Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Today I was told that I'm a freak

55 replies

SoAmIWeirdOrAmINot · 04/01/2014 23:30

Name Change! (no idea why I feel like to mention it, but it just kinda makes me feel more legit facepalm

Anyway, this morning I was out and about and met a group of women that I used to talk to in my playgroup frequenting days (there's 3 of them). Whilst our dc's were busy playing and generally trying to kill themselves at the playground, we were chatting about different things, and the chat kinda steered to relationships/ husbands/ other half annoyances and so on. I was asked a question about how long I've been with my partner with and I just said, without much thinking that I've never been in a relationship so there's no partner. And it's true, I have been single my whole life- all 28 years of it. I have had 3 one night stands in my early 20's but that's about it. I have never felt like I need to be with someone, share my day-to-day life with them, etc. Even at school never once did I feel like I should be with someone.

The way that the women reacted and things that they said made me feel like an alien of some kind. One actually called me a freak. So, my question is- am I? Surely it's perfectly normal to be single and happy and not want to be with someone? Or are they right?

OP posts:

hermionepotter · 04/01/2014 23:34

of course not, but how did you become a mother, if you don't mind my asking? just out of nosiness
having a relationship isn't compulsory

TurnipCake · 04/01/2014 23:35

Not a freak at all :)

Some people react very strangely when someone doesn't follow the status quo and is happy with it. To some people being single is a fate worse than death, so it hits hard when they see someone actively choosing what terrifies them.

whereisshe · 04/01/2014 23:36

It's not typical, but words like "weird" and "freak" are unkind and make it sound like a problem. It's not a problem if it suits you, even if it's not how other people run their lives.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2014 23:36

I have been in lots of relationships and, like you, acquired a DC along the way but have spent nearly 20 years happily single. So if you're a weirdo, so am I :) Who on earth are these bizarre throwbacks that a) think it's freakish to be a single woman and b) are so rude as to actually say it out loud? Some repressed religious sect? 'Surrendered wife' types? Ignore and move right along.

SanityClause · 04/01/2014 23:37

It's unusual not to want to be in a relationship, but there's nothing wrong with being that way.

Do you have close relationships with friends and family?

SolidGoldBrass · 04/01/2014 23:38

Nothing wrong with you at all. (Though I, also, wonder about the becoming-a-mum thing). Lots of people are happy without a couple-relationship. Lots of other people would be much happier single, but they bought into the bullshit that relationships are compulsory and are now stuck in one that they can't leave despite wanting to.

Buzzardbird · 04/01/2014 23:38

Jeez, you are only in your 20's! Good on you for being so independent, reading a lot on here makes me think you have got it right.

Joules68 · 04/01/2014 23:38

Do they assume no partner = sponging off the state?

ouryve · 04/01/2014 23:39

Not a freak.

DH was older than you when he got together with me. And i was his first. Their reaction was extremely rude, TBH. People should do what they need and want to do, regarding relationships, rather than conforming to some "norm"

BillyBanter · 04/01/2014 23:40

I thinks it's odder that you've got to 28 years without noticing that most people are in relationships at least some of the time between 16 and death.

Anyway. I suppose you are unusual but it was rude to call you a freak. I guess she was a bit taken aback.

Iwillorderthefood · 04/01/2014 23:41

You are not a freak, what right did they have to call you one? Do not give it another thought.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2014 23:44

Who says the OP didn't notice? She said 'there's no partner because I've never been in a relationship'.... reasonable enough statement. It's the Stepford Wife Tribute Act clutching their pearls and hurling insults who are a bit thick because they've not noticed that quite a lot of women prefer to remain single. Surely?

HowlingTrap · 04/01/2014 23:45

I think if someone told me they had never had a relationship at 28, would think it a tad strange, but I would never be so rude as to say something, each to their own.

KellyHopter · 04/01/2014 23:46

I'm different to you in that I've had a couple of relationships, 1year and 8years (I'm 34) but have been single now for 6 years and have never felt compelled to be in a relationship. The ones I've had just happened.

I actually now can't imagine having another. I date every now and then cos I enjoy it but don't really want more.

I used to get really annoyed at the media for portraying women as desperate not to be single, I honestly thought it was something that only existed in films and crap books. But it's actually been MN that's shown me it is indeed true for a lot of women. I find it a bit grim, it leads to crap choices, and crap consequences.

If I ever get seriously involved again it will be because I've met someone who happens to be perfect (for me). Because unless I feel that blown away by someone then there's no way being in a relationship can improve my life, I'm very very happy with how things are.

You're not a freak.

TheGinLushMinion · 04/01/2014 23:46

Unusual maybe but not at all 'freakish'-who the fuck decides what is anyway?

Your DC were as a result of ons? (Just out of interest I'm a nosy bitch )

Neverending2012 · 04/01/2014 23:57

Live life the way you want... It's not up to others to pass judgement.. Also too many women end up settling for unhappy relationships and don't walk away because being in a relationship is ' the norm'.. No need to justify yourself. They are not very nice people..

sparklysilversequins · 04/01/2014 23:58

I've been married twice and lived with two other men, it can't be said I didn't try . The all went to rat shit usually because of my insistence on not subjugating my life to theirs. Far happier single, the only good things that came out of them were my children and you've got that, quite frankly apart from my children I wish I had never bothered!

wilkos · 05/01/2014 00:01

I live in a "naice" village where 99% of the women (mostly full and semi SAHMs) are married... as was I when I moved here with STBExDH and our two kids 3+ years ago.

1 year in I could no longer stay in my abusive marriage so left my husband, risky as I gave up my career to have DC and DH had become a tyrant which amongst many other things is the reason I am divorcing his sorry arse

When word got out that I had left him and not vice versa you would think I had grown another head judging by the shocked faces I got

2 years on... I have not run headlong into another relationship and am happy on my own, I'm not ready and I'm enjoying being with the kids, I am genuinely loving my freedom! I have no desire to share my life with anyone except my kids, I have a great family and good friends and I just don't feel the need

However although all my female married friends have been totally lovely and supportive, a fair few of them are either or just don't believe that I'm happy on my own. It's like I must have a man to complete me... it does my bloody head in!

Tonandfeather · 05/01/2014 00:23

Do acquaintances spending the day at a children's playground really call eachother freaks and ask such personal questions and give such detailed and personal answers?

meeeemo · 05/01/2014 00:29

Tonandfeather · 05/01/2014 00:30

Original poster

SoAmIWeirdOrAmINot · 05/01/2014 00:32

Phew, so glad to hear that I am not a freak! Although I never thought that I was, to me I am just normal, and all those that are obsessed wit being in a relationship are weird. I do come from a background where you are not considered a fully functioning woman if there isn't a man stuck in between your legs.

I have tried dating, but every single time, even though there have been some very nice guys, whom I did find very interesting, it just felt like a chore. Don't think that I have been to more than 2 dates with the same person! Most of the time I just think "How amazing would it be if you could be my friend?" or "I would love to have a friend like you". I never know what to do on a date- do I touch them/ do I kiss them at the end/ should I hold their hand (you get the gist). It just doesn't feel natural or comes naturally to me.

I have been hinted at that I am not normal/ strange by my friends in the past when it has come to light that I've been on my own my whole life, but they just have accepted me how I am, and even wished that they could be a bit more like me.

To the poster that asked me whether I have friends and what my relationship with my family is like- my family is very small (my mum and my brother) and we are very close and get on very well. Extended family is different, but we never really have had a good relationship as used to live quite far away from each other, so the bond never really developed. I do have friends, not a lot, only 4, but all of them are very close and I know that I can rely on them, if I need to. I never was a fan of having a large group of people surrounding me, but no-one actually to call a friend.

My DD is a result of an IVF treatment. I went through an early menopause (not really a menopause, I just ran (run?) out of eggs, apparently was born with only one ovary and a very, very small amount of eggs and by the time I was 20 there were none left. At least that's how it was explained to me at the time). I was offered a chance of having an IVF done with donor sperm and I took it, as you never know when such opportunity might come up again.

OP posts:

Original poster

SoAmIWeirdOrAmINot · 05/01/2014 00:36

Ooh, that was long!

Tonandfeather although we are only acquaintances, whenever we used to talk, conversation would just flow with a lot of ease. If you didn't know better, you would think that we've been BFF's for 100 years. That's why I used to enjoy talking to these women, as they were so easy to talk to. On our first day, we got on so well, that the conversation somehow went into discussing periods and bowel movements. So, yes, it's possible.

OP posts:

Tonandfeather · 05/01/2014 00:44

Then they are unconscionably rude to question your arrangements and call you names. I can understand a bit of surprise if it's outside their experience, but calling anyone freakish is bizarre and unacceptable. Why are you so bothered by it though? I can't figure how you've got to this stage in life to be affected so much by drones.

hermionepotter · 05/01/2014 00:45

OP you sound lovely. Maybe these ladies just aren't as mature as you or very open minded. Person calling you a freak is downright rude - as others have said, some people get ridiculous if they think everyone isn't coupled up - that says more about them and their issues/fears than anything else.

If you ever want a relationship then that could just develop naturally from being friends, it's not really like there's any set rules. If relationships feel like a chore why bother. Hope you're not too upset by the playground peoples' stupid and thoughtless comments, best of luck to you

Flip

1 2 3