasures001 · 05/01/2014 12:45

Hi op the guy is an emotional leach, he is sucking you dry of what should be a happy time even if unplanned, this is going to be your life with him permanently if you stay with him or in any kind of meaningful contact. Nothing you do or say will ever be good enough neither now or in the future, there is no reasoning with a personality like his.

Somewhere in his background is the reason for all his ills but to be honest once you become a grown up he should be able to control himself and he can't. Give him a wide birth he will be like this with every woman he meets, he has not got the personal insight to see what is his stuff and what isn't. Everything will be your fault and he will move the goal posts to make sure it is. Please don't waste your life pandering to this type it is a hiding to no where he needs professional help, but he will never seek it out because nothing is a problem to him.

Good luck

pictish · 05/01/2014 12:47

You are not responsible for his emotional wellbeing.
He clearly thinks differently, and fully expects that his feelings should be made top priority.
This is because he is an abusive twat. They're all like that.

I wouldn't bother with him. He'll bring you nothing but grief.

pictish · 05/01/2014 12:50

Just read your most recent post.
He's textbook emotionally abusive.
Read up on it.
This man is no good for you. Do not prolong this relationship any further.

Viviennemary · 05/01/2014 12:51

Of course it's up to you in the end. But it doesn't sound very promising to me. Only you know if this is a bad period he is going through with stress and that is the reason for his behaviour. Those arguements you describe are like a red flag. All this asking for explanations and going on and on and on is going to be very difficult for you now and in the future. If you are headstrong and capable do you need him in your life. Hope this doesn't sound too harsh.

Original poster
Crazyoldlife · 05/01/2014 12:53

We are in process of trying to get puta rental contract. Money wise- he just says to tell him what I need using csa calculator. So no real huge issues. I did use to get so much happiness but now I don't. Because I wont go back to
Our home he says I'm "shocking" and says "I've run away and taken his child and all the experiences that go with a new baby". Which is unreal really as he use to avoid any involvement in the flat before such as shopping to make it nice/ taking an interest in what bills needed paying etc.

OP posts:
kalidanger · 05/01/2014 12:57

Yeah, the only time when I legitimately felt like the selfish scumbag he various claimed I am was when I wrote him off because he is broken. I'm not as nice and sweet (but I am decent) as I could be and I realised that, while it wasn't his fault exactly, he was wired wrong and didn't deserve to be in a relationship with anyone, me especially. So I threw him away and only feel pity because he'll only ever be happy at someone else's expense.

I think maybe I need to write all this down for myself somewhere else so I'm not monopolising this thread Wine

kalidanger · 05/01/2014 13:00

Fuck him, he's shocking Angry

See how he's just talking complete crap? You've got to stop listening to it.

Are you going to? Thanks

Ilovewaleswhenitrains · 05/01/2014 13:06

I hope you can act on all the good advice you have been given here. He sounds like an emotional leach. Use your physical and emotional energy for yourself and your baby.
Hopefully you will soon be enjoying your pregnancy (even though it was a surprise) and your new life away from this emotional bully.

Original poster
Crazyoldlife · 07/01/2014 01:52

Thank you for the advice. He has arranged a
Gift for me today. He continues to say that I'm terrible for moving away and for not giving "our family" another shot. I'm not sure what to think really. Staying away is hard but I must be strong for baby. He is genuinely sorry for his ea over past few months but does continue to say things such as " youve made your decision about me" and " youve split this family"

OP posts:
Tonandfeather · 07/01/2014 01:56

What are you getting out of this continued engagement with him? You're getting advice to disengage and you're not doing that.

Original poster
Crazyoldlife · 07/01/2014 01:59

You are right, I just think that I need to find the strength to
Use the advice as wise as it is.

OP posts:
Tonandfeather · 07/01/2014 02:06

work out what you're getting from this and you'll be halfway there.

He isn't "sorry for his emotional abuse". He's still doing it and you're still taking it.

livingzuid · 07/01/2014 06:17

I had serious MH issues and I dealt with them/am dealing with them because to not do so would tear my little family apart and make things impossible for my DH. If he truly cared he would be addressing that now so he can be in as fit a state as possible for when the baby arrives. Instead he is taking no responsibility and pushing everything onto you. If he refuses to help himself then you simply can't be stuck caring for a baby and caring for him as well. What nasty manipulative behaviour on his part. Do you want dc exposed to that? 400 miles isn't far enough! Hope you get it resolved sounds like you are doing all the right things.

summermovedon · 07/01/2014 06:59

You are not responsible for him or his feelings, and he sounds awful. You were pregnant and needing support so he behaves badly and then turns it all around to him and his needs. You are better off far away from him, as people do not change and he will be no support for you in bringing up your child.

Toecheese · 07/01/2014 07:02

He needs to deal with his MH issues first.

You need to put your child's needs for a safe, steady and happy environment first.

Toecheese · 07/01/2014 07:04

Also what is he doing to support you emotionally through your tricky time? You are very vulnerable being pregnant and giving birth.

pictish · 07/01/2014 07:28

He is not 'genuinely sorry' about his emotional abuse.
He's still doing it.

Judge a person not by what they say, but by what they do.

Meerka · 07/01/2014 10:43

oh for gods sake what an arse he is. Where's his support for you?

He then started to self harm/ threaten suicide due to feeling overwhelmed by the pregnancy.

Blaming you? telling you how terrible are? where's his -genuine- sense of responsibility? Giving gifts .. somehow I bet they come with strings.

Nope, this isn't you, it's him and he's being a shit.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 07/01/2014 14:11

Cogito 's description sums it up perfectly. It is, beginning-middle-and end, a world class mindfuck. It is orchestrated and sustained by choice. He could just as easily choose to compliment your hair, your bravery, and the bright future your baby will have, yes?

Imho, (and experience), the foundation is based on control. As a mom (and this applies even before the birth), your attention will rightly be on your baby. From what you have posted, crazyoldlife, he seems to be doing/saying anything to keep your attention on him. This is who he is and from the severity of abuse he is dealing out to you, I would not be betting (or even hoping) that he could/would change...in the sense of evolving into a mature responsible adult. Imho, this pattern of behavior may be determined by his personality type, which, (again, just my opinion) will not change.

Crazyoldlife, he is shaming you (from your Tues-01:52:05 post). The future of your mental health, as well as just about every aspect of your baby's life is at stake here. You have nothing to be ashamed of...AND you can choose how much shame you feel...that is not for someone else to assign to you. Same for guilt.

Please trust the advice on setting the necessary boundaries for essential communication regarding his child...and promptly ending any communication session that strays off the topic of the baby.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! Thanks

ChippingInWadesIn · 07/01/2014 14:17

This is very very hard when you are pregnant :(

Don't go back. It would be a huge mistake for so many reasons I can't even begin to list them. Basic summary though is that he's a manipulative man child who will make your life hell :(

Start fresh with your baby, in a new place and do not buy into his pathetic attempts to make you go back so he can abuse you further - just don't.

Original poster
Crazyoldlife · 07/01/2014 19:47

Thanks guys for the moral support- means a lot. It's so hard not to push for something that you want so much but as much as I try I know I'm going to have to find my happy ever after somewhere else. Im looking forward to nice times with baby and since Im a long way away from partner I'm sure things can only get better. Thanks again

OP posts: